Upcoming holiday gatherings...

[Chance]

Here in the U.S. 'Thanksgiving' is in just a little more than 2 weeks... A little of my personal history might reveal why I don't jump up and down over this holiday. For one I am Canadian/American and for two... I have lots of Native American blood line in me...

So I have to sort of pretend to be thankful for many of my ancestors being thinned out and shoved onto reservations, to allow the creation of this thing we call the American dream...

Yet, yes... I am thankful for this great experience I get to live. I am thankful for my life, so I do try and turn this around to not be some form of a silent hater...

Yes, I know I can raise a huge fuss with people over this, and I don't want to do that, ever.
That is never the intent of this post, so please know that I respect the heritages of others also.

It is what it is. My issue with this post is about going into this holiday with the correct mindset.

In the past this has been a tough thing for me to deal with... I have a family, yet no mom, no real deal with my dad... And a lot of this family shared in getting me raised to an adult... So I cant be horribly smug and rude in all this.

I kind of go off in differing directions on all this... I often feel a deep sadness for a forgotten people, and of course I already feel disconnected with this whole mass of family and friends talking over each other. It's loud, its crowded, people are making others pose for stupid pictures, I often have to eat food I might not like - in order to not offend others... and the list goes on and on...

In the past, I have even transferred out, to work on the West Coast to avoid this, but this year that isn't going to be a viable excuse. I already asked, its all covered...
What a sad excuse to reach that deep to avoid this... : (

So I have to face the facts... This is a part of the human connection and it is coming soon.
I will have to face this, and deal with this head on this year. I'm a grown up and I need to act as such... as much as possible.

I was just informed on where to be, and how this was going to go... x, y, and z.
I'm trying very hard to not have one of my little messed up funks right now...

So I am trying to think of ways that will allow me to do this thing, I have no want too do.
Sure I will take my computer, my headphones, my hiking gear, my running shoes, my normal stuff I have everyday...

But the first thing that will happen is... I will be accused for not wanting to participate or communicate. I will be asked when the cat is going to give my tongue back? People try and force me into conversations, and head games, thats where I start malfunctioning...

I DO NOT want to cause any sort of scene... I do not want to attract unwanted attention...
I do not want any kind of special treatment... I truly wish I wasn't invited, and I of course have to deal with some tough marriage issues, and be present with this whole thing in real time...

However, I have to find the courage to stand up to it, for my son, for my own integrity, and for my own growth into a better version of myself.

So the reason for this post is simple... I am asking for ideas... what works for you? What helps when you are out of place, or feel out of place? I am looking for things I can mold into making this a positive event, not a shutdown (thats the last thing I want).

This isn't about me being cute, or playing the fake... Its about fitting in as who I am.
No games, but not ever trying to cause any issues. So, yes I know I have to find a way to knock it up couple of notches, and I just don't know where to even start anymore.

I suck so bad at meaningless conversation... If it has a purpose, if there is some logic in it... Then yes, I can sort of navigate that in short instances...

See at work I get with the guys and tell them, or hand them a sheet of what needs done, and I go do my thing unless some emergency pops up... So literally I have like 5 minutes of real time discussion in a full day at work moist the time...

Its when I get stuck in places filled with people sharing rooms and bathrooms, crowded in all these meals, and the long hours of this going on and on... I'm trying to unsee a potential nightmare.

Its been really dysfunctional in the past... Everyone is happy to see each other, and then before you know it, someone has given a look, a smirk, or makes a cut remark, and I have seen this turn ugly on day one... of four long days. I have already trimmed mine to two and a half, so that helps some... If any bad weather rolls in I can cut it some more maybe... See more excuses to not do this... I'm fighting this internal funk that is screaming no, do not go...

I know this much... I am in the house of experts with these questions.
Who could I ask, that would even be able to grasp the concept of what we deal with?

So, I respect any ideas you might have. Maybe it will help someone else also.

 

[Gritches]

ugh, I know that kind of gathering. These days I just refuse to participate in that. But when I did bother to deal with it, I would deal with it by finding a place that was unoccupied - a garage, or an unused room in basement or some such usually - and just sort of dedicate a lot of my time to trying to slip away into that hiding place for short breaks until I was good to go again. Being a smoker was actually pretty convenient for this purpose, which I don't advocate for anyone I'm just saying is all.

-

As for Thanksgiving in general, I almost hate it more than Christmas. Another holiday centered around stuffing your face with as much food as you can fit in your guts with hours (or days) of mindless prattle before and after. Hooray. Oh, and holidays plus the infamous "Minnesota Long Goodbye"? Forget about it.

