Trying to stay friends after dating or attempting to date

[paloftoon]

It seems that if you date someone and it doesn't work out, whether it was breakup from relationship or no interest after dating, unless the breakup was mutual, it is highly unlike you could becomes friends with that person. Even if you do become friends, you might just say "hi" or casually hang out with them at the most.

Why does this have to be the case? Why can't more people be kinder and closer friends to each other? Why do people's illogical emotions get in the way even if you give enough appropriate space for time to heal all wounds?

 

[Gritches]

Probably because truly mutual breakups seem to be a rarity. In my experience, one party is always scorned by the event leading to the breakup, or there's residual emotions there that people can't seem to keep in check. I've experienced both sides of that coin; girls I've broken up with for whom "let's still be friends" means "I still want your money, or the benefits of knowing you" and then girls who have broken up with me that I wasn't truly over, and they strung me along for a while, using me until I put a stop to it.

Either what I describe is typical or I've dated a long string of sociopaths. Honestly, either way is possible, I'm simply noticing that "lets just be friends" usually means "you're still useful to me and I want you in my pocket."

 

[VJCJ0628]

IDK, I had a girl I dated when I was 17, It didn't work out mainly due to the fact I could not navigate the process, it all was very new to me

Anyway she wanted to remain friends and wanted to talk on the phone hang out all that stuff, I found this very hard to navigate too, Always things would be said or a tough on the arm I found I was always questioning to myself what did she mean by this or that it was very confusing, I feel like it contributed to more depression and uncomfortable feelings and I moved away from that, I can remain friend but not too close

 

[sidd851]

Probably because truly mutual breakups seem to be a rarity. In my experience, one party is always scorned by the event leading to the breakup, or there's residual emotions there that people can't seem to keep in check. I've experienced both sides of that coin; girls I've broken up with for whom "let's still be friends" means "I still want your money, or the benefits of knowing you" and then girls who have broken up with me that I wasn't truly over, and they strung me along for a while, using me until I put a stop to it.

Either what I describe is typical or I've dated a long string of sociopaths. Honestly, either way is possible, I'm simply noticing that "lets just be friends" usually means "you're still useful to me and I want you in my pocket."

Gritches, see my post in "Apparently Im not even allowed...", I'd be interested to hear your response.

 

[DCA]

I just broke up with a woman that wants to continue to be friends. She wasn't ready for what I want. I talked to my therapist about it. I would be fine being friends (I have no close female friends so this would be unique for me), but my therapist stated that yes, going from a romantic relationship to platonic can be tricky & feelings may not be equal. He suggested as soon as you see someone naked in a romantic context, everything changes. He may be right. I intended to text her tonight to see how she is doing, but he suggested I give it more time (like a month). I think it is possible but it may not be immediately easy, & may need some downtime of no contact to let the feelings settle.

 

[Tom]

I never had that experience myself tbh, that is someone wishing to 'remain friends' after a break up. It was always a clean break whether they or I initiated it, but not mean or ugly.

Though after a good ammount of time passed (years) we might become friendly aquaintenances again.

In breakups I found one was usually still attached and any lingering connection just prolonged the length of the breakup blues.