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people who say they don't want help

Is the medicine your boyfriend is refusing to take a separate issue to the eating issue, or is the medicine supposed to stimulate appetite or something? I am just asking for the sake of clarity?
 
I understand. I take antidepressants Prozac now at 60 mg use to be 20 mg and Seroquel twice a day 50 mg. I was off it for a while, but then I couldn't sleep. Then it started to improve but them being ostracized by women I begged to go back on it and higher Prozac.

I understand your BF side effects. I complained about the hyper of Prozac and the weight gain of Seroquel, but I couldn't take the lack of sleep and the anger. But I now don't think the medication is helping anymore.
 
velociraptor said:
Not me. Product of a single mom. I can cook, sew, crochet, knit and have no interest in "male" things like sports. Didn't make me popular in school as a kid, but works out okay as an adult.
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On an individual level yes, there are outliers. I myself am into baking and have been from a young age along with other feminine coded activities.

That does not mean that I did not catch hell from my peers. Males walk a much thinner line when it comes to gender expression. Women are allowed to wear pants, jeans, and present as more androgynous with very little in the way of backlash. But try doing something like painting your nails as a man and see the reaction you get.
 
blitzkrieg said:
Is the medicine your boyfriend is refusing to take a separate issue to the eating issue, or is the medicine supposed to stimulate appetite or something? I am just asking for the sake of clarity?
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no worries!

i was mentioning the medicine because he said him not having an appetite stems from anxiety. when i asked him if he takes any medicine he said he doesn’t because the side effects give him a racing heartbeat.
 
Masked Man said:
But try doing something like painting your nails as a man and see the reaction you get.
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I have a daughter, no sons. When she was little I let her put makeup on face and do my nails and then I posted pictures online because she was proud of her work. A bunch of the men on my contact list recoiled in horror and said they would never do that. My response generally ran along the lines of, "you're not much of a man if you're scared of a tube of lipstick." Which is true.
 
velociraptor said:
I have a daughter, no sons. When she was little I let her put makeup on face and do my nails and then I posted pictures online because she was proud of her work. A bunch of the men on my contact list recoiled in horror and said they would never do that. My response generally ran along the lines of, "you're not much of a man if you're scared of a tube of lipstick." Which is true.
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i love this. i agree! :)
 
velociraptor said:
I have a daughter, no sons. When she was little I let her put makeup on face and do my nails and then I posted pictures online because she was proud of her work. A bunch of the men on my contact list recoiled in horror and said they would never do that. My response generally ran along the lines of, "you're not much of a man if you're scared of a tube of lipstick." Which is true.
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Exactly. Anything coded as female is the worst thing in the world for, unfortunately, a lot of men. I think the problem I have is, how can anyone have a healthy relationship with another individual who embodies "the worst thing in the world?" It's too bad.

I'll get off my soapbox about this because I feel like I'm hijacking someone else's thread. :)
 
madisen622 said:
no worries!

i was mentioning the medicine because he said him not having an appetite stems from anxiety. when i asked him if he takes any medicine he said he doesn’t because the side effects give him a racing heartbeat.
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So, your boyfriend is supposed to take anti-anxiety medicine because the anxiety he experiences is making him abstain from food? That makes sense! :)
 
madisen622 said:
why is it most men i’ve known don’t want help with their problems? they just give up when one thing goes wrong?
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The rest of your OP makes sense, but this does not. You have a sample of one person behaving irrationally, and you have generalized to "most/all men are X".

Some of the responses to that were probably accurate, but they have no bearing at all on the real question. Unless perhaps you imagine we all have anorexia-like issues with food?

Your guy has a medical issue. Perhaps body, perhaps mind, perhaps both.

Feed yourself properly, but don't take responsibility for his illness (in the sense that you could be causing it or contributing to the problem).