 

[OkRad]

Several ideas:

I refuse to fight this one anyone. No more holidays unless I am in control of leaving when I want. No more faking and forcing it. Not enough emotion fortitude left to fight like that anymore. Life is hard enough.

Here are some things I do-

1. One, I often DO claim the Canadian Thanksgiving!!: Already done it, thanks.

2. Think of it the same way Atheists still celebrate Christmas. A relative of mine is a staunch atheist and yet comes just to celebrate with us.

3. Go somewhere else. I usually head out the the gym or any open store. Just to be alone after saying hi and all.

 

[Mia]

I get you, and luckily as a female from a quite traditional family, I get to hide in the kitchen, so I keep busy. Making food, doing dishes, I bring stuff for the kids, last time it was super- duper water pistols, and we soaked one another for most of time I was there. Being really busy with the food means I don't have to talk except in short sentences. I walked the dogs quite a lot, played with the cats.

Then I organized all kinds of games for the kids, and participated in them, so did my spouse, soaked and deliriously happy he ran around for hours, I had to make him come in because he was shivering. I went to a dollar store before I went and bought bags of plastic stuff, for kids to play with. Then we just played. Also bought all kinds of practical joke stuff, like whoopee cushions, sneezing powder. In the name of practical jokes, you can do just about anything. And people won't get mad at you, they just have to laugh. You could be the jokiest person ever to enter that place, and have fun at the same time.

Have missed family gatherings at canadian thanksgiving for at least ten years. Both myself and my husband used to have lots of 'work' at that time of year. We celebrate it quietly with a traditional native meal of squash and corn or pumpkin, cranberries, and whatever we have a surplus of at the time.

Traditionally, it was to celebrate the final harvest of food and the excess of fresh food, that wouldn't keep for the winter. Before the long, dark days of less sun and warmth.

 

[OkRad]

I get you, and luckily as a female from a quite traditional family, I get to hide in the kitchen, so I keep busy. Making food, doing dishes, I bring stuff for the kids, last time it was super- duper water pistols, and we soaked one another for most of time I was there. Being really busy with the food means I don't have to talk except in short sentences. I walked the dogs quite a lot, played with the cats.

Then I organized all kinds of games for the kids, and participated in them, so did my spouse, soaked and deliriously happy he ran around for hours, I had to make him come in because he was shivering. I went to a dollar store before I went and bought bags of plastic stuff, for kids to play with. Then we just played. Also bought all kinds of practical joke stuff, like whoopee cushions, sneezing powder. In the name of practical jokes, you can do just about anything. And people won't get mad at you, they just have to laugh. You could be the jokiest person ever to enter that place, and have fun at the same time.

This is great because a lot of us are still like kids! Kids love me because I get down there and play the games they like to play. Digging a hole to China? Aunt OKRAD is so there. Making mud pies? Oh yeah, OKRAD pies are the best. Laying in the grass and counting creatures........OKRAD likes that, too!

Then they turn about 14 and think, "Hmmmm.......poor OKRAD. Why does she still want to make mud pies? Poor Aunty OKRAD."

 

[kay]

Oh, no, it's that soon? I'd sorta kept thinking I had a month still.

When I was a kid I could just sorta hide. Now I am an adult and Thanksgiving is at my house. Fortunately I will be with people who are apparently perfectly ok with people sorta going off alone for awhile so maybe it won't be super bad. But it will still be more people at my table than I am comfy with.

Sorry you feel you have to go. And I agree that the holiday is kinda a messed up celebration of the beginnings of a genocide. It could also be seen as a celebration of unabashed capitalism and greed. Here at home we pretty much consider it a day to celebrate grease fires and turkey and pumpkins, and try to ignore the origins. The colonies and the United States have a mostly disturbing history that leaves little to be happy about. So, we try to think of food instead.

If you can hide in the kitchen that might help. Wish I could offer good advice. Hope it goes better than expected and that someone on here has a good solution for you.

 

[Flinty]

We have lucked out, having stopped the family gatherings at holidays about a decade ago. Now gatherings center around my dad's various medical appointments. We're at least all smart enough to know how irrelevant artificial gathering excuses actually are.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

At the very worst, in real time, :

Imagine the people's heads are oranges. Swapping from head to head moved by an invisible hand...

Yeh I'd be on the side of bringing up the genocide.... smallpox yay

Was listening to a podcast about the Osage people. They were moved as a result of fights over resources. The tribal leader said 'where do we have to go to get away from the white man?'
They picked and were given lands in Oklahoma. With mineral rights, so Guess where the largest oil find was back in the day?. Even when the land was sold the tribe retained rights to the oil. Was listening and thought this was great-till the murders started. Ended up being one of the crimes that helped Hoover found the FBI.

