Thinking of buying a headstone for my mum's grave...

[Lemon Zing]

It has been almost a year (time flies) since I lost my mother.

As I covered in a prior thread, she had been on dialysis for over a year, after suffering a near fatal heart attack in 2022. But I found out she hid a letter regarding needing surgery. She had an aortic aneurysm, so there is a possibility she was told this could have been about to rupture. Maybe she wasn't sure of how to tell us her death was imminent, so 'just got on with it' to feel graceful.

Lately, I began to feel somewhat angry about not being able to say goodbye properly. Like, I sometimes feel like I was partly betrayed. As I was very close to my mum, I felt like I could open up to her, and vice versa. But with how info was concealed from my family, none of us were prepared when her passing did come.

I know I wasn't really "betrayed" as such. But there was so many mixed signals in her final days, from my sister and I thinking the staff in the hospice forcefully removed her lines, to the overdose on pain relief that took place the week of her passing at her house, as confirmed by paramedics. I still don't know if her lines were removed against her will. She just came home and looked sad, according to my sister. I live in a flat elsewhere.

When we mentioned fluid in her lungs being untreated, I remember her looking at me and saying, "They will take it off at dialysis". To this day, I don't know if she really was confused, or hiding info.

It only came to light now what (partially) happened. Her hiding the letter. Had we known, I feel her passing may have been on, I wouldn't say 'nicer terms' as I don't know how to describe it. I don't consider one passing away remotely easy, especially your own mother. But I just meant that it was a real disaster with how she got treated, to the not being prepared part. Then my sister barely acquiring the funds for a funeral. It has not even been entirely paid off either.

One thing that irritates me is that I never had a kid of my own, but she was a grandmother to my three sisters' children. I could never get a girlfriend, sadly. I was always referred to as a retard, and was a stepping stone for my ex. I never fit in with people, even though I resented feeling like a loner.

I would like to buy a headstone. Something sea related would be wonderful for her epitaph.

 

[CreatedUnique]

I'm sincerely sorry for your loss. What did she like about the sea? Was it the waves , seashells, etc? Was going to sea special for you and your Mother?
I saw some really pretty headstones online with seashells, waves, a lighthouse.

And , I don't know you, but I know you're not a retard. You are a unique person. I know that's redundant but even though we can all share similar interests etc. We are all still uniquely and wonderfully made. That's from a bible verse Psalms 139:14. I only reference that verse, because I want you to know you matter. It sounds like according to your post you and your Mother were very close. The virtual hug is from me. And the ghost hug represents your Mother . I truly believe our loved ones even when their physical gone, still love us very much and want to be there for us , and with us.

I hope you find the right headstone to represent your Mother.

 

[CreatedUnique]

Just wanted to be helpful, and that you're not alone.

 

[All-Rounder]

"to the overdose on pain relief that took place the week of her passing at her house, as confirmed by paramedics" - that is abusive unfortunately it happens a lot specifically in the US from what I heard from my friends and maybe

<<When we mentioned fluid in her lungs being untreated, I remember her looking at me and saying, "They will take it off at dialysis". To this day, I don't know if she really was confused, or hiding info.>>

could be related to the overdose if it was around the times you noticed overdose symptoms, morphine OD is like drugs, are they even aware, like when people get out of a surgery and bluff.

"One thing that irritates me is that I never had a kid of my own, but she was a grandmother to my three sisters' children. I could never get a girlfriend, sadly. I was always referred to as a retard, and was a stepping stone for my ex. I never fit in with people, even though I resented feeling like a loner."

It sounds to me like you have a strong desire to live neurotypically, but you aren't neurotypical so I'm not sure if it would be a good life for you or a possible life per say. Even they struggle with relationships.

It sounds like a terrible case of malpraxis, I'm so sorry you all had to get through that and the thought that it could be the reason for your mother's death sends chills down the spine and it certainly doesn't leave space for closure.

The other problem would be if communication with the hospital could be created, if they would tell the truth or hide things but I think you need more documents, where did your mother put the documents after she was released from hospital and other medical papers? My mom was hiding stuff from me and family, when I went through her documents while she was hospitalized again I saw a lot more than I have known. And she didn't tell me she had a stroke, my aunt let me know. She didn't realize, think logically or care that it would've been more harmful for me not to know.

 

[Lemon Zing]

My mum loved the Isle of Arran. Have relatives who live there. And she enjoyed visiting the port in Musselburgh as well.

I recall at the hospice, she said she liked being near the ocean as you could hear the water.

Unfortunately, it was my sister who found the letter after tidying her room. None of us knew beforehand, and our mum said her trips to the hospice was for respite.

 

[Streetwise]

My mum loved the Isle of Arran. Have relatives who live there. And she enjoyed visiting the port in Musselburgh as well.

I recall at the hospice, she said she liked being near the ocean as you could hear the water.

Unfortunately, it was my sister who found the letter after tidying her room. None of us knew beforehand, and our mum said her trips to the hospice was for respite.

many terminally ill people euthanase themselves, as they know this time! there is no cure.
My mam(mother) wanted to! but as you know!, the uk is still medieval, regarding physician assisted death, my mam begged for someone to do it.

