Touch starved with touch aversion?

[TearfulSolace]

So im pretty upset at the moment so this post might be a little hard to follow.

I am asexual with a history of abuse. I do not enjoy sex, I hate it, borderline disgusts me. I am also descovering myself to have touch aversion. Like touching accedently while sitting next to soneone im mostly ok, but hugging in general or cuddling from anyone including my husband is getting increasingly irritating. We almost never touch now.

That being said he is very physical. I personally think he has a sex dependency. Hes always grabbing for me, when were in bed he drapes his arms and legs over me "cuddling" and "just holding" me but it makes me feel trapped for one, and second it irritates me to the point of anger or anxiety. He feels like I dont love him anymore and actually accused me of "youre only here because you have no where to go and youre just using me til you find something better."

But then some days I come hone from work and I WANT to be held. I want to lay my head in his lap and have him pet my hair or rub my back. (I'm hesetant to be physical because I dont want him trying to turn it sexual.) I REALLY want to be held. I crave it. I do. But when i want to be held I'm scared to ask because he always tries to push it further or takes it as an invitation.

He doesnt understand. We had a huge fight this morning about "you dont want to be touch but you want to be touched!" And stuff like that.

I'm just now descovering the possibility of autism, and I feel it matches my quirks pretty well. But I dont know how to explain them to someone who thinks my anxiety is made up. Like I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses and lying when I explain it to him. But I just know he wont understand... And I'm so upset and I feel like he doesnt try to understand.

Please help me find a good way to explain to him... Im not sure I understand myself how I can be touch starved and have aversion to touch at the same time....

 

[TheFreeCat]

I am an abuse survivor and I hate to be touched. I cannot stand it even if people bump into me. I don't want drs touching me. I do not even like to touch myself (non sexually). I hate that I am in a body.

And yes, there are times I would love to be cuddled.

However, I can never be in relationships because even if someone understands, that won't matter. It won't matter if your husband understand, because he still has needs.

If someone told me they could no longer provide me with food, that all the food was gone, I might understand, but the need is still there.

I would never survive such a situation and I feel for you because i am also an abuse survivor. In your case, you will almost have to make compromises. There is no other option.

 

[Bedlamite]

First and fore most, Welcome to the forum! You will definitely find some comfort and above all, advise or at the least some suggestions.

I can only relate to you what I have experienced with my wife. We have been married for over 45 years. She too was "violated" when in her teens. She has sex issues also, maybe not quite like yours but once, early in our marriage, she confided in me about what she experienced during a teen. I was understanding, continued to love her unconditionally, and when she needed it - I gave her, her space.

Have you discussed this problem with your husband? Have you sought any counseling or is this your first effort at reaching out? I also am a victim of Aspergers Syndrome and I do realize that these types of personal issues can be extremely difficult to share. But rest assured, you have a very friendly and informative community on this forum. Again, Welcome!

 

[Graphin]

I have no experience with relationships (except closely experiencing 4 failed ones from my parents) or even cuddling. Can't understand how people base relationships on sexual stuff.

However, I can never be in relationships because even if someone understands, that won't matter. It won't matter if your husband understand, because he still has needs.

It looks to me like saying that all husbands want sex, pretty sure that's false. Though good luck with finding and distinguishing asexual people. "You just haven't had the right one surely I would be better"

As for the things @Bedlamite mentioned - how would he feel when you have an obsession with shoving your finger into his nose?

 

[Judge]

It makes no sense- to much of any Neurotypical person.

Yet it makes total sense to so many of us on the spectrum of autism. That we have a love/hate thing going on with human contact in general. Where we can crave human contact, and yet be repelled by it. And in the span of time. And the same can be said for human touch as well. Yes- there's nothing consistent about it.

However "it is what it is". Very precarious to most any emotional and physical relationship. Requiring the giving and accepting of affection on our terms more than theirs for it to work in the long term.

Where for many this may be "hard-wired" into us neurologically. With a few having the capability to alter such behavior. Or not. This is the world we live in. Very perplexing at times. And very difficult to explain outside of our own ranks.

While I can't say whether you are on the spectrum or not, it's just one of many considerations making it quite a challenge for a mixed relationship between one who is Neurotypical and one who is Neurodiverse to thrive.

 

[TearfulSolace]

Oh. I wasnt expecting such nice replies. Ive also joined a facebook group recently for adults with autism and everyone ive met has been so kind in this community sharing experiences.

Have you discussed this problem with your husband? Have you sought any counseling or is this your first effort at reaching out?

