Very recently split up with girlfriend... now I'm here it seems to all make sense :(

[PatSharp]

Good evening everyone,

I feel strange posting on a forum when I don't have much knowledge on a subject, but hopefully you don't mind me intruding and recounting my story. I'm convinced many NT people show some signs of Asperger's Syndrome or Autism, but maybe just one or two, rather than loads. I've already noticed a couple in myself by reading stuff online. Never knew that I 'stimmed' before, but I do Always throwing a pen up and down at work when I'm thinking.

I'm hoping for a bit of help, or advice and I'm not sure what else, but maybe writing all of this down will help my pain?
Apologies in advance if it sounds like a random stream of consciousness, I'm struggling to put it all down in a way that might make sense.


4 and a half years ago I began dating a lovely, but very uptight girl. We met online, and I had just about given up on all of the online dating thing... but this girl was beautiful, elegant and very witty and funny with her messages. Clearly she was intelligent too, with her impeccable spelling and grammar.

We were about to meet up and she was extremely nervous, announcing to me via WhatsApp that she was on her way but seemed very concerned about whether we shake hands, hug or kiss on the cheek when we meet at the train station. I stated that I'll do all three. I vaguely remember her saying something about not doing hugs at this point.
She barely made any eye contact with me while we spoke, and spoke very quickly, in a very very quiet voice, with very long sentences, making no room for me to get a word in edge-ways. I put this down to nerves really. We had plenty of drinks and she warmed up a bit, but she did still seem to struggle with any lingering eye contact.
We learnt quite a bit about each other, she became much less inhibited and we went for a dance in a nearby nightclub. We parted ways that night steaming drunk, I gave her a big hug before she left, which she probably hated, and then she got in a taxi and went home... I was ecstatic. She was perfect... oh, apart from she flicked me the finger as she drove off in the cab. Maybe she didn't like me??

She is so beautiful, a great dancer, does artistic roller-skating as a hobby and was VERY good at it, although I found out quickly when I accompanied her to skating competitions that she really struggles to let herself go during her dancing. It's very very good technically, the best in the team, but she can't smile, or emote while doing so which causes her marks to get put down. I accompanied her to many many competitions over the years and she always stayed the same, everyone would almost sigh when she didn't smile, as if this year she might manage it.

After around 5 months of seeing each other, I had found intimacy was a bit of an issue for me. I had never been with someone quite so selfish physically, but I didn't realise what was wrong. She never came in to kiss me, or give me a hug, she insisted that I give her 4 kisses exactly... if I did more 2 was okay, 3 was NOT. She did get over this when I (possibly cruelly) said that it was a bit ridiculous and didn't give in to her demands. I didn't realise she also suffered from quite severe anxiety and some minor OCD's at this point though. She has to tap her toothbrush on a towel 4 times when she's brushed her teeth, she draws half of her curtains when she gets up and the other half later, she cannot walk on those BT maintenance covers if there are 3 joined up, she hordes all sorts of stuff from her childhood. All of these things are small on their own, but all of them together I see as a bit life-limiting in a way.

Her first job was very stressful and she seemed to work all day, and then get home and work until midnight many nights of the week. She would meltdown about 3 times a night, crying, smashing her computer and I didn't know what to do. It made me feel awful, sometimes made her a bit less attractive to me, but I supported her each time. This didn't stop. She also blamed everyone else at her work for why she was working so hard and long hours. I tried to help, but couldn't. She is a perfectionist, struggled having an email inbox with unopened emails and the more unopened emails there were, the more stressed and anxiety-ridden she would become.
She ended up leaving that job after a year and getting another one fairly easily. This one is much less stressful, but she still blames everything she can't understand on other people. Maybe that's true, but I've come to doubt that more recently.

So, after 5 or 6 months together I broached the subject of intimacy. I was very calm, I described everything in as nice a way as I could, said i'd be there for her as we work things out, but she was very very upset. I had to say something to her as I was struggling quite badly. I come from a very creative and affectionate family, nothing solves an issue better than a big hug! But the lack of much emotional or physical connection was driving me mad. I would get snappy, irritable, withdrawn and distant.

