This makes me angry

[BirdsNest]

The 5 (And Only 5) Reasons You Haven’t Found Love Yet

Posts and blogs like that make me really cross.

They talk like this:

"Are you putting up with bad treatment because you want to fill a void of low self esteem?"

When I'm like:

How can I tell the difference between that, and the bog-standard loneliness that I am told it also normal when you don't have a partner, when you want one?!

Quote from article:

"A successful relationship comes down to two things: the right person at the right time. The first thing that’s important to remember when it comes to relationships is that in general, like attracts like. That is, what you are or think you are is what you will attract."


Either its 'the right person at the right time' aka totally random
OR
there is something inherently wrong with YOU. "And you need to do some INNER WORK" to figure this out and find a partner for you. What is this inner work they're going on about anyway??!

I'm sure these articles are just designed to make people feel bad about themselves.

 

[kay]

I couldn't get it to come up because of some security issue or something. I find relationship articles are pretty silly and need to be ignored. Read one a few years ago about the seven stages all relationships go through. Still waiting and long past the deadline they set. And so have most the couples I know. The articles are there to get us to read them so the website can make money. There is generally no reality in what they write, just made up nonsense mostly. Someday I think I should try writing some silly list of 5 and 10 this or that's that always this or that. Could be fun.

 

[BirdsNest]

I feel like I'm told to be myself, but also make an effort. To relax but to think about every social interaction in detail to make sure I do the right thing next. (but you cant do the wrong thing with the right person.)
That if you try to hard that is offputting but if you don't try hard enough you come off as unavailable and aloof and people don't like that.

In short it feels like they tell me to turn left and right at the same time. Or something equally stupid.

I mean wtf wtf wtf. I really wish I had somebody.
At an age where loads of people I know are getting married or engaged.
I'm alone. I dont know how other people manage to meet other people so easily. Its always been a mystery to me. There is a magic trick I am missing.
I'm alone and these articles make me so frustrated I want to cry. Its really that bad for me.

 

[AO1501]

Articles like that are nothing but an opinion dressed up as psychological expertise. They aren't meaningless, but they address a malaise that those who are lost are intended to find solace and direction from. They tell you nothing you don't already know.

For example, there is nothing inherently wrong with you, and you know that, but if you're looking for a partner and can't find one, they promise wisdom that if you follow the guidance, will get you one. Will it work? No. At least not because you follow the guidance, but because perhaps there is something in how you see yourself that leads to you disliking yourself - which you would then tend to project towards potential partners, causing them to sense that you aren't for them.

The 'inner work' therefore is nothing more than to consider, in this case, why you don't have a partner when you want one - a question that must get asked a million times a day. Everyone's answer is different, but it isn't about finding someone the same, it is about knowing yourself well enough to know what you want in, and from, someone else, and then putting yourself in a position where you can meet people who fit what you want, or indeed, meet people at all.

For me that would be tough because I have no means to reach out to people even if I meet them, but if I wanted a partner, I know that I would want someone intelligent, capable, and safe. And someone capable of surviving my cooking. Being able to walk, talk, hold meaningful conversations (and survive my cooking) are my needs from a partner, and I'd try and find places people like that might be found in semi-social circumstances, and hope someone notices me and comes over to talk. Or, I'd sign up on a dating site and hope to find someone who meets my requirements that way....that would probably be easy, because I'm hopeless is social situations.

 

[Metalhead]

Articles like this prey upon the lonely for their clicks. While being in a relationship is certainly not a cure all for anybody, these articles present an unrealistic one size fits all mentality that does more harm than good. Relationships are far more complicated than what this article lets on. What is healthy for one person will devastate another, and so on.

 

[BirdsNest]

For example, there is nothing inherently wrong with you, and you know that, but if you're looking for a partner and can't find one, they promise wisdom that if you follow the guidance, will get you one. Will it work? No. At least not because you follow the guidance, but because perhaps there is something in how you see yourself that leads to you disliking yourself - which you would then tend to project towards potential partners, causing them to sense that you aren't for them.

Sorry I litreally can only follow half of what you say here. up to 'will it work? no' it makes sense. after that, im lost.

