syst3mcas3
Active Member
I am not in a state where I have been given a formal diagnosis. Yet, I am very new to the thought of this even being what I may be living with. But I have read a few things here and there on the internet and I really to the fullest extent, can relate with this. TREMENDOUSLY!. LET ME TELL YA ALL ABOUT IT!!!
It made me cry, not because I am sad about it, but I gives me clarity, that THIS IS WHAT THE THING WITH ME IS. MAYBE? I have never felt like I fit in anywhere. Bullied in school, fought back and of course I was in trouble for defending myself all the time, not them for picking on me in the first place (I may be different but I have balls! And I can fight. At least back then lol) I have had so many problems with my family growing up. Years of misunderstandings and lots of abuse. I used to have a few things I did that were kinda odd even to me. Like the thing I used to do when I saw a square or rectangle, for a few years I had this impulse to look at all four corners of it and the can-can song would come into my head as I looked at each of the corners. I used to have to say the name of a person fully. Like, "Hello there, Debbie Carson!", Instead of just, "Hello there, Debbie!"
Anyway.
Things have happened to me that were bad, as a result of too much trust. I had something bad happen to me because I (suppose I could not pick up social cues?) I'd rather not say what it was. It was bad. I also used to have a room mate that would take advantage of me pretty bad in the past. Same thing, but I down played it to my therapist so she wouldn't get police involved.
I won't even go into the trouble I have going out to social places, I have physically shaken on the way to a bar a friend was dragging me to. Even my grandmas friends are kinda annoying to me. I like them very much, but they hit and "buddy-slap" too much, and it kinda bothers me a lot. And they laugh very loud. Loud laughter has always bothered or startled me. I twiddle my fingers around, I rock (literally and figuratively ;D) I get terrified when my neighbors knock on my door too.
I live in a disabled housing complex. Leave me alone.
I haven't really made too many connections with my neighbors and they all seem to be well acquainted with each other. I mostly acknowledge them with "hellos" and they do think my daughter is very cute (and she is lol) so I am very nice to them. But the thought of them in my house, freaks me out. And it's not that I don't like them, I just have a terrible time when people are over. Even when my boyfriend visits it throws me off big time, I can't even explain it. I could never live with another adult again. It drives me crazy and, yes, At the end of the day I am extremely exhausted when I have to go run errands and deal with people and all the things "neuro typicals" seem to have no problem doing and take for granted. Even if I'm not trying to be "socially acceptable" it still saps my energy. I have two days in the week off, with no humans. I love it.
I don't even remember what it was I was googling to find these informations, but I am glad I stumbled upon it. I do talk different than most people I know too, I am aware of this. I like the way I talk very much and I can sing well too. I have a pleasant voice to myself. I have a thing for the way people sound in their voice. If I can't stand your voice, well..... On the other hand, if I find your voice beautiful. Thats one thing in the past, I start to question if what I am doing is normal. I become briefly fascinated with these people. Gender not making any difference. I haven't had much of this conversation with a specialist, because I wasn't sure about it from any angle. So you are all the first to know of this.
Since I feel like I now understand myself better, I can finally rationalize my thinking? We hope? I have a set appt where I am going to get a formal diagnosis for this next week. I already know how to handle this, I think. Currently I am diagnosed with super depression, super anxiety (super isn't medically correct but it is SUPER ANXIETY) IED, and I have ptsd but that would be so even not being aspie, do to events having taken place. My only best friend who I have been friends with for 11 years has told me to be tested for this in the past, but I shrugged it off, thinking it was some other problem I have. But recently educating myself on aspergers and autism, I found the puzzle that my missing peices fit into. And it's a very deep, and beautiful realization for me, to know WHY and CONFIRMS I am different. It gives me so much clarity. Why I can't kill or let others kill bugs. I have such a strong respect for life and nature. I can't help that I can't communicate well verbally, but I do feel things very, maybe too deeply, and I am empathic when a friend comes to me for emotional support. I am very caring and gentle. I just don't always get it unless things are spelled out correctly for me. I don't understand what it is I did when people get mad at me or stop talking to me either. I have had to develop a very cavalier attitude toward this behavior of others.
I can't do social networking like Facebook. I don't understand how people can spend that much time on a website daily and need that much psychological validation and to fight with each other that much. It is disgusting to me morally, and if thats what "normal people" do, no thanks.
(By the way, it's called a pound# symbol. Not a "hashtag".)
I am too sensitive for the news to be on where I can hear it. It kills me and I experience such deep pain for others when I hear of any demise from the news or other source. Almost like I live for a few moments what they went through or feel the pain a family feels when someone they love is murdered or taken from them, and when I come back I am very upset and people like my boyfriend and family don't understand why it bothers me so much and makes me cry. My god, it upsets me to see a person hurt on the side of the road when there has been some accident, and I see EMT units. Its different for me when people die of old age vs sudden environmental situations. For these reasons, being in public scares me. Because I CANT read people. I DONT understand WHY they do the things they do. Because of this and past experiences I have learned that people are dangerous. I think I am an over protective parent BUT HOW THE HELL IS THAT A BAD THING IF IT KEEPS MY KID SAFE? I am not sheltering her. But I don't want to risk something when I can't work, and I am smart enough to home school. Otherwise, what would I be doing but sitting on my ass all day while she was at square peg school? Watching TV that I have no ****ing interest in? I went to alternative school after that kinda place tried its hardest to unimpress me. I am getting a little lost from the subject a bit but I did want to add that.
I hope this is a place on the internet I can have and help support others. I'll update you on the diagnosis appt, It is next week on Friday, and how that is going if you're interested, any of you.
Good night. Nice to meet you. Take care of yourselves till then, and after.
