Tips for an aspie in a relationship with a NT

[MEnMarc]

Greetings,
I have been involved with an Aspie and I love him. He is smart, faithful, and honest. I was attracted to him because of these things and also because he offers me safety and routine. I trust him. I just get frustrated sometimes with the everyday things that are out of alignment. Hygiene, cleanliness, lack of empathy, lack of ability to validate me and my feelings. I know, I know, it is what it is. I just miss being on his "interest" list....I know when he tries and I know when he is so completely clueless to my needs. I noticed that there is plenty of info out there for the NT partner about being in relationship with an Aspie, but little to no info for the Aspie in relationships with a NT.....does anyone have any resources?

Can you share ideas of tips for the aspie?

 

[Nitro]

Hi MEnMarc

 

[BraidedPony]

Are you looking for information to give your Aspie boyfriend? What does he wants to know?
Is there something you want him to know about you but aren’t sure how to communicate it to him?

 

[MEnMarc]

Thanks for asking, I want some tips to help him deal with me and how to be in relationship with a NT. I see info and resources for me. I understand his needs, his strengths, his challenges, but I don't see info that would be helpful for him

 

[pamelaperejil]

My advice to both of you is to talk about what you need while trying not to judge the other person or get too emotional. That and be prepared to make compromises. Begin with an idea of what you absolutely need from your partner (this includes the things you need them not to do), and don't go too far if those needs aren't getting met, but be flexible on the rest and keep an open mind. Try to show the other person that you're making an effort (even if you don't get it right 100% of the time). Maybe make rules for him: once a day, validate your partner, etc. Give lots of positive feedback. People live for positive feedback. Learn to roll with the punches and let go of past resentments.

Good luck.

 

[George Newman]

Hay ya, MEnMarc! I think it is great that you have identified the traits you like. I’d love to be super optimistic and throw caution to the wind saying, “the Aspie traits will change.” I cannot.

IMO the hygiene issues can be overcome thru communication, self awareness, and sticky notes. Candidly, if seen thru statistical analysis the ability to validate you and your feelings will come and go. Depending on the Aspie, you may never be on the intrest list to the degree you want to be. Not to the degree a Neurotipical person might validate and worship you. You may find yourself lonely; becoming resentful and bitter in time, if you don’t maintain perspective.

It’s like loving cookies and getting all the cookies you want except for your favorite cookie. You look around and everyone else seems to be getting all the cookies they want including their favorite cookie. You will ask yourself, “why shouldn’t I get all the cookies I want, including my favorite?” Is that an over simplification? Am I selling us Aspies short? Am I allowing my experience to cloud my gudgement?

Of course, this is my opinion but I feel compelled to be honest even if I come across as brash or less than optimistic. I want it to work out for you because i want it to work out for me but it didn’t and in most (not all) NT/Aspie relationships it doesn’t.

I wish the best for you. Thank you for the post. Be honest with yourself. You deserve love and met realistic expectations. My best to you!

 

[Myway]

Hello and welcome to AutismForums.