The switch analogy for social interactions

[Angular Chap]

I was explaining this analogy to someone and thought I would share.

It is about most in person social interactions, especially the unwanted ones.

Imagine a switch in the back of the person's mind. Any kind of switch. Could be a light switch, an old school knife switch, any kind of on-off toggle switch. Now imagine that switch is connected to a red light somewhere else in the back of the person's mind. Could be a little LED, a light bulb, a large neon indicator, any type of light or lamp. That light is labelled "placated" or happy, pleased, content, satisfied, appeased, pacified, any synonym for placated.

Most social interactions boil down to one thing: trying to figure out how to flip that little magic happy switch in the back of the person's mind, just to placate them.

Sometimes it's as easy as flipping the light switch in your kitchen. You think nothing of it.

Sometimes, it's obvious what you have to do or say, the switch is a large, old school knife switch. You confidently throw it, you get a reassuring ca-chonk, maybe an arc, a few sparks and the large neon "I'm placated" light comes on in the back of their mind and buzzes away and the person walks away, placated.

Sometimes the switch is more subtle and toggles a small LED.

Sometimes the switch is on a timer and you only have a limited time before you have to flip the switch again, the person is only happy for so long. They will be back to bother you again at some point and you will have to flip the switch again.

Sometimes the switch is faulty and you need to jiggle it a bit to make the light come on.

Sometimes the switch doesn't work at all and you have to figure out how to bypass it with a battery and crocodile clips to make the light come on. Or fix it on the fly without getting electrocuted.

Sometimes there are multiple switches and buttons, but the switch you need to flip to turn the light on is clearly labelled.

But sometimes, there are multiple switches with no labels. Which one turns on the magic happy light? Do you have to flip more than one to turn on the light? Or in a certain order?

And sometimes...well, forget it...

Sometimes there are just too many people involved in the interaction. I could flip random switches, push random buttons, pull random leavers, twiddle random knobs and hope for the best, but I would be risking blowing something up, upsetting at least one person. I may as well just walk away.

That's how most social interactions go for me. Especially the unwanted ones. I'm not actually being social or holding a conversation. I don't actually know what I'm doing or really what I'm supposed to say or do. All I'm really doing is trying to say the right words in the right order with the right tone to flip the magic happy switch in the back of the person's mind so the little placated light turns on, they leave me alone and I can get on with my day without somehow upsetting them or embarrassing myself.

 

[Rodafina]

I like it. Can totally relate to this analogy.

 

[Boogs]

This makes me think of those research vid's of training birds to perform tasks by hitting appropriate switches to operate something, and getting a reward in return. Pigeons working on a conveyor belt, locating imperfect manufactured plastic items of some sort, by hitting a 'reject' button in return for feed if it's correct. That kind of thing but more complex, more buttons.
The poor bird starts off with this bank of buttons (as I wax metaphorical) and none of them have labels on, and there's some sort of output to indicate success and reward correct actions.
So I (slipping accidentally into first person now) start to try them out...
And look! A reaction! But what does it mean? Is that a face? What's the thing that opens and closes? It's so loud, I can't hear it!
How do I label that button then? Does it matter what buttons I pressed before it? Or is the time of day I press them? Why does everyone else seem to already know what their buttons do? Have I missed some critical lesson, but no-one noticed or believes me?
Oh god! What if I need to press more than one at a time, how many possibilities is that?
...
But slowly, far too slowly, some of them become obvious. Especially the one's that return unpleasant responses, or definitely pleasant ones. And you (what happened to first person? Hmmm...) start to be able to add little notes and labels to the controls. The simpler (maybe) one's start to become navigable. It's still often a mystery as to why this switch or button causes that reaction, but it seems to be predictable a lot of the time. That's one for the manual (scribble scribble).
But what about the rest? the other 95% of options and possibilities? This is sooo much hard work! It's always requiring such concentration. No wonder sometimes it's all just too much to want, or even be able to face today.

etc.

P.S. Is that really parquet flooring in a nuclear power station control room?

 

[Ken]

I was explaining this analogy to someone and thought I would share.

It is about most in person social interactions, especially the unwanted ones.

