Trouble with Telling people that I'm an Aspie

[JDartistic]

Hello, everyone!

I'm new to the forum and just want some advice on whether or not to tell people you're an Aspie.

Once I found out, I told a few friends and my ex, and it sadly just made them more distant...most of them didn't even believe me and completely ignored that I said anything.

Now, when I'm out and meet new people, I hesitate to say anything, but then again, a lot of my failed relationships is based on NTs "trying to fix me" and when they realize I'm un-fixable, they split. At those times, btw, I didn't even know myself what the problem was and blamed myself for everything. Now, I do know...and in my attempt to save my last marriage, I told my ex about my diagnosis...but it was too late.

My last social outing went well enough, but then I blurted something out that was awkward (don't even remember what it was), and then the whole group got silent. I then wanted to ease the situation, and much to my surprise, I actually LIED and instead of saying I was HFA, I said I had a minor stroke and have lost some of my social graces. That went over well and everyone seemed to accept it...but then I got all this smypathy and questions about the stroke, and then I left...and cut all ties b/c I was such an idiot for lying.

Now, I'm just remaining isolated...but that's stupid, too. Thought I'd put this out there...I know this forum isn't very active compared to others, but I'll wait...I hope there are some who have an answer to this serious problem.

 

[MoCoffee]

Welcome JDartistic!

I believe the choice to tell people we have Asperger's is a very personal one and will vary from one Aspie to another. I can't tell you what you should do, but this is what I did. First off, I got an official diagnosis. This was important to me because it really helped to have a doctor back up my diagnosis of Asperger's. I then told my immediate family and gave them some really good websites to go to so they could understand what my diagnosis meant. This opened a channel of discussion and they were able to look at my life and see the evidence both in the past and in the present. They will call me if I haven't phoned or been to visit for a few days, because they know how easily I slip into isolating myself.

I believe that blaming something other than your Asperger's for your social awkwardness will backfire in the end. Once you're found out, you will lose your credibility. It helps me to have a friend or family member with me when I socialize. If I say something weird, they just laugh it off and the moment passes.

Please remember, I am NOT an expert of any kind. I'm just a woman with Asperger's, who wishes you the best.

 

[Ereth]

Hiya, JD!

As Mo said, not telling the truth will ultimately come back to haunt you. But you seem to be aware of this already. What the different reactions to the truth versus your lie tell me is that we still have a lot of work to do in advocating for autism (among other conditions); people understand that a stroke can drastically change a person's life, but know comparatively little about how autism can affect someone.

I'm sorry to hear about what happened with your friends and your ex. Real friends would stick by you, even if they don't understand everything about autism.

Once I was diagnosed a few years ago, I told my closest friends and my boyfriend. All of them have been incredibly supportive since then. My parents are also helping me, but they still have some things to learn (then again, so do I).

I hope that joining Aspies Central will help you learn more about yourself and also provide you with some useful tools in broaching this important subject with other people.

 

[JDartistic]

Thanks for the kind words...

I'm professionally diagnosed, and I'm still not believed...perhaps b/c I'm high-functioning but also older, so most of the autism traits were beaten out of me...in the 60's, if you flapped or spinned, you were slapped in the face and told to stop...etc., etc.

In a weird way, I'm grateful for that, b/c now that I know, I'm not falling prey to what so many others expect...in that I've overcome most of the stigmas on my own and am truly able to function socially...

In a weird way, now that I know the truth (& I recently had a brain scan and all the tests (IQ & otherwise)), so there's no doubt...but b/c I've functioned so well, it just doesn't fly with others...my family refuses to see the truth, and so do my friends. Guess I'm just too high-functioning! but then again, I'm used to feeling...lonely....isolated...misunderstood...

What bothers me now is that I'm feeling a bit victimized...but I'm too old for that! I think perhaps what I'm doing with this information is trying to learn how to be a MATURE AUTISTIC...I have way too much experience in "passing off" as normal...and yet, strangely, I'm okay with that. I do expect more from myself now that I know...but guess I was also hoping for some support...but since that's not happening, now I'm trying to figure out how to face my last Chapter with this knowledge and coping with the rejection of same...

It REALLY bothered me that I lied...so much so, that I freaked out and cut all ties with everyone I know.
That's awful...but I also recognized that it's b/c I went into "victim-mode" (& typical autistic "all or nothing" mode), but I truly hate myself for that. That's why I'm so alone, but I've also had social successes, and that's what I'm trying to enhance, okay?

Honestly, I want to age well, and getting this diagnosis at age 50 -- after your wife tried to "fix" you and couldn't handle it -- then what does that say for us? That's what I think I'm grasping for...a FUTURE...but without this pre-conceived crap that keeps us down!

 

[Ereth]

I do not believe that physical or verbal abuse will prevent autistic habits from manifesting, so do get that idea out of your head. While I am not as mature as you or some of the other people here, I've recently marked my twenty-fourth birthday. It's only been a few years since my diagnosis, so I, too, lived unaware of my differently-wired brain---except for things affected by my cerebral palsy and gifted-level intelligence, that is.

