The struggles with autistics

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Sometimes autistics can really struggle with things and they get forgotten or left behind
and it is the same with adhd
and there is no one to help or the compassion and support they need
it is really hard for a woman

 

[Neonatal RRT]

It's difficult for everyone. Being a woman has little to do with it. But you are correct in this observation that one should not plan on anyone, anywhere to help. If they do, great, and be thankful, but don't expect this behavior.

My parents had a sense about me, and right or wrong, from the time I was old enough to understand language and mobile, my parents would show me how to do things, and then, "Now, you do it." and that was it. It was all about independence. They taught me to never depend upon others, because, frankly, most people are not dependable, nor do they care about helping you, in fact, in my experience, people will often make a point of inhibiting you every step of the way.

Go around people, duck and dodge them, and just do things for yourself. I think you'll be much happier making mistakes and learning on your own rather than being perpetually disappointed with people.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

To add something to what @Neonatal RRT wrote, we tend to Not being aware of how much we anoy others just by being odd/special/different.

So yes, learning to do stuff by ourselves is very important.

 

[Rodafina]

I also don’t see what this has to do with being female. And, I agree with a Atrapa Almas that learning to do things ourselves is the key. Even when people are willing to help, it is not always the exact type of help that will be actually helpful. It’s good to be able to ask for help now and then and know that none of us is entirely alone in the world, but developing the skills to feel like we can care for ourselves is so very important.

It does feel true that although all people have many different types of struggles in the world, autistic people can sometimes understand each other’s challenges in a unique and specific way. I think this is one reason why the forum is so valuable. We can share our experiences and feel understood here.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Many autistics have a difficult time with interpersonal bonding. It's frustrating to say the least. Many don't have the oxytocin and vasopressin levels in order to be a "people person". As such, interpersonal relationships are more "scripted", "I should do this, that, and the other thing" to maintain a relationship. It can be mental work and we often need reminders, and we often fail. It doesn't come "natural" to us. As such, we are more likely to be by ourselves without a support system around us. This is the autism experience. It is more difficult for us. Now, if you are perpetually seeking validation and compassion from others, well good luck with that if you don't have a support system around you. You're going to be horribly disappointed in the reality.

Don't waste a thought on it. Envy, jealousy, depression, sadness are destructive emotions. Move on. Get your mind occupied with other things. It's a survival thing. It is more difficult, but also more rewarding knowing that whatever your accomplishments, it was because of your hard work, and not because you were propped up by others.

 

[Shamar]

Sometimes autistics can really struggle with things and they get forgotten or left behind
and it is the same with adhd
and there is no one to help or the compassion and support they need
it is really hard for a woman

With autism and ad(no h)d, it is really hard for a guy as well. You are not alone, it is one of the reasons we band together here. I was always being forgotten about and left behind. Sometimes it led me to question whether or not I actually existed. I came to realize I could not depend on anybody for anything (this included the crews I was in charge of) and planned things accordingly.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

Envy, jealousy, depression, sadness are destructive emotions. Move on. Get your mind occupied with other things. It's a survival thing. It is more difficult, but also more rewarding knowing that whatever your accomplishments, it was because of your hard work, and not because you were propped up by others.

I wonder if we had alexithymia and then we were able to easily ignore those feelings or if by turning our backs on those feelings we developed alexithymia.

I dont think people who feel normally can ignore feelings and move on. We can see people on this forum so trapped by their depressions or thinking patterns that they cant move on.

I resonate with the advice you gave, but I dont think it will be that useful for feeling oriented people.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I wonder if we had alexithymia and then we were able to easily ignore those feelings or if by turning our backs on those feelings we developed alexithymia.

I dont think people who feel normally can ignore feelings and move on. We can see people on this forum so trapped by their depressions or thinking patterns that they cant move on.

I resonate with the advice you gave, but I dont think it will be that useful for feeling oriented people.

I'm glad I have alexithymia, quite literally. I know there's pros and cons, but I cannot imagine ever functioning in this world with the chaos of emotions. Any time I've ever expressed emotions, it's been a negative experience. From what you're describing, it seems emotions are a negative for other people as well.

 

[vergil96]

alexithymia

For me, emotions became like left/non-dominant hand. I mean, I no longer am alexythimic, but I used to. The intellect did the same tasks much better. It didn't turn off feelings, they were still there, but acting in the background, I had to learn more about them, because I developed large psychosomatic illnesses and I was very dissatisfied with my relationships with other people.

