• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Undiagnosed at age 34 - seeking help and advice.

P

piano-frankie

Member
Hello everyone, I'm Frankie and I'm new on here. This is my first post. I wanted to join an aspergers forum to speak to real people with real experiences of aspergers - especially those on the lower, functioning, end of the spectrum. I think, or at least hope, that I can find some real help and advice on here.

I have finally realised, after all my years of suffering with persistent confusing mental health problems which have interfered with my personal and professional relationships, that I may have an answer. I think I may have aspergers. I'm having a really difficult time. I'm 34 years old and since I was a child I always felt different, always knew I was different, my parents always told me I was different (but never did anything about it). I always struggled throughout my life fitting in and with self identity. Since a teenager I always seeked escapism and always feel more comfortable alone with my own thoughts. I've had, throughout my life, all sorts of turmoil and self disconcert. I'm quite an angry person who suffers regularly (and randomly) with moodswings and often these are unexplained. I feel so uncomfortable in myself and have done for as long as I can remember. I suffer with high levels of anxiety and I obessess over death. I worry and think about constantly the thought of death and illness. I takes over my head and I can't stop it. I hate it and it wont' go away. It is so exhausting living in my head. I also have to live life in a certain way. I have my routines at home, and I have to stick to them. Even the simple things - if they don't get done, or if the things I have planned don't go as I want them to, it's the end of the world. It affects me really badly. I can get upset, emotional, sometimes I shut off completely.

I have been to my GP so many times in the last few years regarding my mental health. I've been diagnosed with depression - have been given antidepressants....but they didn't work. I hate taking pills. They make my anxiety about health and death etc worse. I always obsess about the side effects. I don't take them anymore. I refuse. They make me angry. The last lot I was prescribed was because a 'friend' made me go to the doctors and then I flushed them down the loo. I knew they weren't going to help me.
My most recent visit to the doctors was because I'd given birth to my 2nd daughter in Summer 2014 and I wasn't coping very well. I was having mood swings, not sleeping, obsessing about cleaning, beating myself up about being a bad mother. I was diagnosed with post natal depression. I told the GP I didn't want pills and she referred me to the community mental health team for CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy). I've attended 3 sessions out of 6 so far - and I don't feel it's having any impact whatsoever. I actually feel like I'm being judged. I told the person who is working with me that I suspect aspergers and I think I put him on the spot. I think he thinks (or wants to think) that I have some sort of personality disorder. He dismissed what I wanted to say, asking me "where's the evidence?" I have done online tests and have come out as Asperger (the lower end - the functioning bit). I am so annoyed, frustrated, confused. I feel like no-one will listen to me, or believe me.

I am a mother of two young children, I have a professional job, which I am actually really good at -but it really stresses me out at times. My worry is that if I get an official diagnosis it would impact on my future career. If I'm aspergers, I don't want an official diagnosis because of the impact it might have on my job. But at the same time, I cannot go on living in my head like I have done for the whole of my life. It's going to kill me.

Sorry for such a massive big thing for my introductory thread. If you've got this far, nice to meet you and thank you for reading. Any advice or conversation with others who have experienced the same would be massively valued. xxxx
 
I am sure there are members here who can relate to your situation. You should also check out the resource section, which is extensive. Welcome and good luck!:)
 
I almost had to go back and see if it was my post because you mirror my story quite well. I just don't have kids. I understand the pain and frustration you feel. I think about a lot of the same things as you like death, illness and cleaning. I was scared to get a diagnosis because of how it would affect my job but no one needs to know about it. It's frustrating though because I want to tell people but don't want to be treated like I'm inadequate but at the same time I would thrive with less responsibility. I haven't figured that part out yet. Hang in there! I highly doubt you're a bad mom. If you do your best, even if it's less than the average mom can do, you're a good mom. I'm sure you have other wonderful qualities about you that the average mother doesn't. Concentrate on that :)
 
Sounds to me you're on the spectrum indeed.

How does your hubby feel about the matter? I'm asking because those 'experts' are only making you worse; invalidation is the worst thing and these NTs deem themselves, well, experts. However, and quoting Doctor Who, 'The thing about experts, they don't know anything.' I hope your hubby offers you sufficient support.

Why would an official diagnosis mean your workmates have to know?

Anyway, welcome, and hope an angel comes along who would help you with your difficulties. Are there any aspie groups in your area? Meetup.com might help. Many on the spectrum are not diagnosed, especially women, because they hide in plain sight and experts just shove pills down their throats.
 
Hi i hope you are able to find people here that you can talk to,I know how you feel I been through a lot of emotional turmoil myself,I hope that this site can help you.
 
