This past week my brother passed away from self harm

[SimplyWandering]

I come from an Orthodox Jewish family , I should preface this first , for if you are familiar with the process of shiva you might know the difficulties this entails (such as immediate burial, immense planning, and the process of sitting shiva.)

My brother took his life by way of self harm . He was 46 , a good 12 years older than myself.

He was an artist who’s life was reminiscent of Vincent Van Gogh (one of his favorite artists). He was troubled at times, yet immensely successful as scholar.

He suffered from depression/anxiety his whole life, while probably feeling different. Early on he was diagnosed with OCD and it is assumed he had Asperger’s/ASD due to his mannerism.

He had 2 kids whom he was estranged from and getting in touch with them will be difficult due to circumstances.

Now i find myself trying to figure out why he did what he did , pickup the pieces and try to move forward. I’m not sure what to think. There is anger and understanding at the same time.

Please, if you have lost a sibling or child , tell me what do I do to assist a parent or myself to move forward to a better place physically and mentally.

Thank you for reading.

 

[VictorR]

I just wanted to express my deepest sympathies and condolences to you and your loved ones at this difficult time.

I regret that I do not have any advice to offer other than to ensure that you take the time to take care of yourself first, since we can only be in a position to help others if we are okay ourselves first.

 

[Judge]

He suffered from depression/anxiety his whole life, while probably feeling different. Early on he was diagnosed with OCD and it is assumed he had Asperger’s/ASD due to his mannerism.

Tragic to hear. You have my condolences.

Equally difficult in considering that I possess the same conditions.

 

[Streetwise]

I come from an Orthodox Jewish family , I should preface this first , for if you are familiar with the process of shiva you might know the difficulties this entails (such as immediate burial, immense planning, and the process of sitting shiva.)

My brother took his life by way of self harm . He was 46 , a good 12 years older than myself.

He was an artist who’s life was reminiscent of Vincent Van Gogh (one of his favorite artists). He was troubled at times, yet immensely successful as scholar.

He suffered from depression/anxiety his whole life, while probably feeling different. Early on he was diagnosed with OCD and it is assumed he had Asperger’s/ASD due to his mannerism.

He had 2 kids whom he was estranged from and getting in touch with them will be difficult due to circumstances.

Now i find myself trying to figure out why he did what he did , pickup the pieces and try to move forward. I’m not sure what to think. There is anger and understanding at the same time.

Please, if you have lost a sibling or child , tell me what do I do to assist a parent or myself to move forward to a better place physically and mentally.

Thank you for reading.

First i wont say sorry, im more angry that society doesn't help the mentally ill ,secondly i've overdosed and im a christian zionist ,when you can no longer tolerate depression and therapies are not working for you specifically, death is looked upon as the answer ,not oh joy im going to die ,but wont be in the worst pain of all ,that being psychological pain ,at least sitting shiva means you aren't pretending that you can completely skip grief.
Children suffer terribly if a parent or sibling is mentally ill(personal experience of watching a relative who was really already dead ,suffered terrible therapies) ,jo koy comedian has a mentally ill sibling and talks openly about his siblings suffering .

 

[Streetwise]

I come from an Orthodox Jewish family , I should preface this first , for if you are familiar with the process of shiva you might know the difficulties this entails (such as immediate burial, immense planning, and the process of sitting shiva.)

My brother took his life by way of self harm . He was 46 , a good 12 years older than myself.

He was an artist who’s life was reminiscent of Vincent Van Gogh (one of his favorite artists). He was troubled at times, yet immensely successful as scholar.

He suffered from depression/anxiety his whole life, while probably feeling different. Early on he was diagnosed with OCD and it is assumed he had Asperger’s/ASD due to his mannerism.

He had 2 kids whom he was estranged from and getting in touch with them will be difficult due to circumstances.

Now i find myself trying to figure out why he did what he did , pickup the pieces and try to move forward. I’m not sure what to think. There is anger and understanding at the same time.

Please, if you have lost a sibling or child , tell me what do I do to assist a parent or myself to move forward to a better place physically and mentally.

Thank you for reading.

The best is do what you! do !,that wont hurt you to cope ,everyone is unique, i just suffered ,but i didnt experience at the time a sudden shock unlike you,i watched someone gradually be tortured by an evil wasting disease,shiva

 

[Nick12]

im so sorry i wish you a verry verry verry verry verry verry verry verry happy day filled with sunshine and rainbows

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

My sympathies. A friend's son committed suicide and the best I could do was to be there for the parents. They are very observant, so I sat shiva, went to the temple, and attended the burial. I think my presence was appreciated though I am an athiest.

 

[Rodafina]

There is anger and understanding at the same time.

It makes a lot of sense that you feel this way, and important that you can acknowledge both.

I have not lost a sibling, but I think I am that sibling. I was saved by paramedics and have been mad and sad and grateful ever since.

To many people in that situation, death is a way to be free. The ones who live on carry a heavy burden now, but he does not have to carry that any longer.

My heart is with you. This is very sad.

 

[Sunny1]

I am so sorry that this happened with your brother. It is common for the person grieving to feel that they were not enough. Not enough to live for, not there enough for them. Don't let your mind go there. You are enough, he was just in too much pain to recognize it or reach out to you. Enjoy your good memories and be comforted that he is no longer in pain. Condolences to the family, as well.