Imagine a switch in the back of the person's mind. Any kind of switch. Could be a light switch, an old school knife switch, any kind of on-off toggle switch. Now imagine that switch is connected to a red light somewhere else in the back of the person's mind. Could be a little LED, a light bulb, a large neon indicator, any type of light or lamp. That light is labelled "placated" or happy, pleased, content, satisfied, appeased, pacified, any synonym for placated.

Most social interactions boil down to one thing: trying to figure out how to flip that little magic happy switch in the back of the person's mind, just to placate them.

Sometimes it's as easy as flipping the light switch in your kitchen. You think nothing of it.

View attachment 113531

Sometimes, it's obvious what you have to do or say, the switch is a large, old school knife switch. You confidently throw it, you get a reassuring ca-chonk, maybe an arc, a few sparks and the large neon "I'm placated" light comes on in the back of their mind and buzzes away and the person walks away, placated.

View attachment 113532

Sometimes the switch is more subtle and toggles a small LED.

View attachment 113544View attachment 113543

Sometimes the switch is on a timer and you only have a limited time before you have to flip the switch again, the person is only happy for so long. They will be back to bother you again at some point and you will have to flip the switch again.

Sometimes the switch is faulty and you need to jiggle it a bit to make the light come on.

Sometimes the switch doesn't work at all and you have to figure out how to bypass it with a battery and crocodile clips to make the light come on. Or fix it on the fly without getting electrocuted.

Sometimes there are multiple switches and buttons, but the switch you need to flip to turn the light on is clearly labelled.

View attachment 113536

But sometimes, there are multiple switches with no labels. Which one turns on the magic happy light? Do you have to flip more than one to turn on the light? Or in a certain order?

View attachment 113538

And sometimes...well, forget it...

View attachment 113540

Sometimes there are just too many people involved in the interaction. I could flip random switches, push random buttons, pull random leavers, twiddle random knobs and hope for the best, but I would be risking blowing something up, upsetting at least one person. I may as well just walk away.

That's how most social interactions go for me. Especially the unwanted ones. I'm not actually being social or holding a conversation. I don't actually know what I'm doing or really what I'm supposed to say or do. All I'm really doing is trying to say the right words in the right order with the right tone to flip the magic happy switch in the back of the person's mind so the little placated light turns on, they leave me alone and I can get on with my day without somehow upsetting them or embarrassing myself.

View attachment 113546View attachment 113547

Thanks. Well put!

 

[Shamar]

I was explaining this analogy to someone and thought I would share.

It is about most in person social interactions, especially the unwanted ones.

Imagine a switch in the back of the person's mind. Any kind of switch. Could be a light switch, an old school knife switch, any kind of on-off toggle switch. Now imagine that switch is connected to a red light somewhere else in the back of the person's mind. Could be a little LED, a light bulb, a large neon indicator, any type of light or lamp. That light is labelled "placated" or happy, pleased, content, satisfied, appeased, pacified, any synonym for placated.

Most social interactions boil down to one thing: trying to figure out how to flip that little magic happy switch in the back of the person's mind, just to placate them.

Sometimes it's as easy as flipping the light switch in your kitchen. You think nothing of it.

View attachment 113531

Sometimes, it's obvious what you have to do or say, the switch is a large, old school knife switch. You confidently throw it, you get a reassuring ca-chonk, maybe an arc, a few sparks and the large neon "I'm placated" light comes on in the back of their mind and buzzes away and the person walks away, placated.

View attachment 113532

Sometimes the switch is more subtle and toggles a small LED.

View attachment 113544View attachment 113543

Sometimes the switch is on a timer and you only have a limited time before you have to flip the switch again, the person is only happy for so long. They will be back to bother you again at some point and you will have to flip the switch again.

Sometimes the switch is faulty and you need to jiggle it a bit to make the light come on.

Sometimes the switch doesn't work at all and you have to figure out how to bypass it with a battery and crocodile clips to make the light come on. Or fix it on the fly without getting electrocuted.

Sometimes there are multiple switches and buttons, but the switch you need to flip to turn the light on is clearly labelled.