Welcome aboard :)
You have joined a great and friendly community, best wishes
image.jpg
 
Welcome piano-frankie, I also am a professional and I found a serenity following my diagnosis because I was able to understand my problems and implement a program to minimize the most detrimental characteristics of my particular manifestation.

Good luck.
 
Welcome! I too found a certain peace of mind knowing finally what is wrong with me. I learned at 37 years old last year. Now, I'm just trying a few things out and trying to carve out my own niche in the world. This is tremendously difficult. I wish you all of the best.
 
Stik said:
I almost had to go back and see if it was my post because you mirror my story quite well. I just don't have kids. I understand the pain and frustration you feel. I think about a lot of the same things as you like death, illness and cleaning. I was scared to get a diagnosis because of how it would affect my job but no one needs to know about it. It's frustrating though because I want to tell people but don't want to be treated like I'm inadequate but at the same time I would thrive with less responsibility. I haven't figured that part out yet. Hang in there! I highly doubt you're a bad mom. If you do your best, even if it's less than the average mom can do, you're a good mom. I'm sure you have other wonderful qualities about you that the average mother doesn't. Concentrate on that :)
Click to expand...

Thank you so much for your encouraging words. It means a lot. I've had lots of comments after my post, I appreciate them all so greatly. It's the most help and support I've had ever. I think now the way forward is to try and get a diagnosis. Take care and thank you again xxx
 
Walsie said:
Sounds to me you're on the spectrum indeed.

How does your hubby feel about the matter? I'm asking because those 'experts' are only making you worse; invalidation is the worst thing and these NTs deem themselves, well, experts. However, and quoting Doctor Who, 'The thing about experts, they don't know anything.' I hope your hubby offers you sufficient support.

Why would an official diagnosis mean your workmates have to know?

Anyway, welcome, and hope an angel comes along who would help you with your difficulties. Are there any aspie groups in your area? Meetup.com might help. Many on the spectrum are not diagnosed, especially women, because they hide in plain sight and experts just shove pills down their throats.
Click to expand...

Hi Walsie. Thank you so much for your response. It means a lot to me. I'm not married, but I have a long term partner who I live with and is also father to my children. He is so amazing. He puts up with so much from me. It's taken us a long time since first meeting for him to really get to know me and understand my ways. Even now there are things he still doesn't understand. But we talk about it. I have shared with him about the possibility I may be aspergers. He agrees it may be the case and would answer a lot of our questions -and is very supportive about it. He knows to let me have my space when I need it, and he understands not to take it personally when I have meltdowns. You know, without him I would be quite a lost and empty soul. I consider my self extremely lucky because I have no doubt most other men would not have the patience to put up with what my partner has.

Yes I agree about the 'experts'. I have attended 3 sessions so far of cognitive behaviour therapy. It's really not helping at all. There is so much I want to talk about and he just gives me paperwork and reads from it, making assumptions that I have a personality disorder. I just want to scream out at him how badly I actually suffer each day living in my head - and how much of an impact it has on those close to me and in my daily life. I want him to listen and to let me explain everything (which would take a very long time!) My anxiety and emotions and moodswings are so strong they take over my whole person - I cannot control it. They consume me and I cannot explain how much.

The reason an official diagnosis would affect me is that I am actually a teacher. Believe it or not - I am very good at my job and I love it. I struggle with the pressure but my children make progress and I'm really musical and have won our school awards for singing. It's a passion I guess. I wish I had more time to put into it but since I had my own children it's so hard and I beat myself up a lot for not doing my job to the best of my ability. The thing is though that if I were to apply for another job (which I'm planning to do quite soon) I have to disclose any health problems (including mental health) and they do checks with doctors. If I got a diagnosis would it go down on my medical records?

Thank you so much for your words and advice. I think looking at groups in my area would be a good idea. I didn't think of that. And yes, no pills for me. I know they won't make a difference. This isn't depression. It's something I've lived with all my life and I've had enough of it now.

Thank you again. Take care xxx
 
Rocco said:
Welcome aboard :)
You have joined a great and friendly community, best wishes
View attachment 18683
Click to expand...

Thank you. I'm glad to be here. I've already gained a lot of reassurance and support after only one post. A nice place to be. Every day is mostly a bad day in some form or another and up until now I have always lived in hope that the next day would bring happiness and content. Being on here already for the first time, gives me a sense of hope. Thank you to you and all. xxx
 
wanderer03 said:
Welcome! I too found a certain peace of mind knowing finally what is wrong with me. I learned at 37 years old last year. Now, I'm just trying a few things out and trying to carve out my own niche in the world. This is tremendously difficult. I wish you all of the best.
Click to expand...

