upset after disappointing someone

[laurie]

the other day i was at work and there’s a colleague food giveaway thing that u can get things from for free. so i texted my mum and asked her if she wanted doughnuts or fruit and she said that would be great and that she’s looking forward to it. fast forward to like 9:30 my shift is about to end i’m feeling emotional and tired and i go back to this food giveaway and all the stuff i wanted was gone. so i leave, my mum picks me up and asks me if i had the doughnuts and stuff and i say no and she says the dreaded words for me of “aww i was really looking forward to them”. this triggers an emotional response from me and i’ve now got it into my head that i’ve dissapoined her and she’s upset. so i spend the rest of the car journey apologising and then we get home and i go straight to bed very upset.

anyways i was wondering if anyone else experiences this rly bad sadness from dissapointing someone even if it’s a minor thing that they’ll forget about. and that’s the thing i understand that she’d probably forgotten by the time we got home but i couldn’t help but feel rly upset. i seem to have very high sympathy levels for minor things like that. the worst feeling for me is the feeling that follows when people saying something like “i was looking forward to *insert thing i’d promised*” i feel so bad i’m still thinking about it days later writing this

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I have done that, and even thinking about it I can still feel the regret and shame. The problem is I remember negative emotions so clearly and am now dealing with the fallout from that.

 

[watersprite]

if anyone else experiences this rly bad sadness from dissapointing someone

Yes. It’s almost like an alternate reality comes and grabs me. Sleeping helps but a hard workout, a shower then a meal is my way of coping.

 

[Suzette]

@laurie, I am a mom and 54. I tell you that to give you and idea about why I answer as I do.

Answer: You can not control, nor be responsible for, how other people think and feel. Your mom was voicing her disappointment, but she was not expecting you to make her happy. She knows that "sometimes you win and sometimes you lose". Truly your mother is not bothered by her disappointment very much. This disappointment was only a minor thing.

No matter what you do, other people that you know and love will have disappointments and even be sad or angry. But you do not cause these feelings. They are just part of being human.

You were very thoughtful to try to get your mom some treats. I am sure she loves that you tried. You will get treats for her a different day. Be kind to yourself.

 

[Aspychata]

Sometimes it's better just to surprise someone, less expectations all the way around. One day, totally surprise her. Then all will be forgiven.

 

[Tom]

Yes, but don't drag it out apologizing. Instead plan your comeback. That is how to get some donuts and surprize your Mom.

And next time try to get to the food share first. Even push people out of the way. Its considered legal when donuts are involved.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

This reminds me of some of the insecure comments my wife used to have when we were young. Wife: When I get older, you're going to leave me and find someone younger and prettier than me. Me: Don't worry about that. I have no desire to disappoint TWO women. I am perfectly fine with just disappointing you.

Having those feelings of disappointment with yourself is actually a good quality to have. It means you have a conscience and you care about someone other than yourself. That emotional response you have,...that sears that memory into your brain,...so you remember,...and perhaps avoid that situation in the future. Seriously, though, sounds like you didn't have much control over that situation. Like @Tom suggested, surprise her with donuts, or another favorite treat some day,...best when she least expects it.

 

[Varzar]

I tend to usually live more on the hyper-logical side than anything resembling emotional. So, I can't say I've experienced what you are experiencing. I'm sorry to hear such statements affect you in this way.

It may/may not help, but my logical brain thinks you have made an assumption when you react emotionally to your mom saying, “aww i was really looking forward to them”. The assumption is she is disappointed with you for not getting the donuts, as opposed to disappointed that the donuts were all gone, or that other people had already taken them.
Why does she have to be disappointed with *you*? You don't need to take someone's disappointment at a state (the state of "donuts are all gone"), and make it disappointment in you.

Also, as others have said, I would totally just take that as a cue and go grab some donuts for her next time you're out. Give them to her, and tell her you knew how she was looking forward to those donuts you were unable to score.. She'll be bragging to all her friends about how thoughtful you are for years to come.

 

[Alexej]

Answer: You can not control, nor be responsible for, how other people think and feel. Your mom was voicing her disappointment, but she was not expecting you to make her happy. She knows that "sometimes you win and sometimes you lose". Truly your mother is not bothered by her disappointment very much. This disappointment was only a minor thing.

No matter what you do, other people that you know and love will have disappointments and even be sad or angry. But you do not cause these feelings. They are just part of being human.

