Understanding if people really mean what they say

[Dillon]

so here’s the thing I struggle with which is the biggest pain out of anything as being an aspie. I do not know how it is with y’all but I have a hard time really understanding what people actually mean based on their emotions. I’ll explain this the best I can.

I have a hard time sometimes reading facial expressions such as I can’t tell if a friend is mad or upset with me. For example, I would think in my mind someone is being rude when I say something or ask a question and it’s bothering the person when’s it’s really not in reality. A scenario would be I would join in with a group of friends in a conversation maybe knowing what they were talking about. I look at their expressions not understanding that if they want me in the group or what so I leave assuming they don’t want me. I would always ask myself is this person bothered by me or what? Did I do something wrong? There would be a long period of time where a person won’t talk to me and i wonder if it’s something I did when again in reality it’s not they were just busy ( other occasions the person wants to hang with someone else to get away from me which is not cool to do)
It gets to the point now with me not understanding sometimes how people react if they are my friend or not, however I can really tell if someone wants to be rude to me since I know how cruel people can be.

I also know that text or online chatting can be a a real pain to understand ones emotions for me. I would get upset sometimes thinking the person had said something negative to me. I feel like person to person conversations are easier than texting at times but then the other way around is easier than person to person.

Do any of y’all have similar or different experiences like this in this kind of understanding ??

 

[SusanLR]

Most definitely.
If I get in trouble from being too literal, I just say I don't understand.
You said it. Say what you mean.

My house share partner deliberately tries to fool me by saying something and I give a legit reply.
" Fooled you again!" He'll reply. Thinks it's funny. It isn't.
He knows I will not get if it's supposed to be a trick statement.
He has learned what being Aspie
is like!

 

[Suzanne]

Oh horribly so!

Just yesterday, this female said that she really needed to get home for the toilet ( posted a thread about it) and because my husband was doing his usual ie talking, I just said: best let them go for she needs to go to the toilet and immediately felt that I had said something inappropriate. My husband confirmed that you just do not say that out loud; it is not the done thing? I ask, so why then, is it ok to talk about toilet issues in a joky way, when with a group of "friends"?

Also, another was talking about how in French the word for the sea creature, a seal, sounds like one is saying the f word. Didn't say the word; but a heck of a lot of inuendoes surrounding the word and so, I just joined in and said that a French female came to see me and saw that we had a game of scrabble out and she said: are you pleasuring yourself? She is French and speaks good English; but still says things how the French mind thinks and I had to gently and a little giggle put her right. Oh boy, did the atmosphere change when I related this occurance. There was embarrassed clearing of throats and umm shall we change the subject?

I do not get NTs at all and yes, it is a nightmare, because whilst they just get on with life, we are the one torturing ourselves with "I did it again"!

My husband says that I should allow others to do their own thinking and yes, it is true, I do have misguided empathy. In your situation. I would not get up and go; too shy for that; but I would feel acutely uncomfortable and try to find at least one friendly face, because otherwise, I am thinking: I am the last person they want there.

Two females have assured me that they are ok with me, but their actions still seem to suggest the other and so I am having to conclude that they do not like me and just doing their duty.

I can read expressions now, but also can mistake expressions.

 

[Suzanne]

Most definitely.
If I get in trouble from being too literal, I just say I don't understand.
You said it. Say what you mean.

My house share partner deliberately tries to fool me by saying somethi.ng and I give a legit reply.
" Fooled you again!" He'll reply. Thinks it's funny. It isn't.
He knows I will not get if it's supposed to be a trick statement.
He has learned what being Aspie
is like!

My husband can be a little bit like that. He has, though improved a lot, but still does tease me about my beiing literal in the sense that he PRETENDS to be literal and thinks it is great fun and yet, has been a cause of a lot of our arguments.

Sadly being too literal, does make us seem simple minded.

 

[Bella Pines]

I've always said, don't go down the second guessing path because it's lose lose.