View attachment 113536

But sometimes, there are multiple switches with no labels. Which one turns on the magic happy light? Do you have to flip more than one to turn on the light? Or in a certain order?

View attachment 113538

And sometimes...well, forget it...

View attachment 113540

Sometimes there are just too many people involved in the interaction. I could flip random switches, push random buttons, pull random leavers, twiddle random knobs and hope for the best, but I would be risking blowing something up, upsetting at least one person. I may as well just walk away.

That's how most social interactions go for me. Especially the unwanted ones. I'm not actually being social or holding a conversation. I don't actually know what I'm doing or really what I'm supposed to say or do. All I'm really doing is trying to say the right words in the right order with the right tone to flip the magic happy switch in the back of the person's mind so the little placated light turns on, they leave me alone and I can get on with my day without somehow upsetting them or embarrassing myself.

View attachment 113546View attachment 113547

You have a really good analogy there. I would like to add the switch is a double throw, where it can be flipped in two different directions. One direction (up) is "Placate," the other (down) is "Anger" or "Offend." The problem for me is that not only do I have no idea of where the switch is or how to flip it, I have no idea when it has been flipped, or how to avoid flipping it to the wrong side. History has shown I am very good at flipping it to the wrong direction.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I was explaining this analogy to someone and thought I would share.

It is about most in person social interactions, especially the unwanted ones.

Imagine a switch in the back of the person's mind. Any kind of switch. Could be a light switch, an old school knife switch, any kind of on-off toggle switch. Now imagine that switch is connected to a red light somewhere else in the back of the person's mind. Could be a little LED, a light bulb, a large neon indicator, any type of light or lamp. That light is labelled "placated" or happy, pleased, content, satisfied, appeased, pacified, any synonym for placated.

Most social interactions boil down to one thing: trying to figure out how to flip that little magic happy switch in the back of the person's mind, just to placate them.

Sometimes it's as easy as flipping the light switch in your kitchen. You think nothing of it.

View attachment 113531

Sometimes, it's obvious what you have to do or say, the switch is a large, old school knife switch. You confidently throw it, you get a reassuring ca-chonk, maybe an arc, a few sparks and the large neon "I'm placated" light comes on in the back of their mind and buzzes away and the person walks away, placated.

View attachment 113532

Sometimes the switch is more subtle and toggles a small LED.

View attachment 113544View attachment 113543

Sometimes the switch is on a timer and you only have a limited time before you have to flip the switch again, the person is only happy for so long. They will be back to bother you again at some point and you will have to flip the switch again.

Sometimes the switch is faulty and you need to jiggle it a bit to make the light come on.

Sometimes the switch doesn't work at all and you have to figure out how to bypass it with a battery and crocodile clips to make the light come on. Or fix it on the fly without getting electrocuted.

Sometimes there are multiple switches and buttons, but the switch you need to flip to turn the light on is clearly labelled.

View attachment 113536

But sometimes, there are multiple switches with no labels. Which one turns on the magic happy light? Do you have to flip more than one to turn on the light? Or in a certain order?

View attachment 113538

And sometimes...well, forget it...

View attachment 113540

Sometimes there are just too many people involved in the interaction. I could flip random switches, push random buttons, pull random leavers, twiddle random knobs and hope for the best, but I would be risking blowing something up, upsetting at least one person. I may as well just walk away.

That's how most social interactions go for me. Especially the unwanted ones. I'm not actually being social or holding a conversation. I don't actually know what I'm doing or really what I'm supposed to say or do. All I'm really doing is trying to say the right words in the right order with the right tone to flip the magic happy switch in the back of the person's mind so the little placated light turns on, they leave me alone and I can get on with my day without somehow upsetting them or embarrassing myself.

View attachment 113546View attachment 113547

All I have to say is if you do not get along with some people, find their mannerisms or personality frustrating or annoying it is ok.
Masking is tough and I do think autistics generally try very hard
But some neurotypicals do have annoying habits. Like comparing, they can be very stubborn too and unbendable, cannot tolerate differences as well sometimes, can have bad beliefs
If you are antagonistic in some ways, it is ok
No matter what do not mask the bad stuff

 

[MNAus]

I get it. But at the same time this is masking. That's fine for situations where you must toe the line, but it can reasonably be perceived as manipulative when talking to loved ones or where people can reasonably expect you to be operating on the same level of disclosure. Use with care, people will be upset if they find you're approaching from this calculated direction.

