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Throwing water bottles is OK.

mina

mina

Member
So, is it? Aspie bf threw one at me. He didn't hurt me. It just landed a couple of ft away from me. He thought it was funny. He said he was just playing around. I really don't think there's anything funny about throwing crap at ea other. I mean, it's not like it was a pillow he threw. It was an almost-full water bottle. I am upset that hee can't take responsibility for his actions and keeps saying he was jk. He, our 7-yr old and I were playing basketball in our bkyard yesterday. He purposefully threw the ball at our daughter harder than she could handle. He thought it was funny and same as today, claims he was jusyy kidding around. But it is not okay. What do you guys think? He doesn't see the severity of his doing at all...at all...he left to the living rm for some space right now, as if I did some horrible thing to HIM...
 
It's not an objective right or wrong thing. Throwing water bottles at someone else is okay if and only if the other person is okay with it. It's important to know what things our loved ones are okay with, and what things they are not okay with, and to be careful in cases when we are not sure.

But since no one got hurt, I wouldn't make a big deal out of this.
 
Ste11aeres said:
It's not an objective right or wrong thing. Throwing water bottles at someone else is okay if and only if the other person is okay with it. It's important to know what things our loved ones are okay with, and what things they are not okay with, and to be careful in cases when we are not sure.

But since no one got hurt, I wouldn't make a big deal out of this.
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But, who would be okay with it? That is where I am confused. I cannot understand why anyone would want to do that or get that done to them unless one person is physically hurting the other and is seeking a form of protection.
 
This makes sense...
 

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mina said:
This makes sense...
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It sounds to me like propaganda. Right off the bat it says that aspies have no empathy. That is incorrect.

I'm willing to consider that he doesn't know that people need to be okay with having stuff thrown at them before he does it, but a desire to inflict suffering is not an aspie trait, it's a psychopathic one. It can be acquired sometimes by anyone, including aspies, as a result of abuse, maybe, or other sorts of psychological harm. I don't know why your S.O. likes throwing things at people, but it's not caused by autism.
 
Mina, I am with you on this! I am an aspie and would NEVER dream of doing such a thing! But guess what? My husband who is an NT would throw it and equally say he was joking ( he has not yet, but done other things, so I know he would do that).

It is not like throwing a piece of paper or something equally light at one; water bottles are heavy when filled with water.

I just do not think an aspie would do that!
 
Just say:

"Please don't throw water bottles at a person. It scares or hurts the person, and it's wrong."

Keep it to the point and direct, no fancy long emotional speeches.
 
If you don't think there's anything funny about throwing things at people, no matter what the intentions are behind it, then I can totally see why this is a genuine problem for you. If you're going to address it with your bf, though, I'd wait until a neutral time if I were you, and keep it simple like Progster suggested. Since there is obviously a gap in understanding between you two on this one, he may feel too defensive or confused to really digest your message if it comes in a moment of frustration. Hearing your side via a display of emotion will likely feel like an overreaction to him after he's asserted that he was only being playful.

In his mind, probably:

He's explained. >> Explanations neutralize emotional situations with information. >> You're still emotional >> Your point of view is irrational.

If you press the issue when your emotions are elevated, he may end up focusing on your upset rather than on what's actually upsetting you. See what I mean?

As for the little attachment you posted, I don't think this is very accurate. An Aspie may feel their stated good intentions cover the situation, but I completely disagree that we don't feel accountable for the harm. The harm just has to be explained calmly and rationally, as I said above. And I think it's ridiculous to suggest that only NTs believe in apologizing. A lot of people on the spectrum apologize for stuff we do constantly, almost obsessively. Some of us may just need some help getting to an understanding of where the harm is, sometimes. That's as much the other person's responsibility as the Aspie's, and approach matters.

I think a lot of posts like the one you attached here are a problem, frankly. They are almost always from an NT point of view, and for all of the talk about lack of empathy in Aspies, NTs are no whizzes at putting themselves in our shoes, either. They can't be relied on as experts on us. (This isn't meant as NT-bashing. It's just a reality of differences.)
 