You were very thoughtful to try to get your mom some treats. I am sure she loves that you tried. You will get treats for her a different day. Be kind to yourself.

@Suzette as I read your reply I was thinking that this sounds like the typical male thing of having to fix things while women may often just want to express how they are feeling and be heard to be disappointed (in this case).

 

[Suzette]

@Suzette as I read your reply I was thinking that this sounds like the typical male thing of having to fix things while women may often just want to express how they are feeling and be heard to be disappointed (in this case).

Thank you for pointing that out. I am not a male, I am a mom. I suppose we want to "fix things" or help in some way too.
It is a good lesson for me to listen more and yap less.
Still, in a public forum, a variety of perspectives maybe helpful to the OP. One never knows if your comments will or will not be valuable. Maybe not today, but next week or next year.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

@Suzette as I read your reply I was thinking that this sounds like the typical male thing of having to fix things while women may often just want to express how they are feeling and be heard to be disappointed (in this case).

I make that assumption all the time to the annoyance of my spouse. So I've learned that everything doesn't need fixin'.
[edit, added]
I now use the Jimmy Buffet philosophy:
"But the right word at the right time
May get me a little hug
That’s the difference between lightning
And a harmless lightning bug."

 

[Varzar]

Thank you for pointing that out. I am not a male, I am a mom. I suppose we want to "fix things" or help in some way too.
It is a good lesson for me to listen more and yap less.
Still, in a public forum, a variety of perspectives maybe helpful to the OP. One never knows if your comments will or will not be valuable. Maybe not today, but next week or next year.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I thought @Alexej was referring to the OP as the male that feels like he wants to fix things with the mom who maybe just wanted to express her feelings.
I didn't think he meant you were acting as the male trying to fix things, just that your post made him think of it.

idk, maybe Alexej will clarify.. Multiple interpretations of words sometimes.

 

[Suzette]

It wouldn't be the first time I've misinterpreted things.

 

[rach3rd]

I experience that too @laurie. And because I forget things a lot I feel like I keep letting others down. If I can remember to write what I need to do down, then I can do pretty well, but that’s a big “if”.

 

[Alexej]

Maybe I'm wrong, but I thought @Alexej was referring to the OP as the male that feels like he wants to fix things with the mom who maybe just wanted to express her feelings.
I didn't think he meant you were acting as the male trying to fix things, just that your post made him think of it.

Spot on there @Varzar!
I felt that I had experienced this type of communication issue a couple of times myself, and when I went back and looked - behold the OP was male. What @Suzette was writing was just how I understand that women so often act - it was a good explanation to help clarify the reactions which the OP posted.

 

[Alexej]

Still, in a public forum, a variety of perspectives maybe helpful to the OP. One never knows if your comments will or will not be valuable. Maybe not today, but next week or next year.

Indeed that is the nature of a public forum that there are some comments which connect with you and some which don't, and the treasure of the thread is in the multitude of perspectives, the multitude of ways of looking at things which can be eye opening.

 

[RobZombiefan]

Yes, but don't drag it out apologizing. Instead plan your comeback. That is how to get some donuts and surprize your Mom.

And next time try to get to the food share first. Even push people out of the way. Its considered legal when donuts are involved.

I had to delete what I wrote you, beat me to it! Surprise the mom with the donuts!

 

[Martha Ferris]

I do not like disappointing others. I try very hard to do what I say I am going to do.
Would going to get donuts at another place have been an option even if you had to pay for them? Could you and your Mom have had a girls out moment at a donut shop? The situation could have been saved and thus you spared of your suffering. If one thing doesn't work what else can you do to meet your goal?

 

[watersprite]

There’s no need or logic to continueing to suffer over this. I try to remind myself of that. If you allow the emotional turmoil to continue it’ll be even harder to avoid letting someone or yourself down in the future.

 

[Progster]

It reminds me of the time I decided not to bring my sister pistachio nuts, but instead brought something else. I hadn't realised that those nuts were such a big deal for her. I felt really bad about it, for ages.

I think that we on the spectum are often more affected by negative emotion like guilt than most people, we find it harder to move on from this. The person might be disappointed, but within 5 minutes they've moved on, whereas we have a tendency to feel bad for ages, ruminate on it and over-think it.

And then, we get told: autistic people lack empathy...