Trying to find my place...

[Miri]

Hi everyone! I'm a young woman in my early 20s who is trying to understand why I feel so out of synch with the rest of the world. It was only a year ago that my mum jokingly said that I'm an aspie because I find it very hard if not impossible to give up my seat at the dining table lol. She was just joking but I started to research the topic and have now read a lot, both online and in books. There are some things that just fits me completely, and it makes me draw a sigh of relief in one way because I like having it explained. But there are also a lot of things that I feel do not apply to me. I've read a lot specifically about women with Asperger's and I really liked the book Aspergirls by Rudy Simone. It almost convinced me that I'm on the spectrum too, but what stops me from being completely convinced is that I don't feel entirely as lost when it comes to friends as many people describe. It seems as though it is taken for granted that you must be so "wierd", or perhaps alternative is a better word, that you have suffered from bullying and had a really hard time being liked by your peers. I was never bullied, thank God. If I'm an aspie I must be really blessed in that area. I never had a hard time making friends in the sense that people have always reached out to me and wanted to socialize with me. The hard time for me was "clicking" with someone. As a child I didn't want to play the same games. I was a little loner who loved to read, and I read one book every day. I didn't enjoy dressing up, or prank calling or putting up a show or anything like that which the other kids seemed to enjoy. Still I got asked almost every day from different kids if I wanted to play with them and I was considered to have a lot of friends. But it didn't stop me from crying because I felt very lonely and didn't feel like I had any friends. I knew I had people to socialize and play with, but it didn't give me the same feeling it seemed to be giving others...

That feeling still stays with me. I'm having a hard time "connecting" with people. I have a genuine love for people in a way, but I can't stand being around them for too long lol. I still have a lot of people who want to hang out with me. But a lot of the time I feel like it's not on my terms? God, maybe I'm just a terrible person who doesn't understand she is very blessed People seem to like me, but I'm finding it hard to reciprocate the feeling. Maybe it's because I get so beyond words exhausted from socializing for too long.

How do you know if you're on the spectrum?! I'll make a little list here with my traits that I feel do apply and the one's that don't, and I'd be very happy to hear your opinion on the matter; could I be an aspergirl?

Makes me feel aspie:
1: I crave a lot of alone time and feel out of synch with others.
2: I have severe sensory issues. Especially with noises, touch and somewhat smells.
3: I've done good academically, but my attendance in school was always rubbish. I'd go for one day and then need to rest for two... It was just too much!!
4: I use repetitive finger patterns to calm down, as well as rocking and humming. (Rocking and humming only when alone though).
5: I can't stand it when someone messes with the order of things in my home, or borrows my phone or laptop, I need to know where they are at all times for some reason that I don't even know.
6: My working experience so far has been bad. I'm a nurse and the hectic days, surrounded with people and noises and running back and forth is killing me. I'm genuinly concerned I might not be able to stand it.
7: I have special interests. Not that quirky maybe, but I did decide from age 7 to read one book a day and I did until the age of 13. Now it is music.
8: I suffer from depression meltdowns as described in Rudy Simones book.
9: I have temper meltdowns too.
10: I'm very truthful.

Makes me question my place on the spectrum:
1: I don't think I'm bad at socializing. It takes a huuuuge amount of energy to interact with others, but frankly I don't think an outsider would have any idea how draining I find it to be. I guess I seem very well adjusted.
2: I'm better than most at reading body language and other non-verbal messages. I've read several books on those topics and I feel like I understand. Also if there's someone in the room with a bad mood, or bad energy as I call it, I'm usually the one who picks up on it first and it affects me very much...
3: Nobody ever complained that I was wierd, and people tend to want to be friends with me...
4: I have some control over my temper meltdowns, truthtelling and self-soothing behaviours. I rarely do it with other people. Except with a few individuals that I really love. There are two people to whom I can never keep anything inside, I just feel so strongly compelled to tell the truth and question anything that isn't "right". It's impulsive and unstoppable with them, but it's not with others? They've also witnessed my meltdowns, but when with others I always manage to surpress the meltdown until I'm alone. I have run out of parties several times and went home and had a meltdown, but still it seems more controlled then it is for a lot of the people I read about?

Thank you for your time, and any thoughts and insight you can offer on this would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely, Miri

 

[balder]

Hi Miri, just like you I don't have a formal diagnosis, though I'm pretty sure I have a disorder. I also realized that this year, after a research into this subject. When reading about that, I noticed that many things I thought were just a peculiarity are actually symptons of asperger. About the depression, it probably happens because we tend to criticize ourselves when we don't understand what's happening and why we can't do some things at all (I had really bad times, specially after realizing I don't do well in college). I hope that reading about it and sharing experiences may help you too, as it did to me.