She suffers from terrible anxiety, and has major body issues due to her breasts not forming properly during puberty. I fully understand that this is awful for her, it must be horrendous growing up 'disfigured' and 'ugly' and not looking like the other girls. Apparently she was very bossy and loud as a young teen, although her mum has told me in confidence that she thinks her daughter may have had depression at school... she began to withdraw as she went through puberty and I guess with the trauma of dealing with her body.
This didn't bother me actually, she was still gorgeous in my eyes.

She also had an abusive first boyfriend. He was into 'negging' and manipulation apparently. They lived together, he ended up cheating on her a few times and she found out but stayed with him. He began forcing himself on her sexually so she eventually left him after 5 years with the help of her mum, all whilst he was at work.
She has only recently told me that she suffers from PTSD because of her ex and how he treated her. She has recurring nightmares about leaving him. I'm not sure if this is connected, but she rarely, if ever, sleeps through the night. She twitches, talks, groans, kicks, has tantrums, and slams her legs from high up into the mattress during the night. She never remembers this, but she definitely doesn't ever have rested sleep and is always extremely tired. The sleep issues also affect me quite badly, I love my sleep and struggle when it's disrupted every night.

So, she had decided on getting her body issues sorted with a breast augmentation (which I wasn't particularly happy about, but she wouldn't be talked out of it). She thought it would solve all her body issues, so she went ahead and got it done. She hated them at first, cried a lot, had an awful lot of pain and now they do look great. Although she's not 100% happy, due to her perfectionist nature, she feels much better about her physical appearance, filling dresses out and wearing proper bras.

The intimacy problems persist. Days go by, weeks fly past, and we only manage to get intimate once a week at most. Sometimes we go 3 weeks and it's as if she hasn't even realised. We went on a skiing holiday for a week and never got intimate once. We're young and fancy each other, is it normal to be like that?
Even when we do, there doesn't feel like an emotional connection there... she closes her eyes and concentrates hard, rarely ever looking at me. She doesn't hold me, or instigate kissing. After 4 years of this, I feel quite ugly and unattractive... blaming myself for the problems. I have explained all of this to her in great detail, trying to forge a way forward. I'll just be thinking that we're getting somewhere and we start to do things a bit more often, but it'll cease again for weeks. I began to feel guilty, like I was almost making her do things with me that she didn't want. She never said no, but she just never seemed all that keen or particularly engaged or excited about things and would rarely, if ever, cuddle afterwards.

 

[PatSharp]

She has most recently has told me it's her mind... she gets caught up in her own thoughts and anxieties and doesn't think about what I may need or want. It's also the PTSD that she's struggling to deal with, and her anxiety problems. She has said it's her anxiety for years, putting herself on training courses to try and deal with things, but never quite following through. She did a load of sessions about intimacy, and learning about your body, but never ever did the homework. She never touches herself, which I don't know if that's strange or not really, I'm not sure all women do, so maybe this isn't a 'thing'.
Strangely, about a year ago we were watching a TV programme on Autism and they had a series of tests on their website. We decided to do them as a bit of a laugh. She came out as medium on the spectrum, she cried. I never really thought about this again until I began researching PTSD after we broke up. There seem to be many links between PTSD, anxiety and asperger's... but I'm only new to this subject and could do with some help from anyone who's interested.
She still speaks with such low volume I need to ask her to repeat things three or more times, every time. I know it's not just me (for all you know I could be deaf) as she often talks in groups and no one will hear what she's said at all. I will nudge her to say it again, as she doesn't seem to realise that noone has heard.

I ended things last week because I just couldn't cope any... she's always negative about everything (her friends, my friends, her work, her skating pals), she struggles massively in social situations (if someone asks her what her job is, she will go into an embarrassing amount of detail, I hate myself for cringing but can't help it.) She picks her spots ritualistically, every morning and every evening. Are these even traits of ASD's?