 

[Angular Chap]

All I have to say is if you do not get along with some people, find their mannerisms or personality frustrating or annoying it is ok.
Masking is tough and I do think autistics generally try very hard
But some neurotypicals do have annoying habits. Like comparing, they can be very stubborn too and unbendable, cannot tolerate differences as well sometimes, can have bad beliefs
If you are antagonistic in some ways, it is ok
No matter what do not mask the bad stuff

Thank you. Yes, I'm trying!

I get it. But at the same time this is masking. That's fine for situations where you must toe the line, but it can reasonably be perceived as manipulative when talking to loved ones or where people can reasonably expect you to be operating on the same level of disclosure. Use with care, people will be upset if they find you're approaching from this calculated direction.

Yes, a fair point. There would also definitely be an element of guilt with loved ones with this. I get what you mean about being seen as manipulative, after all telling people what they want to hear to get the wanted response is exactly what con artists do.

 

[Ken]

You have a really good analogy there. I would like to add the switch is a double throw, where it can be flipped in two different directions. One direction (up) is "Placate," the other (down) is "Anger" or "Offend." The problem for me is that not only do I have no idea of where the switch is or how to flip it, I have no idea when it has been flipped, or how to avoid flipping it to the wrong side. History has shown I am very good at flipping it to the wrong direction.

In my interpretation, that condition is covered by the multiple switches with no labels. I feel that because that seems to be my life story.

In my life, even if I am lucky enough to figure out which wrong switch I switched, I can't switch it back off or undo the harm of switching it. It's like most, if not all, the switches are one way. They can be turned on, but never off. And switching the "good" switch on will never completely override the bad from the bad switch.

 

[Ken]

Thank you. Yes, I'm trying!


Yes, a fair point. There would also definitely be an element of guilt with loved ones with this. I get what you mean about being seen as manipulative, after all telling people what they want to hear to get the wanted response is exactly what con artists do.

I have found that masking is a part of language. If I do not mask, they will misunderstand what I say. The communication was not only unsuccessful, it was negative or accusatory even if my point is extremely positive and supportive. If I want them to understand, I have to mask.
A primary part of communication for NT's is expression, mannerism, and tone. I am blind to those items. The actual words are only a small part of the communication, so I have to try to get my expressions, mannerisms and tone to match their interpretation. I call that masking and it is extremely exhausting, nervous and scary.
I can say the exact same words several different times; each with a different expression, mannerism and tone and they will have a wildly different interpretation (sometimes polar opposite) of each statement depending on the expression, mannerism and tone.
I have been practicing this for years, but the blindness is permanent. This is why it is so hard to keep good friends. I can make really good friends, but eventually, I miss masking or if we are together for too long and I fatigue out and slip my masking, they will be offended. And, I can never figure out what I said, because my expression, mannerism and tone was a primary part of what I said (in their interpretation) and I am blind to that.

 

[Angular Chap]

Thank you for your insights, @Ken. Appreciate you sharing. More things to add to my notes and spend time considering. Matching their interpretation is a new one for me to think about.

 

[Ken]

Thank you for your insights, @Ken. Appreciate you sharing. More things to add to my notes and spend time considering. Matching their interpretation is a new one for me to think about.

Over time, my wife is beginning to understand my body language blindness and be less quick to anger. For example, I can say something like, "What a wonderful morning we are having", which makes her angry, telling me to stop being so negative. I then ask, what did I say?? She would say I was complaining how awful the morning is. I would then ask her to quote what I just said. That would make her more angry, but if pressed she would say she don't remember my exact words. She would then explain that it was my expression and tone.

I have read about a 90 percent communications rule: 38% is tone, 55% is body language and 7% is the words. This fits my experiences exactly. Another experiment with my wife is to write something I want to convey to her so she can read it without looking at me. Everytime, she gets it 100%. If I verbally tell her that same script, she finds it offensive.