This has been a really hard scary couple days

[ChrisCRISPR]

I haven’t been around the forums as much, I’ve been in isolating panic shell mode is the best way I can describe it. My only friend and support that I have is who I live with but I didn’t know that me not being on the lease could get her in trouble and so I was told I’d have to submit my information and get approved to be on the lease or leave or my friend could be evicted.

I think rationally I know there is a procedure like with property managers and landlords but I just feel like if someone has a home and their friend or family is in need they should be able to give that person shelter and solace without all the extra steps and red tape.

I panic any time a credit check or background check is involved. Oddly enough I don’t have any felonies or crazy bad violent crimes or being on any registry. It’s just a triggering thing for me because I hate living in a society that judges someone so heavily for actions made long ago.

That was one thing I learned about ASD in many books it talks about not being aware of the consequences of one’s actions and I really get mad and frustrated with myself because I did so many stupid irresponsible things as a teenager and younger adult without thinking about how it looks on a permanent record.

So even though what should be an obviously simple straightforward task as provide your DL, SS card and employment information so they can add me into their system and put me on the lease seems like a normal thing all of a sudden becomes something so dreadful and all my thoughts melt together like sludge nothing makes sense in my head I get where I can’t breathe normally and there’s a very painful knot in my stomach I get scared and just shut down.

The good news is I have got the information the landlord needed and she told my friend that we really have nothing to worry about that she understands our situation and so all of this really is over amplified in my head I think maybe from trauma and ptsd I am not sure.

I just needed to get this out and vent. I have to go to bed soon because tomorrow is my first official day at my new job! I got job I interviewed for the other day for those who remember when I posted about it. I went in for a short day yesterday to sign paperwork and get uniform and a tour of the facilities and meet some of my coworkers. Everyone was really kind and I am going to enjoy working there. It’s my first job in a very long time (over a year unfortunately) but I’m going to give it my best!

I know I probably sound crazy making a big deal and worrying myself sick over things that aren’t even as bad as I’m making them out to be but I feel like I can’t help it. My brain will literally feel like someone’s in there smashing everything around with a baseball bat and I get paralyzed, I can’t think but only feel panic and dread and I won’t eat and people around me have a hard time getting me receptive to them even offering me a treat or something nice to get me out of my shell I’m always so grateful but frozen and crippled and stuck hiding inside.

Does anyone know what I mean about this feeling and what do you do when it happens to you? How do you cope and manage and function? I hope to hear stories and learn from others here on this forum thank you for letting me share.

 

[Progster]

This specific thing has never happened to me, but I do know the feeling of dread. Things that are easy for other people can be very hard and stressful for me, like a mountain to climb and overwhelming.

 

[Sasha22]

I think I can relate. Could it also be the amount of sudden (constructive) change that feels overwhelming? Official place to stay plus a new job. I get overwhelmed anytime there's a major change (new job, new place, new trip, etc). I also over-worry about anything resembling a background check even though I have no reason to - I just feel like there's got to be some reason to reject me. Once you get through this ok, maybe you'll feel a little better.

 

[Rodafina]

@ChrisCRISPR
You don’t sound crazy.

I, too, can panic over things that others accomplish easily. We must battle our own instincts sometimes, and push through the anxiety, whatever it takes (even engaging protective shell mode).

Hopefully this will be in the past soon and everything will work out smoothly.

 

[elgat0verde]

It happens to me, I've made so many mistakes and many bad rash decisions in my life that it has put me into this situation, this horrible situation.

I don't get panic attacks, I just get very sad and disappointed in myself because my actions have hurt the ones I love the most (my kids).

It's been a rough couple days for me too, nparents are being how they are and can't accept me at all, playing the victims and then talking badly about me to everyone to make everyone think I'm the bad guy.

I regret every stupid decision I ever did and, as I said, this has me very depressed and sad.

All the things my trauma made me do, all the forced relationships to not feel lonely, the fear of being alone and the seeking of the love that was never given to me haunts me daily.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Think about it this way-

If you are on the lease, then every month that the rent is paid, you are establishing good rental credit.

