The "You never take me out" argument...

[RubenX]

This issue is a classic one. I'm 39 years and 3-times divorcee and trust me, this happened with every single wife/girlfriend I ever had. Until recently, it was very frustrating and I thought I was a bad husband/boyfriend. Now that I know what's wrong, it doesn't really make me a better partner... but at least I have some medical data to ask for mercy/leniency. Anyway, here are my thoughts on the subject (nicely categorized of course):

Spontaneity

Rarely ever happens, but sometimes I feel in the mood for going out. Several events need to happen in the right order:

a) I must have had a good sleep the night before. If I'm sleepy, I'm cranky and I don't want to go anywhere.
b) My daily doses of "pursuing my interests" must have been met. Otherwise, I'll be cranky because I'm not "pursuing my interests".
c) There must be an adequate financial support for the activity. Otherwise I'll be worried the whole day trying to remember if the bills were paid.
d) <reserved for anything else that might have forgotten at the time of writing this thread>

When all these things align, it's wonderful! I take the gf/wife out and I'm the funniest & most interesting guy on earth. I use my pattern spotting skills to find the most hilarious stuff on the surrounding environment and everybody have a great laugh and a happy day.

The Planning

Apparently, non-Aspie humans tend to be socially busy to the point that they need a schedule in order to avoid having multiple social commitments at the same time. In order to date them, you need to make an appointment days in advance. It's been pointed out to me that this social scheduling is to be called "The Planning", and that if I want to go out I should "plan ahead". Failing to properly plan ahead usually means that all free time has already been allocated to friends and family.

The Conflict

If I "plan ahead" is really a Russian roulette. When the date comes I would probably be sleepy, cranky, interested in something else, worried about money, etc etc etc. And if I don't plan ahead, when spontaneity arrives, gf/wife can't go out with me because her schedule is already full with prior commitments.

GOWC Infractions (Going Out While Cranky)

Apparently taking out the romantic partner is not enough. You have to actually want it. If you used the socially accepted "plan ahead" method and failed to spontaneously become happy on that specific date/time, you will actually lose more points that if you didn't took the girl out at all. It's been pointed out to me that this infraction is called "Going Out While Cranky", or GOWC for short, and the penalties for committing GOWC could last for years.

...and that's all I have for now..

 

[Kelly]

Spontaneity

Rarely ever happens, but sometimes I feel in the mood for going out. Several events need to happen in the right order:

a) I must have had a good sleep the night before. If I'm sleepy, I'm cranky and I don't want to go anywhere.
b) My daily doses of "pursuing my interests" must have been met. Otherwise, I'll be cranky because I'm not "pursuing my interests".
c) There must be an adequate financial support for the activity. Otherwise I'll be worried the whole day trying to remember if the bills were paid.
d) <reserved for anything else that might have forgotten at the time of writing this thread>

A & B is exactly how I am. Although it applies to going anywhere not just out socially, if we need to go shopping on a day that we don't normally go shopping I get so annoyed usually because of a) & b). If we plan a day trip with our daughter say to a theme park I have to make sure I get plenty of sleep and feel I've done enough of my interests the day before otherwise I'm in a cranky mood most of the day and can't really enjoy it, I never worry about money unless we are spending a crazy amount and even then it's only if I know we NEED to spend a large amount very soon. Example my husband wanting to buy snakes, a vivarium etc (came to about ?500) a week before we were going on holiday to see my family (so spending more money) and 3 weeks before my daughter's birthday party (with a balance of ?200 still to pay)...then I worried but he was so excited and happy I figured screw saving up we'll get them and worry about it later.

Also I don't get the whole wanting to go out places, it just seems so bizarre to me and I've never had the need to do that, thankfully my husband is the same and likes to stay at home killing zombies on the xbox with me.

 

[Soup]

Multiple Social Committments ought to be in the DSM as a crazy-making disorder!!! I've got to ask: were your wives NTs? My husband & I are both Aspies so I've got more of a case of don't you even try taking me anywhere: if I wanted to be some place else don't you think I'd BE there right now?!? When I decided to be in Cuba, I got up & went. He also wanted to be there too so we both went. When he wanted to drive to the Grand Canyon, he went. I didn't feel like it so I remained here. We also have to have the stuff in place that is on your list. I'd add:

d) that the weather has to be such that I don't feel distracted or harassed by it.
e) said outing must not involve seeing or hanging out with anyone I don't feel like seeing or hanging out with.
f) once we've agreed as to the parameters of said outing, it must remain exactly as we agreed upon: no sudden disturbing "Since we're out, let's go see or do _______ instead!"

 

[King_Oni]

I kinda have it the same way, and I even have it when people come over to my place. I don't live with my girlfriend, I live at my parents house, and I can somewhat avoid them when I feel a tad more towards sociopathic tendencies. The most contact I have with them is about 5 minutes a day for dinner, that's all the social contact I have with people around me in general.

And thus asking if my girlfriend wants to come over, who lives roughly 100 miles from my place, it's a bit of roulette as well. Usually I can manage fine, keep busy with personal interests, minimize stress, try to get a good sleep (and usually don't meet up early, just to give daytime a bit more leeway. That somewhat interferes with other plans I could make... and in the future even a job I guess. But then again, I've been diagnosed with minor, but prevalent moodswings as well.

