Trying to find someone who feels like I do..

[Not even human]

I grew up never knowing I was on the spectrum.

I really want to find someone who feels as I do, so I can find someone who understands.

I was diagnosed 6 years ago. People say being diagnosed as an adult made them feel better or improved their lives.

I wish I knew someone who identified with how it was for me.

For me, it was the end of the world. Nothing made sense anymore. I lost all my confidence. I no longer count keep friendships. I started to think about it constantly. For the past 6 years I have woken up every morning thibkib "oh God I'm autistic this is the worst thing I can imagine."

My life is basically one giant obsession with autism and a great deal of self harm, substance abuse, loneliness and trauma over it. Sometimes I cry for days over being on the spectrum. Sometimes I use drugs to try to escape it. .sometimes I want to get into a fight and have someone really hurt me.

I really wish I could just find someone else who understood.

I believe I have some old relatives who are on the spectrum too and I just envy them so much. They were never diagnosed because they lived in an era when the definition of autism was more narrow...nobody called them autistic. It wasn't a thing.

I think about this every day. What if I had been born in 1920? Answer: I most surely would not have ever been called autistic. What a wonderful thing that would have been. To have been born in that era.

If anyone feels like this, i would appreciate hearing it.

The diagnosis made it impossible to ever love myself again.

 

[Sarah S]

="Not even human, post: 656332, member: 23519"]I grew up never knowing I was on the spectrum.

" Same here they dident find this diagnose until (check my Signature

I really want to find someone who feels as I do, so I can find someone who understands.

" We understand NOONE asks to be born or get this or any diagnose "

I was diagnosed 6 years ago. People say being diagnosed as an adult made them feel better or improved their lives.

" To may it does it helps them us to finaly have reason for why we are like we are and have the problems we do "

I wish I knew someone who identified with how it was for me.

" You'd be surprised how many that once felt like you in here "

For me, it was the end of the world. Nothing made sense anymore. I lost all my confidence. I no longer count keep friendships. I started to think about it constantly. For the past 6 years I have woken up every morning thibkib "oh God I'm autistic this is the worst thing I can imagine.

" The thing s NOTHING have changed from before you got youre diagnose youre exatly the same as before "

My life is basically one giant obsession with autism and a great deal of self harm, substance abuse, loneliness and trauma over it. Sometimes I cry for days over being on the spectrum. Sometimes I use drugs to try to escape it. .sometimes I want to get into a fight and have someone really hurt me.

" You really need help so do please try again "

I really wish I could just find someone else who understood.

" As i said were here and we do understand better then you might think "

I believe I have some old relatives who are on the spectrum too and I just envy them so much. They were never diagnosed because they lived in an era when the definition of autism was more narrow...nobody called them autistic. It wasn't a thing.

" I have too (incl my mom ) and the thing is back then being " different " usely ment you were treated as a retard and belive me you DONT want that and it wasent better before trust me on this"

I think about this every day. What if I had been born in 1920? Answer: I most surely would not have ever been called autistic. What a wonderful thing that would have been. To have been born in that era.

" Let me enligtend you of the wonderful life you would have gotten if you'd been born with this diagnose back then a LIVING HELL on earth Poor out on the streets being an oucast shuned by everyone hidden away somewhere in the sewer fighting to survive every day until one day you just die and noone would notice or give a .... Sounds lovely Huh ? "

If anyone feels like this, i would appreciate hearing it.

The diagnosis made it impossible to ever love myself again.

" The diagnose dont have anything to do with youre not being able to love youre self its all up to you if you whant to or not (diagnose or not ) "

 

[Streetwise]

="Not even human, post: 656332, member: 23519"]I grew up never knowing I was on the spectrum.

" Same here they dident find this diagnose until (check my Signature

I really want to find someone who feels as I do, so I can find someone who understands.

" We understand NOONE asks to be born or get this or any diagnose "

I was diagnosed 6 years ago. People say being diagnosed as an adult made them feel better or improved their lives.

" To may it does it helps them us to finaly have reason for why we are like we are and have the problems we do "

I wish I knew someone who identified with how it was for me.

" You'd be surprised how many that once felt like you in here "

For me, it was the end of the world. Nothing made sense anymore. I lost all my confidence. I no longer count keep friendships. I started to think about it constantly. For the past 6 years I have woken up every morning thibkib "oh God I'm autistic this is the worst thing I can imagine.

" The thing s NOTHING have changed from before you got youre diagnose youre exatly the same as before "

My life is basically one giant obsession with autism and a great deal of self harm, substance abuse, loneliness and trauma over it. Sometimes I cry for days over being on the spectrum. Sometimes I use drugs to try to escape it. .sometimes I want to get into a fight and have someone really hurt me.

