Atreyu
Well-Known Member
A very long-time lurker. I apparently joined this site back in 2013 and have been on and off reading the posts to some of the questions posed in the e-mails I receive, but I've never felt that it was my place to post here since I'm not diagnosed.
I have suspected that I likely have Aspergers for a long time now. I am FtM and an adult and as such I grew up raised as female in a time when the spectrum was considered to be primarily affecting males.
But I always had a hard time as a kid. I have always had problems with sensory things and over-stimulation (I hate the feel of pantyhose and would scream and cry when I had to wear it or anything else with that texture and microfiber dish towels are the devil to the point that I could not bring myself to clean if I had to use them for my chores).
When I was younger I used to bite and chew everything with a 'gummy' or soft plastic sort of texture and I do mean everything. I bit a hole in my brother's Stretch Armstrong as a kid. I used to run into the woods and pretend I was an animal all day. I loved to run and climb and mimic the sounds of the birds in the forest.
I used to apparently have a 'weird gait' that my parents forced me to change in high school. I never noticed it until then, either, when it was pointed out to me.
I do make and (try to) maintain eye contact). It is still hard for me to look in people's eyes, but I know that I 'have to' if I don't want to be seen as untrustworthy or distant. Still, it makes me uncomfortable and anxious.
Even despite my attempts, I still get told that I'm emotionally distant regardless and that I come off as cold and unfeeling. As a kid and all the way through my teenage years I was filled with anger and hostility and I lashed out, but I've distanced myself in order to stop that. It's hard to find a balance and hard for me to make or maintain friends because I am, by my own admission, terribly aloof and can be flighty. I don't 'connect' to people well and I usually just prefer my own solitude.
I always escaped into Maladaptive Daydreaming, too. I roleplay, I draw and I prefer my fantasy world to the harsh and hard realities of this one. I connect better with animals than I do people, too. I have a dog and live alone with him now and he's the best roommate I've ever had.
But everything is just so overwhelming to me. I would love to be seen by a professional but I'm not sure anymore. I don't know what I would do with a diagnosis or how to even get one as an adult. I'm a military veteran and I get all of my health care through them for free. I don't even know where to start, sorry this is so disjointed, but it's all I can think to say.
I have suspected that I likely have Aspergers for a long time now. I am FtM and an adult and as such I grew up raised as female in a time when the spectrum was considered to be primarily affecting males.
But I always had a hard time as a kid. I have always had problems with sensory things and over-stimulation (I hate the feel of pantyhose and would scream and cry when I had to wear it or anything else with that texture and microfiber dish towels are the devil to the point that I could not bring myself to clean if I had to use them for my chores).
When I was younger I used to bite and chew everything with a 'gummy' or soft plastic sort of texture and I do mean everything. I bit a hole in my brother's Stretch Armstrong as a kid. I used to run into the woods and pretend I was an animal all day. I loved to run and climb and mimic the sounds of the birds in the forest.
I used to apparently have a 'weird gait' that my parents forced me to change in high school. I never noticed it until then, either, when it was pointed out to me.
I do make and (try to) maintain eye contact). It is still hard for me to look in people's eyes, but I know that I 'have to' if I don't want to be seen as untrustworthy or distant. Still, it makes me uncomfortable and anxious.
Even despite my attempts, I still get told that I'm emotionally distant regardless and that I come off as cold and unfeeling. As a kid and all the way through my teenage years I was filled with anger and hostility and I lashed out, but I've distanced myself in order to stop that. It's hard to find a balance and hard for me to make or maintain friends because I am, by my own admission, terribly aloof and can be flighty. I don't 'connect' to people well and I usually just prefer my own solitude.
I always escaped into Maladaptive Daydreaming, too. I roleplay, I draw and I prefer my fantasy world to the harsh and hard realities of this one. I connect better with animals than I do people, too. I have a dog and live alone with him now and he's the best roommate I've ever had.
But everything is just so overwhelming to me. I would love to be seen by a professional but I'm not sure anymore. I don't know what I would do with a diagnosis or how to even get one as an adult. I'm a military veteran and I get all of my health care through them for free. I don't even know where to start, sorry this is so disjointed, but it's all I can think to say.
