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this man AS puts me at peace...seeking knowledge

A

alillostntdp

New Member
I am a NT female who recently reconnected with a childhood friend, he was diagnosed AS in adulthood, says he tested above borderline...we are enjoying reconnecting and creating a meaningful friendship, I cannot describe the peace he gives me, in conversation, with eye contact, his straight forward, no-hidden-meaning way of speaking...the way he answers fired off question after question as we get to know each other again...it is such a comfort. Of course we are reaching a point where we begin to see differences and I am out here seeking ways to connect or ways to understand him or to ... oh my goodness, I am an INFJ, empath, emotive, heart on my sleeve female, but along these forty some years I have had to handle my own struggles and pick myself up and I am a leader in my family of very strong independent women so I have developed a sense of self and I can exist on my own, I know that this AS-NT relationship will be unlike anything I have ever walked but I am so willing to learn and explore right now because of the peace and calm and ease this man brings to me and the deep concern I feel from him...any input helps, I am a reader, a researcher, a lifelong learner, I am open to criticism and care...have at me, please❤️
 
welcome.png
 
alillostntdp said:
I am open to criticism and care...have at me, please
Click to expand...

Just don't say that to him. He may be a varlot.

Or make sure you're ready for a misinterpretation :)

Welcome to the site, with the occasional varlot and ragamuffin but mainly misunderstood knights and fierce hearted damsels....
 
welcome !!!!read everything you can about male Aspergers syndrome !!!!!!as we just do not have the ability to tell you everything at once! !!!!!!I am female so it is slightly different for me.
I will never have a relationship like you are thinking about it is too complex for me .
go to the search box on the forum and put in NT AS relationships it will be an education
 
Walk away. You will become frustrated and bitter in time. Have dinner once per month or something. This is only my opinion. BTW welcome to the site. If you decide to not walk away, you should find this site extremely helpful.
 
I would second the advice that you should read everything you can on Asperger's Syndrome, and it may also help to extend that into books on Autism as a whole.

Bear in mind that the difference is in our neurology, so it impacts almost every aspect of the way we see things, think, perceive and respond, so understanding us could be rather challenging without some knowledge of what the neurological differences mean in practical terms.

Some of us, for example, are very sensitive to touch. Light touch can actually be painful, which can cause serious problems in relationships if you express your feelings by touch, and get what you perceive to be rejection because your partner shies away from it, or reacts as if your touch has hurt. We also need time alone - down time - which isn't a reflection on the relationship and how we feel, but is a reaction to being overloaded by stress which can come from a myriad of tiny sources others may not even notice. I, for example, can hear incandescent light bulbs. They make sizzling and ticking noises that drive me crazy. I can usually ignore them, but if there are other sensory stimuli too, can make me very irritable, and my wife invariably assumed I was irritated with her because to her knowledge, there was nothing but her that could cause my reaction. When she switched on too many lights, the stress would get to me and I'd try and find somewhere quiet to decompress. She assumed I was trying to get away from her, and was resentful.

Communication is the key. Most people with AS will speak very directly and say what they mean - don't try and read between the lines, because there isn't anything there. Likewise, they will listen to what they are told and believe that what is meant is precisely what the words say, nothing else.

We can seem very cold and lacking in emotion and empathy, but we're not, we just don't present it the way you might expect or correctly interpret, so when you find yourself hurt by something your AS partner has said and done, instead of your instinctive reaction to push back or to feel wronged, try and think what could have gone wrong in the translation of words and deeds across the AS/NT boundary. Most hurt is a misunderstanding or misinterpretation, not intended.... but I think that's true in most relationships.

And don't believe that an AS/NT relationship can't work because they can and they do. They just need working on, and the work isn't quite the same as needed on NT/NT relationships.
 
Welcome to Aspies Center. My wife is a NT and I am a Aspie. We have been married long enough to have great-grandchildren, so it can work. Like any other relationship, both of you have to work at it.
 
