To all of us who have problems with our parental figures…..

[Metalhead]

Why can’t we be our own parents for a change?

Most of us are adults here. No need to keep the umbilical cord wrapped around our necks.

We can still love them, that is normal. But we can also acknowledge that maybe we know ourselves better than they will ever choose to know us.

To my parents - I love you, but screw off. I have my own life today.

Yeah, that is a healthier way of thinking about these kinds of things.

 

[Luca]

Thank you.

I do know myself better than my parents will ever choose to, unfortunately.
Being adopted as an older child adds a layer of complexity to this issue. I never had any other parental figures or anyone else to look up to or receive guidance from. So I guess that "inner child" that never got parented at important developmental periods is kind of fractured. I always mention that my childhood was essentially stolen from me. I had to learn to take care of myself, defend myself, and get my needs met on my own when I was as young as 5 or 6.

I think at this point I am starting to love and care about myself, but I don't think I *like* myself, if that makes any sense...

I've said before though that this community here is my real family. I have never experienced this level of positivity, kindness, respect, love, friendship, and empathy anywhere other than here. So thank you guys for that. I hope I have been able to help some of you as well.

 

[Metalhead]

I think at this point I am starting to love and care about myself, but I don't think I *like* myself, if that makes any sense...

Makes total sense to me. At least I hope you like yourself enough not to go down the chemical addictions path.

The key to learning to like oneself is self modification. As in - being the kind of person you genuinely want to be without any excuses as to why that won’t work.

 

[Luca]

Makes total sense to me. At least I hope you like yourself enough not to go down the chemical addictions path.

The key to learning to like oneself is self modification. As in - being the kind of person you genuinely want to be without any excuses as to why that won’t work.

I've never had any interest in drugs, thankfully. I don't seem to be addicted to anything other than my job lol

I am definitely the kind of person I genuinely want to be, especially in terms of the things I'm doing with my life, and my personality... but I get hung up on stuff from my past that makes me feel like I'm a piece of crap or unlikeable sometimes... :/

 

[Metalhead]

I've never had any interest in drugs, thankfully. I don't seem to be addicted to anything other than my job lol

I am definitely the kind of person I genuinely want to be, especially in terms of the things I'm doing with my life, and my personality... but I get hung up on stuff from my past that makes me feel like I'm a piece of crap or unlikeable sometimes... :/

The past is the past. We all want to change our pasts. That is normal. But not necessarily healthy.

Today is a gift. To be who we want to be. That is why it is called the present.

 

[MildredHubble]

Thank you.

I do know myself better than my parents will ever choose to, unfortunately.
Being adopted as an older child adds a layer of complexity to this issue. I never had any other parental figures or anyone else to look up to or receive guidance from. So I guess that "inner child" that never got parented at important developmental periods is kind of fractured. I always mention that my childhood was essentially stolen from me. I had to learn to take care of myself, defend myself, and get my needs met on my own when I was as young as 5 or 6.

I think at this point I am starting to love and care about myself, but I don't think I *like* myself, if that makes any sense...

I've said before though that this community here is my real family. I have never experienced this level of positivity, kindness, respect, love, friendship, and empathy anywhere other than here. So thank you guys for that. I hope I have been able to help some of you as well.

There's a lot that you talk about that I relate to. I don't think I had a single moment throughout my life when I liked myself once, until I was 26. I have had very variable feelings about myself since then. But that was it. 6 months where I actually felt I wasn't so bad.

From very early on I had dealt with the sorts of behaviours from adults that no child should ever have to. It wasn't the worst abuse, but it was certainly abuse and it took me a long time to realise that my childhood, adolescence and early adulthood were definitely not normal.

I think I really understand what you mean by "fractured inner child". I feel like I'm in the same boat. My mother's parenting style was lazy but domineering, I was brought up the same way a lot of people treat cats sadly. I'm sure a lot of people know people who take on the responsibility of a pet then basically ignore them and do very little for them beyond feeding, and even then they can't always be counted on for that. That was essentially my mother's attitude to me.

I think over time I've gotten better at being a parent to that inner child. Sometimes they feel happy and validated, particularly now that I "listen" to them and occasionally indulge them a bit. So yeah, sometimes I buy childish things, and dress like a teenager.

Most people don't understand I suppose. I'm quite amazed at how dismissive people can be towards people who lost a big part or even all of their childhood. It seems to be such a alien concept to them and completely abstract.

 

[Luca]

There's a lot that you talk about that I relate to. I don't think I had a single moment throughout my life when I liked myself once, until I was 26. I have had very variable feelings about myself since then. But that was it. 6 months where I actually felt I wasn't so bad.

From very early on I had dealt with the sorts of behaviours from adults that no child should ever have to. It wasn't the worst abuse, but it was certainly abuse and it took me a long time to realise that my childhood, adolescence and early adulthood were definitely not normal.

I think I really understand what you mean by "fractured inner child". I feel like I'm in the same boat. My mother's parenting style was lazy but domineering, I was brought up the same way a lot of people treat cats sadly. I'm sure a lot of people know people who take on the responsibility of a pet then basically ignore them and do very little for them beyond feeding, and even then they can't always be counted on for that. That was essentially my mother's attitude to me.

I think over time I've gotten better at being a parent to that inner child. Sometimes they feel happy and validated, particularly now that I "listen" to them and occasionally indulge them a bit. So yeah, sometimes I buy childish things, and dress like a teenager.

Most people don't understand I suppose. I'm quite amazed at how dismissive people can be towards people who lost a big part or even all of their childhood. It seems to be such a alien concept to them and completely abstract.

