Trying to make things right with my Aspie colleague

[BBKL]

Hello all, I’ve have found AspiesCenteral to be helpful already—so much to take in! I’m a neurotypical seeking advice for repairing relations with my Aspie colleague. We used to be great friends, but because I didn’t realize until too late that he was on the spectrum, I did a LOT of things wrong: when he was socially inconsiderate, I’d call him out on it; when we’d disagree, I’d say “let’s sit down and talk this out; tell me what’s on your mind.” He would tell me (correctly) that I didn’t understand his boundaries but when I asked him what his boundaries were, he couldn’t explain and would get angry. We live in the same apartment building and work in the same office block, have many common associates, and encounter each other almost every day, so we are forced to have some interaction. At the moment things are hostile; we don’t speak at all, even when we find ourselves face-to-face in the corridors or at an office party. Now that I am starting to understand his perspective more via resources like this, I would like to have an appropriately-distant but amicable relationship. I believe that he would like that too, but since asking him directly will probably go badly, I turn to you all for some guidance.

 

[Crossbreed]

You sound thoughtful, but nobody here can really offer you a prescription without knowing him personally. The best we could hope to offer is reports of common experiences which he may or may not share.

Welcome to AC, though.

 

[On the Inside]

Hmm.

From my perspective:
I am not the type to be hostile or even mad at people who cross my boundaries/push buttons, I tend to just avoid them and be polite but distant with them if I can't avoid. If the "offender" is subsequently friendly and gives me space, I will resume friendly terms.

I realize this puts more of a burden on others to repair a situation, and is probably the reason I fail to maintain friendships, but there is only so much I can do, and, to be honest, I don't really need/want close friendship that much.

Hope you find the help you want, welcome to AC.

 

[toothless]

hi and welcome to AC BBKL,i think you are a good person for wanting to understand your collegue.
hopefully your friend isnt one of those who holds grudges,as that would make it near impossible to make friends again,but you will need to let him know when hes offended or upset you as being autistic shouldnt mean you are given free reign to offend.

 

[Mia]

Welcome to Aspie Central. One of the simplest things you can possibly do, is apologize.

There are many misunderstandings of Aspies in the world, misinterpretations of our aim or purpose, very often there is no ill intent contemplated.

Requiring him to explain his intent, places the onus directly on him to account for his actions, much like a child being punished (something he's likely quite familiar with if his reaction was to become hostile).

Don't do that, Aspies are horrified at making social blunders and when it's pointed out they withdraw, blame themselves, become hostile, or decamp to a world of known parameters. They find the world of social interaction false and superficial and their logical brains do not see the point in it.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

That's really good that you've come to understand and appreciate the differences we have. It makes me feel better that there are people like you out there who want to right wrongs where there are so many people who wouldn't have the balls to admit they've made a mistake. I think that speaks highly of you as a person.


I'm afraid I offer no particular enlightening information as I don't necessarily face the same challenges as he or other autistic people in the community. What I can say though is be honest, say you've informed yourself and say it from the heart.

Best of luck.

 

[BBKL]

Mia and everyone who has replied: thank you so much, your comments are helping me make decisions here. Mia, your comment about apologizing reminded me of a learning moment I had. After the first fight I had with my colleague, I tried to reconcile by asking him (twice) if we could talk about the fight. At that time, I didn’t know anything about AS and couldn’t understand why that made him even angrier. But here’s the thing: I never said “I apologize” until months later, in writing. That made all the difference: using my words literally and directly, and doing it in writing gave him the time to respond without feeling stressed by the social interaction.

 

[Mia]

That made all the difference: using my words literally and directly, and doing it in writing gave him the time to respond without feeling stressed by the social interaction.

Exactly, many Aspies have 'cognitive dissonance' they don't do well in the moment, they need time to figure out how to respond, and how to piece together what occurred.

Many don't read faces well, so they often don't understand if someone is being insulting, sarcastic, kind, or any of the other myriad facial signals, unless you tell them. Many Aspies stutter or become mute when put on the spot, because they need time to process and respond in the moment, often there's not enough time.