After all of this, I guess my question is do you think she has an spectrum disorder? Or if she is simply suffering from severe PTSD? Or both I guess?
Her Dad is very awkward socially, and I think his marriage broke down because of his emotional issues... but he's very good at his job. He's never been diagnosed with any spectrum disorders either, but even my ex says she thinks he might be. He can be very odd and a little bit rude sometimes, and talks in much the same way as his daughter. Bombarding with information, not really asking questions or listening to other parties. Also, HE knows best, with everything.

I sincerely apologise if I've said anything offensive, as I really don't mean to be... I'm more just venting my frustrations and pain.
Is it possible to make things work between an NT and someone with Asperger's?

Thanks so much for your help.

 

[Lia]

It's impossible to tell, but to me, it seems like she's struggling with a lot more than just aspergers.
It's perfectly possible for someone NT to be with someone with Aspergers, but relationships are always going to be hard if one part is struggling with mental illness, regardless if they're autistic or not.
Also, I don't think you should make it about you when it comes to being intimate. She was assaulted by her ex and is clearly still struggling with what happened.
Is she in therapy?

 

[Bolletje]

She could be on the spectrum, but I agree with @Lia in that she seems to be dealing with a lot more than possibly being on the spectrum. I do hope she’s seeing a professional.

I understand how frustrating it can be to have a higher libido than your partner and to be shut down regularly. But I also know how it feels to be pressured for sex, even when you’ve stated you’re not in the mood, to the point of giving in just to end the guilting. For future reference: if you’re intimate with a girl and she doesn’t really seem into it, it’s best to stop what you’re doing and check in with her to see if she’s enjoying herself. Correct me if I’m wrong, but from reading your story, my money’s on her “taking one for the team” occasionally, even though she’s not in the mood, because you complain about a lack of intimacy. Which is a very sore subject for someone who has PTSD from being habitually raped by a former partner.
As frustrating as it is, it’s better to just rub one out than to have sex with her when she is not really into it. That’s relationship poison.

 

[Dorkasour]

I am just curious, why were you with her so long if things generally didn't work out? I apologize that things ended up the way they did. I wish the best for both of you.

 

[PatSharp]

Replies already, thank you everyone, I appreciate your responses so much!

To clear some things up, I never once forced or persuaded her to do things when she didn't feel like it. I made sure I told her that if she was tired or didn't want to do anything, just say so and we won't. It did seem like she wasn't particularly interested most of the time and felt like she was doings things to keep me, if that makes sense? Like a process she has to go through to keep a man. She never vocalised those feelings, I'm just guessing.
But the knockbacks can be tough after a few years.
Also, there was never any passion or spontaneity (understandable under the circumstances, but that seemed strange to me at first) but she isn't really passionate about anything apart from going to the gym and her diet. Oh, and "Friends" the TV show... She can pretty much recite any line from any episode when it's on the TV. She can sing along to any song too, somehow remembering the lyrics after only a listen or two.

I've been a bit blunt describing things on here and missed some details out but I was always calm, understanding and loving. I never got angry, nor did we ever really argue. I never wanted to cause any problems, so would just wait and try to talk things through together.

I do agree, she is definitely dealing with a lot more than possibly just a spectrum disorder. I felt I could help her blossom and throw some of her anxiety aside.
Slowly, over time, with an awful lot of guidance she has become much more confident with her abilities, and with her body, and the way she looks too.
I haven't seen her have a meltdown for a quite a while thinking about it. Together we worked on anxiety problems, slowly pushing her boundaries as to what she'll eat, or places she'll go and possibly the wrong thing in hindsight, but giving her lots of hugs when she was struggling. I also found out after a while that putting on music was what calmed her down in a depression. She would suddenly light up the room with her singing, despite being near inconsolable.
The reason I lasted so long with her was because I thought it was something we could fix together.

