Very frustrated with myself lately (child related)

[kenaij]

So I have been very frustrated with myself lately.
For as long as I can remember I have had periods of avoiding people. I did it as a teen. Sitting all alone in my room, to the point where my parents were really worried about me. For years it was not so noticeable at work. I would just take that alone time when I got home when the children were in bed. Our computer was still in the living room and I would be sitting at it with headphones on, while my wife was watching tv.
I had noticed back then I would often do things for myself during the weekends when my wife was at work and the children were at home. They often play together and it never really seemed to bother them. I was always there when they needed me, and we did do things together often. With little breaks in between.
I did feel bad because of it at times, but finding out about autism and my very likely relation to it explained why I felt that way and my feelings of being a bad father were false. All people that know me that I have shared this with all replied with: "But you are actually a really good father." Which was nice to hear.

But for the past year my avoidance of people has increased quite a bit. I've had periods before and it was because I was less happy because of various reasons. I am generally a little less happy at work because of increased social demand, overall more triggers, and some other more personal stuff. I generally don`t care I am more avoidant at work, and that I join in group activities less. I really could not care less about what people at work think of me because of it. As long as I do my job, I don`t need to make friends there. It is also the reason I don`t actually have friends because I don`t feel the need to have them. Almost all people 'drain' me. What does bother me is the fact I also have this at home. Not with my wife. I love being around my wife. And sitting together with her is almost the same as sitting alone. There are little to no triggers, and I have never consciously avoided her because of exhaustion. But I have noticed I do go into my own world when I am alone with my kids way more often than I would like to. Because they do deplete my social tank. And I feel that if I do not do this I will break down completely and go into a burnout. I need that alone time. When my wife is at home this is much less apparent. It is not that I do not like my kids. I love them and I`d do anything for them. And I`m really really happy they are in my life. But I am so frustrated with myself that they do not belong in that very tiny group of people that do not deplete my social tank. More daughter even a little less so than my son. In fact. I hate myself for feeling this and needing this.

My kids are very good at entertaining themselves, or each other. When asked they do not think I give them too little attention. And they often say they choose me if they have to pick someone for playtime. Because when I play with them I go all out. I`m like a child myself during playtime and they have a lot of fun. But I really dislike that it feels like a need/must instead of a want. And that I can only do it for a short amount of time per day.
I really do my best to drain myself the least amount that is really needed to do my job properly and save as much as possible for my kids at home. But sometimes there just isn't that much left. And I hate myself for it. I work at a school so I do have all the school holidays, during which all the above disappears like snow before the sun (Dutch saying) after 3 or 4 days. The weekend just doesn't seem to be long enough.

I didn't want to post this at first, but this seems to be the best place to share it with people that might be able to relate.

Are there any parents on these forums that can relate, or can give me any advice on the matter?
People who are not parents but can relate in another way are of course welcome to provide advice as well.
Thank you.

 

[Mary Terry]

I can relate to your experience. I need time alone, too.

I've also raised three children and strongly believe that children need to learn to entertain themselves, to interact with other children, and to take responsibility for their behavior without the constant interference of parents. Helicopter parents are not helping their children grow up to be responsible, self-sufficient, mature and stable adults.

 

[LadyS]

I can relate to you. I think it's hard for me because my kids are still young and even as a mother, it takes more effort from me to play. Most of my energy is already depleted from providing and taking care of their basic needs so it's hard to switch over to playtime when I'm already very exhausted. So often I include the kids in doing activities that fuel my mental battery like hiking, specific places I want to visit, art or creative projects, TV shows I like, etc. It's also lucky they go mostly go along with it too as they're still young and impressionable.

 

[Judge]

I can so relate to such sentiments. Sadly I suspect in my own case it's a major reason why most of my relationships failed. When I simply did not attain the solitude I required on a regular basis and never got it.

Yet at the same time in this sense I blame myself and no others. Small wonder I have spent the last 15 years in near isolation. That in the final analysis, it may be for the best...even at the price of loneliness.

 

[kenaij]

I can relate to your experience. I need time alone, too.

I've also raised three children and strongly believe that children need to learn to entertain themselves, to interact with other children, and to take responsibility for their behavior without the constant interference of parents. Helicopter parents are not helping their children grow up to be responsible, self-sufficient, mature and stable adults.

Thank you. And I agree with what you say. My children are very capable at entertaining themselves. But sometimes (and lately a lot of times) I feel I just expect them to do it a bit too much. And I feel frustrated with myself for not being able to set aside my own thing for a bit in order to give that attention to my kids. When they have already entertained themselves for and hour or so.

But it feels good knowing you have succesfully raised your kids with the same needs.

 

[kenaij]

I can relate to you. I think it's hard for me because my kids are still young and even as a mother, it takes more effort from me to play. Most of my energy is already depleted from providing and taking care of their basic needs so it's hard to switch over to playtime when I'm already very exhausted. So often I include the kids in doing activities that fuel my mental battery like hiking, specific places I want to visit, art or creative projects, TV shows I like, etc. It's also lucky they go mostly go along with it too as they're still young and impressionable.