Bless you. Thank you so much for your reply. Sorry to hear you have suffered the same. It's nice to be on here and to know that we are not alone . I wish you all the best too xxx
 
Hello, and welcome to the forum :) "It is so exhausting living in my head" I can relate to this. Even if I have done nothing all day, I'm still worn out from all the thinking and worrying I do all day.

I'm a teacher too, but I had a lot of difficulties with a school environment, it didn't work out, so I no longer work in a school but do private individual tuition only.
 
Progster said:
Hello, and welcome to the forum :) "It is so exhausting living in my head" I can relate to this. Even if I have done nothing all day, I'm still worn out from all the thinking and worrying I do all day.

I'm a teacher too, but I had a lot of difficulties with a school environment, it didn't work out, so I no longer work in a school but do private individual tuition only.
Click to expand...

Thank you so much for your reply. I too struggle with the whole environment of school:

The noise - whether it be in the classroom, the playground or the hall, it resonates through my ears and head and makes me feel disorientated. The slightest noise made by a child twiddling a pencil or something makes me twitch.
The sudden changes from one thing to another makes my head spin.
Then there's the social aspect of it. Sitting in the staff room and making conversation makes me feel more anxious than relaxed. I actually feel more relaxed teaching in the classroom than I do sitting about in the staff room.

I wouldn't give it up though. I love my job so much. I'm good at it and I s'pose that gives me the incentive to keep going. It's a rewarding experience. My colleagues would describe me as 'different' and 'unique' both in my teaching style and in my approach in general towards the school community. But I get results. I like that I'm valued in that respect.

I know what you mean though about the worrying all day. I think my job helps me from doing so much of that. I find school holidays more stressful than being at work - any time I get where my mind is able to wander is a nightmare for me.

Thank you again for you reply. It's so fantastic to speak to people on here. I actually feel for the first time that I'm not alone and that there is support out there. xxx
 
piano-frankie said:
Thank you so much for your reply. I too struggle with the whole environment of school:

The noise - whether it be in the classroom, the playground or the hall, it resonates through my ears and head and makes me feel disorientated. The slightest noise made by a child twiddling a pencil or something makes me twitch.
The sudden changes from one thing to another makes my head spin.
Then there's the social aspect of it. Sitting in the staff room and making conversation makes me feel more anxious than relaxed. I actually feel more relaxed teaching in the classroom than I do sitting about in the staff room.

I wouldn't give it up though. I love my job so much. I'm good at it and I s'pose that gives me the incentive to keep going. It's a rewarding experience. My colleagues would describe me as 'different' and 'unique' both in my teaching style and in my approach in general towards the school community. But I get results. I like that I'm valued in that respect.

I know what you mean though about the worrying all day. I think my job helps me from doing so much of that. I find school holidays more stressful than being at work - any time I get where my mind is able to wander is a nightmare for me.

Thank you again for you reply. It's so fantastic to speak to people on here. I actually feel for the first time that I'm not alone and that there is support out there. xxx
Click to expand...
I agree that teaching can be very rewarding despite its difficulties. I'm a language teacher and I enjoy watching students go from beginner level to advanced level, pass exams, etc, and it's rewarding to know that I played some role in their development and helping them reach these goals.

I wrote more about my teaching experiences and the difficulties I experienced on this thread here https://www.aspiescentral.com/threads/aspergers-good-teachers.8400/#post-228296
My post is near the end, if you are interested in reading.
 
Hi & Welcome,
The Anxiety co-morbid has always been my biggest problem, but Meds worked great for me. Amazing how much easier things are when you aren't always fixated on negatives. Hope you can find some relief some way.
 
Your experience sounds very familiar, I am 36 and though I am without a formal diagnosis, my current therapist gave me the tests to take and I came out quite solidly on the spectrum. I tried many therapists before that though who wanted to medicate, which made me feel much worse. After my son was born I felt so bad about myself because I didn't understand why all the things that were so easy for other moms were so impossible or at least difficult for me. That is why I sought out my current therapist, the others just didn't give me answers that made sense or allowed me to make progress.

I work with college students and sometimes that is very very hard, I often feel out of place but I do love my job. But there are a lot of stressors, it's hard to find a quiet place even in the labs. Also don't like the absence of work all summer. Right now I have a lot of anxiety trying to transition to the new academic semester.

I hope you enjoy being here! Glad you found us.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

New Threads

Top Bottom