I have no idea exactly what she went through with her ex, and we have spoken about it quite a few times. I think he forced himself on her twice maybe and then she left. After he'd cheated on her, she literally felt sick for him to touch her, but still stayed with him for a bit for some reason. Probably low self esteem, him being good at emotional manipulation and she was living with him too.

I think she's looking her symptoms up online and has maybe found PTSD as the answer as to why she's the way she is? I'm not saying she isn't suffering from that at all.

I guess, what is the best course of action? Do I mention something to her, or her mum?

She has never had therapy for anything by the way... She did some breathing exercises, yoga and spiritual things with someone she knew who was into yoga and that did help things a bit.

I'm not totally new to aspergers. I have a long term friend who is diagnosed with it, and his best friend also seems much higher on the spectrum than him.
They are both completely different, but after reading things through about my ex and ASD's it suddenly clicked that actually she was showing similar personality traits as my friend. This friend is awkward in conversation and suffers from terribly low self esteem, but is now happily married.
Interesting though that my ex struggled to be around him as she found him awkward to talk to

Thanks again everyone, I look forward to hearing your views.

 

[Bolletje]

I think there is nothing for you to do here. Don't mention anything to her, or her mom. You made a choice, you broke up with her. Now leave her be, so she can heal and find her own place in life. Hopefully, with some therapy, but that's her choice.

 

[wight]

You have relayed a lot of information. Here is the core of what I take away from your posts:

You come from and tend to be expressive of affection/emotion with physicality (hugging, kissing). She, for the reasons you stated and probably others, is/does not.

Compatibility in this area is critical to any relationship. With a large mismatch, as you are talking about... usually results in long term non-viability.

 

[PatSharp]

I think there is nothing for you to do here. Don't mention anything to her, or her mom. You made a choice, you broke up with her. Now leave her be, so she can heal and find her own place in life. Hopefully, with some therapy, but that's her choice.

I totally agree, this was my thinking too, I was just wondering if it was wrong for me to not say something to her or to her mother. Her family are oblivious, her mum knows nothing of her trauma, and I feel pain that there's nothing I can do to help.

I guess I leave it, and hope she can try to get her problems dealt with in therapy, if that's what she chooses to do.
This is so tough, I still love her so much

Thank you everyone.

 

[PatSharp]

After reading more and more about the subject, I definitely think that if I knew she displayed aspergers traits we could have fixed what was wrong.

It wasn't just the intimacy that was the problem, that was MY problem, and I dealt with that as best I could.
But she would sound grumpy or angry, yet insist she wasn't. She would get angry, but say she wasn't angry. To me she sounded angry, so of course that's what I thought.
Looking back over the past 4 years, and reading articles on Aspergers, really seems to help. I just wish she had the knowledge and treatment to 'diagnose' the issue. She MUST have wondered why I repeatedly asked her to speak a bit louder. I ended up just telling her that I'm going a bit deaf, but she still wouldn't raise her voice to am easily audible level in conversations.
She must have wondered why I always thought she was grumpy or angry by the tone of her voice, even though she says she wasn't.

As difficult as aspergers may be to understand for a Neurotypical person like me, she was extremely loyal, very very good at buying thoughtful gifts and also very good at writing. I wish I'd known about all of this sooner. Maybe I could have helped much more

 

[sisselcakes]

I read your post on my phone and had to get on the computer to respond. I feel for your situation. I, like you, worked really hard to try to figure things out. Why did the course of my relationship with my bf seem so odd compared to my other past relationships? And why was our intimate life so different from my expectations?

After doing a lot of reading, coming on here, and analyzing so many situations and experiences, I also came to the conclusion that my bf probably was on the spectrum. He has finally accepted as much after me broaching the subject with him on many occasions and trying to explain to him the reasons we seem to struggle so much with our communications.

Your gf definitely has much more going on than likely being on the spectrum. With her history of being violated, it's understandable how it would affect her ability to be intimate. On top of that she may have been dealing with sensory issues. Ultimately, people all have their own level of need for intimacy, regardless of their spectrum-status, so to speak.

