Thriving alone, dreading loneliness

[Lichi]

I was just jotting down my thoughts for my therapist regarding my anxiety. I managed to conclude that I feel lost in a world where I am all alone. In this sense it’s me alone in my own world of mine, not being able to partake in a world of NTs.

I just realized how I feel lonely. I feel the need to be able to just open up to someone with everything and all that is me. I feel that missing in my life. At the same time I really do enjoy being alone. The relationship where I did have someone as close as that level of intimacy it just wore me out and drained me completely. With new people I get too aggressive and defensive and quickly uninterested in people for them to get to know me. I shut close too much and can dislike someone for getting ‘too personal’ over simple questions, or I lose interest fast. I feel it’s better to handle my complicated mind instead of letting in someone else in this mess.

I do enjoy my time alone. I do in fact need it a lot. I just crash really hard if I don’t and things get really ugly.

How do people deal with this dilemma?

 

[SusanLR]

I was just jotting down my thoughts for my therapist regarding my anxiety. I managed to conclude that I feel lost in a world where I am all alone. In this sense it’s me alone in my own world of mine, not being able to partake in a world of NTs.

I just realized how I feel lonely. I feel the need to be able to just open up to someone with everything and all that is me. I feel that missing in my life. At the same time I really do enjoy being alone. The relationship where I did have someone as close as that level of intimacy it just wore me out and drained me completely. With new people I get too aggressive and defensive and quickly uninterested in people for them to get to know me. I shut close too much and can dislike someone for getting ‘too personal’ over simple questions, or I lose interest fast. I feel it’s better to handle my complicated mind instead of letting in someone else in this mess.

I do enjoy my time alone. I do in fact need it a lot. I just crash really hard if I don’t and things get really ugly.

How do people deal with this dilemma?

You just wrote exactly why I go to therapy twice a month.
I don't know how to deal with the dilemma either.
So I take it out on my therapist all of these thoughts.
It's a vent, but, I find no answers.
I did feel that close to one person in my life, my Mom,
then when I lost her and had no close friends or other family...Alone in a world of people.
Exactly how I feel now.
I need and must have my alone time too though.

The way I explained this to my therapist was with a flow type drawing. Home= Safe zone, not alone zone, and able to be just me zone without thinking about how to act.
Leave Home = Out in world where I am exhausted trying to put on the act of what they want and worry of a meltdown in front of others and that equals "uncomfortable."
Uncomfortable = panic attack, anxiety, meltdown.
Run back to safe zone home and feel Ahhh...I'm home, I'm not alone, I can relax.

NOW = Home, safe zone, ability to relax, be me yet not feel totally alone is gone. So where do I recharge?

Therapist replies: "Yes. But you're doing it!"
And it's killing me physically. Stress with no place to
de-stress and constant feeling alone when you want someone that you are comfortable to share things with
is a downward spiral of physical problems.
Think of what constant fight or flight feelings and their chemicals do to the body.

That answer made as much sense as having a personal trainer say today we are going to do weight lifting.
Start with a 50 lb weight on each end.
What!!??
So you make one. Then another and he knocks the
holders away so if the weights fall on you, you're crushed. You say Help, I need to rest. Can't do anymore.
"Oh, but, you're doing it! Just keep thinking that!"
Come on, the body will give out sooner or later.

The photo I use for this feeling is this:

Me in the world now.

Oh, and I love your avatar. Fits exactly.

 

[Progster]

I think this is what I used to call the 'push-pull' effect before I was diagnosed and knew what was really going on- that on the one hand I wanted to do things - go to a restaurant to eat, meet someone for coffee, go to a friend's house, talk to people and reach out to them, but whenever I tried to do these things, I ended up hating it and not enjoying it for one reason or another and leaving. And yet, a week later, I'd still want to do them again.

I crave stimulation, but at the same time, am repelled by too much of it. Push-pull, like poles of a magnet. Feelings of restlessness, boredom, stubborness in wanting to persist with things that just aren't for me, going against the grain.

I've become very hermit-like in recent years and I no longer feel this urge to go and do things that are likely to be uncomfortable or actually not pleasant for me. I am comfortable and happy with my own company, I don't feel like I need to have lots of friends in my life, or that I need to socialise.

