tired of the games

[Tyonee]

My grandaughter is an aspie and life is hard for her as well as those that love her. The thing that is the hardest is when she plays her malicious games. She suffers from the world for what she has but she is a genius at acting out her aspie on purpose..then when people figure out what shes doing she screams victim. It makes me so very angry.. I know she only does it to lash out at what she feels is an unfair world..and it gives her a sense of power. I have been there for her thick and thin. Im one of the only people she trusts. But last night she pulled the "fake aspie on me. I was furoius. So I called her on it and she immediatly makes herself cry and. Acts like I did someyhing horrible to her and her mom buys it.
Im tired. Dang tired.

 

[HisShadowX]

Some families don't get it like we don't get you. Games are her escape one of her few interests that complete her.

If she s young enough get her on ssi into school or see a professional about group therapy.

Most importantly read this.

OASIS @ MAAP - Especially for Grandparents of Children With Asperger Syndrome

Read it all please it will help you more than anything else I can say

 

[Tyonee]

So if its bad and wrong..its ok for her to do it because shes an aspie?
Shes smart and knows right from wrong. Im trying to help her understand the world around her. Doing this fake aspie thing that she does puts off people and they dont want to be around her when she does it. How is that going to "complete" her when it drives people away?
Your going in the totally wrong direction if you think its not ok to try to help her understand that this is wrong to do.

I am venting because up untill now she has never done this to me. I am angry because of it And thats perfectly fine for me to be thst way.
What im asking is for some ideas on how to address this situation Without her wigging out..
dont tell me I dont get it..cause I get it. It s been a long road of learning and trial and error. I suffer right along with her..aand believe you me ..tthat girl suffers. Shes 9 yrs old and gets bullied by children and adults alike. And im the one who crys with her and comforts her.

 

[HisShadowX]

Here's the problem when you say games do you mean video games or mind games? One thing we do very well is take everything literally. I thought you were referring to video games to be honest I still think you are but the context of your last post leans me more over to, 'mind games'

Meltdowns are sadly unavoidable and are never pretty. My meltdowns are typically confined to those I am close to and in private.

The link I provided you should give you much needed context into her condition as well as your situation since you are a grandparent.

It also gets into phrases that confuse her.

Has she been properly diagnosed or has someone been playing Dr Mom? If she does see a psychologist I'd have it brought up to perhaps they can give you some tips.

Someone her age needs both behavior and perhaps speech therapy to help her work through one of her many issues.

One of the biggest mistakes of your generation for example (I'm guessing your a baby boomer) by using old wives tales and sort of ignoring huge issues.

A good example would be, "Don't sit to close to the TV or your eyes will go bad!" Chances and logic says that if a child sits to close to the TV they are having trouble seeing and need to see an eye doctor for an evaluation and possible glasses. Without the proper treatment chances are the eye sight will get worse and the child might develop a lazy eye.

Also you might think at times she is being what your generation calls, "smart." People with Aspergers are very literal being and unlike you think using purely logic.

So if she is disagreeing with you she does not understand your logic and why your line of thinking. It does not mean your in the wrong but more or less you need to break it down and make her understand why.

Simply stating something does not make it so which adds to your frustration.

The link I gave you should help you I know you care but if you really want to be there for her you gotta go that extra mile. If you can't your going to do more harm than good.

And much of that harm would be to yourself and your emotional well being

 

[tree]

It would be good to know what "fake aspie" means.
Examples of behavior.

 

[zurb]

A common discussion here is at what point is behaviour acceptable, and where has it crossed into excuses? What is reasonable expectation to change, and what is undue pressure? There may be things your granddaughter just can't change. However, I also believe there are rights and wrongs, and being aspie might be an explanation, but it should not be an excuse. As aspies we have things to work on. NTs do too - they are just different issues! Of course I need to state here there is also a big difference between 'right' and 'socially acceptable'. For example, looking at someone's eyes may be a social expectation, but is not intrinsically 'right'.
There is no easy answer as every aspie is different, and we can't mindread their thoughts and motives anymore than anyone else.
As a parent of aspies I understand your frustration. As an aspie myself, I sympathize with your granddaughter.
Maybe this post by Sharon Rose may help:
Asperger's Traits and Christian Living: I Apologize; I Sinned - OR - Excuse Me; I'm Aspie

 

[Tyonee]

Thank you for the comments. Im slightly aspie..my daugher more..my grand daughter got it worse. I have alot of experience and learned so much in a very long time
Ive gone thru the day first being angry..then frustrated.. then regretting..and now I 7nderstand I wasnt using my tools with her even when what she did to me hurt my heart and made me angry.