I try to find things aswell. That is also why I struggle a little more with my daughter than my son. He is into lego like me. But it feels hard to do it together so we often just build our own things. He is really into Ninjago and I found out I really like it aswell. He has watched all seasons and we watched the 10 episodes of the new series together. I promised him I would watch the other seasons aswell because I`d like to know all the characters and the background of all the sets we are building.
I have a harder time getting the same connection with my daughter because besides computers we don`t have many common interests. She likes a lot of things while liking nothing enough to really want to do it a lot. Quite the opposite of my son and me. I have few interests but the things I do like, I like a lot. But I`m still trying to find something we both like really much. Luckily she has a love for horses which she can share with her mother.
My son is 6 and daughter is turning 9 this december. It indeed was easier when they were a little younger.

Thank you very much for your input.

 

[kenaij]

I can so relate to such sentiments. Sadly I suspect in my own case it's a major reason why most of my relationships failed. When I simply did not attain the solitude I required on a regular basis and never got it.

Yet at the same time in this sense I blame myself and no others. Small wonder I have spent the last 15 years in near isolation. That in the final analysis, it may be for the best...even at the price of loneliness.

I get that. If I had not met my wife I might very well be in the same situation. She is the only person I know who does not 'disrupt' my feeling of solitude. In fact. If I had to choose I would choose being with her instead of being alone even when I feel down and burned out.
It just feels bad that I do not have the same with my kids. I feel guilty for it. Eventhou since discovering autism I know there is a very good chance there is nothing I can do about it, or blame myself for.

I hope for you that you may find a person to feel this way about so the loneliness will dissapear.

 

[Judge]

It just feels bad that I do not have the same with my kids. I feel guilty for it. Even thou since discovering autism I know there is a very good chance there is nothing I can do about it, or blame myself for.

I totally understand. Even when I had such a longing to be alone, it still gave me a sense of guilt as well. As if I was mentally "cheating" on my significant other. And I can see how you would have similar sentiments regarding your children as well. I probably would too if I had kids.

I just wish I could have handled it better, at a time when I was totally unaware of my own autism.

Yet in all fairness to all autistic people, it may simply reflect who- and what we are. For better and for worse.

 

[LadyS]

I try to find things aswell. That is also why I struggle a little more with my daughter than my son. He is into lego like me. But it feels hard to do it together so we often just build our own things. He is really into Ninjago and I found out I really like it aswell. He has watched all seasons and we watched the 10 episodes of the new series together. I promised him I would watch the other seasons aswell because I`d like to know all the characters and the background of all the sets we are building.
I have a harder time getting the same connection with my daughter because besides computers we don`t have many common interests. She likes a lot of things while liking nothing enough to really want to do it a lot. Quite the opposite of my son and me. I have few interests but the things I do like, I like a lot. But I`m still trying to find something we both like really much. Luckily she has a love for horses which she can share with her mother.
My son is 6 and daughter is turning 9 this december. It indeed was easier when they were a little younger.

Thank you very much for your input.

I understand the guilt. Thinking about it, my father (who I think is also Aspie) was very much into his own thing and didn't spend as much time individually with us kids which today might be frowned upon. But I still grew up loving him for who he is and understanding that that's just the way he was, didn't mean he didn't care but that he cared in his own way. I think as your kids grow up, as long as you are present and attentive, they will resonate with that more than you think. Just the very fact that you care and are aware speaks volumes as a parent.

 

[Rodafina]

I’m not a parent, but I can definitely relate as a long time caregiver of children and a very invested aunt to some small children. I think what you describe makes perfect sense and it seems like you have a really good understanding of where you are at.

If anything, I would just encourage you to remember that children have a special way of draining anybody who cares for them of their energy. It’s in their very nature to need the time and attention and energy from a loving caregiver. Plus, it can be harder to set boundaries or say no when we need time apart because they may need something from us right away or because guilty feeling like you described.

You’re doing your best and this stage won’t last forever. I don’t have any advice, per se, but I just wanted to offer support and say that I can definitely empathize with the tricky situation you are in, trying to balance your own needs and be a good dad at the same time.

Children are at a very unique stage in life, and I can’t help but wonder if they will eventually become the kind of people that you just want to be around, like your wife. When they are a little older, maybe you will get the same peace being with them that you get now from being with her.

 

[kenaij]

Children are at a very unique stage in life, and I can’t help but wonder if they will eventually become the kind of people that you just want to be around, like your wife. When they are a little older, maybe you will get the same peace being with them that you get now from being with her.

I like that. That actually helps. Thank you.

 

[Judge]

I understand the guilt. Thinking about it, my father (who I think is also Aspie) was very much into his own thing and didn't spend as much time individually with us kids which today might be frowned upon. But I still grew up loving him for who he is and understanding that that's just the way he was, didn't mean he didn't care but that he cared in his own way. I think as your kids grow up, as long as you are present and attentive, they will resonate with that more than you think. Just the very fact that you care and are aware speaks volumes as a parent.