 

[Miri]

Thank you for your reply!
For me the depression is a bit hard to explain. I know now in retrospect that I had depressive streaks even as a very young child. But when the major depression hit me in my early teens, I think it was due to a death in the family, divorce and illness. So it's hard to know what is what, but I've worked through that but still feel depressed at times... So maybe it's the AS, if I have it?

 

[Kelly]

Hi Miri, welcome to AC I was self-diagnosed for a while but then went for a diagnosis because I just had to know if I was right or wrong, turns out I was right and I read in an aspie book that 99% of people who self diagnose are usually right.

Alot of what you listed are aspie traits but you'd have to seek out an autism professional to find out for sure, the awkward social aspect is an indicator in asperger's but the thing I think makes it different for you is that you are able to socialise you just find it incredibly draining which I don't think most NT people do (I could be wrong though lol).

I think if you want to know for sure then seek out a diagnosis but if your comfortable being self-diagnosed and you identify with aspies then don't worry about going official, your welcome here either way

 

[Christian T]

I'm sure you've just found your place, Miri, so a big welcome to you.

We have a few similar traits, I notice. I also find socialising with NTs highly possible, but very draining, and yes, I do often feel like I have to follow other people's line of conversation, and not socialise on my own terms. I'm often too shy to steer it in a different direction, and people don't really seem to like asking me questions and prefer just to talk about themselves.

I've also had quite a few friends, but now most of them are more like acquaintances as I slide in and out of close social circles. I was never really interested in games after past the point where the imaginative play ended and sports took over - I have about as much interest in sport as most underage people do about linguistics (one of my passions), but that's a socially acceptable pet hate, and sport isn't - so, I much preferred wandering around the school making up imaginative worlds and stories in my head. Teachers often couldn't accept this, so I had to always hide from them in the playground.

Anyway, enough about me. Yes, you clearly are an aspie, to me at least. Nursing might not suit you. How dedicated are you? Would you consider any other profession? If you are dedicated, best of luck with coping with all the overwhelming sights and sounds. If that's your dream job, go for it.

 

[Miri]

Thank you guys!
I am going to try to get a professional opinion. But I don't really trust doctors that much unfortunately. I have a heart disease which I've felt since I was about three years old, but it took me until I was 21 to get a doctor to listen enough to get a proper examination, which shows that I do in fact have heart problems and I'm scheduled for operation now. I knew it all along, but still they wouldn't listen and give me the right diagnosis. And I just feel that the possibility of me having Asperger's is so private in a way, I don't want to share my experiences with someone who won't understand or listen. I also feel that it's very important that I get it right; regardless of whether I have it or not. So I will go, but not until I find a professional who has experience in diagnosing adult women and I also want to read up as much about it as possible

Thanks for cheering me on about my job Christian It's not my dream job though, I wish to work as a therapist which I've known for quite some time so it was always only the first step. Cause over here the road to becoming a therapist is a bit crooked to say the least, but I will be able to get back to school for the higher education in a couple of years, once I've gotten enough work experience. So I might just have to suffer through

It feels really good actually to hear someone say that I am an aspie.. It makes me relieved to have an explanation and I've felt more relaxed in myself since I've started to think I might have a diagnosis. But it has also made my aspie traits take a bigger place in my life! I don't know, maybe it's because I'm finally able to let go of some of the harsh control I have put on myself, or maybe I'm just delusional?! I don't know But thanks for answering and letting me discuss this with you guys

 

[balder]

And I just feel that the possibility of me having Asperger's is so private in a way, I don't want to share my experiences with someone who won't understand or listen.

That's why I didn't tell anyone about that, besides my brother. I don't think telling anyone about that would change anything, instead will make them think I'm "ill" or something like that (yeah, I think most people are this stupid). Knowing that as a way to understand myself is enough for me.

It feels really good actually to hear someone say that I am an aspie.. It makes me relieved to have an explanation and I've felt more relaxed in myself since I've started to think I might have a diagnosis. But it has also made my aspie traits take a bigger place in my life! I don't know, maybe it's because I'm finally able to let go of some of the harsh control I have put on myself, or maybe I'm just delusional?! I don't know But thanks for answering and letting me discuss this with you guys

I think this is a good thing. don't worry about that, I felt the same way. I guess this is the proof that the quote "know yourself" is the best thing we can do. After knowing what my problem really was, I stopped putting so much pressure to socialize or copy other people's behavior and started feeling better just being myself.

