Urgent please help (with boyfriend)

[Rebecccaaahhh]

hey all,
I’m writing this because of my boyfriend who is being tested for autism. In a few days he is turning 19 and he wanted a pair of £130 pants for it, his mum didnt even know if she could give him the money and today they have sold out. All thoughout the day he has been sulking about it and I don’t know what to do, every time something doesn’t go his way he is very aggressive to his mum and always sulks about it and usually answers with “ I can’t help it I’m autistic” . Im just not sure what to do anymore, any suggestions?

 

[Tom]

Bad behavior would be more understandable in a 3 year old that doesn't know any better but not in an 19 year old. He's using autism as an (poor) excuse.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

All thoughout the day he has been sulking about it and I don’t know what to do,

Do nothing.

It's not your problem.

Don't spend your time with people who make excuses for themselves.

If you start trying to 'please' him in this way to alleviate his childish stroppiness your life will eventually become a nightmare.

Either with him or someone else.

 

[Nitro]

£130 pants wash,iron and fold themselves, correct?

That is a ridiculous amount of money for something that will eventually turn into a rag.

His behavior is very childish and will only get worse as he feeds off of others.



The cold hard truth is that I'm not sure there is anything you can do other than to distance yourself from him.

 

[All-Rounder]

You could try to ask if he realizes its not a right thing to do to take his anger out on his mom for something that was not her fault, although judging by his answer he seems aware but believes he is unable to change.

Tell him you can't allow this to happen and you want to address it because it is wrong. And that you would appreciate if he would try to be a better autistic man to his mother because she tries to help, and try to not take negative events so harshly in life, but find a way to detach from the event not sulk in a damaging state for so long, by himself. You can try asking if he experiences hardship when trying to overcome negative states, or if he feels shame from the event and if thats why he locked himself up alone. Or if he needs alone time when he's that upset, and if you can do anything to help him overcome the state.

You must express understanding that it was a pair that he perhaps rarely finds, in comfort [if he has sensory issues with clothes] and design for practical purposes, aspies may have a lot of order so they may prefer a type of pockets, or designs. You can try to ask why he liked those pants and why does he think they're that important. And then that it makes sense he is disappointed but he should be attentive that his thoughts about it won't be over the top compared to the event. Its not as though he lost a leg, or a chance to forever find another pair that fits, it's still a clothes article. The thoughts he is believing end up creating a state that is not fit for the situation. He should be assured that he will be supported to go look for another pair until he finds what he wants. This is him actually creating progress in his goals rather than harming himself and others and feeling helpless. And i think he needs new means to talk about the event, in positive ways, to express his feelings and that he needs support and motivation if he does in finding the right clothes.

 

[some/aspies/need/hugs/13]

Have you considered setting up a positive reinforcement loop? This is basically where if he is behaving and helping his mom and also being respectful of his mom and you he gets a reward maybe it is something small you enjoy anyways like movie night with you and he gets to choose the movie or even something tiny like he has been doing good so you give him a call and tell him you heard he has been doing good by his mom and you appreciate his good behavior. The loop is basically where as long as he is doing good, he is rewarded. This kind of reinforcement encourages good behavior and boundaries in a way he will better appreciate. Also this behavior he is exhibiting is not autistic it is the behavior of a spoiled kid.

 

[Mary Lyn]

Just get a dog instead and train that.

 

[BraidedPony]

He isn’t a very good boyfriend and isn’t “husband material”.
Just my opinion.
Being a spoiled brat isn’t caused by autism.

 

[Suzanne]

He is clearly trying to get away with it, by using autism as the excuse.

I sense that usually his mum gives into his wiles? Because, had she the money, you indictate that she would purchase the item for him? Which means in actual fact, she has spoilt him and at nearly 19, it is shocking.

Even before I was officialised, although I felt how he does, when I did not get things my way, I never used the autism "trick" and even now, that I am officialised, I would never use it.

What his mum needs to do, is teach him that if he wants something badly, he must earn the money and that will teach him the value.

 

[SimplyWandering]

Omg... This sounds like my brother. My mom suggested that autism was the reasons for his actions , so he got in to this whole thing of declaring autism as the reason for acting up.

Autism is not an excuse for poor behavior.

He needs to know that his behavior is not acceptable and will not be tolerated.

 

[xudo]

Tell him to grow up. Stop using ASD as an excuse for being an a**hole.

 

[Nervous Rex]

Your boyfriend has some growing up to do. If "I can't help it, I'm autistic" was a valid excuse, masking would not exist.

In a few other threads, I've recommended not telling a child they are autistic until they are old enough to not use it as an excuse.

I'm re-thinking that now - maybe it has nothing to do with age.

Some people are going to use it as an excuse no matter what age they are. If they didn't have autism, they'd find something else to use as an excuse.

 

[Fino]

Randomly tell him a long, graphic, detailed, realistic story about a child being severely abused day after day for years, and after several minutes of horror and confusion, stop, smile, and say, "There, now you're not so worried about a pair of silly pants, are ya? "

 

[the_tortoise]

He may not be able to help the emotional reaction (he may not be able to stop himself having an over-the-top emotional reaction and then may take ages to recover from it -- emotional dysregulation can be a part of autism) but he can very likely learn to cope with it in ways that don't hurt anybody else.

For being mean/aggressive to others when upset you could ask him how he'd feel if someone was mean/aggressive to him because they were upset about some specific thing he wasn't able to do for them through no fault of his own (guide empathetic thinking using concrete examples).

Or just offer simple ideas, like “If you’re too upset to be civil then go be by yourself until you feel better.” I’m guessing he’d be perfectly capable of taking a time out by himself, even if he is not capable of being nice when he’s upset.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

and say, "There, now you're not so worried about a pair of silly pants, are ya?

Somebody wants those 130 dollar pants....