 

[SignOfLazarus]

Something to consider is she is a nine year old. No matter how precocious a nine year old may be, they are still nine.

And if they are on the spectrum, that certainly introduces more complications. It did with me. So i was intelligent and "perceptive" and had a large vocabulary but quite often got yelled at because i was misbehaving.

"wait, I'm misbehaving?" ...which was, apparently the wrong response because i got in trouble for being rude, or talking back or something similar. Which I might not understand either. At times teachers were not specific enough about a given "punishment" so if I didn't carry it out correctly that was seen as deliberate defiance.

No. I'm nine, I don't entirely understand my own feelings, let alone everyone elses. I have pretty low frustration tolerance compared to most other people, including most other nine year olds and often when people speak vaguely to me and get frustrated at my lack of understanding it is much like trying to understand a highly unique dialect of a language of which I only have a very tentative grasp.

I can tell you care and that you have your own frustrations. But many children have difficulties explaining what is going on from their point of view because they don't have the life experience to understand not every thinks like them.

So what you might see as "faking" may just be things that you literally don't comprehend because you either don't experience them OR you do experience these things but in a different way, as an adult.

I encourage you to ask more questions and read that OASIS link. I don't think poor behavior should be excused but it can take a lot of work to truly untangle what is happening to cause certain behaviors and what an individuals understanding of the effects are.

I see you want to help her.

...It also seems you have a lot of frustrations yourself- that is understandable. It takes work to support each other and while we are figuring it out it can be a trying process.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

...The thing that is the hardest is when she plays her malicious games. She suffers from the world for what she has but she is a genius at acting out her aspie on purpose..then when people figure out what shes doing she screams victim... I know she only does it to lash out at what she feels is an unfair world..and it gives her a sense of power. I have been there for her thick and thin. Im one of the only people she trusts. But last night she pulled the "fake aspie on me. I was furoius. So I called her on it and she immediatly makes herself cry and. Acts like I did someyhing horrible to her and her mom buys it.
Im tired. Dang tired.

You're assuming malice. That's unlikely unless your daughter has a different problem. If you are one of the people she trusts, then it's unlikely that she's being malicious. What you're seeing is that aspies are aspie. We don't show preferences because the problem is real and doesn't change just because we love and trust people. It's not that situational. It's about the trigger, not the audience.

By your own description, you actually did do something horrible: you expected her to be non-aspie for you. Her mom didn't "buy it" her mom knew it. According to the complete description.

So if its bad and wrong..its ok for her to do it because shes an aspie?
Shes smart and knows right from wrong. Im trying to help her understand the world around her. Doing this fake aspie thing that she does puts off people and they dont want to be around her when she does it. How is that going to "complete" her when it drives people away?
Your going in the totally wrong direction if you think its not ok to try to help her understand that this is wrong to do.

What do you think she learned from your way of "helping her understand?" You already know she knows right from wrong. So did she learn that trusting you is misplaced, because even you hold her accountable for something she can't choose not to be? How do you know what she learned?

Aspies like rules.

I am venting because up untill now she has never done this to me. I am angry because of it And thats perfectly fine for me to be thst way.

Agreed. What's not fine is that you've referred to "fake aspie" as if you thought she was lying about having it. And what your last sentence says that it's fine for you to get it wrong and then get mad at a nine-year-old for showing that you yourself have things to learn about right and wrong, as she does. I'm a parent myself. I saw a lot of this.