I related to my own father in a similar way. Though in his case his loyalties were first to the Constitution and government he served and swore allegiance to, then came family. But the nature of his military job often left my brother and I increasingly alienated by his frequent absence. Often with little to no explanation why.

I only really began to know him in my late teens when my father was forcibly retired after multiple heart attacks.

 

[kenaij]

And thank you to all other people that have replied. Glad I shared this.

 

[Judge]

And thank you to all other people that have replied. Glad I shared this.

Glad you posted. Some great comments in this one.

 

[kenaij]

I related to my own father in a similar way. Though in his case his loyalties were first to the Constitution and government he served and swore allegiance to, then came family. But the nature of his military job often left my brother and I increasingly alienated by his frequent absence. Often with little to no explanation why.

I only really began to know him in my late teens when my father was forcibly retired after multiple heart attacks.

I also really started to appreciate my father the older I got.
One thing I can say. Dispite all the things I have said above. For me and my wife family always comes first. In my case to the best of my abilities as you can read above. Especially the kids. We have always structured our work schedules so that there is always someone at home for the kids after and before school. They never have to go to some after school child care. I work at a school so I can be at home during the holidays. And do some weird hours, that do not in any way benefit me, so I can be at home thursday and friday afternoon to pick them up. That is very important to me. Unfortunatly it also means we don`t have dinner with the whole family 2 times a week and my wife works on sundays. But atleast there is always one parent at home. And we have plenty of days left in the week when it is all 4 of us.
The huge benefit with both of us being the only parent in the house some days is that both kids feel like they can come to either of us with their problems. Instead of a more classic household where mommy is there to tell your problems to. And daddy is there to enforce the law and consequences.

 

[Judge]

If anything, I would just encourage you to remember that children have a special way of draining anybody who cares for them of their energy. It’s in their very nature to need the time and attention and energy from a loving caregiver. Plus, it can be harder to set boundaries or say no when we need time apart because they may need something from us right away or because guilty feeling like you described.

How true. Something I discovered as well in having to often take care of my girlfriend's daughter (aged 4 to 7).

 

[AquaCat84]

I can relate to your experience. I need time alone, too.

I've also raised three children and strongly believe that children need to learn to entertain themselves, to interact with other children, and to take responsibility for their behavior without the constant interference of parents. Helicopter parents are not helping their children grow up to be responsible, self-sufficient, mature and stable adults.

Not a parent, but I had helicopter parents, and this is spot on. If my parents had allowed me to make mistakes and learn from them instead of clinging to me and swooping in to my rescue, I'd be much better adjusted and competent. I'm almost 40 and just now learning real self-sufficiency.

OP, based on your comments, I think you are a good father, because you seem to deeply care about your relationship with your children. Assuming they know you're dealing with a disorder that wears you down, I would think they would be more understanding than if they don't know. I grew up with a diabetic mother, and while it definitely affected her ability to participate, I never resented her for it. I knew she was doing the best she could. My dad, who I'm certain is undiagnosed autistic, tried much too hard to be close to me and my sister, and it actually needlessly complicated our relationship. My advice, as a non-parent, is to please be kind to yourself, and keep communicating your needs to your children. I think they'll appreciate you for it. Best wishes.

 

[Aspychata]

I hit the motherload. My daughter loved her alone time. And unlike my mom, l didn't make her feel guilty, or unloved, or decide l had to worry about her "aloneness ". Unlike my mom, who made me feel inferior because l loved being alone. My daughter has been in a longterm relationship and has friends, so who cares she enjoyed alone time. She would disappear and close her door. And she would be playing guitar, gaming, sewing elaborate complicated costumes, learning software. Just being a kid, without me dictating what her interests should be. I figured her life would one day be work, bills, car repairs, l just let her enjoy her time. I still love alone time, and l do like living alone, but soon l will be giving this up.

 

[Momofboys]

I am so glad you posted this. My son is a year and a half and he is WILD. After losing my job two weeks ago I’m now home all the time and while it’s great for him to have Mama home every day, it’s beyond exhausting.

 

[kenaij]

I am so glad you posted this. My son is a year and a half and he is WILD. After losing my job two weeks ago I’m now home all the time and while it’s great for him to have Mama home every day, it’s beyond exhausting.

That indeed can be en exhausting age. I don`t know if you are looking for a job or if you plan on being a full time parent. But when our son it the right age to go to pre-school I would suggest you apply him for it. Both for your sanity, but also for him. The social situations and interactions he faces will mentally tire him (in a good way) so he loses some of that wild energy at home.
You could look up some mental challenging games for him right now and do those with him. Usually when the mind gets tired so does the body. But don`t push him too far, because that could cause tired tantrums. Which are no picknick.
Best of luck to you.