As for interests, that sounds familiar as well. My big problem is, and I figured that out over 10 years ago, my sessions of hobby and interest can go up to 48 hours non-stop, that's in some cases the minimum amount of "relax and play time" I need. That's where school suffered as well, since I just couldn't keep motivated and out of depression since I needed my personal time that much.

As for going places... I'm not going places, except maybe, to my girlfriend in Amsterdam, if I don't have money to spend. I always found it a pity that I have to go places and find out I don't have money for a small "souvenir" (not a touristy one, but just something I stumbled upon... sometimes a random item from a store that's not in my area), and I usually end up going somewhere to eat/drink something, that could be relatively cheap fastfood (mostly is), but if I don't have 10 bucks for foods and drinks chances are I'm not considering going places.

Right now, my current personal situation is kinda stable... I have no multiple social commitments. Heck, I don't really have any commitments at the moment. I can't deal with more than 1 commitment on any day... and sometimes more than 1 in a week. I'm usually stressed out over such commitments (especially since a lot commitments involve social services and other stressful factors), so I'm going through possible scenario's and scripts to make the conversation going on... and that can put me stressed out for a week. So yes... multiple social commitment should be in the DSM as a cause of anxiety and stress, lol.

The biggest thing, and that's actually what might be on-topic most of my entire rambling

G) At least go somewhere, where you actually want to go, where there's purpose. Just going there, for the sake of going somewhere is total BS in my humble opinion. That's also a reason why I don't go places that often.

So for a big part I agree with A through F and add G myself. As for F) "planning ahead" only goes that far in that I have a plan where I want to go... anything else... I'm open and flexible to suggestions, provided the person I might go with knows a bit on what I might like.

 

[gypsywillow]

I am a female, suspected Aspie. I have the opposite problem. Social engagements drain me, and make me antsy, and I need adequate time to be mentally prepared. I'm also a single mom, so that complicates it. I need a PLAN...with advance notice. Once I have the plan, and I've prepared myself physically & mentally, THEN I am comfortable with being spontaneous during the date. But I will not accept a last minute invitation because I know it will go badly to horrific depending on the situation. I guess all of this is to explain, that as a female aspie, I am double reinforced with the "need a plan" route...so you would probably be REALLY stressed dating another aspie.

 

[piney13]

I have recently realized that once I met someone and we became friends that I stopped doing things like dinners, shows etc...I have not had a steady relationship for 24 years....this may be why and I'm just seeing this...that and I am now sober..

 

[watersprite]

RubenX All of it makes sense to me, logical and I understand it. Also agree with King_Oni that going somewhere you don't have a pull towards, because someone else wants to is a drag and leads to a bad experience. But then I'm pretty strange: my favorite sort of date was to take a hike to a mountain or a beach somewhere quiet & hopefully remote, and maybe eat sandwiches on an overlook.

 

[Beverly]

For me the planning ahead part works well, it's the spur of the moment things I struggle with. If I plan ahead, I can be sure I save the money for the outing, I can plan my wardrobe, get my hair done, be sure to satisfy my obsessions earlier in the day and, if need be have a nap before I go out. I can't control the weather so, might have to modify the outing to accommodate that but a change of venue isn't a big deal to me and, it will still be enjoyable if we need to be indoors due to weather.

What irritates me is the "Get in the car, we're going out." when I have no clue where or why we are going. Then it doesn't matter what we do, I'm tense and miserable the entire time. Exhausted and beyond cranky by the time I get home and, I will pitch a tantrum the next time the same person tries to get me to go out, even if it's planned. I don't trust them to stick to the plan so, I'm on edge on every subsequent outing with them.

I don't like going just to see what's there. I want to go for a reason, to obtain or do a specific thing, then leave. No wandering about, no taking a new route, no doing other things along the way. Do what is planned then go home straight away. If it's out to dinner and a movie, that's all I expect to do, no shopping, no going for a scenic drive, no stopping for a snack, just go to dinner at the planned location then, go to the movie you told me we would see, then go home via the quickest route. Do anything else and I will be upset and, won't go out with you again.

My husband knows that and warns me well in advance of anything he wants us to do together and, doesn't argue when I plan something I want us to do together. Beyond that, he asks me if I want to go along for other things but graciously accepts "no, I'll stay home." for an answer and, he doesn't try to stop me if I want to go out alone.

 

[Mia]

This is so funny, it reads like my thirty year marriage to my spouse Spontaneity: I once suggested that we make sandwiches and eat at the end of our hike, making it a lunch (which HAS to be eaten at a table, preferably in the kitchen). He looked panicked and uneasy, but couldn't explain why. So the lunch was made, and we brought it with us and he really liked sitting on a bench eating it, preferably with chips. He was grouchy during the entire hike, because I didn't give him any notice of the food eating a day beforehand. Since then if I suggest that we have a picnic he immediately says yes, or if he doesn't like the idea, he'll say its going to rain

Years ago my spouse suggested that I give him fifteen minutes 'notice' before dinner was ready, so that he does not have to come right away! I said no, there is already enough to think about when I'm in the midst of preparing a meal. I prepare the food and tell him its ready, if he doesn't come to eat, then he can heat it up when he wants to. That way there is no anxiety related to eating the food immediately. We don't have to eat together, if I'm hungry I eat, and he does the same.

