Venting

[dark cloud]

I feel like i can express myself better and freely here and because it's anonymously and because i write to a forum with people where i guess we have something similar to how our brains wired.

According to my experience i guess my friends are neurotypicals and my whole life i was feeling safe with neurotypicals. Not many just my friends. Other neurotypicals besides them i feel fear and like i can't trust them. So i always put myself in this safe bubble so i can numb my fear at least. I mean the only people i speak and agree to go out are my friends.

I have a deep believe that i need someone to save me because if i stay alone i feel like a little frightening girl who don't know what to do or don't know how the world works.

Sometimes i want autistic friends because even with my friends i'm feeling like they are more capable than me. They have their difficulties too but i always feel like they are better and that if and when they fix their lifes they're gonna leave me. They never said or did that it's a fear i have.

Since i became 25 i started to have a fear about my parent's death. My mother tells me a lot of times that she worries how i will survive if her and my father die. If they suddenly die i thought i could live to my sister's house who is more independent than me.

If i had autistic friends i thought our friendship would be equal.
But according to autistics i met in person that wasn't true.

Since i was 25-26 i go to a non-profit organization for autistic people. My sister found that organization on the internet so she could help me.
There are activities there like drawing and theatre lessons and lessons of how to become more independent. I mentioned a few of them. In the beginning it was good. Psychologist there helped me so i can take disability allowance every month.

But as time went on i felt bored and wanted to stop for 2 reasons. The activities we do there even though i liked them are too easy for me. I feel these activities were meant for children not teenagers or adults. For teenagers might yes, the youngest person there is 12 but the majority are adults. The other reason was that other autistics there weren't like me.

I know its awful for saying this but it was the first time in my life i felt superior in a group of people, like there is hope for me to do anything and being better than others and not always incapable.
It was the first time i could feel like i was useful somehow because i knew (for example) better than other autistics to do things or being more ''high functional'' compared to them.

I understood tho this was ridiculous because i was pride for things a neurotypical could easily do as a child.

I don't blame autistics there because here in my country in greece autistics are stigmatized and are completely dependent on their parents. Their parents speak for them and get infantilizated. A few there have friends. So if that's what they're going through since their childhood it's expected to not become independent, capable adults.
Other autistics who are more independent are invisible and not even diagnosed.

I don't feel proud now because i believe the fact that i'm more ''high fuctional'' are my parents and friends. When i did mistakes they didn't treat me like me like child they yelled at me so i used to that people won't be overly kind to me.

When my mother learnt about my autism at first she denied it but then until now she infantilizating me.
Psychologists in the organization i mentioned above i believe they do it to us autistics there too.
And it seems by those shallow words and advices they give like ''we all think and feel this way sometimes'', ''everyone is a little bit autistic'',''there is no use to reach for official diagnosis'', ''it's never too late to do what you want'' etc. And in general they're trying to convince us with shallow positivity.

Even they say they accept our negative emotions in action they seem to accept the positive ones. They had told me to stop alcohol and coffee and have more normal sleep but they seem to not understand me. And they had told me they saw improve by me. I don't know if they told me this because they actually believe it or they're tried to convince me on purpose to actually believe that i improved because i feel the opposite, i am getting deeper in depression and emptiness, fatigue and have suicide thoughts.

In September i will continue to go there. The actual reason i don't stop is because i know wherever else i would feel the usual feeling of unworthiness and the fear that people won't treat me well.

But if i go to a psychologist in september i will go to someone else not there.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I think that people infantilizing autists is just wrong on so many levels. There are many here who were diagnosed late in life and grew up when autism was rarely diagnosed. We had to meet the world head on if we wanted an independent life and it left some with scars especially if we were made to feel damaged because of social deficiencies or other traits, or taken advantage of.

Set your goals and do not let anybody infantilize you. Develop strong boundaries. And in counseling insist that they assist you in reaching your goals.

 

[Fino]

I have some of the same worries. But have you tried or considered medication?

 

[Suzanne]

So many dynamics that echo my life. Although, I never had friends in the sense you talk about.

Because I look "normal", and before diagnosis, often I would get those words uttered ie we are all a bit austic etc.

I have also felt superior, but around neurotypicals who are sloppy and once I had to go on an interview and it was together with two sloppy girls ( college life) and I did not want the job, but knew that I would be given it, due to the fact, that I was well spoken and dressed in a decent way and sure enough, I got the job and it was horrible and even quit saying I could not cope with the rude jesting. Now, the boss lady actually said it was a shame, because she felt I could get them to behave more decent; however, once I make a decision, I will go through with it, even it is being selfish ie not staying on to improve those associates.

In many ways, I now see the positivity of being diagnosed late in life. Even though my childhood, teen and adult hood has been littered with misery; it was, to an certain extent a sort of freedom from prejudice or judgements and I sure experienced those once I became aware that I could be on the spectrum.

I was introduced to a fellow female aspie, via phone call and we did not mesh at all. She had been diagnosed as a child and conditioned in the neurotypical way and did not even know what stimming was. She truly had put on the mask and so, it came across as though I was speaking to a neurotypical and she said she would write and didn't and since I do not push, I left it.

I felt similar to you, with feeling vunerable and needing someone else to be my support and to a certain extent, despite my age, still feel that way; but because I am a realistic person, I think of the worst case scenerio and what would I do? So, now, I know what to do, if my husband suddenly passed away.