I look at their expressions not understanding that if they want me in the group or what so I leave assuming they don’t want me. I would always ask myself is this person bothered by me or what? Did I do something wrong?

Even if they don't mind you being there, if you're a wobbly, weak mess then that will soon become irritating. Whenever people blubber "why don't you like me?" or "what did I do wrong?", I answer "THIS".

Being you, being able to think independently, being able to hyper focus is amazing. It's all you need. So stop looking at other people and start appreciating yourself. If you can find an inner confidence then friends will happen. You won't need to go to them because they will come to you.

So offense cannot be given, it can only be taken. Be polite and considerate by all means, do hold back, a little aspie goes a long way. But if people get all uppity and stroppy then you are better off away from them.

 

[Dillon]

I've always said, don't go down the second guessing path because it's lose lose.



Even if they don't mind you being there, if you're a wobbly, weak mess then that will soon become irritating. Whenever people blubber "why don't you like me?" or "what did I do wrong?", I answer "THIS".

Being you, being able to think independently, being able to hyper focus is amazing. It's all you need. So stop looking at other people and start appreciating yourself. If you can find an inner confidence then friends will happen. You won't need to go to them because they will come to you.

So offense cannot be given, it can only be taken. Be polite and considerate by all means, do hold back, a little aspie goes a long way. But if people get all uppity and stroppy then you are better off away from them.

I think I didn’t fully explain myself on that part. What I was trying to say was I think I am taking things too literally. It’s not about the friend making at all ,but knowing if that friend or a group is mad at towards you when you can’t tell how they are feeling at that moment. In my mind for no reason sometimes I take things the wrong way, more of jumping to an automatic conclusion while over thinking things through instead of analyzing my surroundings.
I believe if I shouldn’t be around for the time being i tell a group of my friends that I have to get going and I walk off for a while but also realizing dang this person was never mad or upset with me at all. Second guessing myself has been something I’m still trying to get a complete handle on. I think I’m confusing myself with it as well.

 

[Bella Pines]

In my mind for no reason sometimes I take things the wrong way, more of jumping to an automatic conclusion while over thinking things through instead of analyzing my surroundings.

I think this is because we are thought centric. I think aspies make good authors and story tellers, we are able to create entire worlds in our heads and hold complete conversations with just ourselves. Therefore, rather than look around at what is actually happening in the real world, we take many fragments, form a pattern and draw a conclusion.

Unfortunately it's often dramatized and "us centric". In reality people are far too self absorbed to care. So often we will fabricate conversations whereby people are talking about us, they will reflect our inner most fears. In reality people are far too concerned with their own lives to really have any more than a passing, cursory opinion.

The solution is to do exactly what you are doing, recognize it, then analyze the real world and let go of any toxic inner dialogue. It helps me sometimes to touch things around me, to verbally remind myself to come back to the here and now and stop my mind running away. I then remind myself that the person or people whose actions and thoughts I am 'anticipating' or 'projecting', don't overthink things anywhere near as much as I do. So most of what I presume is just in my head. If you then train yourself to only imagine good things, that people are praising you instead, then your real world relationship with them improves accordingly. Does that make sense? It does in my head!!

 

[Dillon]

I think this is because we are thought centric. I think aspies make good authors and story tellers, we are able to create entire worlds in our heads and hold complete conversations with just ourselves. Therefore, rather than look around at what is actually happening in the real world, we take many fragments, form a pattern and draw a conclusion.

Unfortunately it's often dramatized and "us centric". In reality people are far too self absorbed to care. So often we will fabricate conversations whereby people are talking about us, they will reflect our inner most fears. In reality people are far too concerned with their own lives to really have any more than a passing, cursory opinion.

The solution is to do exactly what you are doing, recognize it, then analyze the real world and let go of any toxic inner dialogue. It helps me sometimes to touch things around me, to verbally remind myself to come back to the here and now and stop my mind running away. I then remind myself that the person or people whose actions and thoughts I am 'anticipating' or 'projecting', don't overthink things anywhere near as much as I do. So most of what I presume is just in my head. If you then train yourself to only imagine good things, that people are praising you instead, then your real world relationship with them improves accordingly. Does that make sense? It does in my head!!