" You really need help so do please try again "

I really wish I could just find someone else who understood.

" As i said were here and we do understand better then you might think "

I believe I have some old relatives who are on the spectrum too and I just envy them so much. They were never diagnosed because they lived in an era when the definition of autism was more narrow...nobody called them autistic. It wasn't a thing.

" I have too (incl my mom ) and the thing is back then being " different " usely ment you were treated as a retard and belive me you DONT want that and it wasent better before trust me on this"

I think about this every day. What if I had been born in 1920? Answer: I most surely would not have ever been called autistic. What a wonderful thing that would have been. To have been born in that era.

" Let me enligtend you of the wonderful life you would have gotten if you'd been born with this diagnose back then a LIVING HELL on earth Poor out on the streets being an oucast shuned by everyone hidden away somewhere in the sewer fighting to survive every day until one day you just die and noone would notice or give a .... Sounds lovely Huh ? "

If anyone feels like this, i would appreciate hearing it.

The diagnosis made it impossible to ever love myself again.

" The diagnose dont have anything to do with youre not being able to love youre self its all up to you if you whant to or not (diagnose or not ) "

I slightly differ with you on this point he is obviously coping with change and is having severe anxiety doesn’t appear to have been given any !teaching on how to cope with change involving the mind, I am only very slightly different from him ,inasmuch as my mother had to deal with people who were having severe problems and my mother also had severe health problems, it can’t not affect you ,if you’ve never! had that kind of help! it would be catastrophic,It doesn’t work trying to sedate or numb or block out it comes back,You have got to keep looking at it ,if you keep looking at it ,the pain starts to get less and less and less ,it takes an interminable amount of time but it does, I hope he tries mindfulness you can do that alone so you don’t have to go to a group for therapy.

 

[Sarah S]

I slightly differ with you on this point she is obviously coping with change and is having severe anxiety doesn’t appear to have been given any !teaching on how to cope with change involving the mind, I am only very slightly different from her ,inasmuch as my mother had to deal with people who were having severe problems and my mother also had severe health problems, it can’t not affect you ,if you’ve never! had that kind of help! it would be catastrophic,It doesn’t work trying to sedate or numb or block out it comes back,You have got to keep looking at it ,if you keep looking at it ,the pain starts to get less and less and less ,it takes an interminable amount of time but it does, I hope she tries mindfulness you can do that alone so you don’t have to go to a group for therapy.

First its he

And Secondly i understand youre point

 

[Streetwise]

First its he

and Secondly i agree with you and understand

Oh crap thanks

 

[Sarah S]

Oh crap thanks

Youre wellcome (giggles )

 

[Not even human]

Honestly it wasn't horrible and I didn't get called restarted when I didn't have a diagnosis.

I had friends. I had a job. I had a great car that I loved and I went on a great vacation every year.

Was I a geek? Absolutely. Was I weird? You might say so, but not in a bad way. Did I have obsessions? Totally.

But life wasn't horrible


Now I live in a state of constant fear that someone will find out and think less of me for.it or treat me like a child. .I have trouble making and keeping friends because I feel inferior to them now and I worry constantly about it.

What if someone notices I don't make consistent eye contact and that I'm a complete geeks and sometimes sit I a stiff way?

They'll figure it out.

That's. Oh God. Oh God that can't happen .

I realized recelty that there is only one kind of person I am comfortable with: people from other countries where autism awareness is basically non existent. I don't have to worry about them. They'll never think I am autistic.

But I don't see how it could have been worse if autism was never described. My life is a living hell if self hatred and destruction.

Before the diagnosis? It wasn't perfect. But I knew what happiness was.

 

[Illkurok]

Getting diagnosed with autism is not a death sentence. To some people, myself included at first, it can be hard to come to terms with and adapt to it, but it doesn't mean that you're worthless or that others will constantly single you out because of it.

It took years for me to finally be at peace with my diagnosis, it felt good to understand why I had such biased interests and why I thought the way I did with some things.

I don't have friends in this life, but that's more of a personal choice versus people avoiding me. The people that are truly meant to be in your life will take you as you are and still love you as a person.

 

[Sarah S]

="Not even human, post: 656351, member: 23519"]Honestly it wasn't horrible and I didn't get called restarted when I didn't have a diagnosis.

" let me ask you this is people accusing you to be a retard now ? "

I had friends. I had a job. I had a great car that I loved and I went on a great vacation every year.

" You can still have that and its most defenetly NOT that youve been given a ASD diagnose that took that away its you that somehow having trobles in accepting this and most probaly youre anxiety "

Was I a geek? Absolutely. Was I weird? You might say so, but not in a bad way. Did I have obsessions? Totally.

