trying to be normal

[Cinco]

I always try to be "normal" and by normal I mean a functional and independent adult. But many times I find that hard, and some days (like today) I feel like doing absolutely nothing except sit in my room because I simply feel burned out.

I still live with my family but I try to be as independent as I can. I have my own car, my own job and I even buy my own groceries. But there's still things I need a lot of help with things. Mostly things that require some sort of knowledge or social interaction.
Like for example the other day I was going to buy some new oil for my car. I like cars but I know so little about them, even thought my older brother has a lot of cars and I sometimes help him fix them and so on I have never been able to wrap my head around the technicality of cars. Anyway I went to the clerk and said I needed new oil for my car and he started asking me technical questions about my car but I didn't know what to say. Luckily my brother stepped in and took over the talking. It was very awkward. He also helps me whenever I'm buying something seconds hand like a car since it involves a lot of talking and also some paperwork.
I also needed a lot of help getting a job but I did a lot of that myself with the help of the local government, there was a job counselor there who helped me very much and I don't think I would have gotten a job I like without her.

I feel so childish at times but I really don't know or understand how to act or behave as an adult. Normally people learn this by themselves or at least have someone to teach them but having aspergers it doesn't come naturally and I didn't have a proper father figure to teach me. It's weird because it feels like my friends- some who are younger than me -are growing past me, they're all adults while I still feel like a teenager.

I'm fairly confident most of the time but times like this I start think of the future, one day I'm not going to have my family around. I don't think I'll be able to live all by myself, even thought having my very own place that I can do what I want in when I want sounds very nice, all the responsibilities makes my head spin just thinking about it. So naturally I start to think about partnership, how if I can find a girlfriend who understand me and knows me that would be amazing and I can have someone I can give love and affection to.
But relationships also worries me, especially romantic ones. I don't think I've ever had a girlfriend or even dated, I've had female friends and there's been a few girls that's been interested in me but I have never really broke that "barrier" between just interest and dating, I just don't know what to do. I did meet a girl a year ago or so online who I really like and she likes me too but she lives in another country so we haven't met yet, we just chat and call each other once in a while. But I don't know where I'm going with her or if she even does, I can't tell for sure until we meet and even then I don't have my hopes up. She's very nice though.



Am I just being anxious or is this a normal feeling for people with aspergers?

 

[Markness]

You aren’t alone. We are in very much the same situation. Life is very hard for adult Aspies and we need more awareness of our struggles brought to society’s attention.

 

[Cinco]

You aren’t alone. We are in very much the same situation. Life is very hard for adult Aspies and we need more awareness of our struggles brought to society’s attention.

Well I don't care much for awareness, I just want to know how I can make the best of my own situation

 

[Markness]

Well I don't care much for awareness, I just want to know how I can make the best of my own situation

I feel like both can go hand in hand.

I struggle with car related issues as well. Unlike most American males, I didn’t have a fascination with vehicles. I thought dinosaurs and other things were more interesting. That caught me a lot of flack. If I need help with car related issues, a quick Google search can take care of it usually.

 

[Cinco]

I feel like both can go hand in hand.

I struggle with car related issues as well. Unlike most American males, I didn’t have a fascination with vehicles. I thought dinosaurs and other things were more interesting. That caught me a lot of flack. If I need help with car related issues, a quick Google search can take care of it usually.

God bless the internet
Just hope that you never need a mechanic, those can get expensive

 

[VictorR]

Hi @Cinco! You're definitely not alone, and you've got a good decade on me and I don't even drive, which in the automotive-crazed culture that is on this side of the pond (as @Markness alluded to) is unusual.

That said, I've had a bit of luck with employment, and am grateful for that.

Perhaps I'm speaking only for myself, but something I fear about getting into a relationship is possibly being a burden on the other party. That seems to reflect a lot of life for me, that I often get caught up thinking about and doing things for others, and trying not to be a bother for others, that I don't end up asking myself what do I want or putting myself in the market, proverbially speaking.

Ironically, a selfless person without relationship baggage who is financially independent and doesn't have substance abuse issues is a pretty desirable partner for a relationship.

 

[Aspychata]

Think with our type, we need like a manuel to feel on top of our game BUT it ain't going to happen. You have to dive head in to jobs, car repairs, relationships with a face palm. Then relearn the same mistake a couple of times, then voila, you have graduated to the next game level in life.

 

[OkRad]

You are lucky to live in Norway where you chances of survival are increased. In the US, poverty is a requirement for basic health care if you are not able to work and even if you are able to work, the cost of health care premiums, co-pays, deductibles, etc render all but the most wealthy in a state of concern.

The best you can do is set up a fund for yourself. That is what you need most of all as practical matters are shelter, food, clothing, etc. These are not a given and many an Aspie has ended up in a van or homeless or couch surfing, etc.

 

[Wolfsage]

Think with our type, we need like a manuel to feel on top of our game BUT it ain't going to happen. You have to dive head in to jobs, car repairs, relationships with a face palm. Then relearn the same mistake a couple of times, then voila, you have graduated to the next game level in life.