She had the worst form of Motor neurone disease!, ever seen by the m.n.d assoc nurses, the m.n.d assoc had been established for 20 years, when she was dying,she weighed nine and a half stones before diagnosis and 3 stones at death.
All her limbs were contorted inwards, her lips collapsed inwards ,her jaw locked down onto her tongue nearly severing it in half,the back and front of her neck were paralysed, which meant she could choke to death, her vocal chords became paralysed first,the mnd worked its way down her left side, you could watch it actually paralysing her, the muscle on her arm twitched for a long!time, it's an mnd fasciculation,then it was paralysed .

As she was a member of the then! voluntary euthanasia society!, she'd signed a dnr(do not resuscitate).

 

[Mary Terry]

@Lemon Zing - My mother knew she was very ill and unlikely to survive much longer. She was tired of being sick and hospitalized, and I believe she came to terms with her impending death, and perhaps even welcomed it. People do get to the point where they are ready to die and do not fear it. Maybe your mom was at that point. She concealed medical information from your family, maybe to shield the family from worrying or maybe because she didn't want arguments or pressure about doing something medically aggressive that was unlikely to significantly improve her quality or duration of life.

Maybe grief counseling would help you accept it or at least come to terms with it. When your family gets the gravestone, maybe you can have a graveside memorial service for her. Plant some flowers on her grave if the cemetery allows it. I recently ordered 50 daffodil bulbs to plant in our family cemetery (we have a private, family-owned cemetery on our land) this fall. My mom loved daffodils.

May you find peace.

 

[Jonn]

As she was a member of the then! voluntary euthanasia society!, she'd signed a dnr(do not resuscitate).

Society is maddening.
I am 100% in favour of euthanasia.
I joined "Exit" decades ago.
Thankfully, here in Australia, more and more states are introducing legislation for this.

As I like to say:
"My life...My choice..."

 

[Jonn]

But there was so many mixed signals in her final days, from my sister and I thinking the staff in the hospice forcefully removed her lines, to the overdose on pain relief that took place the week of her passing at her house, as confirmed by paramedics.

I know a nurse who has indicated morphine overdoses for humane reasons, in terminal cases, does happen to lessen the suffering.
I would want that myself.

Your mother may have confided to the medical team that it was her wish.
If she did, I doubt it would have been disclosed for legal reasons.

 

[Streetwise]

Society is maddening.
I am 100% in favour of euthanasia.
I joined "Exit" decades ago.
Thankfully, here in Australia, more and more states are introducing legislation for this.

As I like to say:
"My life...My choice..."

We might have a choice at the end of this year !if a debate becomes a bill.

Then people who are literally poison from death(cancers that emerge through the dermis and rot on the exterior or paralysis where infections emerge and become septicaemia) can just die,the debate is in september

 

[Lemon Zing]

Last night, I gave my sister a chum to the bus stop, and she said that the police came to the house one summer ago, because my mum refused to open the door to the nurses. I think they were putting pressure on her to end her life.

My sister never told me this before. An operation meant that her lines were reinstated. What made my mum ill was the fact they allowed swelling of her legs to cause a fluid increase in her lungs. This is a side effect of dialysis, I think. Then the overdose occurred, which seems like a very odd coincidence.

I didn't even know about this until yesterday. But I didn't like the attitude of the senior nurse in that hospice, because my mum wanted tea, and she got moody. When my mum was at the smoking shelter, we had to go home. They left her there unsupervised. But what if she had another seizure?

It is risky leaving a smoker unattended after they knowingly had a stroke.

 

[Streetwise]

Last night, I gave my sister a chum to the bus stop, and she said that the police came to the house one summer ago, because my mum refused to open the door to the nurses. I think they were putting pressure on her to end her life.

My sister never told me this before. An operation meant that her lines were reinstated. What made my mum ill was the fact they allowed swelling of her legs to cause a fluid increase in her lungs. This is a side effect of dialysis, I think. Then the overdose occurred, which seems like a very odd coincidence.

I didn't even know about this until yesterday. But I didn't like the attitude of the senior nurse in that hospice, because my mum wanted tea, and she got moody. When my mum was at the smoking shelter, we had to go home. They left her there unsupervised. But what if she had another seizure?

It is risky leaving a smoker unattended after they knowingly had a stroke.

A hospice isn't legally obliged to do what a surgical hospital does, that's the problem, all! govs have dumped patients onto care homes and hospices, so they can destroy the nhs!.




My mam was in a nursing home but gov rules are there only has to be one qualified nurse and two carers with no medical training for 30 THIRTY people, it's negligence waiting to happen! the carers are paid indentured slave wages

 

[Mary Terry]

Hospice is for end-of-life care, when there is no hope for continued existence. If a family doesn't want their loved one to die in hospice, then they'll have to take care of their loved one in their home. These things are so hard to contemplate and to accept. I hope you find peace.

 

[Alexej]

My mum loved the Isle of Arran. Have relatives who live there. And she enjoyed visiting the port in Musselburgh as well.

I recall at the hospice, she said she liked being near the ocean as you could hear the water.

Unfortunately, it was my sister who found the letter after tidying her room. None of us knew beforehand, and our mum said her trips to the hospice was for respite.

Arran is a really nice place