" So nothing wrong with any of that "

" I agree "

But life wasn't horrible

Now I live in a state of constant fear that someone will find out and think less of me for.it or treat me like a child. .I have trouble making and keeping friends because I feel inferior to them now and I worry constantly about it.

" look at my Signature and my diagnosis IM what people would call a retard a weirdo and have been most of my life .What you need to try to do is ACCEPT who you are and try to adapt to it. the more you try to fight against this the more it will attack you /trust me on this i fought against all my diagnosis since i was born and i had to one day accept this what i am and what i got ) "

What if someone notices I don't make consistent eye contact and that I'm a complete geeks and sometimes sit I a stiff way?

" SO ??? As long as they dont say or do anything thats okey "

They'll figure it out.

" Probaly if they know you and know what ASD is

That's. Oh God. Oh God that can't happen .

what are you afraid of that will happen ? if they are youre friends they accept you as you

I realized recelty that there is only one kind of person I am comfortable with: people from other countries where autism awareness is basically non existent. I don't have to worry about them. They'll never think I am autistic.

" And yet here you are talking to me and im most defently ASD as well as all the rest and belive its well known in Sweden were im at "

But I don't see how it could have been worse if autism was never described. My life is a living hell if self hatred and destruction.

" It has nothing to do with youre diagnose my friend its all from youre self and for that you need profetinal help "

Before the diagnosis? It wasn't perfect. But I knew what happiness was.

" NOTHING have changed other then in youre own mind "

 

[Aspychata]

It's interesting how you look at it. I think it is a lot more prevalent then we realise. l see bits of it in other people and how they react or stim. People also have many more issues to deal with; OCD, bipolar, depression, overeating, etc. There are myriads of problems people suffer and deal with on many different levels. So l guess l am trying to say is maybe step outside of yourself and look at the people around you. Alot of them are trying to made due and get thru their day. Maybe embrace that part of you, accept it, find your strengths. Many great writers are on the spectrum. Many computer software coders are spectrum related. In fact if they removed all of us off that are on the spectrum, how many things wouldn't work in offices, theatres, banks, and so on, and so on........

Maybe we should organize and strike, lol

 

[GadAbout]

If anyone feels like this, i would appreciate hearing it.

The diagnosis made it impossible to ever love myself again.

Your degree of self-loathing, also apparent in your screen name, makes it pretty hard to empathize with you. You're autistic. I'm autistic. If autistic people are so disgusting, as you seem to think, then I have to loathe myself too, in order to engage with you.

So I'm not gonna, and I can't imagine who else would want to, either. And this is why you're unlikely to find someone else who feels as you do, and if you do find them, then what? You both can sit in the corner and eat worms together?

 

[Not even human]

This is why I can't let anyone who knows anything about asd get near me. They'll figure it out and immediately realize they are a better person, I'm evil and also I'm incapable of understanding things. I'm like a child. I'm an idiot. I'm not worthy of life.

Why is autism the worst thing a person could have?

Have you ever heard of the Nuremberg War Crimes Tribunal?

The chief psychologist was tasked with one thing:. Figure out what it was that set the Nazis apart. How could they do what they did?

His conclusion was that it was a lack of empathy. That's the only thing everyone in the Nazi leadership had in common.

What is autism?

Not everyone with autism stims. Not everyone has sensory issues. Not everyone has verbalization problems.

Autism is a diverse condition, but isn't there something that united all autism? Isn't there something it always has in common?

Absence of empathy.

 

[Not even human]

Gadabout:. to empathize with me because you're autistic, to be honest, that's why. Nor can I empathize with anyone. Empathy is a concept that our brains are not even capable of understanding.

 

[GadAbout]

Listen, buddy, if you've met one person with autism ... you've met one person with autism.

We're not all alike.

I agree, you don't have empathy. If you did, you wouldn't dismiss yourself, and all of us with a related diagnosis, as sub-human.

I've met some very nice, engaging, wonderful people with autism. I don't hate myself. I like a lot of the people who post on these forums. I like them! I enjoy hearing from them! They are valuable human beings!

 

[Aspychata]

This self-loathing sounds like it may have always been place , perhaps there are other issues that you have buried about yourself?

 

[Streetwise]

Youre wellcome (giggles )

Gadabout:. to empathize with me because you're autistic, to be honest, that's why. Nor can I empathize with anyone. Empathy is a concept that our brains are not even capable of understanding.

your Confusing having empathy and communicating it ,autistic people have it !but ,we find it hard! to communicate it !The problem you have is you have learned a lot from !neurotypicals about !autism !but !you haven’t !learned from !autistic !people Keep reading through this forum you will be shocked I knew very little about autism until four !years ago !but being autistic !meant I researched my brain !out.
I’m a vegan ,part of a vegan Facebook group ,you definitely need empathy for that, I was also part of a group that supported somebody who’s been accused of a crime ,nobody realised I was autistic.
just so you know everybody self soothes what people call stimulation or stimming ,You will notice yourself doing things that make yourself feel better, you just didn’t realise it was autism. get used to not thinking your physical and psychological body will change overnight nature doesn’t work that way.