* You should eat normally
* Offer him food when you eat, and if he doesn't eat it, discard or repurpose it without comment.
* Let him order in when he wants to eat. If it's food he "shouldn't" be eating, let it go - you may just have incompatible preferences, and this will help you find out.
* Help him get medical treatment (not talk therapy - if he's actually anorexic or something similar it's potentially very serious, and talking won't fix it)
 
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madisen622 said:
why is it most men i’ve known don’t want help with their problems? they just give up when one thing goes wrong?

my boyfriend is NEVER hungry. for context, he has REALLY bad anxiety. i’ve been hungry for hours. i asked him if he’s ever seen a therapist about it and he said no. we got into the conversation of him taking medicine, he’s been prescribed medicine he just won’t take it. i asked him if he would find an alternative medicine to help him because it gives him awful side effects and he said he didn’t want to. im fuming writing this down as i WANT to help him but he doesn’t want help. he said he doesn’t want to “rely on medicine for help” in which i said relying on medicine doesn’t make you weak if it works, i take four medications myself.

i guess im just asking for advice, should i just give up and wait until he gets a little hungry late at night or just find myself some food and eat in front of him at a restaurant? i’d feel bad but if that’s what it takes, so be it.
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i assume you and your BF are both in your 20s?
 
madisen622 said:
why is it most men i’ve known don’t want help with their problems?
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Maybe because most of the "help" being offered could be seen as intrusive, condescending, and/or downright ineffective by the people you were trying to help.

• Did they ask for your help? If not, then why intrude? Let them either work it out for themselves or wait for them to ask for your help.

• Did you "blame and shame" them for their problems? They may already know they screwed up, and they do not need to be reminded whose fault it is and how they should have done it better.

• Was your help really helpful? Telling a depressed person to "cheer up", for example, does not help them feel better. Neither does telling an angry person to "calm down", or a betrayed person to "get over it".

These is completely aside from the fact that most adult males may have figured out their own coping mechanisms -- ones that don't require any explaining on their part or help from other people.
 
Cryptid said:
These is completely aside from the fact that most adult males may have figured out their own coping mechanisms -- ones that don't require any explaining on their part or help from other people.
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Truth. When I say I don't want help I really do mean I don't want help. I know how to ask if I want it. When people think I need to talk something out they're not getting that what I really need is five hours in nature alone with a camera. That is what fixes me.
 
I can only speak for myself as a guy. I was never hungry from my late teens to early twenties. Too much anxiety made me feel nauseous. It was a chore to eat, and the more others made it an issue, I started fearing foods, which turned to vomiting episodes. I never considered meds as I am not into that stuff. If I could not figure out the difficulty on my own and resolve it naturally, as I felt I knew myself best and had the strength to deal with it, others and any treatment I felt would just either make matters worse or just serve as bandaids and not get to the root which only I could solve in my way, and at my time.

I just think many guys too are used to not relying on others for assistance, not only because as mentioned elsewhere they know society does not want to see that and any weakness perceived associated with that, as they are supposed to deal with it or else be labeled negatively and feel more rejected, but because guys often are genetically seen as more logical and less social and emotional and with more ability to solve and reason out difficulties without input, thus with less need for as much support, and as many tend to not worry as much about smaller, temporary or uncontrollable things. It is partly why the fewer guys here who are seen as complaining or who are seen as more negative and needy are not supported as much as women who vent, blame others and want assistance and such. Society tolerates the latter more, and members may perceive certain groups or gender as more wronged, sensitive or less able or more needier for more help.

In my case, I eventually was motivated to resolve the lack of hunger problem only after I knew what the issues were that were driving that, and after I hit rock bottom. Each person will be different though. They will likely either reach out when the time is right there, if not know what to do later after research or after many ideas and solutions are batted around in their head, to better things, if they sense the status quo is not sustainable. Sometimes, in other cases, the situation may not be as extreme as feared, with the phase being temporary, or with that other just wanting or needing to do things their way, even if like a very limited diet or more unique feeding pattern. Obviously if their energy is so bad to do much of anything, or weight loss extreme, then medical attention may be more warranted, for another to initiate that. I just am unsure if this is that case though.

The motivation to resolve or change anything has to come from within. We can give all the advice in the world, but if the other is rigid in their ways or in denial or is without a reasonable goal and plan or without the belief or energy to succeed, or if they do not wish to act, it will often take more time and further hardship for that person to start to consider helping themselves and accepting help. Sometimes love means trusting the other and taking a step back and letting the other do health-related things their way, and letting them take accountability for their own actions and/or inactions that leads to extra anxiety or difficulties. They are an adult and need to make important decisions for themselves to grow and learn those ways.
 
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