Then life marks the levels with Roman numerals. Lol.

 

[Thinx]

It's good that you have awareness of the future, you could talk about this with people in your family perhaps? I don't think living alone is as hard as you think though, I am very impractical and clueless, but I always got by. If the water wouldn't heat up, I washed in cold water, until I could get someone to fix it.

When I was really poor, on a low wage and it was cold in my flat, someone at work gave me a heater. People help if you talk to them a bit. But like @Aspychata says, I gradually got ways to cope, worked stuff out. As you say, the Internet is a good help.

The social interaction issues are the most difficult part of what we can be up against, but at least you are aware of that and have had some good help with job finding. Sometimes you can meet friends or partners at a class or interest group, or at work. Or through volunteering. And you already have met a nice friend online. You are doing well, I think.

 

[SusanLR]

Am I just being anxious or is this a normal feeling for people with aspergers?

It was the norm for me. Got to about age 13 and emotional maturation just stopped.
Lived at home all my life even though I had a good job and all the freedom I wanted.
I had to go on disability too soon, so I ended up with no home after my Mom died.
Fortunately or unfortunately, however you may see it, I ended up moving in with an elderly
(grumpy) man who wanted a helper and charges me what I can afford to rent two rooms and a bath
in his large house. Kitchen privileges too.

My advice, if I had it to do over, is find someway to have enough money when you may need it
in the future.
I'm in that lowest income bracket and do get good medical, but, that's all.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

One thing about the ASD spectrum,...everyone is a bit different.

One of the key differences, in my opinion, is the difference between someone diagnosed early as a child versus someone diagnosed late as an adult,...and also a generational thing. My parents were all about life skills and making sure I was an independent person,...even as a small child. Too many modern parents, regardless of having autistic or neurotypical children, are about sheltering their children,...and with that,...not allowing them to do things, make mistakes, and learn life lessons. We had street smarts,...we dealt with creepy guys in white vans,...we dealt with drug dealers, bullies, and played in the street. We worked, had our own money, and were making our own purchases as young children. We rode the bus by ourselves as small children. Our parents had no idea where we were most of the time,...we just had to be home before dark. Now-a-days,...especially in the US,...a child walks 3 blocks to a playground by themselves and some idiot adult is calling the authorities for parental neglect. It's a whole different world.

If your parents were of the mindset that you "needed" help,...they probably just did things for you,...and didn't challenge you to figure things out for yourself and make mistakes. Mistakes are the best learning opportunities. Too many parents don't want their children to make mistakes,...which is actually poor parenting.

Personally, I have this deep need for independence,...or maybe,...because of my social skills, I have simply become independent. Either way, I generally avoid dependence upon other people in my life,...as my personal experience is,...I can't always depend upon others.

So,...your example with the car and the oil,...I will spend hours viewing videos, reading articles, get all the technical details about my car,...THEN go out and get the proper oil.

I learned how to do home wiring and even took an electrician's test before my township would allow me to do it on my own and obtain a permit. I rebuilt an engine. I rebuilt transmission. I've gutted and rebuilt a car. I refinished hardwood floors. I have gutted a home and rebuilt it. I have built a computer. The list goes on and on. NONE of these projects have I had any experience doing before, but like I said above, I will research and research, have my do-it-yourself videos handy, etc.

I am thinking that had you had the forethought to do this research prior, you wouldn't have had these issues. This,...I am thinking,...is not an Asperger's thing,...but rather a life skills thing that affects neurotypicals and autistics alike.

 

[Sarah S]

The best advice i can give you is DONT try to fight against youre diagnosis. The sooner you accept them and youre difrent problems from them the sooner you can start learning how to learn how to adapt to them . I have fought against all my diagnosis most of my life up to adulthood and even i had to one day accept i have them and i just need to do the best i can with them with what i got to work with.

Depending on what diagnosis you have or levels neither one of them means youre doomed to failure. Its just a matter of finding what works best in youre case for you and adapt as best as you can

I may also add that youre still young so you will learn as time goes by to adapt and cope with all this (i have ) so i wouldent worry to much about it all .

The car thing i know MANY guys that dont know diddly about cars so again thats nothing to worry or feel ashamed of

And that you feel youre friends grow past you yeah i know that feeling very well (my mental = Executive age is actually way lower then youres even im between 5 - 9 ) . And again you have nothing to feel ashamed of. neither one of us in here have asked to be born with out diagnosis and i`l be darn the day i start feeling ashamed or feel the need to hide my diagnosis (that will never happen) Either accept me as i am or we can go our separate ways simple as that.

And reg youre GF if youre worried then TALK (if you cant do that write a letter ) to her hon if she loves you she will understand. And inform her about how you feel and what youre worries are and so on in this relatinship

And last as i see youre in our neghboring country from what i have understood we in Norden have it way better with able suport etc.... Then the most of rest of Europe or the world so again i wouldent worry to much about that either and im shore you will someday be able to live alone (be it with extra suport if needed ) so again try to not worry to much and focus more on here and now and make that work for you .