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Today I feel like giving up

Mattymatt

Mattymatt

Imperfectly Perfect
I just feel like quitting ... like tossing in the towel on life completely. I had to cancel the security guard training class I was going to take because I need the money right now to pay a cell phone bill, for gas, and for groceries. Since things got so desperate, I went to my state's Department of Labor where there was a staffing outfit looking for people for their Amazon contract. I have a choice between the warehouse in North East, MD and Wilmington, DE. I know that Amazon is most likely the worst place for someone with Autism to work but I feel like I have to try it because beggars cannot be choosers. I am not in a situation to be selective. The location in Wilmington will be too physical a job for me and the location in North East, MD requires me to learn how to operate a picker and forklift. Given that I had trouble driving a belt loader up to an aircraft, I think I am setting myself up for failure trying to operate a forklift but I need money so badly that I just have to try. The worst thing that can happen is they can me and it will just be another setback.

Tomorrow I will make the drive down to the Amazon recruitment center and hopefully Integrity Staffing will offer me a job. Amazon is a sweatshop that just chews people up and spits them out, whether it is working a forklift or picking items and loading them into a tote on a conveyor belt. I know that it will be noisy and overwhelming but necessity is forcing me to do this. I know you guys will be telling me not to do this and you're most likely right but I have such a sordid work history that I literally have to take anything I can get and hope to make it through. I just feel like crying ... a 40 year old man-child just crying his eyes out because the deck is so stacked against him and it is not for lack of trying.
 
Don't lose heart Matt - you're one of the good guys - we all know that here. Shame that you won't be able to do the security guard training for now, but if you get the Amazon gig you'll only have to stomach it till you've raised the funds again then you can get out of Dodge.
Amazon don't have a great reputation but the fact you're willing to try it is a testament to your grit and determination to get your life back in order. You can come vent on here after every single sh**ty shift if you want - you know we won't mind and more than that - we'll understand!
 
Autistamatic said:
Don't lose heart Matt - you're one of the good guys - we all know that here. Shame that you won't be able to do the security guard training for now, but if you get the Amazon gig you'll only have to stomach it till you've raised the funds again then you can get out of Dodge.
Amazon don't have a great reputation but the fact you're willing to try it is a testament to your grit and determination to get your life back in order. You can come vent on here after every single sh**ty shift if you want - you know we won't mind and more than that - we'll understand!
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Thank you for those kind words! You don't know how badly I needed to hear them. Amazon is tough for neurotypicals, let alone the neurodiverse. Tomorrow, I will wake up at 8:00am and be out the door promptly to make the drive. I will go in with a positive, can do attitude and hope to at least land the job. Of course, I will give it my all and let the cards fall as they may.
 
Mattymatt said:
I just feel like crying ... a 40 year old man-child just crying his eyes out because the deck is so stacked against him and it is not for lack of trying.
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You struggle so much. Me, too. There is no shame in crying. I do it, too. Mostly in my car. I often want to give up, too.

Do you have even one person that can support you? That can make so much difference, even one single soul. Even if it's an animal.

People here care about you and I hope you feel that. I might be on a run and literally think about the people on here and hope they are ok and not suffering the slings and arrows of Life.

Hang in there, Matty. I have hung in there a long, long time and intend to just keep on hanging.......Let's hang together with all the others here, hanging....:-)
 
Thank you, @OkRad. I decided not to fight the tears anymore; let them come. I literally don't have anyone else to help. I am on my lonesome so it's nice to have Autism Forums ... it makes me feel less alone. There is a neighborhood cat who is friendly so I will probably sit outside and pet him. At the very least, his purrs will help.
 
Crying doesn't make you a man-child. Most people cry when they hurt enough. You're in a really tough situation and I would probably cry, too -- or at least I would want to.

I admire your strength and determination. I hope you can hang onto hope until you catch a break.
 
Matt, listening to your struggles over the past year...frankly you come across as one tough dude.

With such resolve things will eventually pan out for you. ;)
 
I've worked for staffing agencies and they always give the best jobs to single males , so you have options. If nepotism isn't one of them, register at all the staffing agencies in your area. You have years of experiences, so march down there and tell Integrity Staffing what you are good at doing. Don't just take the job they advertised, they probably have something more suitable. If you impress them with your confident can do attitude, you can work as much as you want while trying out different things until you find something you like. Anyone who can stick to a health plan and work off 80 pounds can stick to this job hunt until you get the right result. And find that cat! Purrs and cuddles really helped me through this particular challenge.
 
Yup I agree with and echo all the above supportive sentiments and totally agree with John Wayne. You've gotten back on the horse more than most would even try too and you need to recognize that's one of your strengths. Plus I wish you'd get another cat- I know you can't live happily without one :) But seriously, we are all your friends on here and care a lot about you and wish you success! Keep you eye on the prize as they say !
 
I know the feeling of wanting to throw in the towel too.
But, we all keep hanging in. Having no one for support is the real bummer. I've no one either.
Sixty years old and no family. Never had to live like that before.

Be with that cat.
I know it seems weird to most, but, I have some little creatures that I look forward to being with at dark.
Tree frogs. I keep potted plants and places they like to live in around the pool here.
I have 8 currently that make it thier home.
Just cleaned up the area they like to stay in today.
I feed them at night. Watch their antics. They really do have smart personalities and I recognise
each one and name them. They like to play leap frog with each other and they remind me of how
a kitten does when you pet it. They like to be tickled and they play with my fingers, roll up and hug them
with their hands and arms, gently chew around on my fingers.
Sounds gross to many I'm sure. But, as Hermit says: "It isn't easy being green."
They are just different. They are still playful and smarter than most can know.
Crazy Frog Lady...:frogface:
 
Don't give up man.

I had this same feelings for years-long but now It seems that my life is finally changing.

If I can do it you can too.
 
Janet said:
I wanted to be a child psychologist throughout my teen years so that I could help children who were as painfully shy as I was.
The craziest irony is that, had I majored in psychology, I probably would have recognized the ASD symptoms I had! And I probably would have been an advocate for children on the spectrum.
Click to expand...

Something I read in another post made me think that instead of the heavy lifting and operating heavy machinery that tends to get away from you, and wasting time and money training for jobs that aren't going to last, perhaps you should try something that interests you. You also mentioned in a previous post that there should be more child advocates to help children on the spectrum who are being mistreated the way most of us were when we were little. I'm not talking driving screaming special ed kids around in a school bus, more like pushing papers as a watchdog in a nice quiet office advocating quality control for teachers and parents and medical professionals. If there is nothing like this or some other suitable sustainable job in your area, expand your search, be nomad.
 
Matt, please keep us posted as to how you're doing on the job. I'm new here, and reading through this thread, you sound like a remarkable person. - Janet
 
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