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Tried To Make Friends, Told To Get Lost, Basically

The Artistic Autistic

The Artistic Autistic

Member
TLDR: I met people at a park and had a good time talking and joking before randomly being told to get lost.

So I went to the park to try to find someone to talk to and maybe even make a friend. After over an hour of just nervously walking around, I went up to a group of people sitting around a table and on the grass and said hi, explaining that I just moved in a week ago. They said hi back and very quickly we started talking and laughing. They even gave me a cookie too. They also shared some chocolate cake they had and we played some games like arm wrestling or squirting each other with some little water pistols and so on.

After I came back from one of these games with two girls (they chased me around the park shooting water at me), I noticed that the girl who had been the first to greet me at the table was sitting on the grass a way off crying, surrounded by the other girls from the table (there was roughly an even number of boys and girls). I began to get up to go ask her what was wrong before one of the girls who played with me told me not to and that this was a "girls thing." And so I sat down and chatted and joked with the other guys. One of them was even Ukrainian (I'm 3/4ths Ukrainian).

Eventually the girl returned not crying but still very upset and began venting with the group. I asked her if she was feeling better but she said no. Anyways I continued chatting and joking with the boys as the girls went and sat a little ways off on the grass with each other. By this point I had spent an hour with them.

After a while a new girl came, and about ten minutes later she came up to me and asked if we could talk in private. I assumed she wanted to be friends so as we walked I asked what her name was, but she just said "that's not important." Then she said I had to leave because "no one knows you and you're making people uncomfortable." I was incredibly confused, as I literally did nothing at all. I pointed out that I was getting along with people there very well, but she just said it was the "decision of the majority."

So for some reason it seems that some of the girls wanted to get rid of me completely, even though they SPLIT from the group and weren't even sitting with us guys... I don't understand what happened, I got a long great with everyone including the girls.

I just walked away in depression and just sat dejected at home.

After YEARS of loneliness and shyness I finally build up the courage, and this is how I'm treated... I cant even REMEMBER the last time I had the courage to approach a group of people in a non school setting..
 
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I can't decipher what happened but it was definitely weird. Please don't let that one failed episode deter you from trying again. There are many, friendly people in the world but the trick is finding them so you have to keep trying.
 
@The Artistic Autistic

It sounds like you found yourself in a very unique situation where you, a stranger, joined an already formed group of friends who had gone to the park together. I am pretty sure that this is unusual. If this was a social event, a party you were invited to, or a "meetup" it would make more sense, but it sounds like a group of friends was just hanging out together and you joined in. This would be unexpected behavior for young adults at a public park.

It seems like they made an attempt to be friendly and this sent the message that they were welcoming you into their group. I think maybe they were trying to be kind, but didn't expect you to stick around and when you did, they found this somewhat uncomfortable because they didn't know you.

I'm not trying to make you feel badly - if this was just a big social misunderstanding then you are in good company here and many of us have had these kind of social surprises that leave us feeling badly. Maybe you can go for more structured activities where people are attending for the purpose of meeting new people and making friends.
 
I'm really impressed you had the courage to go up and make friends with a group of strangers, that makes you braver than 99% of the population.

How much did you interact with crying girl? Perhaps you accidentally offended this person?
 
I'm sorry you had this experience. Looking at the other side, it probably would have been better if you had 'asked' whether they mind if you joined them. We're not good at reading other people's signals and actions and responses.
 
A lot of people are wary of other unknown people and that is possibly what happened. I wouldn’t take it too personally. At least they were polite about it. It takes time for most neurotypical people to build friendships and trust for full inclusion in a circle of friends.
 
Hello and welcome, and sorry about the experience.

In general, we can't predict how people are or how they approach / react to certain things.

But what we can do, is consider, when an interaction goes awry, if there's a possibility there was a misunderstanding. And here, there's three that stand out for me, and more so in conjunction.


The first one is that is not unusual for those seeking friends - is to do so too aggressively. I don't mean this in the sense of being abrupt or rude, but in the sense of moving along too fast.

Consoling someone who upset is often something that is rather delicate and intimate. If someone I don't know notices that I'm upset, the most I would expect is that they'd ask if I'm okay, and to leave it at that. With a friend or close acquaintance, I may want some time to talk about what it upsetting me, but I might be uncomfortable doing so in the company of someone I don't know as well (casual acquaintance or colleague) and even more so when there's a complete stranger.


The second one is that the wording you used in your narrative suggests that you're a guy.

When a group splits up along (or nearly along) gender lines, crossing over, especially for a guy going over to the girls' group, and more so when he wasn't invited, known to one of them (i.e. as a friend or partner), or there to pass on a message (i.e. we're going to the cafe in a half hour), is going to cause alarm. Why is this guy here and what are his motives?