The 'inner work' therefore is nothing more than to consider, in this case, why you don't have a partner when you want one - a question that must get asked a million times a day. Everyone's answer is different, but it isn't about finding someone the same, it is about knowing yourself well enough to know what you want in, and from, someone else, and then putting yourself in a position where you can meet people who fit what you want, or indeed, meet people at all.

I don't know what I want. (Beyond someone who I get along with and can hang out with.)
Someone who takes care of me and isn't a lying/neglectful partner like my ex.
I don't know why I can't find a partner. Sex is easy, a meaningful partner is not.
Some people find it really easy and I don't understand how or why.

I talked about this in threapy but my threapist just made me feel bad about myself. I don't think she understands AS. I stopped seeing her.

 

[kay]

I talked about this in threapy but my threapist just made me feel bad about myself. I don't think she understands AS. I stopped seeing her.[/QUOTE]

Most therapist are like that. I generally feel worse after I try therapy than before. No longer qualify for the $10 scale pay therapy and I think that is maybe a good thing.

 

[Metalhead]

I talked about this in threapy but my threapist just made me feel bad about myself. I don't think she understands AS. I stopped seeing her.

Most therapist are like that. I generally feel worse after I try therapy than before. No longer qualify for the $10 scale pay therapy and I think that is maybe a good thing.[/QUOTE]

Well, I will agree, many therapists do not know what they are doing. But I will amend to that sentiment by saying that having a therapist who does know what he is doing can make a massive difference for the better. I went through a few therapists before I found my current one, who is a godsend.

Like relationships, some forms and methods of therapy work well for some people while devastating others. The field of therapists is sadly a lot more of a minefield than it really needs to be.

 

[BirdsNest]

Thanks for the support both of you.

It is appreciated but I still feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.

 

[AO1501]

Sorry I litreally can only follow half of what you say here. up to 'will it work? no' it makes sense. after that, im lost.

Sorry, my fault. I mean that often the reason we struggle to find what we want, is because of ourselves. That sounds nonsense but it isn't. If you are confused about what you want in a partner, for example, potential partners may see that and believe that they aren't what you are looking for.

I don't know what I want. (Beyond someone who I get along with and can hang out with.)
Someone who takes care of me and isn't a lying/neglectful partner like my ex.
I don't know why I can't find a partner. Sex is easy, a meaningful partner is not.
Some people find it really easy and I don't understand how or why.

I talked about this in threapy but my threapist just made me feel bad about myself. I don't think she understands AS. I stopped seeing her.

Some people do find it easy, and I have seen that too. I get a bit envious, but then I'm not good socially and I'm 'face blind' so even if I met someone I liked, I wouldn't know them if I met them again. But your description of someone you can get along with, hang out with, takes care of you and isn't neglectful is a good start. Are there things you'd like your partner to be interested in? Things you like to do that you'd like them to be OK with? That's the kind of question that might help you decide where you'd most likely meet people who fit.

If you're not sure, then why not join a site like OK Cupid (I think that's free, but if not there are others), write yourself a brief profile to describe yourself, and see what happens.

 

[Grandmother B]

I feel like I'm told to be myself, but also make an effort. To relax but to think about every social interaction in detail to make sure I do the right thing next. (but you cant do the wrong thing with the right person.)
That if you try to hard that is offputting but if you don't try hard enough you come off as unavailable and aloof and people don't like that.

In short it feels like they tell me to turn left and right at the same time. Or something equally stupid.

I mean wtf wtf wtf. I really wish I had somebody.
At an age where loads of people I know are getting married or engaged.
I'm alone. I dont know how other people manage to meet other people so easily. Its always been a mystery to me. There is a magic trick I am missing.
I'm alone and these articles make me so frustrated I want to cry. Its really that bad for me.

When you meet the right person, it won't be WORK. And it's not easy for other people either, that is, to meet someone worth dating. These articles are mostly written by people who are not experts, and only can say what worked for them. I don't know if you are religious; if you are, pray to be led to the right person for you. If you are not, just try to treat others like you want to be treated. There is someone out there! Best of luck to you. I know this is not much help, but it's all I've got.