 

[AprilR]

I feel like the same. On the outside i am very high functioning, i have a job and i get on well with people. But i don't have anyone i can call close, even with family i feel disconnected. And i am very scared of what i will have to do when they pass away. I don't have any other support and also in my country autistic people are stigmatized too. Our situations are similar

 

[dark cloud]

I have some of the same worries. But have you tried or considered medication?

Yes but they didn't do something and the last time they made me really tired I couldn't got out of bed. And to be honest i didn't really want to cut off alcohol.
Now i don't have the patience to when if a medication work.
I need medication which acts immediately.

 

[Progster]

Yes, unfortunately here in Greece neurological conditions such as autism and mental health issues are stigmatized, and there is little awareness. A psychiatrist I once went to about anxiety and sleeping issues was very surprised when I told him that I had been diagnosed with Asperger's as an adult because, according to him, adults don't get diagnosed, only children. Very little or no community support for people with autism and other neurological conditions, especially for those who live far from the big cities. There are many on the spectrum who don't get the diagnosis and support they need because of the ongoing stigma attached to such conditions.

 

[D'Andre]

I feel like i can express myself better and freely here and because it's anonymously and because i write to a forum with people where i guess we have something similar to how our brains wired.

According to my experience i guess my friends are neurotypicals and my whole life i was feeling safe with neurotypicals. Not many just my friends. Other neurotypicals besides them i feel fear and like i can't trust them. So i always put myself in this safe bubble so i can numb my fear at least. I mean the only people i speak and agree to go out are my friends.

I have a deep believe that i need someone to save me because if i stay alone i feel like a little frightening girl who don't know what to do or don't know how the world works.

Sometimes i want autistic friends because even with my friends i'm feeling like they are more capable than me. They have their difficulties too but i always feel like they are better and that if and when they fix their lifes they're gonna leave me. They never said or did that it's a fear i have.

Since i became 25 i started to have a fear about my parent's death. My mother tells me a lot of times that she worries how i will survive if her and my father die. If they suddenly die i thought i could live to my sister's house who is more independent than me.

If i had autistic friends i thought our friendship would be equal.
But according to autistics i met in person that wasn't true.

Since i was 25-26 i go to a non-profit organization for autistic people. My sister found that organization on the internet so she could help me.
There are activities there like drawing and theatre lessons and lessons of how to become more independent. I mentioned a few of them. In the beginning it was good. Psychologist there helped me so i can take disability allowance every month.

But as time went on i felt bored and wanted to stop for 2 reasons. The activities we do there even though i liked them are too easy for me. I feel these activities were meant for children not teenagers or adults. For teenagers might yes, the youngest person there is 12 but the majority are adults. The other reason was that other autistics there weren't like me.

I know its awful for saying this but it was the first time in my life i felt superior in a group of people, like there is hope for me to do anything and being better than others and not always incapable.
It was the first time i could feel like i was useful somehow because i knew (for example) better than other autistics to do things or being more ''high functional'' compared to them.

I understood tho this was ridiculous because i was pride for things a neurotypical could easily do as a child.

I don't blame autistics there because here in my country in greece autistics are stigmatized and are completely dependent on their parents. Their parents speak for them and get infantilizated. A few there have friends. So if that's what they're going through since their childhood it's expected to not become independent, capable adults.
Other autistics who are more independent are invisible and not even diagnosed.

I don't feel proud now because i believe the fact that i'm more ''high fuctional'' are my parents and friends. When i did mistakes they didn't treat me like me like child they yelled at me so i used to that people won't be overly kind to me.

When my mother learnt about my autism at first she denied it but then until now she infantilizating me.
Psychologists in the organization i mentioned above i believe they do it to us autistics there too.
And it seems by those shallow words and advices they give like ''we all think and feel this way sometimes'', ''everyone is a little bit autistic'',''there is no use to reach for official diagnosis'', ''it's never too late to do what you want'' etc. And in general they're trying to convince us with shallow positivity.

Even they say they accept our negative emotions in action they seem to accept the positive ones. They had told me to stop alcohol and coffee and have more normal sleep but they seem to not understand me. And they had told me they saw improve by me. I don't know if they told me this because they actually believe it or they're tried to convince me on purpose to actually believe that i improved because i feel the opposite, i am getting deeper in depression and emptiness, fatigue and have suicide thoughts.

In September i will continue to go there. The actual reason i don't stop is because i know wherever else i would feel the usual feeling of unworthiness and the fear that people won't treat me well.

But if i go to a psychologist in september i will go to someone else not there.

I lost my mom 5 years ago. It was very painful, but I'm still here. My grief matured to admiration and remembering the beautiful lady she was. I also cried many times upruptly over fearing her death. You can get through it. enjoy her while you have her. record videos, audio of her and hug her and you'll have these wonderful memories if, by chance, she passes. One thing my mom recorded but i lost was just a personal audio note oh how she loved me and was proud of me..Take care!

 

[Fino]

Yes but they didn't do something and the last time they made me really tired I couldn't got out of bed. And to be honest i didn't really want to cut off alcohol.
Now i don't have the patience to when if a medication work.
I need medication which acts immediately.

Off the top of my head, Gabapentin, benzodiazepines, hydroxyzine, Adderall, and Gabatril all act immediately. I'm not necessarily saying they're the best options.