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Traumatic memories

Basically l realized that l have triggers, then l recall incident, then l become extremely despondent and then l want to numb myself because l feel so sad and so triggered. It's a cycle. Just recently, l told my SO that l was triggered, this set me off, and l am separating you from this, l am not upset you, l am distressed at being triggered, and it causes me to be agitated, and work thru not having a meltdown. It's a big trigger. It was a relief to handle it in a mature manner. This particular trigger causes extreme anxiety also.
 
Yes the way the brain processes trauma, or doesn't is already being used in designing appropriate therapies, many of which use physical actions rather than talk, to help the person progress, like tapping, where the person gently taps themselves alongside certain things they want to say, and Eye movements, watching a light or object move from side to side.

It sounds extra hard for you, @Ken, sounds like you get triggered fast. But from other things you've said, I have the impression you do also have an adult take on the issues that were traumatic for you, where you understand articulately why and how these issues were problematic and wrong. So it's like there is an adult standing alongside the child part, when he gets triggered so fast. That's got to be progress. He's got a friendly guardian.
 
The anxiety can be rough to deal with. Do you know when you are in a ptsd breakdown, and are you able to acknowledge this quickly?
 
Happens to me momentarily whenever I can't find my car in a parking lot. Momentary panic of car theft that happened decades ago. Some unknown thief cost me a great deal of grief and trouble for a long time.
 
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I have really strong triggers that just involve where ĺ live. Some are missing stuff like my wallet, phone, extreme heat, vandalism, being drugged, just a few.
 
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Ken said:
Saw this article and thought I would share.

https://www.livescience.com/health/neuroscience/traumatic-memories-are-processed-differently-in-ptsd
I have several PTSD's from events in life that were catastrophically traumatic. Any memory trigger hits like a bolt of lightning inflicting mass panic with the same intensitity as when it occurred decades ago.

It does seem to me that these memories are processed differently.
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I have many triggers that cut me deep.
I wish the pain would go but something keeps rubbing it in my face
But I have had flashbacks too mainly it is to the feelings, I cam remember them and they were very painful for me but I am proud of myself for my bravery in handling them best I could.
At least people who have trauma can be proud of themselves for the bravery they had to get through it, replacing the shame with I'm glad I had the resilience to get through it or push through it bravely
Trauma can teach you lessons and help you be more resilient.
Buy it can be a long process to find healing.
 
Aspychata said:
The anxiety can be rough to deal with. Do you know when you are in a ptsd breakdown, and are you able to acknowledge this quickly?
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Oh, yes, if I understand your question. I know the triggers and diligently work to prevent them. There is no mystery or surprise.

The PTSD is due to witnessing the murder of my very close best friends. I don't believe this is curable or treatable, because I loved my friends. I never want to forget them. I can not imagine ever being numb to their murder. As such, this is a permanent PTSD that I have to accept regardless how painful it is.

The triggers are anything to do with cowboys or cowboy life; including country & western music or anything with a hint of it. And yes, I wouldn't call the trigger quick, it is instant and violently out of control extreme. Typically, it is a frantic bolt, running far away until I am out of range of any perception of the trigger. I just know that I can't be around anything even hinting the subject of the trigger. Being born and raised and living in Texas makes that difficult, but I have gotten pretty good at it.

I guess what makes this so extreme is that those friends were the only people I ever felt real love from. No family member has ever even come close. So I cherish that love. I can't imagine anything worse than watching someone you love and who loves you being murdered. I cannot and never want to ever forget them. (You have no idea how hard it was just to write this.)
 
Writing it out, talking about it, this is important. I find that the more comfortable l am with triggers, the better it is. These friends that loved you, wouldn't want you to stop living your life to the fullest. Sorry that you witnessed this, l am sorry you lost the dearest best friends ever. And yes, l totally agree, there are far too many of the not so great people everywhere. Have you found a counselor to help you process and try to work thru your feelings? Only answer if you wish. Again, l am very sad that you witnessed this.
 
My triggers nowadays result in a depression. They revolve around a time when I was isolated and, so to cope, denied my sexuality. I feel worthless and undesirable and sometimes will lash out at people who awaken this in me and it hurts my spouse who sees an injury that won't heal. This despite confronting other triggers of my failures when young and eliminating them.
 
@Gerald Wilgus you seem very desirable with all the fantastic things you post. Could you maybe let go of this. And realized you matured into a caring sexual and loving person along your journey? You are no longer that young man anymore. Maybe have a party, celebrate letting that part of you who no longer exists and let that go. You have emerged. Say adios. Eat something really spicy. :)
Light firecrackers, bust a piñata. Whatever it takes.
 
Ken said:
Oh, yes, if I understand your question. I know the triggers and diligently work to prevent them. There is no mystery or surprise.

The PTSD is due to witnessing the murder of my very close best friends. I don't believe this is curable or treatable, because I loved my friends. I never want to forget them. I can not imagine ever being numb to their murder. As such, this is a permanent PTSD that I have to accept regardless how painful it is.

The triggers are anything to do with cowboys or cowboy life; including country & western music or anything with a hint of it. And yes, I wouldn't call the trigger quick, it is instant and violently out of control extreme. Typically, it is a frantic bolt, running far away until I am out of range of any perception of the trigger. I just know that I can't be around anything even hinting the subject of the trigger. Being born and raised and living in Texas makes that difficult, but I have gotten pretty good at it.

