Uncontrollable anger/Mystery issues? ADHD?

[VioletHaze_03]

Recently, i'm starting to suspect that i might have a few undiagnosed issues, and sometimes they make it really hard for me to function. The main problem i'm struggling with is taking directions. Not following them, just listening. Whenever i have to work with someone who has power over me (Teachers, therapists, parents, etc) I get really pissed off and I feel like my brain is forcing me to do anything i possibly can to go against them. I have no idea why. I can't ask for help, and throw a fit whenever i'm forced to do homework. It's like a meltdown, except there's no sensory issues, i'm provoked and calmed down much more quickly and it almost feels like it's supposed to be controllable even if it's not. Sometimes i also fight with my brain and have to constantly suppress urges to harm those around me, and that makes it really hard to pay attention to what is going on. I've been told that this an ADHD thing, but i never heard about this kind of aggresson happening with that. Any insights?

 

[Streetwise]

I get it from not remembering what will happen if I do something !for me it comes from panic disorder !I still don't understand autism yet .
I think mine would've got better if I'd had counselling when I was your age but I've left it 30 years.
Think about a developmental disorder if one part doesn't develop and its disordered it's going to be distressing .
like toddlers !I've never had children but the description of the terrible two's sounds like me !when I come up against authority .

 

[Mia]

Something comes to mind Violet Haze, it's called Oppositial Defiance, usually present in children and teens.

Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) is characterized by the frequent occurrence of at least four of the following behaviors: losing one’s temper, arguing with adults, actively defying or refusing to comply with the requests or rules of adults, deliberately doing things that will annoy other people, blaming others for his or her own mistakes or misbehavior, being touchy or easily annoyed by others, being angry and resentful, or being spiteful or vindictive.

Negativistic and defiant behaviors are expressed by persistent stubbornness, resistance to directions, and unwillingness to compromise, give in, or negotiate with adults or peers. Defiance may also include deliberate or persistent testing of limits, usually by ignoring orders, arguing, and failing to accept blame for misdeeds.

Hostility can be directed at adults or peers and is shown by deliberately annoying others or by verbal aggression (usually without the more serious physical aggression seen in conduct disorder).

Manifestations of the disorder are almost invariably present in the home setting, but may not be evident at school or in the community.


Oppositional Defiant Disorder Symptoms - Psych Central

This may or not be what your difficulties are. Often these descriptions are the result of someone requiring more freedom or the ability to make more decisions for themselves. Without others controlling them.

 

[VioletHaze_03]

Something comes to mind Violet Haze, it's called Oppositial Defiance, usually present in children and teens.

Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) is characterized by the frequent occurrence of at least four of the following behaviors: losing one’s temper, arguing with adults, actively defying or refusing to comply with the requests or rules of adults, deliberately doing things that will annoy other people, blaming others for his or her own mistakes or misbehavior, being touchy or easily annoyed by others, being angry and resentful, or being spiteful or vindictive.

Negativistic and defiant behaviors are expressed by persistent stubbornness, resistance to directions, and unwillingness to compromise, give in, or negotiate with adults or peers. Defiance may also include deliberate or persistent testing of limits, usually by ignoring orders, arguing, and failing to accept blame for misdeeds.

Hostility can be directed at adults or peers and is shown by deliberately annoying others or by verbal aggression (usually without the more serious physical aggression seen in conduct disorder).

Manifestations of the disorder are almost invariably present in the home setting, but may not be evident at school or in the community.


Oppositional Defiant Disorder Symptoms - Psych Central

This may or not be what your difficulties are. Often these descriptions are the result of someone requiring more freedom or the ability to make more decisions for themselves. Without others controlling them.

Hmmm......I was thinking about the possibility of that, but i've been told i don't fit the bill, as i've become a pro at restraining my emotions and anger. I also have to force myself to stop looking for arguements and ways to provoke people, as that's one of the other things my brain always loved to do, and it did work a few times. So at least there was some improvement there.

 

[Gritches]

Hmmm......I was thinking about the possibility of that, but i've been told i don't fit the bill, as i've become a pro at restraining my emotions and anger. I also have to force myself to stop looking for arguements and ways to provoke people, as that's one of the other things my brain always loved to do, and it did work a few times. So at least there was some improvement there.

I agree that it sounds like textbook ODD. Maybe you don't fit the bill in the eyes of others, but if the feelings are still there and you're merely restraining them they're not really gone are they?

