Urgently Need Direction

[Carol]

By way of introduction, I am the mother of an adult son (31) who is on the autism spectrum. I suspect it's Asperger's but that's not the official diagnosis.

Although he's been in counseling for years, it has not helped either of us in coping with the characteristics that may or may not be associated with autism. My son is completely unmotivated and prefers to spend time in his room by himself. Sometimes he plays video games, other times he puts together videos of and/or for the family and once in a while, he will accompany me when I visit his grandfather at the nursing home.

Over the years, he's started but never finished life skill classes, working with a peer mentor, studying for his GED. He begins to do things around the house like mow the lawn but he quits halfway through the chore.

Clearly I need to be educated on what works and how I can help him. I am taking him out to dinner this evening to discuss the situation and attempt to find out his perspective on what he wants out of life.

Thanks in advance for any direction or advice anyone has to offer!

Carol

 

[Arashi222]

Welcome to AC. I am wondering what his offical dx is? Because sometimes that helps in knowing what might be helpful. Have you talked about this stuff with him and his counselor? Its a hard place to be in. I am also 31yrs old and have AS and NVLD. I live at home and do a lot of things but my mom also gets frustrated with me sometimes with my lack of understanding in certain things. I would talk to him. See where he is on this maybe he doesn't realize what he is doing. Ask him what would help him and then see if it really works.

 

[Carol]

Thank you, Arashi, for your response. It helps to read about different perspectives. I will have to look at the last psych eval for the most recent diagnosis. Definitely I know that autism was part of the diagnosis and "not otherwise specified" or something like that. I appreciate your constructive direction.

Dinner went better than expected He chose the restaurant we ate at --- which surprised me since much of the time, he responds with short, non-commital answers. He wasn't able to tell me what's been on his mind directly but somehow we ended up in a discussion about his needs and wants. Of course, a discussion with my son isn't like discussions with my daughter who, by the way, never shuts up. Basically he made one definitive statement on each topic that came up and now I feel as though we have something to work with. He, also, agreed to bring up his treatment plan with a new counselor he will be seeing next week.

I think one of my fears (one of my daughter's concerns, too) is that he will become suicidal and we won't even know it since it's difficult to communicate ... he isolates himself so much and when I isolate myself, it's because I'm feeling very depressed and not able to cope with life. Also, my son has a history of attempting suicide once as a teenager and once as an adult ... about 3 years ago.

Thank you for suggesting that I just go ahead and ask him ... it was like giving me permission because I don't know what to do sometimes and I'm afraid of making things worse when I approach him about anything.

What threads do you think would be most helpful as a newbie to read and get more understanding from the other side? One of the reasons I signed onto this forum is because there's no support for adults on the autism spectrum in the rural area I live in. It seems as though there's plenty of help for kids and parents of kids but there's nothing for young adults who are no longer in school.

Carol

 

[Carol]

Sportster,

Thank you so much for sharing your perspective and experiences with me. I am very grateful for the honest, open feedback --- I have been searching for support and a way to gain understanding. What made it more urgent this week is that my 30 year old daughter has moved back home. Since my son has always been with me, there's nothing he does that is out of the ordinary to me even though I have concerns from time to time. However, my daughter has brought some issues to my attention that I really needed to take a closer look at.

Continuing to live at home or moving into his own place --- it's something we may need to discuss in counseling, however, I am fine with either choice. Personally I don't like or want to live by myself so having family in the house is very comforting to me. I know that I want him to learn life skills so he can manage with or without me. You're right --- he can do more than I give him credit for. He does his own laundry, prepares simple meals, picks up a few groceries at the local market.

One thing I realize is that I need to break down big chores into several smaller tasks. For instance, when I ask him to clean the living room, he seems to have little idea what is expected ... The result is that his sister becomes upset because she thinks her brother is just being defiant and uncooperative. She cannot understand what is going on when he leaves chores unfinished. Actually she is the one who has become insistent that we do something to make things work for all of us.

Again, thank you for your post --- it helps!

Carol

 

[Ste11aeres]

Does he seem depressed and does he have any friends?

 

[Arashi222]

One thing I realize is that I need to break down big chores into several smaller tasks. For instance, when I ask him to clean the living room, he seems to have little idea what is expected ... The result is that his sister becomes upset because she thinks her brother is just being defiant and uncooperative. She cannot understand what is going on when he leaves chores unfinished. Actually she is the one who has insistent that we do something to make things work for all of us.

Ok so what I am seeing is that really this is an issue that is raised by the other sibling that is now coming home. It can be difficult to explain or to have an NT sibling understand the behaviors of someone on the Autism spectrum. You might actually want to dicuss with his sister that getting upset with him is not the answer. This is not something to be upset about it is something that needs to be learned differently. My mom has to break things down for me into smaller manageable steps that are predicatable. So like cleaning the living Room might be on a list with four subcategories like wash the tables, run the vacuum all over the floor and in the corners, or something like that. I think that you yes need to talk to your son but you really need to talk to your daughter and explain what it means for someone who ASD to function in the world. I think she is coming into a situation that is making her uncomfortable and i think that needs to be addressed. I hope that it helps to talk to us here. But maybe bring you all into a therapy session and talk it out with the mediator there to help address things that might be really autism related and help to understand that there maybe things that he is just not ready for yet.

 

[King_Oni]

I'm wondering how realistic future plans will be for your son. His situation is somewhat similar to mine I guess. I'm 30, live at my parents house and never got to get a degree (dropped out 5 times) and thus that limits my options for employment, aside from the issues that being on the autism spectrum brings.

And since "getting somewhere in life" (or as one might put it "get something out of life") involves personal independence and thus probably a job (and maybe education), I don't know how realistic it is in terms of financially viable and personal motivation.I guess that talking about that with him and/or a counselor might give you an better perspective for the (his) future.

It seems as though there's plenty of help for kids and parents of kids but there's nothing for young adults who are no longer in school.

That's something I notice a lot as well, as an adult on the spectrum. I think the general consensus probably is; when you've made it that far (becoming adult), you can manage life pretty fine. Though there's groups that are under the radar... and they probably stay under the radar as long as there is no inquiry for support from this group.

And while I can't point you to specific threads, this sub-forum on Aspiescentral might be more suited to see if there's something for you and your situation

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