One thing that actually worked was things like: doing activities with one or two people where the emphasis was on the activity and not just sitting around talking.

 

[RetiredDinner]

I detest being alone. But my friends aren't people who want to hang with me 24/7. It really frustrates me, because when I'm home, even though why whole family is almost always home, I feel so alone. Sometimes the human contact can be exhausting, but it's always worth it in the end, because I'm only really happy when I'm with friends. School is the only steady high point of my day, since I'm not alone.

I guess the thing that frustrates me most, is that I've never met someone with the same craving to be with other people, that some could call just plain clinginess. At least not one where I happened to be among those other people, since I'm always the one suggesting to go do something. With some rare exceptions.

 

[Lichi]

You just wrote exactly why I go to therapy twice a month.
I don't know how to deal with the dilemma either.
So I take it out on my therapist all of these thoughts.
It's a vent, but, I find no answers.
I did feel that close to one person in my life, my Mom,
then when I lost her and had no close friends or other family...Alone in a world of people.
Exactly how I feel now.
I need and must have my alone time too though.

The way I explained this to my therapist was with a flow type drawing. Home= Safe zone, not alone zone, and able to be just me zone without thinking about how to act.
Leave Home = Out in world where I am exhausted trying to put on the act of what they want and worry of a meltdown in front of others and that equals "uncomfortable."
Uncomfortable = panic attack, anxiety, meltdown.
Run back to safe zone home and feel Ahhh...I'm home, I'm not alone, I can relax.

NOW = Home, safe zone, ability to relax, be me yet not feel totally alone is gone. So where do I recharge?

Therapist replies: "Yes. But you're doing it!"
And it's killing me physically. Stress with no place to
de-stress and constant feeling alone when you want someone that you are comfortable to share things with
is a downward spiral of physical problems.
Think of what constant fight or flight feelings and their chemicals do to the body.

That answer made as much sense as having a personal trainer say today we are going to do weight lifting.
Start with a 50 lb weight on each end.
What!!??
So you make one. Then another and he knocks the
holders away so if the weights fall on you, you're crushed. You say Help, I need to rest. Can't do anymore.
"Oh, but, you're doing it! Just keep thinking that!"
Come on, the body will give out sooner or later.

The photo I use for this feeling is this:View attachment 44188
Me in the world now.

Oh, and I love your avatar. Fits exactly.

I am also having this struggle lately in regards to my therapist and how to act around him. I don’t want to undermine his expertise, but it’s not easy to just “remove the thoughts” no matter how many times he draws it up. I am trying to not just nod and say I understand and act as if everything is ok like I do in every day life.

My situation is that I moved back to my parents’ house after living a couple of years alone. A lot of the dynamic has changed and I can’t keep up. It doesn’t really give me the room to let my guard down completely. I constantly have to explain why I am feeling like this and why that. Even in my own room I feel the need to be on alert of everything. I don’t feel safe with this much safety around me. I just had this feeling that I was making myself tired by thinking, and felt I need to get away from myself even. That’s how crowded I feel. I had a meltdown couple of weeks ago where I told my mother that it’s a curse to get up every morning and that I just wish I could be asleep. I don’t want to cease to exist or not be alive, just sleep all the exhaustion out.

 

[Lichi]

I think this is what I used to call the 'push-pull' effect before I was diagnosed and knew what was really going on- that on the one hand I wanted to do things - go to a restaurant to eat, meet someone for coffee, go to a friend's house, talk to people and reach out to them, but whenever I tried to do these things, I ended up hating it and not enjoying it for one reason or another and leaving. And yet, a week later, I'd still want to do them again.

I crave stimulation, but at the same time, am repelled by too much of it. Push-pull, like poles of a magnet. Feelings of restlessness, boredom, stubborness in wanting to persist with things that just aren't for me, going against the grain.

I've become very hermit-like in recent years and I no longer feel this urge to go and do things that are likely to be uncomfortable or actually not pleasant for me. I am comfortable and happy with my own company, I don't feel like I need to have lots of friends in my life, or that I need to socialise.

One thing that actually worked was things like: doing activities with one or two people where the emphasis was on the activity and not just sitting around talking.