What im asking is for some ideas on how to address this situation Without her wigging out..
dont tell me I dont get it..cause I get it. It s been a long road of learning and trial and error. I suffer right along with her..aand believe you me ..tthat girl suffers. Shes 9 yrs old and gets bullied by children and adults alike. And im the one who crys with her and comforts her.

It's not fake. If you really think that, then you're committed to a position where she will be punished for things that are not, and will never be, reliably under control. And you don't get it if that's what you're doing. You are a part of the situation, and it's you who needs to stop playing the entitlement card and "wigging out."

Aspies have a ferocious sense of justice. We understand right from wrong. What was said upthread is absolutely correct: if the correction isn't in enough detail, it won't mean anything except "be afraid of yourself because you don't get it and no one can tell you what you did, but they will be mad that you did it." And even people who love you will be unpredictably angry.

You can't see this, now, or ever, if you insist that she's maliciously playing a disability card rather than what she does have: a different operating system with black-and-white rules.

Do you expect an Apple cell phone to behave like an Android cell phone? The functions are similar, but they don't do them the same way. There's a fuller discussion about brain differences in the blog that's viewable to visitors and members.

 

[HisShadowX]

You're assuming malice. That's unlikely unless your daughter has a different problem. If you are one of the people she trusts, then it's unlikely that she's being malicious. What you're seeing is that aspies are aspie. We don't show preferences because the problem is real and doesn't change just because we love and trust people. It's not that situational. It's about the trigger, not the audience.

By your own description, you actually did do something horrible: you expected her to be non-aspie for you. Her mom didn't "buy it" her mom knew it. According to the complete description.



What do you think she learned from your way of "helping her understand?" You already know she knows right from wrong. So did she learn that trusting you is misplaced, because even you hold her accountable for something she can't choose not to be? How do you know what she learned?

Aspies like rules.



Agreed. What's not fine is that you've referred to "fake aspie" as if you thought she was lying about having it. And what your last sentence says that it's fine for you to get it wrong and then get mad at a nine-year-old for showing that you yourself have things to learn about right and wrong, as she does. I'm a parent myself. I saw a lot of this.



It's not fake. If you really think that, then you're committed to a position where she will be punished for things that are not, and will never be, reliably under control. And you don't get it if that's what you're doing. You are a part of the situation, and it's you who needs to stop playing the entitlement card and "wigging out."

Aspies have a ferocious sense of justice. We understand right from wrong. What was said upthread is absolutely correct: if the correction isn't in enough detail, it won't mean anything except "be afraid of yourself because you don't get it and no one can tell you what you did, but they will be mad that you did it." And even people who love you will be unpredictably angry.

You can't see this, now, or ever, if you insist that she's maliciously playing a disability card rather than what she does have: a different operating system with black-and-white rules.

Do you expect an Apple cell phone to behave like an Android cell phone? The functions are similar, but they don't do them the same way. There's a fuller discussion about brain differences in the blog that's viewable to visitors and members.

View attachment 16590

Off topic but I like your signature, and I think it perfectly relates though to this topic

 

[Christopher Nicholson]

I am sorry but I think you should seek professional help for your granddaughter. I also think you and your daughter need to be heavily apart of the counseling.

You seem to be at the end of your rope and regardless of the nature of the situation you should take a breather and remember she's 9 years old. You describe her actions as malicious, that requires a specific goal, and full knowledge on how to obtain it. Can you really see her thinking out what she is doing like this?

If she is using asperger's syndrome as an excuse, that means she is receiving professional help right now?

 

[HisShadowX]

I am sorry but I think you should seek professional help for your granddaughter. I also think you and your daughter need to be heavily apart of the counseling.

You seem to be at the end of your rope and regardless of the nature of the situation you should take a breather and remember she's 9 years old. You describe her actions as malicious, that requires a specific goal, and full knowledge on how to obtain it. Can you really see her thinking out what she is doing like this?

If she is using asperger's syndrome as an excuse, that means she is receiving professional help right now?

I agree it takes a special type of person to deal with kids who are special needs.

One thing you do not want to do is be like this mother and not learn how to deal with and manage your special needs grandchild and then you end up hating your kin.

 

[Tom]

Don't give up on her. Try and teach her it doesn't work (the games).