trying to balance my asd + perfectionism + my mum but struggling...

[theporgsnest]

So I guess this has been an ongoing issue for many years now I sit down and think about it - although I'm still not sure whether that's my Aspie brain talking or not. I guess being in lockdown for the past 3 weeks has brought out some things.

Both myself and family know I'm painfully perfectionist. I'm not exactly sure where it stems from but I would guess being what they call a 'gifted child' in school, the child of divorced parents and just always being a people pleaser whose self-esteem is always more or less on the floor.
Anyways I struggle with expressing myself in words just as much verbally so bear with me...

Basically after we were told to stay inside we all had a family chat about being accepting of others in the household having 'off' days and reacting in ways different than they normally would under the circumstances. However things that have happened recently make me feel like no matter my condition this does not apply to me. And I don't mean day to day living but having a brown-out or small meltdown. Admittedly these don't happen all too often but I suppose that's due to me reigning it in - which is good by society standards I guess. I feel like I'm supposed to try and accept my failings and not be completely destroyed by them while also trying to accept my diagnosis of AS.

I impulsively did a thing that was thoughtless and once I realised I was basically an emotional mess because I had screwed up because I had hurt that person unintentionally - which is the story of my life to be honest. Safe to say I had a kind of fight or flight response of needing to get away and hide (does anyone else experience this) and just had an anxious meltdown. Struggling to pull myself out of it I was basically firmly told to 'stop being so anxious' - which is where I come to my dilemma of accepting my condition because although that's how I deal with it afterwards it was clear my mum was angry, or angry because of fear.

The next day I basically felt like I was getting a telling off of how my reaction was not fair (she called it a 'paddy' to which I suppose I could have protested but wasn't really allowed and tbh that would just make things worse even if I did) and didn't allow her to process her own anger at the hurt I caused her. Which i get and said was never my intention. Do you see the problem here? Then I feel like I can't accept myself because my reaction was dirty, bad, wrong even though it was the only way I knew HOW because of the complete and utter emotional distress I felt.

Don't get me wrong - I love my mum and she is not a monster. She is a single parent raising three kids and I am the eldest- so her first experience of a ND child (and second with ASD because I highly suspect my dad is, and as said already their relationship did not end well) and our relationship is a bit fraught. I have hurt her a lot - unintentionally because my brain is an idiot - and feel like sometimes I'm walking on eggshells. I haven't told her any of this bc to be frank I'm scared. I feel like I would be blaming her when we are both in the wrong in some cases. Or is it just mostly me? I want to feel like I can move forward in our relationship but also as a person, independently.
And maybe I should see a professional about my crippling perfectionist tendencies...

 

[Thinx]

It's tough in lock down, and additionally I think it's tough to live at home as an adult. Honestly I think lots will be up against this, not sure it's anything to do with your specific neurology or your perfectionism. However, I think you make a couple of good points at the end of your post, about moving forward independently, and about getting some help to sort out your perfectionism.

Those sound like great ways forward, and sometimes things have to boil over a bit before we get those kind of realisations. 27 was a happening age in my life, perhaps it will be for you too.