AO1501 said:
I would second the advice that you should read everything you can on Asperger's Syndrome, and it may also help to extend that into books on Autism as a whole.

Bear in mind that the difference is in our neurology, so it impacts almost every aspect of the way we see things, think, perceive and respond, so understanding us could be rather challenging without some knowledge of what the neurological differences mean in practical terms.

Some of us, for example, are very sensitive to touch. Light touch can actually be painful, which can cause serious problems in relationships if you express your feelings by touch, and get what you perceive to be rejection because your partner shies away from it, or reacts as if your touch has hurt. We also need time alone - down time - which isn't a reflection on the relationship and how we feel, but is a reaction to being overloaded by stress which can come from a myriad of tiny sources others may not even notice. I, for example, can hear incandescent light bulbs. They make sizzling and ticking noises that drive me crazy. I can usually ignore them, but if there are other sensory stimuli too, can make me very irritable, and my wife invariably assumed I was irritated with her because to her knowledge, there was nothing but her that could cause my reaction. When she switched on too many lights, the stress would get to me and I'd try and find somewhere quiet to decompress. She assumed I was trying to get away from her, and was resentful.

Communication is the key. Most people with AS will speak very directly and say what they mean - don't try and read between the lines, because there isn't anything there. Likewise, they will listen to what they are told and believe that what is meant is precisely what the words say, nothing else.

We can seem very cold and lacking in emotion and empathy, but we're not, we just don't present it the way you might expect or correctly interpret, so when you find yourself hurt by something your AS partner has said and done, instead of your instinctive reaction to push back or to feel wronged, try and think what could have gone wrong in the translation of words and deeds across the AS/NT boundary. Most hurt is a misunderstanding or misinterpretation, not intended.... but I think that's true in most relationships.

And don't believe that an AS/NT relationship can't work because they can and they do. They just need working on, and the work isn't quite the same as needed on NT/NT relationships.
Click to expand...

You cannot imagine how encouraging this is, thanks for taking the time with this reply...I am just starting out on a knowledge seeking journey but just hearing this little bit helps...I believe it helps that I am an introvert and value my own recharge, quiet time and we can separate and do our own thing and at this stage, also being fiercely independent, we need our own space.
 
Streetwise said:
welcome !!!!read everything you can about male Aspergers syndrome !!!!!!as we just do not have the ability to tell you everything at once! !!!!!!I am female so it is slightly different for me.
I will never have a relationship like you are thinking about it is too complex for me .
go to the search box on the forum and put in NT AS relationships it will be an education
Click to expand...

Thanks for the tip on the search box on forum, I am still learning to navigate this site, I am entirely new to forums and chat rooms and yes, I know how absurd that sounds
 
George Newman said:
Walk away. You will become frustrated and bitter in time. Have dinner once per month or something. This is only my opinion. BTW welcome to the site. If you decide to not walk away, you should find this site extremely helpful.
Click to expand...

oh George, you are scaring me...does it help that I am tough? Like incredibly so...
 
alillostntdp said:
Thanks for the tip on the search box on forum, I am still learning to navigate this site, I am entirely new to forums and chat rooms and yes, I know how absurd that sounds
Click to expand...
no doesn't sound absurd! I was absolutely terrified to become a member of a forum !just so you get an idea that not everybody on here works for Apple or designs computers! I was a member here six months before I realised there was an inbox and private messages !someone had sent me a message six months before so they had waited six months!
it's took me a year to realise there are smileys and emoticons !!!????if you want to post a message !and you can change the size of the text ?!!!and the colour of the text??!!! it is mindnumbing to me !!!!!when I left school in the mid 80s computers were just introduced into schools !all you could see were green letters or green numbers !and you have to program everything onto a floppy disk! needless to say it was another language I couldn't understand , I didn't own a computer til 30 years later ,still slightly overwhelmed by the computers at the library .
 