Hes aware of the abuse but doesnt understand how it effects me so many years later. Ive been getting progressivly more and more touch averse over the last year so hes well aware that I "just dont want to be touch right now please stop" or "I just need some alone time please leave me alone" but he thinks me overloading and wanting to be alone is actually my depression and so he refuses to leave me alone because he thinks I'm about to hurt myself when i want alone time. Which then just stresses me out more but no matter how much I plead for him to go away he refuses saying "you dont actually want to be alone. Thats youre depression talking."

As for counseling? No. I want to. I know i need it. But idk how to vet started. Since i dont like people im not sure how ill do sitting in a room with a sttanger whose whole purpose is to judge and disect me....

 

[Graphin]

It makes no sense- to much of any Neurotypical person.

Yet it makes total sense to so many of us on the spectrum of autism. That we have a love/hate thing going on with human contact in general. Where we can crave human contact, and yet be repelled by it. And in the span of time. And the same can be said for human touch as well. Yes- there's nothing consistent about it.

However "it is what it is". Very precarious to any relationship.

This is the world we live in. And very difficult to explain outside of our own ranks.

Just like with cats or many other not very social pets! Though I've only seen a few people being good with cats

 

[Bedlamite]

As for counseling? No. I want to. I know i need it. But idk how to vet started. Since i dont like people im not sure how ill do sitting in a room with a sttanger whose whole purpose is to judge and disect me....

Perfectly understandable! This particular time is a little slow on the forum because some folks here are diverted conducting other business. Have heart. Others will chime in with friendly advise. Don't give up hope!

 

[Judge]

Just like with cats or many other not very social pets! Though I've only seen a few people being good with cats

Cats can be great companions.

Especially when you deal with them in as much as is possible on their own terms.

Small wonder there's that saying, "Dogs have masters; cats have staff".

 

[Fino]

So im pretty upset at the moment so this post might be a little hard to follow.

I am asexual with a history of abuse. I do not enjoy sex, I hate it, borderline disgusts me. I am also descovering myself to have touch aversion. Like touching accedently while sitting next to soneone im mostly ok, but hugging in general or cuddling from anyone including my husband is getting increasingly irritating. We almost never touch now.

But then some days I come hone from work and I WANT to be held.

Have you had these problems in the past and they resolved and now are coming back?

What does "borderline disgusts me" mean?

Have you ever had therapy or taken medication in the past?

Have you noticed any precipitating factors for when you come home and don't want to be touched and when you do want to touch him? Such as something at work, a good day or bad day, etc.?

Sorry if one of these was answered somewhere and I missed it.

 

[Mycroft.Holmes]

Hi,

A relationship between someone who is Asexual and someone who is not is always complicated. I am also Asexual and have a difficult relationship with romantic entanglement. I have analysed it a few times and came to the conclusion that they are mostlikely not a thing for me, I am fine with that conclusion. But I am very much aware that other people do have a desire for it.

Having a completely different sexual drive than your partner is a issue. It can make the relationship uneasy but with good communication It can be overcome. I assume you do love your husband and he loves you so that is great. I recommend reading about relationships between Asexual people and people who have desire for it. Sexual intimacy is important for certain people to feel loved.

In one way or a other there has the be a compromise in dealing with it. I highly recommend good communication and explaining your needs.

Anyway, I got sidetracked. Welcome and hope you enjoy your time here!

 

[Pats]

I always try to look at things on both sides. His side being possibly feeling rejected, which doesn't feel good for anyone and eventually you stop trying in fear of rejection.
I can mostly empathize with you, though, knowing exactly what you are talking about. I think part of the reason his touch is becoming more unwanted is because you DO know what he's leading up to. Does he hold your hand or just sit next to you and put his arm around you when he's not wanting sex? If that's where it's always leading, I can see your aversion, especially since you've gone through the abuse. Dealing with the past abuse is something you need help with to over come it.
Age also plays a role. I believe many of us on the spectrum are slower developing sexually. Not to mention our personal space being invaded and all that.
I also don't like being touched - accidently, doctors, whatever. I did get to where I enjoyed physical contact with the opposite sex, but hated kissing. I'm 61 and divorced so I'm done with all that stuff now , but I do remember well from my teenage years to now as far as all this stuff goes.
I hope you can find some answers which help.

 

[TearfulSolace]

Have you had these problems in the past and they resolved and now are coming back?

What does "borderline disgusts me" mean?

Have you ever had therapy or taken medication in the past?

Have you noticed any precipitating factors for when you come home and don't want to be touched and when you do want to touch him? Such as something at work, a good day or bad day, etc.?

As I am trying to become self aware and accept myself and learn myself, I have notices little things about myself. I have hated sex since probably 2014. And ive always been weary of touch because hes so sexual. So ive always kindof avoided his attention if I could. But its getting worse.