My bf has a lower libido than I, and he seems to have some pre-determined ideas of how often he can be "successful", though that has been proven wrong on several occasions. I've learned to adjust to the frequency. Again, your ex seems to have other issues with severe anxiety that add to the mix.

I understand why you hung in there for so long, even though there were signs of trouble early on. I did the same, even after breaking up a couple of times.

It's really hard to be around someone who doesn't give you affirmation. We NT's need that, and it just doesn't come naturally to most people who are on the spectrum, from what I've read and also from what I've personally experienced with my bf.

I've also had moments of feeling neglected and unattractive and just plain empty. It feels empty and lonely to be physically close to someone but have that hollow sensation in your gut. It's like there's an invisible screen between you - the words come out but they seem to dissipate in the air before they reach the other person's ears. It's the strangest sensation that I had never felt with anyone else.

But hope dies hard... hence, the reason I'm still working at things and I think I've convinced my bf that it's worth trying, at least. Of late things are getting better, but most of it has been due to my own research and flexibility in gaining an understanding of why things are the way they are between us and implementing a different strategy for interacting than what I'm used to. It's really hard. I'm not going to lie; but it's worth it in the end, I think.

You are asking if things ever work out between ppl on the spectrum and NTs? The answer is "yes". There are lots of people on here- very kind people, who will support you and help you grasp a better understanding of the aspie perspective. If you want to try to work this out, it will mean that you, as the more flexible person, will have to make the majority of adjustments. There are books written on the subject, BUT your ex would have to be willing to participate.

The other thing is she would really have to get professional help for the PTSD symptoms, I believe. I wonder if she would be willing to do that? And it's really important that it be a person who is familiar with ASD. A therapist who lacks understanding could make her feel misunderstood and a negative experience could re-traumatize her. Sometimes people who have been through trauma are reluctant to seek help because its terrifying to face the traumatic events, which is basically what you have to do in therapy (though a good therapist would not force someone to do it faster than they feel able to). Maybe I missed something you wrote but I didn't get a sense as to whether or not she would consider therapy or if you feel you could broach the subject. I would not speak to her mother about it, especially if she isn't aware of her trauma history, unless she gives you permission; though it sounds like you've already talked to her about the anxiety, in general.

You sound like a very sensitive, empathetic person which is probably one reason she decided to get into a relationship with you. Clearly your patience and support has had a positive effect on her and her self-image which is an amazing gift you can give someone; and you still love her, which is the most important thing here.

Finally, a few things you mentioned that I can relate to:

The anger- it scares me but I don't think I always read my bf correctly. He speaks in a blunt tone and doesn't soften his responses in a way that most NT's try to do. What I hear as angry is sometimes him just being matter-of-fact. I think if she tells you she isn't angry, you have to accept that.

The low tone of voice - He has a deep voice, speaks in a low tone, and sometimes doesn't annunciate well. Also, he'll tend to speak in another direction other than toward me. Then he will get annoyed when I ask him to repeat himself. LOL

"Friends"- I had to chuckle at your gf reciting lines of the show. My bf works from home and repeatedly watches the same movies and the same TV shows. I think it's kind of a comfort for him to have something familiar on in the background while he works.

What are your thoughts at this point? Are you through or are you considering trying to work things out? How about her?

Wishing you lots of luck!

 

[PatSharp]

Thank you SO much for your honest and optimistic response. I can't thank you enough for being so understanding and warm towards my problems. Made me cry a lot.