I guess what makes this so extreme is that those friends were the only people I ever felt real love from. No family member has ever even come close. So I cherish that love. I can't imagine anything worse than watching someone you love and who loves you being murdered. I cannot and never want to ever forget them. (You have no idea how hard it was just to write this.)
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Triggers are conditioned reflexes. They are generated in a very deep portion of our brain as a survival mechanism. "X" happens, and because it is perceived as a life-threatening event, from then on, anything closely related to X sends you instantly into survival mode. You are also constantly on edge, looking for X. It happens much faster than the rest of the brain could evaluate the event and decide. This is great if X is a hungry predator or an artillery barrage. It is not so great if you live where life and death threats are extremely rare and innocent events with a superficial similarity to X are common.

Some people are more prone to PTSD, either through their upbringing or through genetics.

I have a nephew who came back from Iraq with PTSD. One time, a sudden loud noise caused him to hurl himself over a handrail to cover his wife. He weighs over 200 lbs, and she weighs close to 100. Broken ribs resulted.

The good news is that any conditioned reflex can be unconditioned. A lot of money has been spent on it in the last 30 years, and we have gotten good at it. The military claims its best success with gradual exposure therapy but there are several approaches.

I don't think your friends would want you to have a PTSD trigger to remember them by. They'd rather want you kicked back, listening to C&W and reminiscing about good times.

https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments
 
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Ken said:
Oh, yes, if I understand your question. I know the triggers and diligently work to prevent them. There is no mystery or surprise.

The PTSD is due to witnessing the murder of my very close best friends. I don't believe this is curable or treatable, because I loved my friends. I never want to forget them. I can not imagine ever being numb to their murder. As such, this is a permanent PTSD that I have to accept regardless how painful it is.

The triggers are anything to do with cowboys or cowboy life; including country & western music or anything with a hint of it. And yes, I wouldn't call the trigger quick, it is instant and violently out of control extreme. Typically, it is a frantic bolt, running far away until I am out of range of any perception of the trigger. I just know that I can't be around anything even hinting the subject of the trigger. Being born and raised and living in Texas makes that difficult, but I have gotten pretty good at it.

I guess what makes this so extreme is that those friends were the only people I ever felt real love from. No family member has ever even come close. So I cherish that love. I can't imagine anything worse than watching someone you love and who loves you being murdered. I cannot and never want to ever forget them. (You have no idea how hard it was just to write this.)
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It sounds like it is not just ptsd that you are dealing with, but also grief, even complicated grief or even complex, prolonged grief, which is considered a separate disorder to ptsd. I'm so sorry for your loss and ongoing trauma issues!

I can deeply empathize about the trauma and ptsd as I also have complex ptsd and I have grief from estrangement from one of my children, but, to lose your best friends in such a way and in front of you! I cannot even imagine how horrible and traumatic that must of been and continues to be!
Sending sympathy empathy and compassion your way @Ken
 
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Aspychata said:
@Gerald Wilgus you seem very desirable with all the fantastic things you post. Could you maybe let go of this. And realized you matured into a caring sexual and loving person along your journey? You are no longer that young man anymore. Maybe have a party, celebrate letting that part of you who no longer exists and let that go. You have emerged. Say adios. Eat something really spicy. :)
Light firecrackers, bust a piñata. Whatever it takes.
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Thank you very much @Aspychata , you bring some sanity to my mind that wants to be irrational. You are right. I have had to overcome deficits when I did not recognize the extent of their influence on my life. I need to be happy that I persevered and transcended those deficits. I need to give myself permission to forgive myself for failing at being normal. Maybe celebrate by being in a playful mood with my spouse since she finds that desirable. I think tomorrow I will prep and bottle hot sauce from very ripe Jalapenos that have been fermenting for 5 months.
 
I find it strange about what traumatises me and what doesn't. This probably emphasises the fact that I'm not normal. Part of this will be due to my autism and part will be because of the age at which I was exposed to different traumas, children process things differently to adults.

When I was 13 one of our friends was beaten to death by the local cop. The cop was a sociopath and because Henry was black he could get away with it, that's the way the world was back then. When my father wanted to know why me and my sister were so upset and I explained it to him he got angry and yelled "What's the matter with you? It's just a boung.".

At age 15 another mate was abducted, tortured, and murdered, because he looked like he might be gay. He wasn't gay, he was an albino and it looked like he'd dyed his hair. He was only 17. They pushed a glass bottle up his arse and broke it inside him and watched him bleed to death before dumping his body off the side of the road up in the hills.

Emotional situations between friends and family cause me great trauma but I seem completely unphased by extreme violence. The world seems to have largely forgotten but I still keep watching what's going on in Ukraine. Stories from the front line don't bother me at all but a story about some old ladies in England knitting teddy bears for the children made me bawl my eyes out.
 
@Gerald Wilgus , it would be a pleasure to meet the new you. Not the past you. You have matured into the caring compassionate person you now are. By letting go of the past, you acknowledge your maturity to move on and (love the good, the bad, even the ugly) of you. Nice to meet the newer version of you. PM me if you visit my area in FL. You have come so far.
 
@Gerald Wilgus it's kinda of what version do you wish to live in? You can live in your past, ( no judgment), or you can live in your software upgrade Gerald Wilgus version 202.
 
Au Naturel said:
I don't think your friends would want you to have a PTSD trigger to remember them by. They'd rather want you kicked back, listening to C&W and reminiscing about good times.
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Yea, sounds good, but I don't think so. There is a lot more to that story. What I posted is not even a good hint of what happened. That's just all I was able to write.

Besides, the PTSD trigger is not how I remember them. I have very fond memories of being with them. The PTSD is only from their murder, not my love and relationship with them.
 
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