Turning everything into a debate.

[Zain]

My sister and mother both said this to me. To be honest, I agree with them. My conversations usually go like this:
-Person's comment or thought on a topic (usually casual, not interested in a discussion)
-I script a reply, usually one word or a common phrase since I don't care for much of what they say
-Then I try and steer the conversation and intertwine it with something I can relate to and feel I can talk/debate about, starting with "but", or I respond with a question. I don't want to be a smartass, which is probably how I come across. That's why I don't speak often. I don't know how to direct a conversation or respond in any other way. Each time I attempt, I cringe and feel uncomfortable due to how unnatural it is for me and how I'm likely coming across.

 

[Rodafina]

@Zain
Scripting answers and trying to steer or direct a conversation sound like ways of trying to hold on to control. When interacting with other humans, we usually have to forfeit a certain amount of control if we want an authentic conversation. It can be an uncomfortable feeling and the unpredictability of conversing can be difficult to manage. Practice can help and building self awareness (as it sounds you are) is a great start. At the same time, it seems important to not overthink our behavior and psych ourselves out with detrimental thoughts about ourselves.

If we are truly uninterested in what the other person is saying, we have the choice to engage and listen anyway, or disengage from the conversation altogether. I typically choose the former because I never know what interesting things I may learn about the person and I do generally find other humans fascinating. Building your ability to really listen to others can help with face to face conversations.

 

[Trophonius]

Unless it's a debate, and it rarely is, I would dislike it a lot. In fact, is the reason why I don't bother to post on the internet. I remember when I made a comment on Reddit about drinking X brand of bottled water, and it spiraled into a discussion into which brand of bottled water was better, or why tap water is better.

The thing is, I was the same, maybe I am still like that. It only struck me on how annoying I must have been when I was taking an online class, and a girls talked about how she was being interesting in astrology and how she was studying tarot. I remember the teacher said it was very interesting, some people asked that maybe she could do them and reading, and it was all very light-hearted. It occurred to me that, had I been alone with that person, I would start talking about how astrology is nonsense and what a waste of time it must be, despite of the fact that it was not the time nor the place to have a discussion like that.

 

[Masked Man]

The thing is, I was the same, maybe I am still like that. It only struck me on how annoying I must have been when I was taking an online class, and a girls talked about how she was being interesting in astrology and how she was studying tarot. I remember the teacher said it was very interesting, some people asked that maybe she could do them and reading, and it was all very light-hearted. It occurred to me that, had I been alone with that person, I would start talking about how astrology is nonsense and what a waste of time it must be, despite of the fact that it was not the time nor the place to have a discussion like that.

Yes, this is something I've noticed a lot of people do - they tear apart the things that other people enjoy and mock it.

It's interesting that these same people complain about being bullied by others then turn around and do the very same thing that they just expressed they dislike when it's done to them.

Let people enjoy what they enjoy. It's not necessary to tear it down and stomp all over it. Nobody is impressed with how smart you think you are. You are just making them feel bad and no one wants that.

(BTW - not saying YOU do this, just saying that it's not necessary to argue about everything. It's also not a great way to make friends.)

 

[Zain]

Unless it's a debate, and it rarely is, I would dislike it a lot. In fact, is the reason why I don't bother to post on the internet. I remember when I made a comment on Reddit about drinking X brand of bottled water, and it spiraled into a discussion into which brand of bottled water was better, or why tap water is better.

The thing is, I was the same, maybe I am still like that. It only struck me on how annoying I must have been when I was taking an online class, and a girls talked about how she was being interesting in astrology and how she was studying tarot. I remember the teacher said it was very interesting, some people asked that maybe she could do them and reading, and it was all very light-hearted. It occurred to me that, had I been alone with that person, I would start talking about how astrology is nonsense and what a waste of time it must be, despite of the fact that it was not the time nor the place to have a discussion like that.

Yes. I can relate. But it isn't my fault I've not received this feedback until now. This framework is encouraged in places like school and academics, but people aren't taught to socialise so it is hard for us.

Yes, this is something I've noticed a lot of people do - they tear apart the things that other people enjoy and mock it.

It's interesting that these same people complain about being bullied by others then turn around and do the very same thing that they just expressed they dislike when it's done to them.

Let people enjoy what they enjoy. It's not necessary to tear it down and stomp all over it. Nobody is impressed with how smart you think you are. You are just making them feel bad and no one wants that.

(BTW - not saying YOU do this, just saying that it's not necessary to argue about everything. It's also not a great way to make friends.)

You're assuming that most people are doing it to satisfy themselves and their pride and to feel smug. I was unaware of it personally until I had that feedback. Like I said, I had/have no idea how to conversate in any other way yet.
Besides, I'm not talking about tearing anything apart, lol. Just light questions to get better understanding and to make them question a topic or themselves.

 

[Zain]

It's probably why I'm getting closer to my pastor faster than usual. We do the same thing when we talk about theology. I even went to his house and he invited me to coffee, something that's never happened before.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

1. Sometimes simply having that aura that you've "Got yourself together" mentally is a threat to some people, and they might not like you simply because it subconsciously exposes their own insecurities. Who does he/she think he/she is? Immediately, the "walls" go up.
2. Most people have an ego. That ego is often threatened by those who challenge it with questions and different perspectives. Again, it exposes their insecurities and may trigger an emotional response. Using logic with an emotional person is often a recipe for disaster. People don't like to be exposed as incorrect. Sometimes best to keep the peace and keep your mouth shut. Sometimes being right is actually the wrong way to approach certain things. I know, it drives me nuts in a world of misinformation/disinformation. Always a conflict. Do I say something, or just walk away from stupidity? It is often said that arguing with a stupid person is a futile endeavor because one, they don't know they are stupid, and two, they are a lot better at being stupid than you are and will drag you under.
3. I find it quite stimulating to have a good, intelligent, factual, back and forth discussion on a topic. I love this, but finding those like-minded individuals is relatively rare.

 

[Masked Man]

You're assuming that most people are doing it to satisfy themselves and their pride and to feel smug. I was unaware of it personally until I had that feedback. Like I said, I had/have no idea how to conversate in any other way yet.
Besides, I'm not talking about tearing anything apart, lol. Just light questions to get better understanding and to make them question a topic or themselves.

Yeah I was mostly commenting on the previous poster who had mentioned that he thought astrology was stupid and a waste of time although, in his defense, he did not actually make that comment - he only thought about it. Which is better. You can think something is dumb but it's not necessary to voice that opinion, especially if no one asked. Saying someone's hobby is dumb is alienating. Not a good way to make friends.

I actually think that your initial post is fine - because some people will be open to discussing something and others just won't. You never can really tell. My therapist had a term for that - bids for connection - it's basically putting out bait and seeing if the other party bites. If they do, they do; if they don't, then they don't. If they don't it's not necessarily a reflection on you - it's possible the other person was just in a mood that day, or has something on their mind, etc.