How about saying, would you like it if someone threw a water bottle at you ? If they answer Yes, fill up a water bottle and then throw it at them when they least expect it. :)
 
Sometimes I retreat when I've embarrassed myself. Maybe he knows what he did isn't right and isn't able to process that. I know I've done that before, said I was kidding when I upset someone because I can't believe I did (action).
 
Some people have the good reflexes to catch anything thrown at them. Some couples/friends do slightly rough things as a way of showing affection. Yeah, it's weird, but if both people are on the same page, there's nothing wrong with it. But both people have to be into that way of showing affection for it to work that way.

It's not an Aspie thing or an NT thing, it's an individual thing.
This article portrays it as a masculine/father thing (yes, yes, I know dads, like moms, are individual in their parenting styles, and not everyone fits within the parameters of what is considered "normal" for their gender)
http://www.artofmanliness.com/2012/02/07/the-importance-of-roughhousing-with-your-kids/
 
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Tell him, you don't think it's funny, particularly hitting a kid, and to quit the physical jokes. The only thing he needs to understand is this is basic respect and not negotiable. If he doesn't comply, give him the boot. This may only get worse otherwise.
 
I bet he has a bunch of buddies and they joke around with each other constantly. He may have thought you'd think it was funny, I doubt he meant to hurt you the human body is a fairly large target. You may not have found it funny but find out his reasons first if your not okay with them set a boundary about it and if he continually crosses that boundary you may want to rethink things
 
Men can be cruel with their joking around in certain environments and willing people to play along
 
Think that a direct example right in that moment is a good thing, if you have the wherewithal to do it. When I got out of the car I slightly slammed the door, spouse said 'You're damaging the door you don't need to slam it'. I looked down and realized that he had driven too close to a low cement partition when he parked. A part of the front of the car was pushed up on the partition. I asked him to get out and said 'look' he seemed embarrassed, and said; "I'm not used to the new car yet". I smiled and said 'ditto.' He's not said anything like that since. It was an object lesson that truly worked.

The point of it was to make him feel the same way he made me feel at that moment, he understood it better if he was made to feel the same things.
 
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To me, there is a big difference between a full or an empty water bottle. You do not throw full ones at people no matter what. Empty ones, okay if you're playing around and they throw it back at you or, shake their head ant put it in the bin.

Some people, Aspie or not, use "I was just joking." as an catch all cover for anything they do that upsets others. my step son is like that and, he's NT. Every time he makes his nieces and nephews cry he says "Geeze, what's the problem., I was just playing." Or "Chill out, I was joking." and he thinks that makes it okay. his other one is "Well, I didn't mean to." And that's supposed to make it okay if he ruins or breaks things. He is banned from my home because of this, and other reason. (one such does of his "I didn't mean to." cost me over 500 USD to repair. - he felled a tree on top of my internet satellite dish.)
 
I think it would be a bigger issue if he had actually thrown the bottle AT her rather than just TOWARDS her, falling two feet short. We're not told whether she saw it coming. If it was meant to make her jump, its no different to jumping out on someone and saying 'boo'.
As for the basketball, that's very common behaviour, especially among NTs (not that that makes it right).
 
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mina said:
But, who would be okay with it? That is where I am confused. I cannot understand why anyone would want to do that or get that done to them unless one person is physically hurting the other and is seeking a form of protection.
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I would, actually, at the age of 59. When I'm at play, I tend to be quite exuberant and have often been told I'm overly rough. It's nothing I do purposely...I simply have difficulty regulating my impulses. I'd be sorry for anyone who tries to imagine what I'm thinking, because I'm not. I'm playing. That's one of the rare times when I don't think, which is such a relief that I can take it too far.

Counsel your partner gently, I beg of you. He's confused by your anger, and for that, gets defensive. He honestly means no harm. There's a very real child in every Aspie man that will do what children will do. Your best course is to see it there with a compassionate eye, and be firm but patient.
 
Nadador said:
I would, actually, at the age of 59. When I'm at play, I tend to be quite exuberant and have often been told I'm overly rough. It's nothing I do purposely...I simply have difficulty regulating my impulses. I'd be sorry for anyone who tries to imagine what I'm thinking, because I'm not. I'm playing.

There's a very real child in every Aspie man that will do what children will do. Your best course is to see it there with a compassionate eye, and be firm but patient.
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You sound like my dog :p
 
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