In the future, if you want to move, a landlord will see that you were an excellent tenant, and offer you a nice place to live. Any future room mates will also see that you were a very good room mate.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Think about it this way-

If you are on the lease, then every month that the rent is paid, you are establishing good rental credit.

In the future, if you want to move, a landlord will see that you were an excellent tenant, and offer you a nice place to live. Any future room mates will also see that you were a very good room mate.

I agree. Rather than getting upset with the process, recognize the benefits that are provided. For instance, obtaining a good credit score will result in things from loans to insurance being cheaper. You are approaching it in a one dimensional way. Adding you to the lease also affords you legal protection (as well as some responsibilities) and this also allows you to gain positive credentials. Being upset at that accomplishes nothing and is one of the simplest things you may be asked to do as part of all the things necessary for independent life.

 

[Xinyta]

I am glad things worked out, but your reaction isn't unusual. Anything that comes from left field to interrupt things in our lives, or plans for the day can be hard to deal with.

However, like you found out. Nothing is as bad as it seems.

Though I do still have a good number of days where something happens that, in my head, throws the whole day off. Though alot of it is how I have myself psychologically wired too, which I am try to fix.

 

[ChrisCRISPR]

I think I can relate. Could it also be the amount of sudden (constructive) change that feels overwhelming? Official place to stay plus a new job. I get overwhelmed anytime there's a major change (new job, new place, new trip, etc). I also over-worry about anything resembling a background check even though I have no reason to - I just feel like there's got to be some reason to reject me. Once you get through this ok, maybe you'll feel a little better.

I hadn’t really looked at it that way but even my friend that I live with mentioned to me that I could be feeling a combination of all of these big changes. I appreciate you offering this perspective. I also have the same anxiety about background checks even though I don’t have anything that terrible, I still have a lot of small misdemeanor stuff that still looks like I’m some dumb risky irresponsible trouble maker. It’s fear of confrontation and rejection mostly.

 

[ChrisCRISPR]

I am glad things worked out, but your reaction isn't unusual. Anything that comes from left field to interrupt things in our lives, or plans for the day can be hard to deal with.

However, like you found out. Nothing is as bad as it seems.

Though I do still have a good number of days where something happens that, in my head, throws the whole day off. Though alot of it is how I have myself psychologically wired too, which I am try to fix.

May I ask what ways or techniques you have found to work on the things in which you are psychologically wired? I have things like that I’d like to fix very much as well.

 

[Xinyta]

@ChrisCRISPR

Firstly, something I found out today is that I have more control than I realize. That in a way, subconsciously, I make the choice to allow overwhelm to happen. And make hasty responses like "I guess I am just stupid" or "I can't do it then!". But in reality I have only allowed negativity, built up over the years, to program and control how I respond and funtion.

Think of it like computer programming. If 'X' thing happens, go to 'X' response or run 'X' program.

Secondly. Because emotions will play a factor too, your first response also has emotions attached that are also going to be negative. Anger, sadness, etc. It takes recognizing those emotions and letting them pass. If you hold on to them, you only end up wrecking yourself.

Actually, I know of another video that talks about that very thing.

 

[ChrisCRISPR]

@ChrisCRISPR

Firstly, something I found out today is that I have more control than I realize. That in a way, subconsciously, I make the choice to allow overwhelm to happen. And make hasty responses like "I guess I am just stupid" or "I can't do it then!". But in reality I have only allowed negativity, built up over the years, to program and control how I respond and funtion.

Think of it like computer programming. If 'X' thing happens, go to 'X' response or run 'X' program.

Secondly. Because emotions will play a factor too, your first response also has emotions attached that are also going to be negative. Anger, sadness, etc. It takes recognizing those emotions and letting them pass. If you hold on to them, you only end up wrecking yourself.

Actually, I know of another video that talks about that very thing.

Thank you so much for sharing this I’m about to go watch the video right now! This sounds like just what I’ve been looking for to help me out of these cycles. I appreciate you sending this to me!