That actually makes total sense as that’s how I convey myself when I have that kind of situation at times. I tend to realize I’m in my own little world at the moment so of course I’m thinking differently, interpreting in what the person is actually saying. That’s what I’m bad about is jumping to a conclusion before it even happens. I think I just need to remind myself frequently to not get caught up in over thinking things that may happen and just flow with reality as it happens.

 

[Progster]

Yes, I've been told that I don't pick up on people's moods, don't read them and misinerpret them a lot. It causes a lot of anxiety, and I just have to try to mask it, try not to think about it and get on with things because I can't do much about it about it without drawing more attention to it and potentially making it worse. If I become aware that I have offended someone and I am in the wrong, then I apologise.

 

[sisselcakes]

I think I didn’t fully explain myself on that part. What I was trying to say was I think I am taking things too literally. It’s not about the friend making at all ,but knowing if that friend or a group is mad at towards you when you can’t tell how they are feeling at that moment. In my mind for no reason sometimes I take things the wrong way, more of jumping to an automatic conclusion while over thinking things through instead of analyzing my surroundings.
I believe if I shouldn’t be around for the time being i tell a group of my friends that I have to get going and I walk off for a while but also realizing dang this person was never mad or upset with me at all. Second guessing myself has been something I’m still trying to get a complete handle on. I think I’m confusing myself with it as well.

I'm wondering if these friends know you are on the spectrum. If so, how much do they know about your challenges? If they don't and you trust them you could simply explain to them that it's hard for you to read expressions.

After that you can explain that it's particularly hard for you to read when people are angry or upset. If you give them this background you can let them know that in the future you might ask them if they are angry at you- that it's not be intentionally annoying (because it would get annoying if someone constantly asks this)- but you just want to make sure you aren't misunderstanding something.

Now, will they be honest? NT's tend to avoid conflict and sometimes will tell white lies to avoid hurting people's feelings; but you can tell them ahead of time that you really want to know the truth and it will be helpful to you.

I'll tell you I have the opposite problem with my (undiagnosed) ASD boyfriend. When he gets into his special interest or is quiet, if I'm feeling sensitive, I will worry he's mad at me so I've gotten used to just asking. Usually he'll look at me like I'm crazy and say "no". That's what I love about his aspiness. I know I'll get the truth. No white lies. What you see is what you get. Speaking of, I have a girlfriend who has some traits, and though she's shocked me with her brutal honesty at times, I know i can always ask her advice and she'll be straight with me.

 

[Dillon]

I'm wondering if these friends know you are on the spectrum. If so, how much do they know about your challenges? If they don't and you trust them you could simply explain to them that it's hard for you to read expressions.

After that you can explain that it's particularly hard for you to read when people are angry or upset. If you give them this background you can let them know that in the future you might ask them if they are angry at you- that it's not be intentionally annoying (because it would get annoying if someone constantly asks this)- but you just want to make sure you aren't misunderstanding something.

Now, will they be honest? NT's tend to avoid conflict and sometimes will tell white lies to avoid hurting people's feelings; but you can tell them ahead of time that you really want to know the truth and it will be helpful to you.

I'll tell you I have the opposite problem with my (undiagnosed) ASD boyfriend. When he gets into his special interest or is quiet, if I'm feeling sensitive, I will worry he's mad at me so I've gotten used to just asking. Usually he'll look at me like I'm crazy and say "no". That's what I love about his aspiness. I know I'll get the truth. No white lies. What you see is what you get. Speaking of, I have a girlfriend who has some traits, and though she's shocked me with her brutal honesty at times, I know i can always ask her advice and she'll be straight with me.

I have a real problem in telling my friends that I am on the spectrum because of having people lie to me, thinking I was being just plain stupid, and other things like that in the past. I feel like it’s no ones business unless he/she absolutely wants to know. The group of friends I was talking about in my post I felt like there was not a need and plus many people do not understand what it is even when I explain it.