Oh and heres my little RDOS Aspie test thing I did attached. Dunno how accurate or valid it is, but I noticed others posting theres either on this site or another.
It made me cry, not because I am sad about it, but I gives me clarity, that THIS IS WHAT THE THING WITH ME IS. MAYBE? I have never felt like I fit in anywhere. Bullied in school, fought back and of course I was in trouble for defending myself all the time, not them for picking on me in the first place (I may be different but I have balls! And I can fight. At least back then lol) I have had so many problems with my family growing up. Years of misunderstandings and lots of abuse. I used to have a few things I did that were kinda odd even to me. Like the thing I used to do when I saw a square or rectangle, for a few years I had this impulse to look at all four corners of it and the can-can song would come into my head as I looked at each of the corners. I used to have to say the name of a person fully. Like, "Hello there, Debbie Carson!", Instead of just, "Hello there, Debbie!"
Anyway.
Things have happened to me that were bad, as a result of too much trust. I had something bad happen to me because I (suppose I could not pick up social cues?) I'd rather not say what it was. It was bad. I also used to have a room mate that would take advantage of me pretty bad in the past. Same thing, but I down played it to my therapist so she wouldn't get police involved.
I won't even go into the trouble I have going out to social places, I have physically shaken on the way to a bar a friend was dragging me to. Even my grandmas friends are kinda annoying to me. I like them very much, but they hit and "buddy-slap" too much, and it kinda bothers me a lot. And they laugh very loud. Loud laughter has always bothered or startled me. I twiddle my fingers around, I rock (literally and figuratively ;D) I get terrified when my neighbors knock on my door too.
I live in a disabled housing complex. Leave me alone.
I haven't really made too many connections with my neighbors and they all seem to be well acquainted with each other. I mostly acknowledge them with "hellos" and they do think my daughter is very cute (and she is lol) so I am very nice to them. But the thought of them in my house, freaks me out. And it's not that I don't like them, I just have a terrible time when people are over. Even when my boyfriend visits it throws me off big time, I can't even explain it. I could never live with another adult again. It drives me crazy and, yes, At the end of the day I am extremely exhausted when I have to go run errands and deal with people and all the things "neuro typicals" seem to have no problem doing and take for granted. Even if I'm not trying to be "socially acceptable" it still saps my energy. I have two days in the week off, with no humans. I love it.
I don't even remember what it was I was googling to find these informations, but I am glad I stumbled upon it. I do talk different than most people I know too, I am aware of this. I like the way I talk very much and I can sing well too. I have a pleasant voice to myself. I have a thing for the way people sound in their voice. If I can't stand your voice, well..... On the other hand, if I find your voice beautiful. Thats one thing in the past, I start to question if what I am doing is normal. I become briefly fascinated with these people. Gender not making any difference. I haven't had much of this conversation with a specialist, because I wasn't sure about it from any angle. So you are all the first to know of this.
Since I feel like I now understand myself better, I can finally rationalize my thinking? We hope? I have a set appt where I am going to get a formal diagnosis for this next week. I already know how to handle this, I think. Currently I am diagnosed with super depression, super anxiety (super isn't medically correct but it is SUPER ANXIETY) IED, and I have ptsd but that would be so even not being aspie, do to events having taken place. My only best friend who I have been friends with for 11 years has told me to be tested for this in the past, but I shrugged it off, thinking it was some other problem I have. But recently educating myself on aspergers and autism, I found the puzzle that my missing peices fit into. And it's a very deep, and beautiful realization for me, to know WHY and CONFIRMS I am different. It gives me so much clarity. Why I can't kill or let others kill bugs. I have such a strong respect for life and nature. I can't help that I can't communicate well verbally, but I do feel things very, maybe too deeply, and I am empathic when a friend comes to me for emotional support. I am very caring and gentle. I just don't always get it unless things are spelled out correctly for me. I don't understand what it is I did when people get mad at me or stop talking to me either. I have had to develop a very cavalier attitude toward this behavior of others.
I can't do social networking like Facebook. I don't understand how people can spend that much time on a website daily and need that much psychological validation and to fight with each other that much. It is disgusting to me morally, and if thats what "normal people" do, no thanks.
(By the way, it's called a pound# symbol. Not a "hashtag".)
I am too sensitive for the news to be on where I can hear it. It kills me and I experience such deep pain for others when I hear of any demise from the news or other source. Almost like I live for a few moments what they went through or feel the pain a family feels when someone they love is murdered or taken from them, and when I come back I am very upset and people like my boyfriend and family don't understand why it bothers me so much and makes me cry. My god, it upsets me to see a person hurt on the side of the road when there has been some accident, and I see EMT units. Its different for me when people die of old age vs sudden environmental situations. For these reasons, being in public scares me. Because I CANT read people. I DONT understand WHY they do the things they do. Because of this and past experiences I have learned that people are dangerous. I think I am an over protective parent BUT HOW THE HELL IS THAT A BAD THING IF IT KEEPS MY KID SAFE? I am not sheltering her. But I don't want to risk something when I can't work, and I am smart enough to home school. Otherwise, what would I be doing but sitting on my ass all day while she was at square peg school? Watching TV that I have no ****ing interest in? I went to alternative school after that kinda place tried its hardest to unimpress me. I am getting a little lost from the subject a bit but I did want to add that.
I hope this is a place on the internet I can have and help support others. I'll update you on the diagnosis appt, It is next week on Friday, and how that is going if you're interested, any of you.
Good night. Nice to meet you. Take care of yourselves till then, and after.
Oh and heres my little RDOS Aspie test thing I did attached. Dunno how accurate or valid it is, but I noticed others posting theres either on this site or another.
