To tell or not to tell?

[UpAllNightReading]

Since I realized days ago that I'm an undiagnosed Aspie, I've shifted between two strong polar opposites: to keep it a secret from everyone except to those most closest to me, or to just be open about it and tell everyone that I'm an Aspie.

• The former fits in well with my desire for privacy.
• The latter speaks to my desire for people to understand me.

But I'm afraid that by telling a lot of people, I'll be viewed differently and ostracized or pitied. I'd hate either option, because I've experienced both. I think pity was worse. Still, I might be willing to live with these reactions in exchange for better understanding of who I am and why I do what I do.

I've only told four people in my life so far: my wife, my mother, my best friend/coworker and my sister. My wife and mother are supportive and want to learn more, my best friend doesn't think it really matters as I'm still the same person, and my sister just dismisses the idea entirely that I might not be 'normal' (I just let it go rather than try to argue the point). So it's been mostly positive with those closest to me, but I don't know how well it would go for others.

Luckily, I don't have to worry about losing my job, as I run my own webdev business, but I do have to consider how I come across to my clients.

Please, tell me how your experiences have been by telling people, so I can get a better sense of what I should do.

 

[UpAllNightReading]

I should also mention that I've done a pretty good job of convincing people of my 'normality' over the years, but anyone who's known me long enough knows me as quirky.

My mom calls me a late bloomer, which is really just a euphemism to explain why it took me so many years to get off the ground, both professionally and personally. But I've always been embarrassed of all those years that I struggled between wanting to shut myself in and get on with having a family and good career. Luckily, I look younger than my age, so I didn't look too much older than the other students when I went back to school, and I was able to avoid most uncomfortable questions about big gaps in my employment during job interviews later on thanks to my perceived age.

So I have a conflict between maintaining the version of me that my friends and family perceive, and the version of me with all my faults and false starts over the years. It's exhausting sometimes! No wonder I like solitary activities to unwind.

 

[Judge]

Simple "rule of thumb" many of us abide by.

"Need-to-know" only. Think about it before telling anyone, regardless of how close you consider them to be to you.

 

[Myway]

I only tell people who I feel deserve to know. What I mean is, I don't go around and scream to the world that I am an Aspie. I am very selective with who I tell. I don't think it is wise to tell people a lot no matter how close they are to you. I have friends who don't know I am autistic and then I have friends that do know. I prefer to keep quiet about certain things.

 

[Ste11aeres]

There is some extra hostility out there towards "self-diagnosed" Aspies. Some people think that the person is full of themselves and just trying to appear extra special. Just something to bear in mind. The people closest to you are less likely to think that since they know you well enough to know when you are speaking sincerely.

 

[Mia]

There is of course the idea that when you tell someone, they are unfamiliar with autism. Few people ever fully understand what the disorder is about, all the old cliches come to mind which I won't repeat here.

It's the concept itself of a developmental disability that I first struggled with, for both my husband and myself who is also on the spectrum. I agree with Judge, it has to be on a need to know basis.

 

[donn]

There is some extra hostility out there towards "self-diagnosed" Aspies. Some people think that the person is full of themselves and just trying to appear extra special. Just something to bear in mind. The people closest to you are less likely to think that since they know you well enough to know when you are speaking sincerely.

If you're "too functional" those closest to you are sometimes even less likely to believe you. I've had pretty much every one of them come back and eventually say, "Nah - you can't have it, you're too good with people. No no, we don't care about any other signs outside of extreme awkwardness and shyness."

 

[Progster]

I tell people on a need-to-know basis, so very few people know about it. If I tell people, there's the danger that they will judge me by it and it will change my relationship with them, or that they won't take it seriously. For me, it'a a very private matter. Those who know are generally quite supportive of me.