I share the same perspective
@UberScout, and have for the majority of my conscious life. Before experiencing major trauma’s, before life was entirely upheaved.. I could never understand the animosity so prevalent, and how it drastically expanded over the course of time, all the while perched atop the premise that society was now more civilized and functional as it advanced into new innovations and adaptations..
I admit, great progress has still been made.. great atrocities in the same.. but I as well feel I idealize a society that might possibly never be unattainable.. and fantasize over the initial wonder and aspirations of Tomorrowland before recognized corrupt apathy, always over and above the nuclear family ideals.
Makes me romanticize places like Sweden, Finland, Australia, even while experiencing the soft filter of being Canadian. I don’t fear death, I naively entertain the serene tranquility never, or excruciatingly rare; to acclaim. That in itself is irrational because there is no peace to experience, none whatsoever.. it’s just an end.
Before having a daughter, I still took it upon myself to do the little I could, to make days better, to help sort problems and issues, to help alleviate burden and stress and rekindle kindness and passion..
I wanted to have an impact, even in my suffering.. I resolved to use anger and frustration that was out of my control and that I could do nothing with but father and expend erratically; to fuel the passion to leave the world more positive than it was my entering into it..
And yes, came to that conclusion by even deducing probabilities of the impact and damage I had had on mine and others lives as a tally of worth, often deriving myself in the great negatives and wanting to bring balance back to those I cared for, for hurting them previously in my attempts to keep surviving..
Stubbornness and coercion from others led to the delay of finally realizing there was issue when even as troublesome as my life had been for me (and still not really), after all I had invested into building myself up, building my wife up, building a future.. and receiving more than I could ever ask for, for all my effort and hard work..
How upon receiving the crowning jewel of my life’s work, my absolutely flawless daughter, how easy and smart she had been for the first two years until my vigor began to wane.. and I realized I was getting worse even though my life was all I could ever dream, so much more than I had ever expected it to be..
I still just.. survived..
I am far better now, and noticably better after hearing so many recount so many vastly similar issues and strifes in their journeys.. from being here I have been more understanding and accepting of myself and better informed of missteps that weren’t before, so noticable.
I am still entirely flustered because I can’t seem to accept that I may be ASD like my daughter, even with the logic of it making far greater sense than anything previously presented to me of it..
Making being truly accepting a bit difficult while I await prognosis of whether that’s the case or whether it’s cerebral injury that’s never been defined to me or even communicated in any sense other than the occurrence of it; or possibly trauma response because of the quoted ‘substantial dramatic instances in childhood’.
I still think greater majority are kind faithful people, just that life gets too busy and involved for some, as it even usually remains such for me; so autopilot is used more oft and even becomes more autonomous than usual, filtering and catering to the needs and requirements of those people as is vital to them at the time, sight of the bigger picture becomes narrower like blinders, and sometimes contaminated by other aspects of such direct focus..
It’s hard to be understanding -and- critical, and I stil find myself stuck differentiating what I should accept and what I should try to change at times..
I hope it gets easier for you and I want to say more.. but I just can’t reinforce it at the moment. You’re not insane, the human race is in it’s whole, you just “care too much” about where it lies, which I just can’t fathom being an actuality.