 

[Kalinychta]

Honestly it wasn't horrible and I didn't get called restarted when I didn't have a diagnosis.

I had friends. I had a job. I had a great car that I loved and I went on a great vacation every year.

Was I a geek? Absolutely. Was I weird? You might say so, but not in a bad way. Did I have obsessions? Totally.

But life wasn't horrible


Now I live in a state of constant fear that someone will find out and think less of me for.it or treat me like a child. .I have trouble making and keeping friends because I feel inferior to them now and I worry constantly about it.

What if someone notices I don't make consistent eye contact and that I'm a complete geeks and sometimes sit I a stiff way?

They'll figure it out.

That's. Oh God. Oh God that can't happen .

I realized recelty that there is only one kind of person I am comfortable with: people from other countries where autism awareness is basically non existent. I don't have to worry about them. They'll never think I am autistic.

But I don't see how it could have been worse if autism was never described. My life is a living hell if self hatred and destruction.

Before the diagnosis? It wasn't perfect. But I knew what happiness was.

Do you feel this way about all autistic people or just yourself? Meaning, do you look down on us, pity us, believe that we should feel deep shame and self-hatred because we are autistic?

 

[leehart]

@Not even human it's vitally important you find a way to make peace with yourself and your diagnosis. Autism isn't a death sentence and need only be a profound negative should you allow that to be the case.
I would strongly encourage you to get to know people here and in the neurodiverse community. You will hopefully come to see that being Autistic isn't an emblem of shame or being less than others but part of the person you are.

 

[leehart]

P.s. it is not the case that lacking empathy is true of all who are Autistic. Some do, absolutely, some have more empathy than those who are neurotypical. I personally (not diagnosed, merely sharing my view)have too much empathy but also none if my moral rules are broken... Now that I am aware of that I can alter my thinking.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

The key to feeling better regarding your situation is to find out why you hate or are embarrassed by the label Autism, and focus on making sense of or remedying that. I mean, why do you see those with Autism as inferior, or those NTs as better? Is it because of any negative societal stereotypes of those with Autism, and suggestions that NTs are better?

I do not see NTs any better than those with Autism, nor worse, as there are good, neutral and bad persons equally in all types of persons, regardless of gender, condition, age, race, national origin, etc. Our oldest Autistic son was told years ago he had Autism, and we made him feel good about it. He feels he is absolutely unique, totally interesting and specially motivated, as that is what we have been telling him as it is the truth.

Yes, I realize stereotypes exist, and I realize you were living a life thinking and feeling for a long time you had no such condition, and that you got that very unexpected news, with you thinking this now changes everything. Well, the only thing that is really changed is your perception now about you, and your perception now of others how they are thinking of you.

You still are the same person, but with extra anxiety and/or depression, yes, but that is because of false premises that you are defined by a label or absence of it. Other people may try to define us sometimes by such, but that is their problem, and I would not want to associate myself with those types of persons anyway; those that prejudge or stereotype like that.

So, in reality those you think are better than you are really equal to you, as you both seem to be stereotyping what is good, great and bad. The only difference between you and those NT others is, like all persons, everyone is different, and everyone has special abilities, limitations, preferences, flaws, thoughts and feelings, so that is how you and everyone differs.

You could, for instance, be more truthful than many other NTs, or you could have a great talent they do not have. You say you lack empathy. Well, at least 70% of NTs lack adequate levels too, from what I understood by past research, and from my dealings with others in this world. There are benefits of having a diagnosis, if you want that truth. But, if you wished you did not have that answer, that means sometimes you are ok with living a lie, or suggests you want to be like others. Some here may be relate; many more do not.

In life, people often are going to be faced with very unexpected or shocking news, which they see at first as negative. After time though, and it can vary from person to person the time one needs to process such or be motivated to deal with that news in better ways, we can choose to still dwell on it and have our health deteriorate, or we can tell ourselves this is not working, and tell ourself we deserve better.

Only when you have a desire to accept that diagnosis, if it is indeed true as many doctors are often wrong in their medical opinions, and you can get an another medical opinion by not mentioning that diagnosis, to see if they agree, only then you can learn to heal and or appreciate such. You are here now, and you want to feel better, so that is a big start! Just like any shocking news you do not want to hear, there can be a step by step grieving process you will go through. That is typical.