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Tonite.... hey, you aren't really there for me...

Aspychata

Aspychata

Serenity waves, beachy vibes
V.I.P Member
So tonight, l emailed my mom, told her about my three friends that validated me. It felt so great to say, l have friends, l DON'T depend on you or your feelings about me. Hey, l am accepted, and l am important. What do you need to tell your parents? At some point you have to accept the truth that your family isn't there for you, and you need to scramble for some true friends. It's a hard realization, and you can't sit in denial!

But l felt so empowered and that l mattered. My mom basically made me feel small and insignificant, but l grabbed my existence and refused to accept her storyline. It has been more of a absent mother.
 
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Tonite, l needed to accept that l have zero family support. They are bots. It's less painful to think of them as bots. It's hard to accept that you may not have *true* family. I am not waiting for your acceptance anymore. I feel free. I don't need you to validate me. I have never been able to say that. But once l said that, l freed myself.
 
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@Aspychata , refusing to accept other peoples narratives about oneself is truly important. I accepted the narratives of others and internalized all the wrong messages. Only after meeting accepting people was I able to take control of my narrative and grow. First many decades ago to gain the companionship and intimacy I deserved and now, more recently, to relinquish the hold my past had upon me.
 
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After the death of my brother, my father, and then my autism diagnosis, and how they dealt with it versus how I dealt with it, what was said, etc. it became quite clear that what is left of my family I choose to ignore at this point. A part of me does not harbor ill feelings, a part of me does, but either way, there's a disconnect and a lack of wanting to understand each other. My family has some deeply seeded cognitive biases that don't allow them to see another perspective, or so it would seem. In retrospect, it's a good thing my parents practiced "skillful neglect" and forced me to be as independent, as possible. They literally taught me not to depend upon other people. As a result, I haven't spoken to them in years. Sure, I had some degree of guilt initially, mainly because I had this idea that family is supposed to be there for each other, but sadly, not in my case. There was a level of toxicity that I just couldn't have in my life anymore. I am happier and less stressed without them in my life.
 
I've often felt like I was a problem for my family because they wanted to own/control me without having to care about me. Often I felt that they saw me as a threat. I tried to find the middle ground for years, and now I wish I hadn't. It was mostly a waste of time. It doesn't improve, they can't change and I eventually inevitably get sucked in the toxic cloud (maybe it's a childhood feedback loop that gets activated in my brain...)
I've met complete strangers who have shown more interest in me than they do. Thankfully, you can choose your friends.

It's too bad adults have feelings for their parents even when their parents are a negative presence in their life. There should be some kind of final exam to be taken when your kid is 18 to determine whether they should keep in touch with you or not.
 
Aspychata said:
At some point you have to accept the truth that your family isn't there for you, and you need to scramble for some true friends. It's a hard realization, and you can't sit in denial!
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Family is a choice and True friends are hard to find.

Good for you for staying true to your own narrative about yourself. Parents can be tricky because they know our triggers so well. What I'm reading in your empowered post is that you didn't allow yourself to be triggered--you broke out of the cycle of guilt and condemnation. That is amazing. You should be proud of yourself, and you are.
 
Own or control me without having to care about me as @Sasha22 says is something we should apply as a litmus test to everyone in our life. I don't know why it has so easy for me to stay in denial in relationships with family and boyfriends that some how they will do the right thing and be caring, when this simply isn't going to happen because they aren't wired this way, or they feel they need to show no caring feelings. This hump has been tough to jump. Thank you everybody, this was a huge realization l had. And @Metalhead jumping thru his mother issues kinda of pushed me thru.
 
Aspychata said:
Own or control me without having to care about me as @Sasha22 says is something we should apply as a litmus test to everyone in our life. I don't know why it has so easy for me to stay in denial in relationships with family and boyfriends that some how they will do the right thing and be caring, when this simply isn't going to happen because they aren't wired this way, or they feel they need to show no caring feelings. This hump has been tough to jump. Thank you everybody, this was a huge realization l had. And @Metalhead jumping thru his mother issues kinda of pushed me thru.
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This makes me very sad. My relationship with my spouse is caring. I cannot understand how it could be otherwise. I know in the past that I thought that I was not a normal male, so if what you describe are normal males, then I remain happy that I am not one.
 
Gerald Wilgus said:
This makes me very sad. My relationship with my spouse is caring. I cannot understand how it could be otherwise. I know in the past that I thought that I was not a normal male, so if what you describe are normal males, then I remain happy that I am not one.
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I think you're drawn to what is familiar to you, so if you were raised to think you don't matter/exist as a person, it's not surprising you'll be spontaneously drawn to people who treat you the same way as an adult. I don't think that's "normal" males, just some people, whatever the gender... Also, I think two-people interactions require both parties to play their part - so, if I expect to be treated like nothing, and I meet someone who is ok with treating me like nothing, that connection can get established.
 
Yes, we can become attached to those who mirror our parent figures, it's stepping back and stopping that pattern which is important. It's catching it, acknowledging it, then identifying it when it reappears and not going down that garden path. I just stopped seeing a guy after 4 dates, because that path felt familiar that he was going to treat me the same way. This happened this year. I de-attached with no resentment, just no, l refuse to engage in this pattern.
 
Aspychata said:
Yes, we can become attached to those who mirror our parent figures, it's stepping back and stopping that pattern which is important. It's catching it, acknowledging it, then identifying it when it reappears and not going down that garden path. I just stopped seeing a guy after 4 dates, because that path felt familiar that he was going to treat me the same way. This happened this year. I de-attached with no resentment, just no, l refuse to engage in this pattern.
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That's so strong, I'm proud of you.
 
Just call heartless people bots, don't give them any names that attach real human beings, they are bots, plain and simple.
 
Aspychata said:
So tonight, l emailed my mom, told her about my three friends that validated me. It felt so great to say, l have friends, l DON'T depend on you or your feelings about me. Hey, l am accepted, and l am important. What do you need to tell your parents? At some point you have to accept the truth that your family isn't there for you, and you need to scramble for some true friends. It's a hard realization, and you can't sit in denial!

But l felt so empowered and that l mattered. My mom basically made me feel small and insignificant, but l grabbed my existence and refused to accept her storyline. It has been more of a absent mother.
Click to expand...
Yes it makes me sad about my mother too
I have always wanted a mother and a mother's love
But I think I have really given up on it now
Because my whole family dynamic has upset me, I am family oriented and wish I had a together and loving family who could support me.
I would want a mother who showed me love and compassion and support during hard times but
It is just not the universes choice for me.
 
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