Anyway....

The orange meditation only works if you don't tell people
Other fruits are also available.

Sounds like a tough gig, remember, if an orange started to diss you, you wouldn't get upset. It's just an orange.

 

[Streetwise]

Here in the U.S. 'Thanksgiving' is in just a little more than 2 weeks... A little of my personal history might reveal why I don't jump up and down over this holiday. For one I am Canadian/American and for two... I have lots of Native American blood line in me...

So I have to sort of pretend to be thankful for many of my ancestors being thinned out and shoved onto reservations, to allow the creation of this thing we call the American dream...

Yet, yes... I am thankful for this great experience I get to live. I am thankful for my life, so I do try and turn this around to not be some form of a silent hater...

Yes, I know I can raise a huge fuss with people over this, and I don't want to do that, ever.
That is never the intent of this post, so please know that I respect the heritages of others also.

It is what it is. My issue with this post is about going into this holiday with the correct mindset.

In the past this has been a tough thing for me to deal with... I have a family, yet no mom, no real deal with my dad... And a lot of this family shared in getting me raised to an adult... So I cant be horribly smug and rude in all this.

I kind of go off in differing directions on all this... I often feel a deep sadness for a forgotten people, and of course I already feel disconnected with this whole mass of family and friends talking over each other. It's loud, its crowded, people are making others pose for stupid pictures, I often have to eat food I might not like - in order to not offend others... and the list goes on and on...

In the past, I have even transferred out, to work on the West Coast to avoid this, but this year that isn't going to be a viable excuse. I already asked, its all covered...
What a sad excuse to reach that deep to avoid this... : (

So I have to face the facts... This is a part of the human connection and it is coming soon.
I will have to face this, and deal with this head on this year. I'm a grown up and I need to act as such... as much as possible.

I was just informed on where to be, and how this was going to go... x, y, and z.
I'm trying very hard to not have one of my little messed up funks right now...

So I am trying to think of ways that will allow me to do this thing, I have no want too do.
Sure I will take my computer, my headphones, my hiking gear, my running shoes, my normal stuff I have everyday...

But the first thing that will happen is... I will be accused for not wanting to participate or communicate. I will be asked when the cat is going to give my tongue back? People try and force me into conversations, and head games, thats where I start malfunctioning...

I DO NOT want to cause any sort of scene... I do not want to attract unwanted attention...
I do not want any kind of special treatment... I truly wish I wasn't invited, and I of course have to deal with some tough marriage issues, and be present with this whole thing in real time...

However, I have to find the courage to stand up to it, for my son, for my own integrity, and for my own growth into a better version of myself.

So the reason for this post is simple... I am asking for ideas... what works for you? What helps when you are out of place, or feel out of place? I am looking for things I can mold into making this a positive event, not a shutdown (thats the last thing I want).

This isn't about me being cute, or playing the fake... Its about fitting in as who I am.
No games, but not ever trying to cause any issues. So, yes I know I have to find a way to knock it up couple of notches, and I just don't know where to even start anymore.

I suck so bad at meaningless conversation... If it has a purpose, if there is some logic in it... Then yes, I can sort of navigate that in short instances...

See at work I get with the guys and tell them, or hand them a sheet of what needs done, and I go do my thing unless some emergency pops up... So literally I have like 5 minutes of real time discussion in a full day at work moist the time...

Its when I get stuck in places filled with people sharing rooms and bathrooms, crowded in all these meals, and the long hours of this going on and on... I'm trying to unsee a potential nightmare.

Its been really dysfunctional in the past... Everyone is happy to see each other, and then before you know it, someone has given a look, a smirk, or makes a cut remark, and I have seen this turn ugly on day one... of four long days. I have already trimmed mine to two and a half, so that helps some... If any bad weather rolls in I can cut it some more maybe... See more excuses to not do this... I'm fighting this internal funk that is screaming no, do not go...

I know this much... I am in the house of experts with these questions.
Who could I ask, that would even be able to grasp the concept of what we deal with?

So, I respect any ideas you might have. Maybe it will help someone else also.

A quote from John Wesley people "like to see people burn "what I was thinking was self confidence, if you are very confident in what you believe people can't try to change you, I think what John Wesley was saying was, if something holds their attention they can't do what they normally do ,like shock therapy .
If you understand the term prayer closet the new Testament instructs us to get in our prayer closet and pray ,fasting is supposed to help ,not necessarily food just maybe something you do a lot ,just stop doing it ,presumably leave space for something else.
Rest more that will reduce the stress do more things that reduce stress .
Ask The holy spirit specifically about each person ,I remember going to a respite house with my mam ,immediately you walked in the door there was a beautiful feeling ,peace is what people would probably call it ,it was a Servite Convent as well as a respite house.