 

[Major Tom]

I couldn't get it to come up because of some security issue or something. I find relationship articles are pretty silly and need to be ignored. Read one a few years ago about the seven stages all relationships go through. Still waiting and long past the deadline they set. And so have most the couples I know. The articles are there to get us to read them so the website can make money. There is generally no reality in what they write, just made up nonsense mostly. Someday I think I should try writing some silly list of 5 and 10 this or that's that always this or that. Could be fun.

Sounds like about 99% of what's on Facebook and much of what we see on the news..

 

[Wendigo20]

I feel like I'm told to be myself, but also make an effort. To relax but to think about every social interaction in detail to make sure I do the right thing next. (but you cant do the wrong thing with the right person.)
That if you try to hard that is offputting but if you don't try hard enough you come off as unavailable and aloof and people don't like that.

In short it feels like they tell me to turn left and right at the same time. Or something equally stupid.

I mean wtf wtf wtf. I really wish I had somebody.
At an age where loads of people I know are getting married or engaged.
I'm alone. I dont know how other people manage to meet other people so easily. Its always been a mystery to me. There is a magic trick I am missing.
I'm alone and these articles make me so frustrated I want to cry. Its really that bad for me.

I hear what your saying and fully agree it makes me mad to see all this Bull carp that just condensen its self , all I want is to find the one i can relate with as well but its also been hard time trying to find it as well

 

[Rich Gray]

People meet people wherever people are.

It is likely to meet people that are like you in some ways as people tend to run in similar circles. Religion X people will likely find religion X people to date, for example.

It is likely to find a partner that you find interesting that is different enough from you biologically to have pleasant pheromone sent.

It is likely to find a partner that you find interesting that compliments your skill-set. Specialization is a powerfully useful tool.

 

[Mary Anne]

I don't know what I want. (Beyond someone who I get along with and can hang out with.)
Someone who takes care of me and isn't a lying/neglectful partner like my ex.
I don't know why I can't find a partner. Sex is easy, a meaningful partner is not.

When a person is so lonely and desperate, it shows. It makes all others run away! It’s inly when we are not desperate, that people come around. Also, please stop comparing yourself to others lives.

Many people get married and have children. Many people don’t. Many people do all sorts of things at different stages in life. There is not one set of directions or rules for any of us to follow. Don’t let yourself be duped into thinking that you must follow what some peo0le are doing.

I also want you to think REALLY Hard about “Wanting someone to take care of me.” I thought in this modern day, that as adults, we all should learn to take care of ourselves. Once you can successfully do that, maybe your new found confidence will show, and others will feel better towards having a relationship with you. Otherwise, you might be coming off as way too desperate and “Needy.” That is a relationship killer, unless someone comes along to control and dictate your life (very unhealthy relationship).

 

[BirdsNest]

When a person is so lonely and desperate, it shows. It makes all others run away! It’s inly when we are not desperate, that people come around. Also, please stop comparing yourself to others lives.

...

I also want you to think REALLY Hard about “Wanting someone to take care of me.” I thought in this modern day, that as adults, we all should learn to take care of ourselves. Once you can successfully do that, maybe your new found confidence will show, and others will feel better towards having a relationship with you. Otherwise, you might be coming off as way too desperate and “Needy.” That is a relationship killer, unless someone comes along to control and dictate your life (very unhealthy relationship).

Firstly; thanks for the suggestion that I am lonely and desperate and then the suggestion I improve my self confidence. Nothing like hurling some ideas like that to knock a person down, before offering them a 'helping hand' back up... this is the kind dating advice that infuriates me. It is not helpful.

RE: 'Wanting someone to take care of me'.
Yeah, the opposite of my ex- because my Ex did nothing to help me when I was in hospital (he came to visit me for 20 minutes after I asked him to visit me. I was in hospital for a week. He did not visit me after I was out, he was always 'too busy'.)
When I got evicted from my house he offered no emotional or practical support, when I needed anything...I rarely got any sympathy or emotional support. I had to go through it all alone.

Correct me if I am I thought that wanting a bit of TLC from your partner was totally normal and partially why we have partners?? In fact all of my friends who are in HAPPY LONG TERM relationships are with someone who TAKES CARE of them. In fact they went out LOOKING for someone who was nice to them and took care of them, looking for a guy who didn't just 'take care of himself'.

