Unmasking is more of a learning curve than I thought it would be

[SDRSpark]

I guess I'm surprised and wondering what others think of this, because I'm fairly confident that I'm not the only one who has experienced this.

I've suspected that I'm autistic for years, but only in the past year have I really dug in, learned about it and started to really identify as autistic and what that means. I've never really masked completely effectively (I mask well enough to get by more or less) and I'm not unmasking much more in person (because I still need to get along at work, etc.) I'm learning about sensory issues, learning about stims, learning about how my brain works differently from the typical brain and how that explains most of the issues I've had socially over the years.

I even realized that I really don't have a good grasp on my emotions and what I'm actually feeling, so I've been working on recognizing my emotions, and processing them effectively (which is a heck of a lot easier when I can understand what they actually are - I had seriously misidentified every painful emotion that wasn't anger as anxiety and I suspect I never would have been diagnosed with anxiety disorders if I'd known that...well, what I was experiencing wasn't anxiety! I also spent years misidentifying sensory meltdowns as panic attacks, and wondering why my panic attacks didn't look like those described by others. Now I know I almost never have panic attacks and when I do, something happened to really trigger it and it's not without a clear outside cause.) I basically went from having three emotions (anger, anxiety, and happiness) to being able to recognize a plethora of subtle things that I hadn't really been aware of before (because I lumped everything into one of the big three). This has, I think, radically improved my ability to communicate because I can actually articulate what's going on in my head.

I've been really caught off guard by just how much I don't know about how to actually be myself in this world (I really thought I had that down!). I'm learning how to effectively stim for instance - because before, it was just this weird thing that I couldn't stop myself from doing, or "nervous energy" and I guess I thought that, when I decided to embrace it, I would just do it more often, but I'm surprised to find out that I now know that it's a tool that can be used deliberately to focus and self regulate, instead of just something that I do for reasons I don't fully understand. It's not just a thing that I do that others don't, it's a thing that I can use. This was an unexpected revelation. Of course, no one told me growing up that if I play with a fidget spinner to keep my hands busy I can pay closer attention to what's being said - I knew that, but it never occurred to me that I could deliberately use the fidget spinner for that purpose (in NT world such things are seen as a sign that you definitely aren't paying attention and I've been scolded for it most of my life. So while I knew I focus better if I am doing something with my hands, it never occurred to me that it's something I can deliberately do.)

It also added an extra layer of frustration as I realized that these are things I could have learned a long time ago except that I was piled with wrong diagnoses and brushed off in various ways whenever I brought up autism or Asperger's - all the therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists I saw could have helped me understand all of this stuff a lot earlier in life (that's what I was paying them for) but they kept shoving other diagnoses and treatments at me instead. I'm not just coping (by which I mean, not making a major disaster of anything and getting by at life), I'm actively thriving, no thanks to the various mental health professionals I've seen over the years.

This is turning into a novel, which I didn't exactly intend, but long story short, I thought it would be like "oh, yeah, I'm autistic and I'm going to just be myself now" like flipping a switch, and instead it's been a long rabbit hole of discovery and learning.

 

[tree]

The thread link below has material related this topic.
Also, it contains links to other threads about masking.

Trying to take the mask off

 

[SDRSpark]

The thread link below has material related this topic.
Also, it contains links to other threads about masking.

Trying to take the mask off

Thanks!!!

 

[Tom]

I think it is true of our self knowledge in general, the learning never ends, if you allow it. But everyone is the same I believe in having regrets about how things were or what happened along the way. When pyschology is concerned I think there is extra room for misteps as it is not exactly an exact science yet. If you gave the same set of information to three different professionals, you might very well get three different diagnoses.

But I have found each new bit of self awareness a good thing and something that can improve my life in general and with others. And rather then think about what I might have done if I'd had this new tool back when, think it better to focus on what I can do with it now. It is something of a burden, to always have to be learning, but also a benefit to always be experiencing improvement and greater understanding.

 

[Peter Morrison]

SDRSpark, what you are experiencing is identical to what I am still going through since acknowledging ASD almost 2 years ago. I realized that I was not allowed to express various emotions as a kid because nobody was there to help me understand them and help me put them into perspective. I ended up keeping all of my emotions to myself - the good ones and the bad ones also. This does interrupt a natural flow of personal interaction in situations that involve emotions. I categorize myself as one of those ASD people with little to no empathy. In reality, I had the emotions but simply suppressed them all. In doing so, I never discussed them with anyone and I seemed to be harsh or cold to others who express emotions more freely. It was near impossible for me to put myself in another person's situation to imagine what they might be feeling. I just accepted whatever was happening to me in life and never expressed dissatisfaction, fear, or happiness. Feelings were private.