 

[Sabrina]

I get you, and luckily as a female from a quite traditional family, I get to hide in the kitchen, so I keep busy. Making food, doing dishes, I bring stuff for the kids, last time it was super- duper water pistols, and we soaked one another for most of time I was there. Being really busy with the food means I don't have to talk except in short sentences. .

@Mia For me that’s even worse. I’m lost in a kitchen that it’s not mine. People expect me to ‘cooperate’ as a ‘woman’ and I don’t now how, and I’m always nervous that I’m going to drop or break something or cut myself (it has happened).

When my kids were babies or toddlers, it was great because nobody cares about a mom that can’t chat because she’s taking care of her baby.

For the rest, family gatherings can be a whole rainbow of awkward for me ( in the past; I don’t see them much now).

@Chance sorry, poor you. If you endure that, you should reward yourself afterwads for all your great effort. So, when you are in the middle of chit chat hell, you check out, and think of the prize that you will give yourself afterwards for being so brave .

 

[Streetwise]

A quote from John Wesley people "like to see people burn "what I was thinking was self confidence, if you are very confident in what you believe people can't try to change you, I think what John Wesley was saying was, if something holds their attention they can't do what they normally do ,like shock therapy .
If you understand the term prayer closet the new Testament instructs us to get in our prayer closet and pray ,fasting is supposed to help ,not necessarily food just maybe something you do a lot ,just stop doing it ,presumably leave space for something else.
Rest more that will reduce the stress do more things that reduce stress .
Ask The holy spirit specifically about each person ,I remember going to a respite house with my mam ,immediately you walked in the door there was a beautiful feeling ,peace is what people would probably call it ,it was a Servite Convent as well as a respite house.

You know the problems I have ,I've been stopping this last short while -this is what works for me and taking a breath as I usually barely breathe at all .

 

[fairy_girl]

I mostly hang out with the kids during holidays, they don't judge me at all and I have things in common with them. Sadly I have gotten into vetting kids since most kids nowadays since they are wrapped up in themselves with no regard for others feelings when they are starting to get around 7 to 10 years old. I will admit that I do the same sometimes but I do try to make an effort because I know how it feels to be ignored and to be looked down on.

The family drama always tends to get too bad during the holidays so I love staying home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. My mom wants to enjoy her family but when she does she is disappointed and always says that she never wants to do it again.

 

[Bolletje]

I'm glad my family doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving, (which wouldn't make sense, being Dutch and all) but we do have a big family dinner every year. I usually make sure to have some Vital Tasks that give me an excuse to opt out of socializing when I feel like it:
- I take care of the drinks. I make sure everyone has something to drink at all time (so: excuse to leave the room when I spot an empty glass). I also make sure the fridge is stocked with drinks)
- I take care of the food. I help out with cooking, with serving the food and taking the dishes, but most importantly: I make sure that I am the one to prepare a few dishes, using a recipe only known to me, so no one has to help me around the kitchen. I can send them off with a friendly "I've got this, you go enjoy the party". Then enjoy the relative quiet of being in the kitchen by myself.
- I seat myself next to my grandfather, who is hard of hearing and has a hard time following any conversation in a loud room unless the person is seated next to him. This way he gets to talk to someone and I have an excuse not to engage with everyone.
- Last but not least: I drink. Which is not meant as advice, but just my honest confession of what makes the holidays easier on me. I don't get drunk, but I drink enough to care a little less about all the things I might feel anxious about otherwise.

 

[Suzanne]

For me, I feel so blessed, because I keep away from world holidays and thus , saves the mental anguish of dealing with a lot of noise, light and people.

 

[Streetwise]

For me, I feel so blessed, because I keep away from world holidays and thus , saves the mental anguish of dealing with a lot of noise, light and people.

May I ask do you celebrate the feasts of the Lord ?such as pass over ,Succoth,Hanukkah -A lot of Christians celebrate them now as we realise the bible never said not to , it just said we would not be stuck in dead religion.

 

[Chance]

I like seeing all the different "traditions" and non-tractions in this...

I like seeing the diversity, it lets me grasp so much more than what I can ever see on my own.

I haven't been going so I feel a little guilty about this...
I have had work excuses, but I don't this year, and I don't want to lie and sit around worried about all that...

Its just a family gathering... Why all the anguish? Past incidents I guess, but past is past.
So I go with the mindset of a fresh start... Maybe everyone else is thinking the same thing...
Maybe they are all worried like this? Maybe I'm crazy, because 20 bucks says they aren't going to even think on it until time to rush out the door...