However there are a few good friends of mine who I have told about me being on the spectrum recently and do they think any different of me of course not. The friends who I do trust a great deal I’ll tell them something like this if neseccasy cause I know they won’t be picky nor judge me at all all because of a problem I have.
For me there’s a difference in who you can trust in telling someone personal between just friends and close friends.

 

[Bella Pines]

That’s what I’m bad about is jumping to a conclusion before it even happens. I think I just need to remind myself frequently to not get caught up in over thinking things that may happen and just flow with reality as it happens.

Yes exactly. I love that people here understand my aspie thought processes. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. When I was growing up, people used to think my grandma was a fortune teller, some of her old grey haired biddy friends used to say she was psychic. She even did "readings" with tarot cards. Looking back, I don't think she was psychic at all, I think she was able to take in information and form patterns, then draw conclusions. For example, if someone was self deprecating, they won't apply for high paid jobs because they don't think they are good enough and may run into financial problems. So our inner dialogue and overthinking is often based off a multitude of observations, but then can spiral out of control as we project the pattern into the dark and murky regions where nobody goes...!

 

[sisselcakes]

I have a real problem in telling my friends that I am on the spectrum because of having people lie to me, thinking I was being just plain stupid, and other things like that in the past. I feel like it’s no ones business unless he/she absolutely wants to know. The group of friends I was talking about in my post I felt like there was not a need and plus many people do not understand what it is even when I explain it.

However there are a few good friends of mine who I have told about me being on the spectrum recently and do they think any different of me of course not. The friends who I do trust a great deal I’ll tell them something like this if neseccasy cause I know they won’t be picky nor judge me at all all because of a problem I have.
For me there’s a difference in who you can trust in telling someone personal between just friends and close friends.

I completely get why you wouldn't want to share being on the spectrum with everyone. In your place, I would also be selective with whom I shared this info too.

Now, one thing I didn't understand is that you hold back sharing about your personal information because people lie to you. I know that NT's routinely lie, especially in less authentic relationships. When you refer to people lying, in what context are you talking about? For example, if you've told someone in the past, what kinds of lies resulted?

 

[Dillon]

I completely get why you wouldn't want to share being on the spectrum with everyone. In your place, I would also be selective with whom I shared this info too.

Now, one thing I didn't understand is that you hold back sharing about your personal information because people lie to you. I know that NT's routinely lie, especially in less authentic relationships. When you refer to people lying, in what context are you talking about? For example, if you've told someone in the past, what kinds of lies resulted?

Oh yeah I wasn’t clear on that part. I tell someone about me being on the spectrum and I’ve been told things like “I won’t judge you” “I won’t tell anyone else about it” and things like that. Apparently other people find out about it cause that person would turn on me and me believing that person would be by my side no matter what. That’s happened a few times when I was younger and because of it I don’t trust myself or others about my spectrum disorder but that wasn’t until for a year I have some really close friends who I know won’t lie and I can count on.

 

[Loren]

Most definitely.
If I get in trouble from being too literal, I just say I don't understand.
You said it. Say what you mean.

My house share partner deliberately tries to fool me by saying something and I give a legit reply.
" Fooled you again!" He'll reply. Thinks it's funny. It isn't.
He knows I will not get if it's supposed to be a trick statement.
He has learned what being Aspie
is like!

What he is doing is so, very wrong. It is a form of psychological abuse and can have lasting consequenses. Is there any way that you could move? Assuming you'd want to, of course.

 

[sisselcakes]

What he is doing is so, very wrong. It is a form of psychological abuse and can have lasting consequenses. Is there any way that you could move? Assuming you'd want to, of course.

I was thinking the same thing when reading this earlier but my thought process got distracted by the entirety of Dillon's question/situation, so I forgot to comment on Susan's roommate. It's completely wrong to laugh at someone's expense, especially when you've entrusted them with personal information.