It is easier to dive into my emotional quagmire now because I have a recognizable condition at the base of it all. It has been easier for me to go back and reevaluate what I thought had been the reasons for my strange, and sometimes embarrassing behavior. I am much better at understanding another person's plight because I allow myself to leave the dysfunctional comfort of being somewhat stoic and open myself emotionally. I have not lost any of myself by doing this. My emotionally repressed side is still there if I need it. The difference is that I now understand it for its dysfunctional influence.

There is a certain strength that comes from emotional stress, similar to the value of the phrase "That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger". By grasping this newly-found emotional reality, I feel as if I somehow managed to weather my stress fairly well, even though it was a struggle that I didn't care to have in my life. Such is ASD. The more I learn about myself (again), the clearer reality becomes. It's as if life was like putting together a complicated piece of furniture or a 1950s bicycle, but you have the wrong instructions booklet. After trying and failing at the assembly process over and over again, I know the parts pretty well. Now, with the right set of instructions, I can breeze through the task with total clarity and accuracy. Wax on, wax off.

In my opinion, people never stop growing. Those who think they know it all wouldn't agree with me. Some people have trouble evolving because their beliefs seem to be molded to a foundation, and nobody wants cracks in their foundation. We have to risk the cracks to put things right. Having things right makes those cracks irrelevant. It's a newer and better world.

 

[Aspychata]

Hey congrats on all this new self-awareness. It's great to actually understand yourself and feel less like an outsider and you feel more in control, so the payoff is huge. For me, less denial, less emotional eating and zero meltdowns and less drama.

Maybe just view yourself as a work in progress, construction zone, replacing your hardware, under new management, please excuse the mess while l upgrade and update. Lol

 

[Mia]

I basically went from having three emotions (anger, anxiety, and happiness) to being able to recognize a plethora of subtle things that I hadn't really been aware of before (because I lumped everything into one of the big three).

Something I've been figuring out in the last five years as well. Initially all of it was sadness, happiness (which I thought was excitement/hyperactivity) or anger. Began to realize that there were many things in between.

What was I exactly feeling? I had to stop and think and narrow it down in attempting to understand, am I angry, irritable or exasperated or frustrated? Was I happy? Cheerful, content, satisfied, relieved? Was that feeling I had sadness, dissappointment, shame, sympathy? Very often, I have to stop and consider that I was unaware of what I was feeling. And I listened to other people who indentified my obvious emotions, seemingly without my understanding the dimensions of it all.

Realizing all the facets of this, has made me want it to be simpler, it seems complicated. And yes I had to look up emotions and see how many there were. Attempting to indentify and specifically attempt to understand what I was feeling.

 

[Aspychata]

Something I've been figuring out in the last five years as well. Inititally all of it was sadness, happiness (which I thought was excitement/hyperactivity) or anger. Began to realize that there were many things in between.

What was I exactly feeling? I had to stop and think and narrow it down in attemping to understand, am I angry, irritable or exasperated or frustrated? Was I happy? Cheerful, content, satisfied, relieved? Was that feeling I had sadness, dissappointment, shame, sympathy? Very often, I have to stop and consider that I was unaware of what I was feeling. And I listened to other people who indentified my obvious emotions, seemingly without my understanding the dimensions of it all.

Realizing all the facets of this, has made me want it to be simpler, it seems complicated. And yes I had to look up emotions and see how many there were. Attempting to indentify what I was actually feeling.

Guess there are defintely 2 types at this forum, some of us are at a loss of what we are feeling, the other half don't feel it until next week, next month, next leap year or stay in denial forever.

 

[Thinx]

I think the fact that I spent years of doing self development through books and going to therapy groups helped me develop quite a good understanding of myself and my emotions, though without understanding the core issue of autism. I never went down a medical route, I did it all at my expense and was fortunately able to get reasonably well paid work.

It was only when I started to feel like people were saying the same basic things to me about how to develop social skills in unstructured social interaction that I already knew wouldn't work, started to feel there must be some other factor, that I also stumbled across autism and Aspergers, and realised it applied to me and was the missing piece of the puzzle.

I stopped going to any therapy at that point, and although I looked for some usefully developmental further alternatives, I haven't really found anything, and possibly it isn't out there. Everything's too basic or if sophisticated too NT dominated. We are anything but stupid, but we have a different profile of developmental needs and need different environments for development from NTs therefore.

 

[Rasputin]

If one doesn't feel any emotion that is not really denial. I could try to fake emotion, but then I would be extremely phony. I do agree though, that some of us have very low empathy. The more trauma one has experienced, the more one suppresses their feelings.

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

Guess there are defintely 2 types at this forum, some of us are at a loss of what we are feeling, the other half don't feel it until next week, next month, next leap year or stay in denial forever.

I'm both by rapid turns or at the same time! But at least I know that much!