I've also read lots of psychology studies to the contrary- that you invest in people who you give things to. In your world where we all pretend we are islands and looking 'after ourselves'.... where is the space to let another person in???

I don't know what is wrong with being lonely, per say. Seems like a normal human reaction if you want a partner but haven't had one in a long time, dont you think?!

RE: Being 'needy'.
For the most part, friends describe me as very independent. Always have done. To be honest sometimes I think my problem is the opposite from being needy- that I am far too independent and used to my own space. That I struggle to communicate emotionally so come off as aloof or deeply sarcastic in a way that makes people uncomfortable.

 

[Mary Anne]

Firstly; thanks for the suggestion that I am lonely and desperate and then the suggestion I improve my self confidence. Nothing like hurling some ideas like that to knock a person down, before offering them a 'helping hand' back up... this is the kind dating advice that infuriates me. It is not helpful.

RE: 'Wanting someone to take care of me'.
Yeah, the opposite of my ex- because my Ex did nothing to help me when I was in hospital (he came to visit me for 20 minutes after I asked him to visit me. I was in hospital for a week. He did not visit me after I was out, he was always 'too busy'.)
When I got evicted from my house he offered no emotional or practical support, when I needed anything...I rarely got any sympathy or emotional support. I had to go through it all alone.

Correct me if I am I thought that wanting a bit of TLC from your partner was totally normal and partially why we have partners?? In fact all of my friends who are in HAPPY LONG TERM relationships are with someone who TAKES CARE of them. In fact they went out LOOKING for someone who was nice to them and took care of them, looking for a guy who didn't just 'take care of himself'.

I've also read lots of psychology studies to the contrary- that you invest in people who you give things to. In your world where we all pretend we are islands and looking 'after ourselves'.... where is the space to let another person in???

I don't know what is wrong with being lonely, per say. Seems like a normal human reaction if you want a partner but haven't had one in a long time, dont you think?!

RE: Being 'needy'.
For the most part, friends describe me as very independent. Always have done. To be honest sometimes I think my problem is the opposite from being needy- that I am far too independent and used to my own space. That I struggle to communicate emotionally so come off as aloof or deeply sarcastic in a way that makes people uncomfortable.

———-
Sorry if you mistake my tone for anything but help. I was not “hurling” anything at you. I was trying to help as you asked for it. You had not explained your circumstances- only wanting “to be taken care of.” - There ARE many who DO NOT want a relationship of equality, but to indeed “be taken care of”- financially being the first, and emotional dependence upon the one taking care of them. One gives up all independence to be taken care of- as in the man makes all desicions, makes all the money, and takes all responsibility. It’s shocking to see how women especially can fall into this type of relationship.

There are several ways relationships like that can become unhealthy. That is what people usually mean with that term. I understand NOW what YOU meant after you explained it. You just want a loving heathy deep relationship...which is different than what I thought. You did not have to get all defensive at me, but could just explained what you meant. I am not a mind reader.

You did say how “lonely” you were- I quoted you. I did not say being lonely is bad.

People desparate for relationships can come off as needy and thus, often that will repel potential relationships from happening. The more you want it, the more it evades you. The more we compare what we don’t have to those who have “ it”- the more miserable we become. The more loss we feel.

 

[Theta.G]

It's all based on her own personal perspective, no studying or research involved. Even if that was the case relationships and compatibility are so diverse that it's a pointless endeavor to adhere to so called love experts.

"I personally experienced the most growth and self-awareness during my years as a single girl"
If there are links to studies in the article it was placed in an attempt to add credibility to her words.
These people have profound realizations that, well... aren't so profound. "Omg so you flick this little plastic thingie and the light turns on?! waaoowww"

Not going to read it all it's a lot like what you find in a trashy magazine. Or a tv show where the female lead constantly goes into a line of thought that are "i, my me, love triangle this and that".

2 is correct though. And that's only correct for the girls who have celebrity like standards in the guys they seek. These women base their value solely on their own aesthetics or social standing. (Which is disgustingly common in pretty shell types) This Alexis did, as already shown with this being based on her personal experience. Those who expect to have it all instead of growing together with their man to become it all.