I feel the hermit thing too. In fact before being diagnosed I was sure I had some kind of disorder that made me like that. I think it’s called Hikikomori? It takes me days to realize the fact that I feel lonely. It’s still somehow OK for me to stay alone.

The only friends I had a good time with who now live in a different country were the ones who would give me the room to decide activities and not comment if I refused. And they were aware that too much stimulation could “crash my hard drive”.

 

[Mary Anne]

I think all young people feel lonely. I did. I felt lonely because I had only 2 friends for the first 16 years of my life (even they were not healthy relationships) until I surrounded myself with so many people for years constantly, and it exhausted me and became very unhealthy.

Social media has changed everything. People have a million friends online, and also a million places to hang out. Besides that, there is constant pressure to do tons of after school activities, and then be with family. Young people are never alone, and do not get used to it being a healthy thing.

I celebrate being alone, and though I have jobs in which I am constantly with people all day, I enjoy going home to my cats. Even they can be annoying in the mornings when they crowd all over me and wake me up.

I have sensory disorders, and would love to live as a hermit in the woods! I had at least 25 years of therapy, maybe more. It helped me a lot, though it’s never perfect. Nothing is.

 

[Bella Pines]

How do people deal with this dilemma?

I post here

But what you said really is spot on. I like to be on my own but sometimes I want to be able to open up and show the real me, but can't. NTs get scared or offended or just don't understand.

However, the good news is that I seem to pick up 1 person every decade. Excluding my first decade, I now have 3 friends who I can open up to, THREE! Looking forward to meeting my fourth 10 years from now...!

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I now have 3 friends who I can open up to, THREE! Looking forward to meeting my fourth 10 years from now.

Three's a crowd.

Four is....

But not all at once?

Nobody can manage those numbers all at the same time

Unless...

Are you the one in the prophecy ?

 

[Mary Anne]

Being alone is not the same as loneliness. Young people might not understand the two are very different.

For example, when I am alone, I want to be alone. Alone to read, think, garden, walk in the woods, do art, even have a meal in a restaurant, etc. Feeling “lonely” is feeling invisible, not liked by others, and the world is passing me by.

I choose to be alone, but no one chooses to feel “lonely.” When I feel “lonely”, I try to engage myself in something involving I love doing to distract the thoughts. Keep busy.

 

[tducey]

I like being by myself but it's always nice to spend time with others. If you get lonely you get at activities to keep your mind occupied.

 

[AO1501]

Having had a long-term relationship that eventually went bad, I realised for myself that being alone was the perfect solution. It allows me to be myself, when being married to an NT was always very hard work, even in he early years which were a great deal of fun. And I have, for more than 5 years, had almost total freedom to do as I please, and be totally just me.

The idea of spending more time in a relationship with another NT just never appealed, and I have never felt even slightly lonely, because I like spending time with myself too much. So for me, there was no dilemma. It was a pleasant and meaningful life, alone.

What I never reckoned with is that there are not just NTs out there, but Aspies too. And by accident, I found one. This is not like any relationship I have ever had before, and it is so simple and easy because we're both direct and rational, and it is like we have known each other for a lifetime, because, really we have.

So even in a life alone, there is always the possibility of a surprise!

 

[Gritches]

I handle it by not really looking for "friends". Sometimes friends come, but it's rare and usually doesn't last.

Instead, I look to get my social "fix". I use my therapist not so much as a doctor but more as a "rent-a-friend", someone to socialize with for an hour a week, and that satisfies me along with a few people I talk to online.

 

[Bella Pines]

Are you the one in the prophecy ?

I am the Kwisatz Haderach.

 

[Lichi]

Three's a crowd.

Four is....

But not all at once?

Nobody can manage those numbers all at the same time

Unless...

Are you the one in the prophecy ?

 

[Lichi]

Being alone is not the same as loneliness. Young people might not understand the two are very different.

For example, when I am alone, I want to be alone. Alone to read, think, garden, walk in the woods, do art, even have a meal in a restaurant, etc. Feeling “lonely” is feeling invisible, not liked by others, and the world is passing me by.

I choose to be alone, but no one chooses to feel “lonely.” When I feel “lonely”, I try to engage myself in something involving I love doing to distract the thoughts. Keep busy.