I now have issues with hugging friends and family, eye contact with co workers is hard, etc.

"Borderline disgusts" means what it says. I have some days that the though of sex actually gosses me out. I cant even say the word out loud. It feels gross when I say it or talk about it.

Ive had anxiety meds at 2 different times in the past but i struggle to remember to take it so i end up stopping.

The only thing i can think of is SOME of the days I want to be held are TERRIBLE work days. Meaning something made me cry or angry and I come home and just curl up next to him with my head on his leg and cry while he pets my hair. BUT as soon as I calm down hes trying to squeeze me or whatever and so I get up and leave...

I highly recommend good communication and explaining your needs.

Ive told him how I feel about sex. How it makes me uncomfortable, and all he says is "you shouldnt be uncomfortable with me." Same with the touching. I would LOVE to hold his hand, lean into him, just have his arm around me, etc. But he always turns it into more....

I can mostly empathize with you, knowing exactly what you are talking about. I think part of the reason his touch is becoming more unwanted is because you DO know what he's leading up to. Does he hold your hand or just sit next to you and put his arm around you when he's not wanting sex? If that's where it's always leading, I can see your aversion.

No. Simple answer. Weve had this fight a hundred times. I tell him I want his hands on my sides and my back, neck or head, even most of my legs are ok. Over and over I have tried to set those boundaries. But he doesnt listen. Be says "we shouldnt bave boundaries".

 

[Pats]

You will need to be careful about how you say it, but you need to let him know that a little bit of intimacy without the sex might make you feel closer and then might would enjoy sex more. But he's taking the pleasure of intimacy away from you by turning it into what you don't want.

 

[Autistamatic]

It's very distressing to hear of your problems in this area and I hope we can help in the long term.
I really think that seeking professional help via counselling or therapy is vital to coming to terms with your feelings here and couples counselling might be worth considering too.
Whilst we have little to go on regarding you being on the spectrum, the first thing that comes to mind for me, based on what you've told us so far, is PTSD. For that you really would need to seek help, but that help can sometimes transform your life.
There are plenty of people here who have been abused physically or mentally, and PTSD has been discussed here many times. I'm not telling you that is the root of your discomfort, but I think it's a possibility worth investigating.
There needs to be some understanding in the meantime though, and rowing about it will only make it worse.
Both my wife and I are very sexual beings, but there are times when one of us is unwell and it may go weeks or months without intimacy, but neither of us resents it. There has to be respect for the needs of both sides, and cajoling you or pointing out contradictions in your psyche will not achieve that.
It's also possible to be very sexual but still have issues with touch as well as have no touch sensitivities but have no interest in sex. We are all wired differently. The trick is finding someone with similar attitudes, or finding a compromise you can both live with.
Sex with an unwilling partner is not fulfilling and is selfish. Even within a marriage, non consensual sex can be considered rape. I doubt you or your husband would like to consider him a rapist, but if things don't settle down you could well end up feeling that way. Get some professional help either on your own or together before it gets that far.

 

[TearfulSolace]

let him know that a little bit of intimacy without the sex might make you feel closer and then might would enjoy sex more. But he's taking the pleasure of intimacy away from you by turning it into what you don't want.

I think it might be started that way but its worse now....

Whilst we have little to go on regarding you being on the spectrum, the first thing that comes to mind for me, based on what you've told us so far, is PTSD.

Sex with an unwilling partner is not fulfilling and is selfish. Even within a marriage, non consensual sex can be considered rape. I doubt you or your husband would like to consider him a rapist, but if things don't settle down you could well end up feeling that way. Get some professional help either on your own or together before it gets that far.

I'm not sure if its ptsd. But maybe.

Ive had the thought. Pleading with him to leave me alone... But idk...

 

[SunnyDay16]

I hate to say this, but I don't think he's someone you should be with.

 

[Graphin]

The only thing i can think of is SOME of the days I want to be held are TERRIBLE work days. Meaning something made me cry or angry and I come home and just curl up next to him with my head on his leg and cry while he pets my hair.

I think I may be experiencing something similar sometimes

 

[OlLiE]

without wanting to be cruel,
your text is entirely from the perspective of 'I' and 'my needs'
being married means finding a balance between 'I'/'my needs' with 'us'/'our needs'
you are married,
the situation has changed, you said you want less and less physical contact,
it is normal that you want to be understood and respected,
it is also normal for your husband to want an explanation for why things are changing,
otherwise you are not giving him the same respect and understanding that you demand for yourself

 

[Autistamatic]

Pleading is unlikely to get you anywhere, and will likely make your situation worse. I hate to say it, but I think this situation is more than you can handle alone. The sooner you seek help the easier it will be to mend.