I don't seek a woman who is beautiful, sweet, loyal, healthy, rich and highly intelligent (but not devious). That doesn't exist on it's own. It's a unicorn a creature of myth. A delusion usually imposed by "love at first sight" the first few months of a relationship.
If i were on the market now would look for a woman who has good values and potential. A face i'd like to wake up next to every morning. From there if we work together she would become healthier, sweeter, rich and smarter. In turn i would also improve from the partnership. Then we would become those creatures of myth. Or at least close to it.

Problem is even many decent lookers want it all in one package from the get go. In the west at least. This is less common in Europe where beauty is more standardized and not a commodity.

Anyway back to the article. Skimming through. "5 and only 5" There are 6...
In the the sixth she talks about the subconscious and clearly knows nothing about it. Got her definition from a quick google search. I'm mediocre at many things but 1 thing i am an expert on is the subconscious mind. It does (and can) operate from a place of logic and reason. She lacks the ability to see cause and effects. She sees herself as the conscious mind and since she doesn't understand it quickly subconscious answers become "must be useless". Even though the subconscious mind is much more powerful and accurate than the conscious "i am" mind. The logic and reason the subcon offers is far above what the conscious mind of the uninitiated can comprehend. This is clearly displayed in her own writings. While emotions are a small component of the subconscious mind it isn't just that. It's much bigger. Yet she assumes it's just emotions because, well... google.

checking out the Amazon link to her book.
https://www.amazon.com/Everything-N...ZFXM/?&_encoding=UTF8&tag=books-experiment-20

So... this woman who based everything on personal experience, doesn't understand the subconscious mind, and had celebrity syndrome knows "10 Things Every Woman Needs To Know About Men"... makes me laugh. It's probably something incredibly basic that works for everyone. Sex. Food. Care. Sleep. lesser minded men gobble it up.

What i see here is a woman giving false hope to women looking for love while making a profit. Bringing nothing new to the table. Her skills revolve around sales. Sadly, the lesser minded women will eat it up. If you're a good salesmen you could sell dung to a majority of the population. Which is what this is. "Oh wow she used big words like subconscious! Must know what shes talking about" ... smh.

 

[BirdsNest]

———-
Sorry if you mistake my tone for anything but help. I was not “hurling” anything at you. I was trying to help as you asked for it. You had not explained your circumstances- only wanting “to be taken care of.” - There ARE many who DO NOT want a relationship of equality, but to indeed “be taken care of”- financially being the first, and emotional dependence upon the one taking care of them. One gives up all independence to be taken care of- as in the man makes all desicions, makes all the money, and takes all responsibility. It’s shocking to see how women especially can fall into this type of relationship.

There are several ways relationships like that can become unhealthy. That is what people usually mean with that term. I understand NOW what YOU meant after you explained it. You just want a loving heathy deep relationship...which is different than what I thought. You did not have to get all defensive at me, but could just explained what you meant. I am not a mind reader.

You did say how “lonely” you were- I quoted you. I did not say being lonely is bad.

People desparate for relationships can come off as needy and thus, often that will repel potential relationships from happening. The more you want it, the more it evades you. The more we compare what we don’t have to those who have “ it”- the more miserable we become. The more loss we feel.

Ok and sorry for getting riled up. This is a sore point for me.

TBH can't imagine anything worse then relying on my partner for my sole income- too stressful for them, and me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too independent, I don't often meet people who I think might be worth giving up my independence and routine for. But I still really want someone to share my life with. So when I do meet someone where it clicks for me, my anxiety levels get quite high.

Sometimes I wonder if I intimidate guys because I'm reasonably successful in a challenging job in the creative arts, I'm super smart, often pretty busy, very direct, sometimes unintentionally rude, sarcastic. I do sports as my hobby so am in good shape. What they don't see is the crippling social anxiety that comes with having a mild case of AS. Needing to leave social situations because I'm having a meltdown is seen as leaving because I am not interested. (And actions speak louder than words- right?)

However I have problems recognizing (and then building) what might be a longer-term relationship. I don't know how to gauge level of interest very well: hookup vs longer term. I often get lumped into the 'hookup only' category. The occasional hookup is fine -and probably good to keep my sex drive at bay so I don't rush into things with someone I really like just because I haven't had sex in ages.