Anyone else on here have a particular condition where you have to become at least a semi-pro at self-restraint just to get by? Anyone?

 

[VioletHaze_03]

I agree that it sounds like textbook ODD. Maybe you don't fit the bill in the eyes of others, but if the feelings are still there and you're merely restraining them they're not really gone are they?

Anyone else on here have a particular condition where you have to become at least a semi-pro at self-restraint just to get by? Anyone?

Yeah, also i probably should've mentioned that i also had a short history of bullying as a child, but i wasn't aware of actually hurting people, i guess i just found it fun to bug them. My brain just wanted me to constantly piss people off and wouldn't let me stop, as bad as that sounds. Sometimes it just felt like i was locked inside my head while i watched myself run around and annoy others like an idiot, kinda like a meltdown out of happiness if that makes sense?

 

[Gritches]

Yeah, also i probably should've mentioned that i also had a short history of bullying as a child, but i wasn't aware of actually hurting people, i guess i just found it fun to bug them. My brain just wanted me to constantly piss people off and wouldn't let me stop, as bad as that sounds. Sometimes it just felt like i was locked inside my head while i watched myself run around and annoy others like an idiot, kinda like a meltdown out of happiness if that makes sense?

Ohh yeah. I remember that. There was only about a 4-year span where I had meltdowns before I learned to control them out of necessity, but during those years I'd have more of the meltdowns out of happiness like you mention. Like something would spark it, and it would grow out of control, and then usually turn into a "bad" meltdown when someone tried to stop me from being happy. I was an obnoxious little puke, I thought that by annoying everyone I was "playing". I guess that's what happens when you develop apart from society at large.

Regarding defiance in general, I was incredibly defiant well into my late teens/early 20s. What changed is that I realized it was much more fun to beat these people at their own game than to dig in my heels and resist them every step of the way, get punished in some way for some reason over it, endure the punishment, and repeat. On the plus side, I'm very good at being punished; I endure it very well.

 

[Ang]

I get you...... I fight with authority too. Ima tell you what it is .. stright up.. its the black and white thinking. You feel as though te person in authority is challenging you, and survival instinct being heightened due to anxiety issue makes you want to kill them dead. Lol. Hmmm. Seems I'm on to something with certain people in the news and certain societal issues. Though I'll keep them hush.

 

[Life of As-pi]

Out of curiosity, does it make a difference if the instructions are explained to you, so you know WHY you should actually follow them?

 

[Ang]

Also it seems bullying is a big factor here. Its not so much the instructions being followed, as much as he or she thinks that I'm stupid. All it takes is one eye roll, or tongue suck by them and everything they say becomes viewed by me as an attack by them. I've hated almost everyone who I've worked under. Seems to be a persistent problem.

 

[VioletHaze_03]

Out of curiosity, does it make a difference if the instructions are explained to you, so you know WHY you should actually follow them?

It depends, if there's something that is easy to do and that is relatively quick, i'm fine. However, if it's something like essay writing or studying, or chores i will just shrug and stare at the wall, or throw a meltdown if i'm pushed. My brain just gives up when i look at the task. I don't like asking for instructions either, it seems wrong to ask for help. Some days are better than others, and sometimes i can accept help. As for knowing why i should do something, it doesn't matter if i just don't want to do it, and sometimes i'll let the consequences happen instead of doing that task.

 

[Life of As-pi]

Sounds like you get overwhelmed rather quickly, resulting in what seems like a lack of perseverance (I hope I spelled that correctly)? Shrugging and staring at the wall, rather facing the consequences of a task not done than doing the task itself, sounds pretty familiar to me - when I'm confronted with tasks I know are upfront challenging for me to do. I do think that you might solve this by changing your behavior or rather your expectations towards yourself. Lower the pressure. Lower the speed. Give yourself time to think it through, then give it a go - no matter how lousy the results of that first attempt. Improve the attempt. Repeat until happy with the outcome. And don't lose patience with yourself!

 

[Homebrand]

Something comes to mind Violet Haze, it's called Oppositial Defiance, usually present in children and teens.