 

[Christian T]

Thanks for cheering me on about my job Christian It's not my dream job though, I wish to work as a therapist which I've known for quite some time so it was always only the first step. Cause over here the road to becoming a therapist is a bit crooked to say the least, but I will be able to get back to school for the higher education in a couple of years, once I've gotten enough work experience. So I might just have to suffer through

Ah, I see, well good luck with that. I'd love to be an actor, and the road to that profession is just as rocky.

That's why I didn't tell anyone about that, besides my brother. I don't think telling anyone about that would change anything, instead will make them think I'm "ill" or something like that (yeah, I think most people are this stupid). Knowing that as a way to understand myself is enough for me.
I think this is a good thing. don't worry about that, I felt the same way. I guess this is the proof that the quote "know yourself" is the best thing we can do. After knowing what my problem really was, I stopped putting so much pressure to socialize or copy other people's behavior and started feeling better just being myself.

I was also relieved to find out why I am this way, and accepted the fact that I'm never going to be an NT, and that there's no shame in that at all.

However, I seem to be one of the few aspies who's open about their disorder to just about everyone I see regularly. It's the truth, I've dealt with it so should they. Why should I have to dance around the issue? Everyone can see my unusual ways, so it's not really as if I'm keeping a secret that's that significant. Although, I only tell people after we're reasonably acquainted - it's a horrible introduction "hey, I'm Christian and I have Asperger's Syndrome" that just makes NTs feel uncomfortable - they're very delicate creatures who seize up if they see something that stands outside of their cultural norms.

 

[Geordie]

Welcome, Miri, to our forum AC!

Hopefully you'll be ok with your job.

I think as Aspies, we're perceived, and we do feel, weird. Deviant from others. So here is where we say, oh, we're not alone. We have others who have different but roughly similar experiences as us. We'll do our best to listen, and support everyone here on AC

 

[Miri]

Christian T: Acting, that's exciting Are you well on your way or still starting out?
And regarding being open about the disorder, I feel it will probably be easier if I either take it 100% sure from my own self-diagnosis that I have Asperger's, or if I get a professional diagnosis. But I have talked to a few people about it, and I'm getting sick of them answering "you don't have it!", without even thinking about it? I don't like being disregarded like that, without them taking time to read up about it or listen to my feelings on the subject. I think it's rude to take for granted that just because they can't see that I struggle, there is no struggle inside me... Cause there is. So my plan is also to be open about it later on, I'm not ashamed of any of my aspie traits but I'm a private person in all senses, so I need to deal with it for myself first and not have my emotions so raw before I can let clumsy people in on it

Geordie: Thank you so much I'm already feeling sooo welcome and reading through the threads I love how it's okay to have different opinions here and people are so polite all the time! A lot more polite than on most internet forums.

Can I ask any of you how that is? Because I read a lot of the time that aspies are supposed to be a little rude, even though they don't mean it, but that they/we have an inherent bluntness that makes us rude?? But I see nothing but respect here and from other aspies too, so what is your view/opinion on the subject of Asperger's and being rude?

 

[Christian T]

I'm still in my second-last year of high school, and am very new to do anything professionally, though I've had quite a bit of amateur experience. I hope I can show that you don't have to be a narcissistic extrovert to be a good actor - shy people can still build proud characters.

In answer to your question about bluntness, I think you can be blunt whilst still being respectful. Many of us are brave enough to dive into the dirtier aspects of life if need be - we're like conversational garbage collectors, someone has to do those dirty jobs, and we don't mind being realistic about those aspects of life - but we're still careful to respect other people's views and feelings. When you're talking about the darker recesses of your mind without using clunky euphemisms, you're not hurting anyone. When you're flying high on raw emotion and insulting someone, you are hurting them.

Did that make any sense to anyone? It didn't come out quite as eloquently as I'd hoped...:S

 

[Geordie]

For me, I'd think that everyone is accepted as what we are. So even if we do come across as rude, we'll let it be, but we do know that our bluntness is really not helpful to the atmosphere, we'll let those who are much more direct to know they may hurt others, and so, we'll guide along each other. Hmm, even I have my rude and blunt moments, when I get into heated arguments.

Also, we do our best as a whole, in this forum, to respect the personal spaces of other forum users

I hope you'll find this forum supportive for you, Miri. Nice profile pic that you have.