 

[illud]

Um I'm like that too, no complain from my partners, probably because I've had few or luckily in that aspect they were like me.

Other people do complain, like family members do bother me with their "why don't you go out?" Well, I do go out but I don't share because you don't seem to have a common interest so why bother you? I go out but I don't spend half the event taking pictures and updating them on my social media.
I'm turning a bit of a hermit recently, I don't see the appeal to go out most of the time. I think my dad is starting to get worried if there's something wrong.
I go out if there's a great reason to do so, attend something that relates with my interests. If I know I'm going to feel comfortable with the venue and the people around me. I used to go to many literary related events to the point I was well known by other authors, and they would try to put some spotlight on me, which just overwhelms me.

 

[Slithytoves]

I could relate to this OP so well that I said "Thank you" aloud when I finished reading it. The first two items on Soup's list apply to me, too, and I share Mia's husband's need for notice about dinner. It feels so good to know I'm not at all alone in this stuff. The "Planning" and "Conflict" items constitute a major dilemma that has left many a friend and loved one irritated with me. I do think having an Aspie partner could make it all easier, provided you both have similar conditions. Harrison and I are pretty close in our needs and preferences, and where we aren't, at least we can understand the thinking.

I also have the problem of getting bored, distracted, or simply satiated with activities before they are "over", or my activity partners are done with them. I'm infamous for checking out of concerts early, for example, leaving my companion to watch the rest of the show while I go outside and sit, people-watching or maybe engaging the odd stranger in brief conversation. Not only is my companion usually annoyed with me for leaving (I guess they feel deprived of sharing the full experience, or think I'm weird, rude, or just unfathomable), but their time is also ruined by the insistence that I must not have enjoyed the outing. Half a concert followed by some down time in the evening air is actually a great time for me. That respite recharges me for coffee or whatever afterwards. Try telling that to an NT. (I say concert tickets display start times, but not end times, so I feel like I'm free to think I got my money's worth at whatever point I choose.)

Great thread.

 

[Mia]

I'm infamous for checking out of concerts early, for example, leaving my companion to watch the rest of the show while I go outside and sit, people-watching or maybe engaging the odd stranger in brief conversation. Not only is my companion usually annoyed with me for leaving (I guess they feel deprived of sharing the full experience, or think I'm weird, rude, or just unfathomable), but their time is also ruined by the insistence that I must not have enjoyed the outing. Half a concert followed by some down time in the evening air is actually a great time for me.

So am I, in some situations I can only concentrate for an hour or two, then become overstimulated and have to walk it off. I've been locked out of movie theaters, an opera house and several concert halls. Having to wait outside until its over and the person I went with comes out, usually upset in some way at my disappearance. I now explain ahead of time, that if it becomes too much, that I will wait outside or in the car, or that we can plan to meet at some proscribed place.

 

[Beverly]

Slithytoves I agree be it a concert, movie, a meal you paid for when it was good, you enjoyed what you took of it and, are satisfied, then you got your money's worth. It doesn't matter if there is some left, you shouldn't have to over stuff yourself and, others should respect your choice to not be a glutton. If they don't that is their problem.

Leaving a show early doesn't mean you did not enjoy it any more than leaving food on you plate means the food did not taste good.

Sure there might be a more formal occasion now and again when leaving early would cause a scene but, most of the time it doesn't. Might make a companion a bit uncomfortable but, if it does, it just shows that they have a "Must clean my plate." mentality and, you do not. In the end who is going to be over stuffed and miserable and who is going to be satisfied and happy? I think you're the smart one there.

 

[Gordy]

My problem us the forward planning. I would prefer to be more spontaneous, but she prefers me to book things well in advance. I just like hanging round the house and garden. It cost a fortune so I might as well enjoy it. Truthfully, I get very little from just going out on the town. It's usually a very negative experience and feels more like work. I don't drink and I also feel uncomfortable spending money I can't afford, although my wife can because she earns three times what I do. Money is a problem area for all marriages I think, aspie or not.

 

[Elemental]

I have less of an issue being spontaneous when I am solo; if anything, impulsiveness is something that I have tried to train to restrain in myself but that's partly because my mind is like a windmill sometimes & I will go off on impractical missions. Something with low impact social interaction like kestrel's mountain or beach location probably wouldn't present tooooooo much anxiety although I been on such before & went into meltdown over the driver going the wrong way against the painted arrows in a busy car park so it varies Loose plans are useful but I'm not one for an overly planned itinerary.

...you would probably be REALLY stressed dating another aspie.

Sorry if I Spam but the above jumped out because I have been having real difficulty with this in an on-off relationship for months now. Despite doing reading on male AS & trying to make reasonable allowances regards general input I feel short changed but remain unsure if that's just my own ASD over-sensitivities or their AS manifestation LOL. Relationship minefields eh