So far I have seen some great hints listed here... I knew you all would have good ideas : )

(1)I will take Mia (my Ridgeback), hoping that isn't an issue in itself. I will give her a good bath and make her smell good. She can sleep in the back the SUV if its a problem. I will sleep there with her if they don't watch out! She is zero trouble, and never gets into anything. She's like the worlds calmest dog...
I love her a lot. She will give me legit reasons to get out and get away some.

(2)I'm not a good practical joker - but I may try to come up with something... excellent idea.
I have these colored smoke pellets... I can throw in the fire place and they make these cool colored smoke. The kids will like that. Chance can play Merlin... (vanishing trick is my best act) : )

(3)I will try and find a way to stay busy. Maybe I can do drinks or something... Go gather fire wood, run last minute errands...

(4) Maybe no meds... Instead get a little "drunkish..." Zero alcohol with Wellbutrin, it is known to cause bad seizures, and I am a very shaky person (when upset) - so no way...

I won't ever get drunk... I don't do well and I loose control to easy. Rum or Vodka is about the only alcohol that doesn't make me sick. Beer equals instant massive stomach ache, unless its Angry Orchard (apple beer), it seems to be okay. This is a maybe... I'm not much on drinking, but it might help. So I will tuck in some Captain Morgan for emergencies... : )

BTW- I would never drink and drive so no worries there... This is one reason, this is so "iffy." It locks me down and I cant go anywhere for a while. I don't need to be driving off a mountain in Colorado.

Thanks for the good ideas and the diversity of thought... It got me out the funk... I can do this.
Its just a normal thing that normal people do... Its not like I am going into outer space, even though that would be much more exciting...

 

[Bolletje]

Next year's holiday season: ASPIES.. IN.. SPAAAAACE!
Now that would be an excuse for skipping Thanksgiving dinner

 

[Mia]

I like your dog's name

 

[Mia]

@Mia For me that’s even worse. I’m lost in a kitchen that it’s not mine. People expect me to ‘cooperate’ as a ‘woman’ and I don’t now how, and I’m always nervous that I’m going to drop or break something or cut myself (it has happened).

It's the same for me Sabrina. Breaking things, one thanksgiving I broke my great-grandmothers glass dessert tray. Everyone's face did a as it fell to the floor and shattered.

When I'm in someone else's kitchen, I do exactly what they tell me to do. Usually they like to give me the tasks they don't like to do, peeling vegetables, making sauces, baking, taking out the garbage. They're nervous when I'm around, because I cooked professionally for years. They think I'm watching them, but I'm not, like them I'm avoiding the social aspects of the gathering.

So I do the prep cook thing, and dishes. Some tips for being in someone else's kitchen:

Familiarize yourself with what's in the drawers, cupboards. Ask the first time, where things are.

The person who's kitchen this is, will usually not like other people in their kitchen. Unless its a family member who they have cooked with before. Or they are all friends or family, and used to cooking together.

Keep to your assigned area, as if you're an employee. Like in a commercial kitchen where everyone has their stations.

Pay attention to what others are doing, so you don't run into them, or they into you.

Set yourself up in a place that won't be interfered with, table, counter, away from the stove, sink, refrigerator which generate lots of traffic.
Usually sitting at a table, or standing at a table to chop or mix or assemble food.

Space in kitchens is often heavily guarded

 

[Sabrina]

It's the same for me Sabrina. Breaking things, one thanksgiving I broke my great-grandmothers glass dessert tray. Everyone's face did a as it fell to the floor and shattered.

When I'm in someone else's kitchen, I do exactly what they tell me to do. Usually they like to give me the tasks they don't like to do, peeling vegetables, making sauces, baking, taking out the garbage. They're nervous when I'm around, because I cooked professionally for years. They think I'm watching them, but I'm not, like them I'm avoiding the social aspects of the gathering.

So I do the prep cook thing, and dishes. Some tips for being in someone else's kitchen:

Familiarize yourself with what's in the drawers, cupboards. Ask the first time, where things are.
The person who's kitchen this is, will usually not like other people in their kitchen. Unless its a family member who they have cooked with before. Or they are all friends or family, and used to cooking together.
Keep to your assigned area, as if you're an employee.
Pay attention to what others are doing, so you don't run into them, or they into you.
Set yourself up in a place that won't be interfered with, table, counter, away from the stove, sink, refrigerator which generate lots of traffic.
Usually sitting at a table, or standing at a table to chop or mix or assemble food.
Space in kitchens is often heavily guarded

Thank you @Mia , that’s all very ... aspie-specific, perfect.
I laughed about the dish that you broke, thank you, it made me feel better.