Too guarded to open up

[Nervous Rex]

When I was first diagnosed with autism, the counselor I was working with mentioned that he wanted to understand why I was so guarded. I didn't think much of it at the time and we never dug into it, but I have thought about that comment over and over since then.

I have realized that I am very guarded. I keep very tight control of what I let other people know about me and how much of my personality I let show. I have rules for when to allow people to see certain aspects of my personality and how much to show them. For example, if I want to see if someone new will understand or appreciate my sense of humor, I will start with a pun or comment so subtle that, if they don't get it, we can continue the conversation uninterrupted. That's my way of "testing the water" and seeing if it's safe to show my sense of humor to someone. And I keep track of who it's safe to talk about what around. But the very fact that I go through that means that I am very guarded about my sense of humor.

It really hit me today. We have mandatory diversity training at work and we have diversity groups that anyone can join. There is a group for people with disabilities and some autistic people in our company have joined that group. Putting aside the questions of whether autism is a disability for me and - if so - how much of a disability, I considered joining the group. I found that simply considering the possibility of exposing such a private thing to a large group of people filled me with dread and anxiety - and that's for a group that is supposed to be all about acceptance!

I have told all my family about my diagnosis (how long it took me to tell my family is a whole nother story about how guarded I am), I told my friends, I told everyone at my church, and I told my direct bosses. But each of those disclosures came only after much evaluation and a deliberate decision to trust.

So, I assume that being guarded means being untrusting. I think that I always look at the worst possible response and don't trust others not to do that. Even on this forum, I am careful about how much information I expose about myself.

My best guess is that this comes from the environment I grew up in - one where anyone that isn't perfectly normal and popular is ridiculed and ostracized. One where I have seen over and over that showing the least bit of weakness leads to someone taking advantage of it.

I'm not sure how to overcome this cynicism or how much of it I should get rid of. I know that we all mask and maybe I have made masking a core part of my behavior.

I guess my experience today just highlighted for me how much "being guarded" drives all my interactions.

 

[Outdated]

I'm possibly a little too open but I was always like that, long before I knew anything about autism. It's just a part of my character. I certainly spent plenty of time pondering the same issues at different stages of my life.

For me part of it is simple obstinacy, I like who I am and I refuse to let anyone try to alter that. I do get burned by people from time to time but I refuse to let that change who I am. By being so open and friendly is how I've met so many wonderful people throughout my life, that wouldn't have happened if I'd let the bullies win and changed who I am.

There's another moral aspect to it too, in general you should give people the opportunity to do the right thing by you before believing that they will be bad. Innocent until proven guilty.

 

[Twilight]

I'm very guarded. I'm not sure how much of that is related to autism and how much of it is related to CPTSD. Offline, I'm a very difficult person to get to know. The only people who know about my autism, for example, are family members. I never told an employer. Family doesn't know about hardly any of my trauma although I'm thinking about telling my brother one of these days. He's worthy of my trust. When I told my mom something in the past, she made it all about her and made invalidating comments later on. I also confided in the elders in my church about some of my trauma once as an attempt to be shown mercy and was still publicly denounced and shunned. I guess my point is that, through experience, I've learned that I prefer being guarded over experiencing more trauma or the secondary wounding that can come from being invalidated.

I also deeply value my privacy. For example, I don't really get the concept of funerals. When I mourn, I like to do so alone and in a way that's meaningful to me. Perhaps most of this comes down to being an introvert. Extroverts tend to have very different needs and find different things meaningful.

My overall point is that it's okay to be guarded. If you feel like it would benefit you to be less guarded, you could take baby steps towards gradually branching out and opening up to new people.

I don't think that there's a moral aspect to all this. There's no "should" about it in my opinion. People have the right to open up (or not) however much they want to. We aren't morally obligated to share stuff with people except under very specific circumstances which aren't applicable here.

 

[Fino]

I'm uncomfortably open but quickly become guarded if someone responds in a way that I don't like then remain guarded around those people.

 

[Progster]

I'm pretty guarded, too. I'm a very private person, I don't talk much about my personal issues.

