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Understanding My Self

AutistAcolyte

Well-Known Member
when i think about myself, i picture a calm pond. i am happy to be undisturbed, but if someone comes along and interacts with me, they could be throwing rocks, or fishing, or floating a boat, then i respond. but once they are finished, i go back to being a calm pond.

i'm curious, do any of you have an image of yourself like this? having been here even a short while i feel like this might resonate. how does this idea make you feel?
 
I've visualised my anxiety in various forms, all of which were done with guided visualisations with my last therapist:


A kraken within a dark ocean, and me a ship. With the kraken attacking the ship and dragging it down.

An old broken violin in an attic space which I then took with me with the intention of repairing it to it's former glory.

A shadowy man in a dimly, red lit room. An interview room lay beyond a 2 way window. The man constantly waited and observed.

A dark haunted house with lots of glowing eyes in the darknes.

A dark cave.


As for calm ponds. I like to sit by water, it helps me recharge and is very soothing, and rather hypnotic to stare at. I'm not a strong swimmer though, and as a kid I got stuck in some form of quicksand whilst swimming in the sea and sank up to my knees. So, there's a good deal of caution around water too, but I do find it's presence calming. Even if my anxiety is scanning for potential hazards and conjuring "what if" scenarios that result in my death by drowning.

Ed
 
When I take time to myself for meditation and visualization, a calm pond/lake
is how I can see myself.
Being by calm waters is relaxing. Streams and the beach waves are more energizing
yet very enjoyable.

Going through the day, out in the world, with all the people and necessary
to do "stuff," is more like a whirlpool.
I must take care or I will get sucked into it.
Others can be too, when the circumstances call for it.
 
I have done a lot of work this past year in confronting my PTSD. It is not done yet. This has taken a lot of introspection to understand myself. I am so afraid of self delusion that would not let me tease out old memories accurately. However what that work has done is to give me a renewed appreciation of my life. I have been trying CBD/THC to allow me to examine more fully the emotions of those times I have surmounted difficulty as well as when I had failed myself or others, including those times I had been less than truthful with myself, for which I am ashamed.
 
I like to think there's a calm pond somewhere in me. But I think I'm only capable of enjoying actual ponds in reality and not have one of my own inside. I wrote a rather melodramatic self image a few months ago if you're interested, it does still contain water as an omnipresent feature: Square one.
 
Glass Girl

Transparent, prismatic in a certain light.
Fingers trailing through those hues,
each an emotion, a thought, a dream.
It was Glass Girl, one of the few unbroken.

There are some creatures, doomed, damned,
merely for being, she was of these beings.
These creatures, travesties, the few, the fragile,
foolish in their naivety, blinded by the changing hues.

By their very nature they are mistakes,
the left turn, evolution’s wrong turns.
Those who find them, fear them, hate them.
And what can glass do but shatter?

Yet, it is the primordial drive of all things,
to remain, to survive, more rarely to thrive.
These delicate mistakes, while vulnerable,
are not without their versions of protection.

While they love the light, the shadows, and hues,
they know they are different, broken in a way.
They weave, shaping the emotions, the thoughts—
Bright, alluring the eye is drawn away, they disappear.

They hide, a camouflage of banality, cloaking—all.
All that they are: Simple whimsy, wisps of dreams.
Airy and impossible, they know they are not allowed,
yet they linger among the normal and mundane.

In moments when the world looks away, they emerge,
their light, unsullied, brilliant in a forlorned, dark place.
And in these moments, they soar, free of the mortal coil,
even as their delicate forms seem to call to the stones.

And they come, always, Stonecasters come, for it is their way.
The only way and these creatures without depth or meaning,
mock with their dreams, their idiocy of wonderment, their stories.
They are the cracks in the fabric of reality and must be shattered.

And there is one among them rumoured to possess a soul,
made of squid ink, swan song, and long forgotten stars.
The Glass Girl in her cloak of feathers bedraggled by the rain,
the Dark Radiance of the Strangeways, a Guardian now felled.
 
I suffer a lot from anxiety and stress. Often times I will think about calm settings to fuel calming thoughts. More lately though, I've pictured myself as more of an animal when I try to relax. I like imagining myself as having the qualities of a cat - chill but loving, relaxed and cool, as well as loyal. It sounds slightly embarrassing, at least to me when I write this out, but it's what I imagine myself as, and that's ok.

Everyone has their own ways to combat, cope, and deal with what they see as their inner issues. It's all a part of everyone's own physical and spiritual journey.
 

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