 

[Aspychata]

This hits hard. Some how he felt he would find freedom perhaps. Depression feels like a life sentence. Maybe you can think of all the memories you have of him, and send him love now. Sorry for your hurt and shock you are feeling.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

My condolences, I lost my older brother a couple of years ago, not sure what happened, suspect some sort of stroke, he had some mental health issues. His heart and liver live on, I really miss him, he was a fellow ASPIE, sort of like Sheldon of big bang theory

 

[Zhantera]

oh no! I'm so sorry my prayers for you and your family as you go through this.
I lost my kids several years back, and the best thing I can say is give it time. Take time for yourself, take time to slow down and allow quiet. Grieve when and how you need to. It makes me so sad that there is not more support for those of us with ocd/anxiety/asd- it's so overwhelming sometimes, it never lets up and some days it does seem hard to keep going. I just wish there was a place for people to turn on those days. wow. I'm really sorry, this is sad.

 

[Orange Glasses]

@SimplyWandering -

Please accept my deepest condolences on the loss of your brother.

I have had three (3) close friends commit suicide and fully understand the immense toll it takes on those left behind. For some, like myself, I unfortunately have a better understanding of what may have pushed them to that point where they literally felt that there were no other possible options. It was simply the unrelenting and intense mental anguish that was beyond their capacity to handle. Something had to give and they chose to end the pain in the only way they knew how.

With time, you may want to delve into this a little deeper and Amazon has more than a few books available that attempt to explain the why's of suicide and assisting those left behind.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[SimplyWandering]

My condolences, I lost my older brother a couple of years ago, not sure what happened, suspect some sort of stroke, he had some mental health issues. His heart and liver live on, I really miss him, he was a fellow ASPIE, sort of like Sheldon of big bang theory

I’m sorry for your loss, but glad that he could help others in his passing.

This was also a big decision for us. Some of my family thought it be a great deed to have his organs donated (as he was on life support) to benefit others.
My mother thought it would be a curse to others (I don’t know if mental illness is transferable, but I’m guessing even if it was, it would have to be from the brainstem/brain which was damage beyond repair), and didn’t think he wanted others to have it anyways. Ultimately she had the decision.
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I thank you all for posting. I’m reading each post and it helps me to come to terms, I will try to reply to all when I can. Please continue to post, it is all very helpful.

 

[Slim Jim]

Life is rough. Just have to process the grief. (May take some time.) And realize it's out of your hands now. You're only responsible for your self. We're individuals, we all have our own trajectory and fate.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

Sorry for your loss. As a former self harmer, I think I can somewhat explain what might have been going on in your brother’s head and why he would self harm. This type of behavior is usually linked to mental health issues, depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem and self-image issues. Some people do it as a form of release for pent up emotions and frustration. Others do it as a way to punish themselves for being “bad” people. I did it as a combination of the two and to also make all of these negative thoughts and memories shut up and leave me alone for awhile. These thoughts would go away for a couple of weeks but they always came back and I thought that I had to do it as a way to punish myself for these thoughts. I wasn’t really able to see the bigger picture that what I was doing to myself was actually causing harm to me and that the areas I targeted had injuries more noticeable than I had thought. I wasn’t even thinking about the possibility of ending up with a life threatening infection from constantly hurting myself. My main goal in self harm was to make certain thoughts and memories leave me alone. Maybe that is what your brother was dealing with. Maybe not. It’s hard to say really. But at the time I was doing it, I didn’t really think highly of myself and often thought that I didn’t matter much to anyone else given how badly I was bullied in high school and constantly told that it was my fault and no one wanting to help me and I began to push others away from getting too close to me because I thought it would end up being some sort of trap and that they’d used anything I said and do against me just like everyone else had. I believed that people probably would be glad if I had dropped dead and probably celebrate my death. Self harm made these and other negative thoughts I had go away for a bit. It took a really long time before I could actually tell anyone about these thoughts and I kept self harming for four years and no one actually knew I was doing it. They noticed the injuries but I never gave any indication that I was a self harmer. In the support group for self harm I discovered that everyone there did it because they didn’t feel good about themselves and had depression and anxiety and self harm was just a way to distract those problems from bothering them. I hope I explained what goes on inside a person’s head when they self harm.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I’m sorry for your loss, but glad that he could help others in his passing.

This was also a big decision for us. Some of my family thought it be a great deed to have his organs donated (as he was on life support) to benefit others.
My mother thought it would be a curse to others (I don’t know if mental illness is transferable, but I’m guessing even if it was, it would have to be from the brainstem/brain which was damage beyond repair), and didn’t think he wanted others to have it anyways. Ultimately she had the decision.
—————————-

I thank you all for posting. I’m reading each post and it helps me to come to terms, I will try to reply to all when I can. Please continue to post, it is all very helpful.

my brother was a big coffee drinker, I always wonder if the recipient of his organs now really like coffee, or philosophy which he was obsessed with. We made the decision as his surviving sbling's.

 

[Ella Spell]

My condolences to you and your family at this tragic time and as you sit shiva.

My grandfather took his life on my 16th birthday. He too was likely autistic. He spent most of his final years in reclusion out of contact with the family because of social phobia and burnout. This was years ago but my pain and heartbreak never end. As a child I was too young to understand what happened, so I felt angry. With time I've learned to feel immense compassion and understanding for what he went through.

I'm so sorry you have suffered this unbearable loss.

God speed.

 

[Aspychata]

Out of respect to @SimplyWandering - we can support them at this time.

 

[Thinx]

I am so sorry for your loss. As some already mentioned, he has made a decision, sadly not so freely as all that, when he has been so depressed. I think at least he is beyond the pain now. Perhaps for his children it has been too hard to manage how he was. And for him as a parent who could not parent as he may have wished to, with the intrusive mental health issues, he may have felt how hard that was.

I hope there is help and support there for you and his family, and some understanding that he sadly chose an ending which no one wanted for him, but which he may have felt released by, perhaps feeling his mental health would not improve, despite that we may hope it could have.