Fridgemagnetman said:
Lol George, don't mess around :)
Like it.
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I don’t want to come across as insensitive or just too stern but it does no good for me to type a bunch of impathetic words that don’t help. Not that this is what others are doing but hey sometimes someone needs to make a decision. Honestly, if walking away isn’t the answer then it better be true love. I think it helps to be blunt sometimes but I share with a sincere perspective. I mean well.
 
George Newman said:
I don’t want to come across as insensitive or just too stern but it does no good for me to type a bunch of impathetic words that don’t help. Not that this is what others are doing but hey sometimes someone needs to make a decision. Honestly, if walking away isn’t the answer then it better be true love. I think it helps to be blunt sometimes but I share with a sincere perspective. I mean well.
Click to expand...

I know George. What your saying makes perfectly logical sense, except how do I know it’s true love if I don’t explore it a bit further and to do so I need to understand how to communicate better with him. Yes, as tough as I am, I have all the bleeding heart characteristics of an empath, one who has only known how to fight and survive in chaos...until Mr. AS steps in and says “maybe you just don’t know how to live in peace yet.” I don’t know, maybe I owe it to myself to traipse just a bit further into education and give it a good try...I promise if you are right I will come back and tell you so.
 
AO1501 said:
I would second the advice that you should read everything you can on Asperger's Syndrome, and it may also help to extend that into books on Autism as a whole.

Bear in mind that the difference is in our neurology, so it impacts almost every aspect of the way we see things, think, perceive and respond, so understanding us could be rather challenging without some knowledge of what the neurological differences mean in practical terms.

Some of us, for example, are very sensitive to touch. Light touch can actually be painful, which can cause serious problems in relationships if you express your feelings by touch, and get what you perceive to be rejection because your partner shies away from it, or reacts as if your touch has hurt. We also need time alone - down time - which isn't a reflection on the relationship and how we feel, but is a reaction to being overloaded by stress which can come from a myriad of tiny sources others may not even notice. I, for example, can hear incandescent light bulbs. They make sizzling and ticking noises that drive me crazy. I can usually ignore them, but if there are other sensory stimuli too, can make me very irritable, and my wife invariably assumed I was irritated with her because to her knowledge, there was nothing but her that could cause my reaction. When she switched on too many lights, the stress would get to me and I'd try and find somewhere quiet to decompress. She assumed I was trying to get away from her, and was resentful.

Communication is the key. Most people with AS will speak very directly and say what they mean - don't try and read between the lines, because there isn't anything there. Likewise, they will listen to what they are told and believe that what is meant is precisely what the words say, nothing else.

We can seem very cold and lacking in emotion and empathy, but we're not, we just don't present it the way you might expect or correctly interpret, so when you find yourself hurt by something your AS partner has said and done, instead of your instinctive reaction to push back or to feel wronged, try and think what could have gone wrong in the translation of words and deeds across the AS/NT boundary. Most hurt is a misunderstanding or misinterpretation, not intended.... but I think that's true in most relationships.

And don't believe that an AS/NT relationship can't work because they can and they do. They just need working on, and the work isn't quite the same as needed on NT/NT relationships.
Click to expand...

AO1501
am I looking for expressions of love through actions rather than words? I think that is the first big difference I am noticing...I am a natural writer and lover of words and part of our communication is by text and I can pour myself out on to a page, which does not fair well for him at all...I have figured this out...we now video chat in the mornings which is better but still, words are not a grand expression of adoration for him...is this true in general?
 
alillostntdp said:
I know George. What your saying makes perfectly logical sense, except how do I know it’s true love if I don’t explore it a bit further and to do so I need to understand how to communicate better with him. Yes, as tough as I am, I have all the bleeding heart characteristics of an empath, one who has only known how to fight and survive in chaos...until Mr. AS steps in and says “maybe you just don’t know how to live in peace yet.” I don’t know, maybe I owe it to myself to traipse just a bit further into education and give it a good try...I promise if you are right I will come back and tell you so.
Click to expand...

I guess you do owe it to yourself to give it a good try. You don't have to tell me if it works out or not. I want the best for you and your friend. Give it all you got! Blessings and peace.
 
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