I do understand that being alone is not the same as loneliness. Hence the title of the thread. I love being alone, which doesn’t give me the desire to make company. I do get lonely at times wishing that I did have company, but then again I like being alone more.

But if loneliness is something that you feel then it’s a real feeling. I can’t imagine distracting yourself from a feeling could be that healthy. And it is an unpleasant feeling.

 

[Stik]

Logged in for the first time in awhile because of this reason. I’m lonely. My fiancé works evenings and I never get to see him during the week because I work days. It’s been making things rough. All my friends are busy and this is the first time I’ve had this many close friends. But, I never feel like I can contact those friends whenever I want and my fiancé is too busy at work to respond to my texts. Tonight has been especially hard as I’m feeling extra depressed. I sometimes wonder if I’d be missed.

 

[Lichi]

Logged in for the first time in awhile because of this reason. I’m lonely. My fiancé works evenings and I never get to see him during the week because I work days. It’s been making things rough. All my friends are busy and this is the first time I’ve had this many close friends. But, I never feel like I can contact those friends whenever I want and my fiancé is too busy at work to respond to my texts. Tonight has been especially hard as I’m feeling extra depressed. I sometimes wonder if I’d be missed.

Stik I hope you manage to find your way out of depression soon. I’m sure you’ll be missed if anything. You’ll never know if you can talk to those friends if you don’t try it out.

 

[ECM2018]

Everything you all are sharing resonates strongly with me as well. I feel like I am really lucky in my situation. But the loneliness is sometimes overwhelming. This is only understandable to other Aspies or those with similar social struggles. You see, I grew up with a brother, we are only about a year apart. (He also displays pretty big signs of Asperger's, but he doesn't seem interested in investigating, which is fine.) In high school, I was involved with dance competitions and guard competitions and dance teaching, combined with practices all the time, etc. My social exposure was in the insulated and structured environment of an activity, which I think helped me a lot with learning social skills because it wasn't a situation where it was 100% voluntary to be around each other; we had the purpose and obligation of being on a team in an activity we cared about (if that makes sense). My strategy has always been mirroring the personalities of those around me and trying to be just like the people around me so that I don't stick out or bring people's judgment on myself. (My biggest anxiety revolves around being made a fool of.) This got me into trouble in college because of the learned behaviors in high school, which basically taught me that women/girls are supposed to attract boys and be charming...that's about it. Oh, and win trophies for dancing and competing in guard.

As a result, I fell into a crowd or people with the guise of friendship, but in reality we just all got together at the same places to get out-of-our-minds drunk. I ended up being connected at the hip with a girl and we enjoyed getting drunk and teasing boys, etc. We'd gotten thrown out of bars, arrested together...lots of special bonding situations...jk. I fell out of that crowd and met my now-husband in my last year of college. Then I fell into his circle of friends and the rest is history.

I write all this basically to come to point that of all of these friends and family in my life, I've never truly "felt" any of them. Each time we throw a party, I go through a cycle of looking forward to it, then not having a single interesting conversation, then feeling empty after everyone's gone, then needing at least 24 hours to decompress from the social toll. I feel like I'm pretty capable in social situations. I understand how to behave and make small talk (sorta) and the general back and forth rules of conversation. But I get SO BORED. I don't feel comfortable just calling anyone, talking to any of them. Our interactions are surface and uninteresting. Any time I've met someone at a new job or get together or whatever and I try to open up and talk about something with substance, I seem to scare that person away and get weird looks followed by an abrupt change in subject.

Wow, I'm writing a book. I apologize. I'll stop there. haha! =)

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

(My biggest anxiety revolves around being made a fool

Had that one in spades, not sure why. Think it was from within the family.
Perhaps a spearate post for this one, as it seems central .
Perhaps others have this one.

Our interactions are surface and uninteresting. Any time I've met someone at a new job or get together or whatever and I try to open up and talk about something with substance, I seem to scare that person away and get weird looks followed by an abrupt change in subject

Now this, I know is Central
Ironically,if I am given free reign in conversation I can get a buzz from it

(Not a small talk hangover as in my other thread)

A large amount of people aren't interested in anything.

They have socially based conversations. With metamessages of status,one-upmanship,gossip etc
Conversation for conversations sake - verboten!
Eye rolling etc.