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Unintentional Patronising

T

thejuice

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Anyone have the tendency to make people feel patronised unintentionally?

Most of the time I'm just making conversation and I'll say something and they assume im trying to teach them or something when I know they probably know, i'm just making conversation.

Like just now when I was talking with someone about why she prefers cats and I said you can't leave a dog on its own and they replied "yeah, obviously"

Honestly it's easier going back to being mute and not try. Or just talk to nerds.
 
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Facts vs Feelings. You wanted to be amiable, so you provided a fact to support their position, but it was the wrong one /lol.

You'll never know why this happened, but you might have been able to figure it out on the spot if you tried.
The question to ask yourself is always the same: "What was the discussion immediately before your comment actually about?"

Usually you won't be able to answer, but keep trying. Progress will be glacially slow, but it will occur.

BTW - that wasn't a suggestion about what to say next. It's what to do with your next 5 seconds.
Don't involve the other person in the "what just happened?" question.
 
Yes, I have sadly and really working on not being so, towards my husband. Happily, seems to be working. But, it truly is me checking my voice on how I say things ( helps that I am quite the actress, as in I am able to adapt fast to a given emotion). So, I can hear when I am being patronising and thus, can hear when my voice is gentle.

However, that is in response to being on the receiving end and because I am the one who thinks: well if I show respect, then surely, my husband will give the same? Again, something is working, because he has suggested something to help me, which before he barely thought about my needs.
 
I have been told I have a teacher's voice (well just once)

Having grown up with received pronunciation, it probably increases the received patronisation lol
 
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Hypnalis said:
Facts vs Feelings. You wanted to be amiable, so you provided a fact to support their position, but it was the wrong one /lol.

You'll never know why this happened, but you might have been able to figure it out on the spot if you tried.
The question to ask yourself is always the same: "What was the discussion immediately before your comment actually about?"

Usually you won't be able to answer, but keep trying. Progress will be glacially slow, but it will occur.

BTW - that wasn't a suggestion about what to say next. It's what to do with your next 5 seconds.
Don't involve the other person in the "what just happened?" question.
Click to expand...
She was talking about if she had a dog it would have to be chill and low maintenance like a cat (although privately I don't agree cats are that chill lol)

And yes i was trying to empathise by inferring that a dog for a sociable young woman is not that appropriate although everyone is different
 
My long time autistic friend started doing that about 10 years ago, with a twist. I will be saying something obscure, and then back up to explain and he'll harshly cut me off with "I'm not stupid!". Yet when I assume he  does know something obscure, he'll cut me off with "How am I supposed to know that?" It's very frustrating, and frankly it has led to me responding only and not initiating conversations with him.
 
Wish People were easier lol. I also had a probable autistic ex friend who often pulled me up on these things. Autistic people perhaps are more prone to accidently patronise but also maybe be more sensitive when on the recieving end. Slight paradox. She was also a Guardian newspaper reader so probably thought I was doing some wicked mansplaining.

That's why I'm a dog person!
 
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No, I don't patronise much, intentionally or unintentionally. But it doesn't make you a bad person or anything.

I'm not the sort to give facts, because I don't know much about much. I assume people know what they're doing.
I used to think I was socially awkward due to not giving enough information to people during conversations. But I think people like that part of me, because they probably feel they can tell me anything and I'll just agree and say "that's nice". But I do know a lot of people who do give facts about everything you do, like they seem to know a lot more than I do. Which they probably do.

Not sure if this is patronising but when my husband's first grandchild was born I told him that his daughter may feel a little depressed at first (I believe it's post natal depression or something like that). I was just warning him in case she phoned in an anxious state or something. But he just said "oh, don't make stuff up!" in a panicked sort of voice. But I understand that he probably said that like that because he just wanted everything to be OK. Maybe it's a bit of an anxious time for parents when their first grandchild is born.
 
Sounds like you were meant to be on the receiving end of "wisdom" and she got a bit snippy when you approached it as a conversation. I think the right response was "you know, you're right, every day is a school day" or "is that the time?"

One of the big issues with ASD is that we become highly introspective and assume we must have been at fault in these situations. Half the time you're probably not.

ETA: It's highly speculative, and can reinforce negative thoughts, but it CAN be fun to speak the unspoken end of her sentence. My guess would be it was "yeah, obviously, who's the teacher here?"
 
thejuice said:
She was talking about if she had a dog it would have to be chill and low maintenance like a cat (although privately I don't agree cats are that chill lol)

And yes i was trying to empathise by inferring that a dog for a sociable young woman is not that appropriate although everyone is different
Click to expand...
I'm sure that's what she was saying, but are you sure it's what the conversation was about?

I can't know of course. And it's probably too far in the past for you to look for a second topic.

I can say one thing with confidence though: an irrational/inappropriate response is a fairly good indicator (50% or so) that something else is going on.

But what? Some scenarios
* Perhaps she's hungry, and her politeness filters aren't running at full capacity.
* Perhaps she likes weaving in "stingers" just for fun, and this one wasn't quite right for the situation.
Things like that don't have a deeper meaning.

** Perhaps she didn't like your "tone" (it's possible to sound too confident), and was politely checking you
That one would be a potential "learning experience". Most of us can learn to anticipate that, and learn to avoid it. But at best it takes time to experience enough "random samples" (you can't speed it up by running experiments).

* Or it could be any number of other things - if I stay with this ordering, sooner or later I'd get to things like "doesn't like you at all, and was trying to start a fight" :)
But somewhere along the line it could equally be a love story - "the cat story" as a platform to context-switch to testing for relationship prospects, and you blocked it by getting analytical about the difference between cats and dogs :)

IRL you have to go with assuming it's something small, but ask yourself the "meta question" above anyway. Every now and then you'll learn something useful about the person and/or communication.

BTW: I wrote the previous paragraph in a slightly lecturing tone, as though I know everything about you and have exactly the right advice (both clearly untrue). It may not trigger you, but there are certainly people who don't like that style. With a tiny "respin" it probably wouldn't have the same effect.

Given your title and first post, my guess is that it was actually case "**", and some barely perceptible imperfection in your phrasing.
 
No no I think it's a great post

I sometimes feel patronised by family so there must be something in my delivery that I need to work on.
 
I normally don't go with copying other people's communication styles, but here's something to try (just temporarily though):

Listen to the way your family "frame" when they state opinions and facts, and do something similar.

The "classic" is people who lead with: (a) "I feel ..."; (b) "I feel like ..."; (c) "I feel like it should be...". You may not want to copy this exactly (it's "gender asymmetrical"), but if it's in use, listen for it, including for the mid-sentence varieties.

Listen for the version of the same thing within the group that suits your own style best, and start using it.
It gives you some leeway until you can figure out if your tone of voice is problematic.

As an exercise, try to correlate those conditionals with the accuracy of the information that follows.
 
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Our voice carries context, and our choice of words carries context, that's two ways to screw up simple talk. If either of those are delivered differently or incorrectly, then we have tripped in communication. I have to be fully present in small talk or l come across as not caring, or rude or whatever.
 
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