Oppositional Defiant Disorder Symptoms - Psych Central

My thoughts exactly

 

[Homebrand]

Also this is a particular way of thinking/behaving that you really should want to work on changing. I say this because often kids with Oppositional Defiant Disorder grow up to have the adult version which is known as Anti Social Personality Disorder and if you allow your issue to develop to this point both you and those around you are gonna have difficulties. Best way I can describe people with this disorder in quite simple as total bloody arseholes. These people have zero to little regard for the rights of other and about the same amount of respect for the law and like you now authority figures.

Lots of criminals are believed to suffer ASP and your lack of disregard for others will likely leave you pretty lonely unless some idiot decides to stick around to enjoy the particular mistreatment they'll cop off you.

I live with a dirtbag that 100% fits this bill so I'm not saying this is definitely your set path but unhelpful thought patterns and behaviours like this won't lead you to the best of places if that stuffs not dealt with.

They best solution I could offer would be that while your having these thought in your brain try to start a little conversation or debate with yourself over the pro's and con's of why change is important and why continuing this way of thinking isn't helpful for you.

 

[VioletHaze_03]

Also this is a particular way of thinking/behaving that you really should want to work on changing. I say this because often kids with Oppositional Defiant Disorder grow up to have the adult version which is known as Anti Social Personality Disorder and if you allow your issue to develop to this point both you and those around you are gonna have difficulties. Best way I can describe people with this disorder in quite simple as total bloody arseholes. These people have zero to little regard for the rights of other and about the same amount of respect for the law and like you now authority figures.

Lots of criminals are believed to suffer ASP and your lack of disregard for others will likely leave you pretty lonely unless some idiot decides to stick around to enjoy the particular mistreatment they'll cop off you.

I live with a dirtbag that 100% fits this bill so I'm not saying this is definitely your set path but unhelpful thought patterns and behaviours like this won't lead you to the best of places if that stuffs not dealt with.

They best solution I could offer would be that while your having these thought in your brain try to start a little conversation or debate with yourself over the pro's and con's of why change is important and why continuing this way of thinking isn't helpful for you.

Ah, thank you for your insight. For a long time, I was almost convinced that I was strongly antisocial. I have went to CBT, and I found it useless. My thoughts aren't good or bad, they just are. My anxiety is what decides which are which. Sure, I can talk logically about how to murder someone with a lollipop stick, but I can also talk logically about overcoming things like depression and grief (I have many friends who need it, and i'm happy to help them.) Even though I hate to say it, there is an overlap between ASP and ASD. In both cases, people are (sometimes) better at processing situations logically rather than emotionally, and the lack of empathy allows for the person to stay clear headed and act quickly in distressing situations (but depending on the patient, this might not be true.). I've met a few people who consider themselves antisocial, and most of them are very aspieish, and quite kind. I've also met people with ASPD who are awful. Sociopathy and psychopathy are disabilities, just like my autism is. People with it aren't always what comes to mind - They're just wired in a way that we don't understand, which makes them thrive in situations that NTs would gasp at (Just like how some aspies thrive in isolation, both conditions allow people to flourish in what could "normally" be unhealthy circumstances.) Both disorders are incurable, but livable, and have upsides. Autistics and ASPDer's can live among NT society, and they can be successful and happy without hurting anyone. At this point, I'm considering PDA (Pervasive Demand Avoidance syndrome) As a more possible answer. It covers: the anger issues over any sort of work, my lack of empathy, my ability to lie my way out of situations, and my mimicked "social charm" (for a few months until my ASD takes the wheel and drives the relationship straight off a cliff)
P.S. I don't sort my thoughts into good or bad, and I actually want to study criminals, especially those with ASPD as i get older. They're a very interesting bunch.

 

[VioletHaze_03]

Also it seems bullying is a big factor here. Its not so much the instructions being followed, as much as he or she thinks that I'm stupid. All it takes is one eye roll, or tongue suck by them and everything they say becomes viewed by me as an attack by them. I've hated almost everyone who I've worked under. Seems to be a persistent problem.

Hadn't thought of that, you nailed it though. Up until a few years ago, I was in a place where I got bullied to the point of wanting to end it all. After I got out, I was plagued by really bad anxiety, to the point where I almost never went outside, except to go to school. I'm still recovering, and it's been almost 3 years since I escaped that situation. Paranoia is a part of that anxiety, so every little detail of someone's behaviour which is in no way related to me becomes a direct insult to every part of me, which makes them an annoying person who I must silently belittle in my mind. it sucks.