Thank you for feeling comfortable sharing this with me. I'm so sorry that happened! But it does make me feel less alone and broken knowing that you feel the same...

I think that's the reason I buy childish things and dress like a teenager and have childish interests too. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, don't let anyone tell you otherwise! It's part of the healing process when you've been abused as a child and didn't have a normal childhood. You do need to listen to that part of yourself and help them heal and thrive!

People are very dismissive about it and don't understand, yeah. Most of the time people tell me I'm "immature" or "childish," and I've had a few people say things like "How can you be so mature sometimes, and so childish other times?" and "You're clearly a responsible/capable adult, so why act like a little girl?"
This isn't the experience that the majority of people have had, so it isn't surprising that they're so judgmental and dismissive about it, but it really does suck. I sometimes feel like my therapist even judges me for it. :/

I lost literally all of my childhood. I wasn't allowed any of the normal experiences that children have, like not even watching cartoons or playing with popular toys, or having birthday parties, for the most part. Everything I did was censored and I lived in a bubble. For 14 years. Some of those years being much more horrific and disturbing than others.
So I wouldn't expect any differently from myself as an adult than wanting to do those things that I missed out on now! I still watch stupid and childish stuff (mostly on Youtube now though), I still have stuffed animals and cute things, like that kitty mug and hair scrunchies I showed you the other day, and I still love to have birthday parties, even though on my next birthday I will be 29!
This past summer, I took a day off from work on my friend's birthday and went to Six Flags with my friends lol. It's good to have adult responsibilities and long-term goals too, but you can still be silly and have fun sometimes! Like I said, it's all part of the healing process, and it will make YOU feel good, even if other people don't understand

I'm here for you if you ever need to talk about these things one on one. I really love reading your posts and I care about you and will always support you. We often seem to be on the same wavelength too!

 

[MildredHubble]

Thank you for feeling comfortable sharing this with me. I'm so sorry that happened! But it does make me feel less alone and broken knowing that you feel the same...

I think that's the reason I buy childish things and dress like a teenager and have childish interests too. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, don't let anyone tell you otherwise! It's part of the healing process when you've been abused as a child and didn't have a normal childhood. You do need to listen to that part of yourself and help them heal and thrive!

People are very dismissive about it and don't understand, yeah. Most of the time people tell me I'm "immature" or "childish," and I've had a few people say things like "How can you be so mature sometimes, and so childish other times?" and "You're clearly a responsible/capable adult, so why act like a little girl?"
This isn't the experience that the majority of people have had, so it isn't surprising that they're so judgmental and dismissive about it, but it really does suck. I sometimes feel like my therapist even judges me for it. :/

I lost literally all of my childhood. I wasn't allowed any of the normal experiences that children have, like not even watching cartoons or playing with popular toys, or having birthday parties, for the most part. Everything I did was censored and I lived in a bubble. For 14 years. Some of those years being much more horrific and disturbing than others.
So I wouldn't expect any differently from myself as an adult than wanting to do those things that I missed out on now! I still watch stupid and childish stuff (mostly on Youtube now though), I still have stuffed animals and cute things, like that kitty mug and hair scrunchies I showed you the other day, and I still love to have birthday parties, even though on my next birthday I will be 29!
This past summer, I took a day off from work on my friend's birthday and went to Six Flags with my friends lol. It's good to have adult responsibilities and long-term goals too, but you can still be silly and have fun sometimes! Like I said, it's all part of the healing process, and it will make YOU feel good, even if other people don't understand

I'm here for you if you ever need to talk about these things one on one. I really love reading your posts and I care about you and will always support you. We often seem to be on the same wavelength too!

Thanks so much Luca! I really appreciate everything you said I'm glad that you feel less alone! I'm really glad that you do fun things and buy fun stuff for yourself! I think it definitely is part of the healing process and you should never feel ashamed of doing what makes you feel better!

I always enjoy reading your posts too and I'm glad you feel like we are on the same wavelength!

I hope that you will have just the best possible time on your 29th birthday. I think everyone here would agree that you definitely deserve too. In the meantime, I hope there will be plenty of fun things on YouTube, funky hair scrunchies and kitty mugs!

And do feel free to message too if you want to need to talk about these things!

 

[Luca]

Thanks so much Luca! I really appreciate everything you said I'm glad that you feel less alone! I'm really glad that you do fun things and buy fun stuff for yourself! I think it definitely is part of the healing process and you should never feel ashamed of doing what makes you feel better!

I always enjoy reading your posts too and I'm glad you feel like we are on the same wavelength!

I hope that you will have just the best possible time on your 29th birthday. I think everyone here would agree that you definitely deserve too. In the meantime, I hope there will be plenty of fun things on YouTube, funky hair scrunchies and kitty mugs!

And do feel free to message too if you want to need to talk about these things!

Thank you so much, I'm glad I've been able to help you and I'm so glad we've crossed paths!

 

[Owliet]

Why can’t we be our own parents for a change?

Most of us are adults here. No need to keep the umbilical cord wrapped around our necks.

We can still love them, that is normal. But we can also acknowledge that maybe we know ourselves better than they will ever choose to know us.

To my parents - I love you, but screw off. I have my own life today.

Yeah, that is a healthier way of thinking about these kinds of things.

This is what we should try to do as we forge our own paths in life.

My mom will say a lot that she knows me better than I know me and when I was younger that would be very confusing because it was like I didn’t know myself. But I do know myself, there are things that my mom doesn’t know about me and so she is wrong.

 

[MildredHubble]

Thank you so much, I'm glad I've been able to help you and I'm so glad we've crossed paths!

I'm very glad we crossed paths too Luca!