Phone calls and texting make me very anxious in the early stages of dating, to the point where tolerating the uncertainty of the situation becomes very difficult. I take a direct approach and am often unafraid to ask out men- but I get told by a lot of people that this isn't a good thing to do. But if I don't ask, I actually don't get dates. Apart from 1 guy, I've asked out everyone I've dated in the past 4 years.

At my age, lots of my mates are starting to settle down a bit. I used to get invited out more, we used to arrange big trips away together. This is happening less and less now. I have nobody to go on holiday with, and I have serious issues with fatigue so am wary of traveling alone. (Sometimes I get so tired I am sick, its a hangover from a serious accident where I was lucky to walk away with my life.) I dont want to be in my 40's and living in a houseshare, growing old alone. I want someone so when we are older we can look back on our lives and our adventures together.

So, to go back to my original post - at the start of this thread- I (used to) read dating advice to try and figure out where I am going wrong, if I can do anything better... because so many others do not seem to find relationships as elusive as me... where am I going wrong?

However the ******** that gets written about frustrates me to the point of tears. It seems to me a case of giving with one hand and taking with another - subtly cutting people down while professing to help. Lots of contradictory advice that is based upon a very particular set of circumstances - all embedded in a language of emotions that I literally do not understand. It is like reading another language.

 

[Mary Anne]

Ok and sorry for getting riled up. This is a sore point for me.

TBH can't imagine anything worse then relying on my partner for my sole income- too stressful for them, and me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too independent, I don't often meet people who I think might be worth giving up my independence and routine for. But I still really want someone to share my life with. So when I do meet someone where it clicks for me, my anxiety levels get quite high.

Sometimes I wonder if I intimidate guys because I'm reasonably successful in a challenging job in the creative arts, I'm super smart, often pretty busy, very direct, sometimes unintentionally rude, sarcastic. I do sports as my hobby so am in good shape. What they don't see is the crippling social anxiety that comes with having a mild case of AS. Needing to leave social situations because I'm having a meltdown is seen as leaving because I am not interested. (And actions speak louder than words- right?)

However I have problems recognizing (and then building) what might be a longer-term relationship. I don't know how to gauge level of interest very well: hookup vs longer term. I often get lumped into the 'hookup only' category. The occasional hookup is fine -and probably good to keep my sex drive at bay so I don't rush into things with someone I really like just because I haven't had sex in ages.

Phone calls and texting make me very anxious in the early stages of dating, to the point where tolerating the uncertainty of the situation becomes very difficult. I take a direct approach and am often unafraid to ask out men- but I get told by a lot of people that this isn't a good thing to do. But if I don't ask, I actually don't get dates. Apart from 1 guy, I've asked out everyone I've dated in the past 4 years.

At my age, lots of my mates are starting to settle down a bit. I used to get invited out more, we used to arrange big trips away together. This is happening less and less now. I have nobody to go on holiday with, and I have serious issues with fatigue so am wary of traveling alone. (Sometimes I get so tired I am sick, its a hangover from a serious accident where I was lucky to walk away with my life.) I dont want to be in my 40's and living in a houseshare, growing old alone. I want someone so when we are older we can look back on our lives and our adventures together.

So, to go back to my original post - at the start of this thread- I (used to) read dating advice to try and figure out where I am going wrong, if I can do anything better... because so many others do not seem to find relationships as elusive as me... where am I going wrong?

However the ******** that gets written about frustrates me to the point of tears. It seems to me a case of giving with one hand and taking with another - subtly cutting people down while professing to help. Lots of contradictory advice that is based upon a very particular set of circumstances - all embedded in a language of emotions that I literally do not understand. It is like reading another language.

You sound so much like me. I once had a illustration / graphic design career, and had all the same issues you speak of. Except that I never wanted kids, or to be married. Never once have I ever wanted that. Never regretted it.

I decided I did need to be alone, after getting sober, and realizing I had many addictions in addition to alcohol and sex. So I stayed alone, and until I got into my sixties, and have disabling back issues, I did not long for someone in old age. It is nice when you are old and feeble to have a companion, who can cook you a meal or go out and get you meds when you are recooperating. It is nice to have companionship. But I work in jobs with people, and it’s exhausting. Very nice to live in peace and quiet alone with cats. I miss sex, but know better than to start that “beast” up again.