The third one is that stands out not so much on its own, but more so in conjunction with the other two.

Imagine you're a girl - you're with the rest of the girls in your friend group, trying to console one who is upset, when this guy, whom you just met, comes over and is starting to chat to the the upset girl, who is in a vulnerable state. You also recall that he had invited himself to the overall group just earlier, and after he left, one of the other girls mentioned noticing that he had been walking around the park for a while before inviting himself in. How might you feel?


I'm not saying you did anything wrong, or that you had any ill intent. It sounds like you were just trying to find some folks to fit in with. And putting oneself out there is always a big thing, and I commend you for doing so.

But as Rodafina mentioned, you may find the likelihood of success much higher when you're going to a group or activity that might, by nature, be expecting and welcoming of newcomers.

Consider also activities where you will interact with other people by default, such as volunteering at a community festival, which can also be a great way to learn more about the history and culture of a place that you're new to.
 
VictorR said:
Hello and welcome, and sorry about the experience.

In general, we can't predict how people are or how they approach / react to certain things.

But what we can do, is consider, when an interaction goes awry, if there's a possibility there was a misunderstanding. And here, there's three that stand out for me, and more so in conjunction.


The first one is that is not unusual for those seeking friends - is to do so too aggressively. I don't mean this in the sense of being abrupt or rude, but in the sense of moving along too fast.

Consoling someone who upset is often something that is rather delicate and intimate. If someone I don't know notices that I'm upset, the most I would expect is that they'd ask if I'm okay, and to leave it at that. With a friend or close acquaintance, I may want some time to talk about what it upsetting me, but I might be uncomfortable doing so in the company of someone I don't know as well (casual acquaintance or colleague) and even more so when there's a complete stranger.


The second one is that the wording you used in your narrative suggests that you're a guy.

When a group splits up along (or nearly along) gender lines, crossing over, especially for a guy going over to the girls' group, and more so when he wasn't invited, known to one of them (i.e. as a friend or partner), or there to pass on a message (i.e. we're going to the cafe in a half hour), is going to cause alarm. Why is this guy here and what are his motives?


The third one is that stands out not so much on its own, but more so in conjunction with the other two.

Imagine you're a girl - you're with the rest of the girls in your friend group, trying to console one who is upset, when this guy, whom you just met, comes over and is starting to chat to the the upset girl, who is in a vulnerable state. You also recall that he had invited himself to the overall group just earlier, and after he left, one of the other girls mentioned noticing that he had been walking around the park for a while before inviting himself in. How might you feel?


I'm not saying you did anything wrong, or that you had any ill intent. It sounds like you were just trying to find some folks to fit in with. And putting oneself out there is always a big thing, and I commend you for doing so.

But as Rodafina mentioned, you may find the likelihood of success much higher when you're going to a group or activity that might, by nature, be expecting and welcoming of newcomers.

Consider also activities where you will interact with other people by default, such as volunteering at a community festival, which can also be a great way to learn more about the history and culture of a place that you're new to.
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Yes, as some other people mentioned Ive been trying to find social organisations, clubs, events and the likes to meet new people at. Ive just signed up to audit a college course with this intent half in mind. But as for the girl crying, like I said I stayed at the table and didn't go over to her. When she came back and started complaining I just asked if she was feeling better once before dropping the subject.
 
Something certainly happened within the group: that M/F split and the crying isn't normal. But there's no way to confidently figure out what actually happened or why.

You certainly weren't randomly told to leave.

But does it matter at this stage?

FWIW it sounds like you didn't start by asking them anything about the group and why they were there together.
You should have done that - it's a necessary step when joining a group of strangers.

Without that information there are many ways to inadvertently give offense.
 
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Seems like the boys were fine with you but the girls didn't like it. You might not have done anything wrong, who knows. Give yourself a pat on the back for having the guts to put yourself out there. You took a first step in fixing your long term loneliness and shyness. Most people never even try to change. You're a little rusty.and chose socialising on 'hard mode'. Your inner critic.might start telling you lies about yourself, it's not to be trusted. Almost all of us can relate to a humiliating social experience. This will hurt for a week or two and the sting will fade, until it's forgotten. For now, this will reorientate you on an easier, more fruitful path!.
 
