I'm finding it difficult to properly convey what I truly want to say. Nonetheless, I'll try my best. (I apologize in advance if I ramble too much or if what I say doesn't make too much sense. Thank you in advance for reading.)
My name is "Ryn". I'm 23-year-old woman who currently resides in the suburbs of Chicago. After years of misdiagnosis, therapy sessions and anti-depressants, I was officially diagnosed with Aspergers at age 19. Even to this day, I haven't come to complete terms with it.
For me, the way I'd describe having Aspergers is like being trapped by two walls. These walls are the ones between myself and others and me and myself. They are used as both protection and containment.
I've always struggled socially. Making so-called "friends" has been difficult, keeping them is even more difficult. I used to have tendencies to cling onto anybody who would show me any kindness. Looking back, that probably was suffocating for them and may have been what pushed them away. Nowadays, I'm trying to just blend in. As long as I pretend to be like anyone else, I will silently survive. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want friends. However, after years of looking, I don't want to get my hopes up.
As time goes on, I feel like everyone is speeding past me. Everyone seems to be living their life beautifully while I struggle to crawl out of bed and put on a mask. I know that everyone struggles every so often, yet most seem to hide it convincingly. It leads me to wonder... Do I have a future? Should I continue on another day? These thoughts often cross my mind.
I feel incompetent, stupid, incapable and worthless. I try to bottle up these unpleasant feelings, I don't want others to see these aspects of myself. To me, thats my "truth". I'm not talented and at moment like these, I don't see any redeeming features. I don't see myself "evolving into a brilliant, better me".
The reason I wrote this because... I'm tired of bottling the same repetitive thoughts in my head. I'm tired of self-loathing in silence. I'm tired of crying silently into a pillow when I'm alone at midnight, hoping the morning's sun will take all the pain away. I'm tired of using things such as food to numb myself.
From today on, I want to actively make life better for both myself and for whoever's paths I may cross. I want to learn to love myself. I want to become that person I've imagined myself to be a thousand times. I want to stop holding myself back... and that starts with this post.
This is my 'silent voice'.
My name is "Ryn". I'm 23-year-old woman who currently resides in the suburbs of Chicago. After years of misdiagnosis, therapy sessions and anti-depressants, I was officially diagnosed with Aspergers at age 19. Even to this day, I haven't come to complete terms with it.
For me, the way I'd describe having Aspergers is like being trapped by two walls. These walls are the ones between myself and others and me and myself. They are used as both protection and containment.
I've always struggled socially. Making so-called "friends" has been difficult, keeping them is even more difficult. I used to have tendencies to cling onto anybody who would show me any kindness. Looking back, that probably was suffocating for them and may have been what pushed them away. Nowadays, I'm trying to just blend in. As long as I pretend to be like anyone else, I will silently survive. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want friends. However, after years of looking, I don't want to get my hopes up.
As time goes on, I feel like everyone is speeding past me. Everyone seems to be living their life beautifully while I struggle to crawl out of bed and put on a mask. I know that everyone struggles every so often, yet most seem to hide it convincingly. It leads me to wonder... Do I have a future? Should I continue on another day? These thoughts often cross my mind.
I feel incompetent, stupid, incapable and worthless. I try to bottle up these unpleasant feelings, I don't want others to see these aspects of myself. To me, thats my "truth". I'm not talented and at moment like these, I don't see any redeeming features. I don't see myself "evolving into a brilliant, better me".
The reason I wrote this because... I'm tired of bottling the same repetitive thoughts in my head. I'm tired of self-loathing in silence. I'm tired of crying silently into a pillow when I'm alone at midnight, hoping the morning's sun will take all the pain away. I'm tired of using things such as food to numb myself.
From today on, I want to actively make life better for both myself and for whoever's paths I may cross. I want to learn to love myself. I want to become that person I've imagined myself to be a thousand times. I want to stop holding myself back... and that starts with this post.
This is my 'silent voice'.