As I said, I think there is still much to learn about autism, and much to teach about it. Many media depictions of it are still either romanticized a la Rain Man (a wonderful film, but one case of autism does not represent the entire spectrum) or made into demeaning, dehumanizing caricature. While there are certain general markers used for basic diagnosis, there's nothing "typical" about autism at all.

We don't need to "pass off" as normal, or be told that we're anything but normal. "Normal" is itself a very vague, personal term, anyway. Learning about our autism has just adjusted and broadened the lens through which we all view life. Don't hate yourself for feeling frustrated at first. Your family and friends will need time to understand. (Perhaps a group discussion led by a therapist might help with that.)

Best wishes.

 

[deema]

Hello, everyone!

I'm new to the forum and just want some advice on whether or not to tell people you're an Aspie.

Once I found out, I told a few friends and my ex, and it sadly just made them more distant...most of them didn't even believe me and completely ignored that I said anything.

Now, when I'm out and meet new people, I hesitate to say anything, but then again, a lot of my failed relationships is based on NTs "trying to fix me" and when they realize I'm un-fixable, they split. At those times, btw, I didn't even know myself what the problem was and blamed myself for everything. Now, I do know...and in my attempt to save my last marriage, I told my ex about my diagnosis...but it was too late.

My last social outing went well enough, but then I blurted something out that was awkward (don't even remember what it was), and then the whole group got silent. I then wanted to ease the situation, and much to my surprise, I actually LIED and instead of saying I was HFA, I said I had a minor stroke and have lost some of my social graces. That went over well and everyone seemed to accept it...but then I got all this smypathy and questions about the stroke, and then I left...and cut all ties b/c I was such an idiot for lying.

Now, I'm just remaining isolated...but that's stupid, too. Thought I'd put this out there...I know this forum isn't very active compared to others, but I'll wait...I hope there are some who have an answer to this serious problem.

Definitely should, yes. While I do not, at all, consider is a disability, it is listed as such in the medical /legal fields. It is always the responsibility of the "non disabled' to adjust themselves to eh "disabled", never the other way around.

 

[RGDaniel]

I told my girlfriend about my AS after a few weeks of being together in-person (earlier we had only talked online). I done that because I wanted to get the right balance between hiding it and just blurting it out on our first meeting. I wanted her to get to know who I was without the 'AS' label above me, then telling her about it later as otherwise it'll leave unanswered thoughts and could create tensions later on in the relationship if she doesn't understand why I do things. In hindsight my girlfriend agreed it was the right way to do it.

 

[Maggie]

I'm married to an Aspies man (and one of our three children is Aspies.) He never told me because.... he didn't know. He also has Tourette Syndrome, also for which he was never given a diagnosis when he was younger. It wasn't until we had children and both of our unique neuro-specialties started popping up in our kids that we started getting dxes and going, "Ohhhhhh..... that's what must be going on with B, too." (Everything from Aspies, to Tourette Syndrome (dh and two kids,) to OCD (me and all our kids) to pain syndromes (me and two of our kids), to Sensory Processing Issues, (me, dh, all the kids) to ADHD (dh and one kid, an other with "ADD, Inattentive Type" etc.)

I'm not one to hide things, although I never said a word about having OCD until I was in my mid 20s. My dh doesn't say much about his Aspies to others. He works in Engineering, so he's in good and familiar company.

We're both seen as that "Weird Hippy Couple" but aside from that, people take us as we are. I don't go out of my way to say much about our Neuro-atypicalness, save the school setting for our children, because they do insist on protocol, and our atypical unique kids don't fit into that protocol very well. So medical diagnoses, with paperwork were needed just so we could explain why our kids weren't exactly like everybody elses'.

Some of us who are older just didn't have dxes back in the day to be able to share. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

It is always the responsibility of the "non disabled' to adjust themselves to eh "disabled", never the other way around.

What does this mean? Like what adjustments?

I just found out that the guy nurse that oriented me on dayshift is probably an Aspie. I had my suspicions because of some of the things he said and did so I just came out and asked him. He said he had not been officially diagnosed but does believe he is. My point is that I don't plan on treating him any different or like he's disabled. I'm going to treat him like anyone else -a person.

 

[kris]

I have had very similar experiences with the few people I've told.. none of them very positive. I think I've sort of decided that it's who I am and that it shouldn't matter. I have definitely quit trying to "act normal" around new people.. especially on dates. I have quirks and if the other person can't handle them then they aren't for me anyhow and might as well find out about it sooner rather than later. So far, so good with that.. I've managed to be seeing the same guy since November.. which doesn't sound very long, but it's longer than anything I've had save my failed marriage and things are going really really well so far. I've just made it a point to be as upfront and honest as I can about my needs and have told him that he needs to be really honest and direct with me. No mention of AS and I haven't felt the need to say anything about it.

 

[Greg]

I don't know that I would tell just anyone. There are a lot of people out there who just don't need to know. I would keep it to close friends and family. Those who hopefully care.