Sometimes autistics can really struggle with things and they get forgotten or left behind
and it is the same with adhd
and there is no one to help or the compassion and support they need
it is really hard for a woman

I don't know what to advise beyond looking for friends who share your interests or perhaps taking care after others like family members, volunteering. Maybe you can adopt a dog or a cat from the animal shelter? What isn't obvious to realise is that what gives a sense of belonging and company doesn't have to be fitting in with the very social crowd or even about receiving anything (socially, not materially), giving is just as good at that.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I have an empathic streak. That comes out more on this forum as I'm among my own.

 

[Suzanne]

I am told that I do not look autistic, which goes a long way, to why I struggle so much.

I get why you mention females, because we are rather put on the shelve. Since ASD is more recognised in our male counterparts and we do desplay different traits.

I am trying to not care so much what other people think of me ( hard work) and also, trying to not expect things from people, because it is true, that on avarage humans are not very kind creatures.

However, in fairness to the group of people I know. They are nicer than the average, although I do get burnt out fast, when amongst them even for one day!

If you are single, in truth, what has been said here, although cold facts, is true. It is best to rely only on yourself.

That is, of course, if you do not have other issues, besides ASD.

I am very reliant on my husband, outside. I fear to make plans with others, because in my thoughts: how am I going to get home? Which is silly, since they are not stupid and know I need to get home. However, if I do not have a clear plain of action in my mind, I cannot make plans.

I hate being beholden to anyone and yet, due to not having a driving license, I am very much beholden to others and thus, I prefer to be home.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Many autistics have a difficult time with interpersonal bonding. It's frustrating to say the least. Many don't have the oxytocin and vasopressin levels in order to be a "people person". As such, interpersonal relationships are more "scripted", "I should do this, that, and the other thing" to maintain a relationship. It can be mental work and we often need reminders, and we often fail. It doesn't come "natural" to us. As such, we are more likely to be by ourselves without a support system around us. This is the autism experience. It is more difficult for us. Now, if you are perpetually seeking validation and compassion from others, well good luck with that if you don't have a support system around you. You're going to be horribly disappointed in the reality.

Don't waste a thought on it. Envy, jealousy, depression, sadness are destructive emotions. Move on. Get your mind occupied with other things. It's a survival thing. It is more difficult, but also more rewarding knowing that whatever your accomplishments, it was because of your hard work, and not because you were propped up by others.

Without knowing I am autistic, I had to navigate life. Because of that I became fiercely independent because, while knowing I was different, I did not let that stop me. Wanting to live independently and not knowing some basics? Well, I jumped in with both feet because I need to learn. Wanting a relationship? As hard as the social was I found groups where quirky was OK and met a woman who wanted to meet a person like me. I learned that life goes on with or without you and while participation was optional one had to learn the basics to survive.

 

[MNAus]

Many autistics have a difficult time with interpersonal bonding. It's frustrating to say the least. Many don't have the oxytocin and vasopressin levels in order to be a "people person". As such, interpersonal relationships are more "scripted", "I should do this, that, and the other thing" to maintain a relationship. It can be mental work and we often need reminders, and we often fail. It doesn't come "natural" to us. As such, we are more likely to be by ourselves without a support system around us. This is the autism experience. It is more difficult for us. Now, if you are perpetually seeking validation and compassion from others, well good luck with that if you don't have a support system around you. You're going to be horribly disappointed in the reality.

Don't waste a thought on it. Envy, jealousy, depression, sadness are destructive emotions. Move on. Get your mind occupied with other things. It's a survival thing. It is more difficult, but also more rewarding knowing that whatever your accomplishments, it was because of your hard work, and not because you were propped up by others.

This is such a great post. And I get it. And I also feel that I can't expect support when I can't maintain friend relationships. But still, I don't half feel exposed in facing life's struggles. There is really no-one to catch me if I fall. I just must keep going, my kids and partner depend on me, but I feel incredibly alone.

 

[Misty Avich]

I'm not great at making friends but I have a healthy, strong bond with many NT people (family, colleagues, my husband). It's not impossible for me, which is why I often question whether I'm on the spectrum or not.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

And I also feel that I can't expect support when I can't maintain friend relationships. But still, I don't half feel exposed in facing life's struggles. There is really no-one to catch me if I fall. I just must keep going, my kids and partner depend on me, but I feel incredibly alone.

Agree. Although, at this point in my life, I really enjoy the solitude. Again, pros and cons, but I really don't have a sense of loneliness, per se. Perhaps, if I didn't have my wife around me it would be different. I know that having her in my life, and then by some catastrophe, God forbid, she were gone, I would feel that grief, but I am thinking I would be fine, otherwise. I would just adapt and survive. People, in general, at least for me, are just "things in my environment" that I have to navigate around. Unless I actually need a someone with professional skills that I would hire to do something for me, an auto mechanic, an electrician, a roofer, whatever, I don't need people in my life. They can go away.