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Mary Terry said:
I can't decipher what happened but it was definitely weird. Please don't let that one failed episode deter you from trying again. There are many, friendly people in the world but the trick is finding them so you have to keep trying.
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thejuice said:
Seems like the boys were fine with you but the girls didn't like it. You might not have done anything wrong, who knows. Give yourself a pat on the back for having the guts to put yourself out there. You took a first step in fixing your long term loneliness and shyness. Most people never even try to change. You're a little rusty.and chose socialising on 'hard mode'. Your inner critic.might start telling you lies about yourself, it's not to be trusted. Almost all of us can relate to a humiliating social experience. This will hurt for a week or two and the sting will fade, until it's forgotten. For now, this will reorientate you on an easier, more fruitful path!.
Click to expand...
The day did end up having a positive end. I gathered up my courage and walked up to two girls and said "Hi." At first they didn't respond and it was really akward (now I realize that saying Hello is better as its less short and sudden), but then we started talking and they were really nice. When one of them she was into girls I said my sister is as well, well one thing leads to another and I ended up hooking my sister with a gf lol.
 
The Artistic Autistic said:
The day did end up having a positive end. I gathered up my courage and walked up to two girls and said "Hi." At first they didn't respond and it was really akward (now I realize that saying Hello is better as its less short and sudden), but then we started talking and they were really nice. When one of them she was into girls I said my sister is as well, well one thing leads to another and I ended up hooking my sister with a gf lol.
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This could have been a disaster, but you "got lucky." Connecting her with your sister could be considered luck, but I think of it as quick thinking.

I always try to stick to groups that have something in common with me so I can join the conversation intelligently. I can't do "cold calls," just don't have the conversational skills. I have learned a bunch of things NOT to do, (hard knocks) though not many things to actually do. It is the curse of autism, not being able to read that secret social code that everyone else seems to understand instinctively.
 
Like the following posts, l think that walking up to a group of people who seem to come off as good friends is an intrusion of sorts in NT world. This seems to be a theme at this forum. In no way did they have to be friends with you. The women call the shots because safety and security are important. You can easily join meet-up groups online who get together and do a variety of things.

Meetup | Find Local Groups, Events, and Activities Near You
 
The Artistic Autistic said:
TLDR: I met people at a park and had a good time talking and joking before randomly being told to get lost.

So I went to the park to try to find someone to talk to and maybe even make a friend. After over an hour of just nervously walking around, I went up to a group of people sitting around a table and on the grass and said hi, explaining that I just moved in a week ago. They said hi back and very quickly we started talking and laughing. They even gave me a cookie too. They also shared some chocolate cake they had and we played some games like arm wrestling or squirting each other with some little water pistols and so on.

After I came back from one of these games with two girls (they chased me around the park shooting water at me), I noticed that the girl who had been the first to greet me at the table was sitting on the grass a way off crying, surrounded by the other girls from the table (there was roughly an even number of boys and girls). I began to get up to go ask her what was wrong before one of the girls who played with me told me not to and that this was a "girls thing." And so I sat down and chatted and joked with the other guys. One of them was even Ukrainian (I'm 3/4ths Ukrainian).

Eventually the girl returned not crying but still very upset and began venting with the group. I asked her if she was feeling better but she said no. Anyways I continued chatting and joking with the boys as the girls went and sat a little ways off on the grass with each other. By this point I had spent an hour with them.

After a while a new girl came, and about ten minutes later she came up to me and asked if we could talk in private. I assumed she wanted to be friends so as we walked I asked what her name was, but she just said "that's not important." Then she said I had to leave because "no one knows you and you're making people uncomfortable." I was incredibly confused, as I literally did nothing at all. I pointed out that I was getting along with people there very well, but she just said it was the "decision of the majority."

So for some reason it seems that some of the girls wanted to get rid of me completely, even though they SPLIT from the group and weren't even sitting with us guys... I don't understand what happened, I got a long great with everyone including the girls.

I just walked away in depression and just sat dejected at home.

After YEARS of loneliness and shyness I finally build up the courage, and this is how I'm treated... I cant even REMEMBER the last time I had the courage to approach a group of people in a non school setting..
Click to expand...
I'm sorry you were asked to leave and that you felt dejected. I honestly wouldn't dwell on it, not the ending anyways.

My impression is that last new person to join in, the one that ultimately asked you to leave is the issue here. Sounds like they don't take kindly to strangers and some people are like that. It also sounds like she's they type that doesn't care about the group and only how she feels and it's apparent she didn't like you because she made the group bend to her will. As the wise poet Marley put it "you can't please all the people all the time". To me if you'd spent what sounds like a good amount of time with the group without issues until that last person arrived, the last person is the issue not you. A group being made uncomfortable by a person does not play games with them and give them cookies and cake.

While the encounter may not have ended the best I'd still take it as a mostly positive experience. You got out of your comfort zone, you interacted with a group of strangers and for a time had fun. It was only that last member that ruined it. Not all interactions are going to end in making a new life long friend. But you got some good experience and you know you can at the very least now approach a group and it won't instantly go bad.

So my advice, don't analyze to paralyze yourself with the end result. Just focus on the good part of that interaction because you did have some fun. And all you can really do is hope the next time goes better.
 
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