 

[Sasha22]

You often cannot control the consequences of telling things about yourself to others, so it is a risk. The more you feel that you have at stake, the more stressful that can be. Also, once you get yourself out of your own head, it can lead to change - other people will give you their perspective, some of it might not be what you want to hear, some of it might lead to change, which can generate anxiety too. It might feel easier to sit alone at home and avoid people altogether - but it doesn't sound like that's what you're doing.

showing the least bit of weakness leads to someone taking advantage of it.

It's often the case, one way or another - but showing yourself doesn't have to be a sign of weakness. Establishing that perspective is up to you to a large extent.

In my experience, getting to know myself "in the world", who I am in social contexts rather than who I think I am - so, the "battle-tested" version of me - has been pretty challenging, but a lot more interesting.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I too, am a private person, in many respects. It takes me a long time to really open up to people, sometimes years. Part of it may be, as others have suggested, part of the autism experience. The communication and socialization difficulties, it may be a general lack of interest in other people, it may be past experiences with toxic, abusive people, it may be a recognition of our social naivety and resultant anxieties and distrust of people, etc. I am sure a lot of things go into why a person can be guarded.

On the other hand, personally, I am openly autistic with my family, co-workers, and students. So, from that perspective, I am allowing people to put my interactions with them into context. Now, whether or not they choose to like me or not, that's on them, but I refuse to let them hold any power over me.

Anxieties and fears are part of the autism experience, for many reasons. However, we cannot let this hold power over us. It holds us back on several levels. The better approach would be to acknowledge it's presence, but also have the self-discipline to push it aside and do what is right for ourselves and others we care about, whatever that may be. When things are important in terms of duty, responsibility, justice, accountability, etc. whatever you are feeling needs to be tempered, if not prioritized, with reason and logic.

You can maintain your personal privacy, but don't close yourself off, either. You can have fear and anxieties, but don't let it hold power over you. There is a balance that needs to be maintained.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

When I was first diagnosed with autism, the counselor I was working with mentioned that he wanted to understand why I was so guarded. I didn't think much of it at the time and we never dug into it, but I have thought about that comment over and over since then.

I have realized that I am very guarded. I keep very tight control of what I let other people know about me and how much of my personality I let show. I have rules for when to allow people to see certain aspects of my personality and how much to show them. For example, if I want to see if someone new will understand or appreciate my sense of humor, I will start with a pun or comment so subtle that, if they don't get it, we can continue the conversation uninterrupted. That's my way of "testing the water" and seeing if it's safe to show my sense of humor to someone. And I keep track of who it's safe to talk about what around. But the very fact that I go through that means that I am very guarded about my sense of humor.

It really hit me today. We have mandatory diversity training at work and we have diversity groups that anyone can join. There is a group for people with disabilities and some autistic people in our company have joined that group. Putting aside the questions of whether autism is a disability for me and - if so - how much of a disability, I considered joining the group. I found that simply considering the possibility of exposing such a private thing to a large group of people filled me with dread and anxiety - and that's for a group that is supposed to be all about acceptance!

I have told all my family about my diagnosis (how long it took me to tell my family is a whole nother story about how guarded I am), I told my friends, I told everyone at my church, and I told my direct bosses. But each of those disclosures came only after much evaluation and a deliberate decision to trust.

So, I assume that being guarded means being untrusting. I think that I always look at the worst possible response and don't trust others not to do that. Even on this forum, I am careful about how much information I expose about myself.

My best guess is that this comes from the environment I grew up in - one where anyone that isn't perfectly normal and popular is ridiculed and ostracized. One where I have seen over and over that showing the least bit of weakness leads to someone taking advantage of it.

I'm not sure how to overcome this cynicism or how much of it I should get rid of. I know that we all mask and maybe I have made masking a core part of my behavior.

I guess my experience today just highlighted for me how much "being guarded" drives all my interactions.

I am guarded too in some areas, some areas I am really open about feelings with people I trust.
But some things I can be more private about and shutdown because I get nervous being open about all things.
But I also think sometimes people get sick of being people's counsellors and being negative all the time.
But I am open and as honest as I can be with some people.