I struggled with my thoughts on a daily basis, which I found hard... why did things feel so wrong so in our relationship? I was just willing to work hard at it. Too hard I think, in hindsight. To the detriment of my self.
I put my life on hold in a way, sort of waiting for things to get a bit better. I let my cooking proper meals stop happening, I didn't do any DIY to my house, I generally struggled quite a bit coming to terms with what we were missing. We'd have a chat, try and work things out and carry on from there, but it would quickly decline into the same routines. Don't get me wrong, the sex wasn't bad at all, it was always great. In the beginning things were tricky, as she hadn't tried anything before... she was very inexperienced, despite having had more partners than I have. The things I missed though, were the whispering in each other's ears, or the more sensual side of things. She just couldn't ever "let go" of herself emotionally. I asked for her to look at me while we were doing things and she couldn't... she said "no, that would be too intense". I didn't ask again.
I didn't really know, or have time to analyse things much because I work hard and she spends an awful lot of time at the gym, and on her phone doing social media stuff so maybe we didn't see enough of each other either?
More recently I became quite distant too, but for me this was a coping mechanism. I'm quite (more like very) a sensitive person, and can get easily knocked in relationships, despite being outwardly confident and things.

I was always committed, but felt she wasn't I suppose. She never showed me she was as committed physically, in a way that I am used to.
I'll try to answer some of your questions.

She is willing to have therapy sessions, she says, but she does seem to struggle following things through. She obviously has no idea I'm writing here, nor does she have any idea that she may be on the autistic spectrum, or that I think she is. I only did a bit of research online after I called it quits, just to see what was online about PTSD. She only told me about it when I called it a day. I stumbled across a few places where PTSD seemed to be quite common in people with Aspergers. Then realised that many of the same personality traits were things I had noticed in her, but never thought much of. Every day I read more and more that points to this being Aspergers, mixed with her anxiety.
The odd thing for me seems to be that she has seen her ex (the one that abused her) at the gym she used to attend, and they even said hello to each other... and I thought PTSD would have kicked in right about then? But, I don't really know much about it.

It will be an issue for her going for therapy as she doesn't know she may possibly be on the spectrum and therefore won't find a specialist in that area.
We have chatted about her anxiety at length, and to be honest now she tends to deal with it extremely well. I've tried so hard to get her to think positively about things, which she still can't do very well... but her anxiety levels have reduced a lot. She doesn't let much hold her back these days, is always signing up for courses in knitting and silverwork, mainly because she has decided she wants to do creative things. (Because she adores my mum I think, and she's an artist).

My thoughts going forward are muddy.
I have no idea, I'm grieving very hard over what we had but also wondering if I could cope with a lifetime of this going forward. I'm still unsure and confused.
I felt I have put everything on the line, told her how I felt about everything but nothing really changed with the intimacy thing.
Only after I ended it, did she come back with ways to solve our disconnect. How to reconnect using tantra techniques and things like that. She stated that she realised it was 'action, not words' that I needed. She's exactly right there... but I'm bothered by the fact it took a breakup for her to 'understand'. She said she thought she'd never lose me.
I think if I said to her "do you want to chat about moving forward together?" She would say yes, but probably have some issues acting normal around me for a bit. She said to me "I HAVE to work this out, I cannot end up like my Dad". Her parent's got divorced for very similar reasons as I have stated in my initial post... her mother never got enough from him emotionally.

I feel all sorts of emotion right now: guilt, love, resentment, loss and I don't know where to turn

Thanks again for your post, the next few months are going to be very tough.

 

[sisselcakes]

Sorry I made you cry :-( but I understand. It can be really emotional when someone "gets" you. The experience has been hard and I'd venture to guess that no one really understands what it's been like. When I've tried to talk to friends and family, they think I'm making excuses for my bf because they don't have the amount of knowledge I do about ASD.

I can totally relate about letting the house work go and not taking care of yourself. When I feel really low about how things are going in my relationship, I neglect both of those things. I think it's good that you realize, in hindsight, that not keeping up on these things is a warning sign. Above all, we've got to take care of ourselves.

The distance thing makes sense. When things aren't going well, like I think my bf is angry or we aren't "connecting", I tend to do what your gf does- go on social media. I discovered this was just creating more problems. He was feeling neglected but wouldn't say anything because in the past I would get angry for his feedback as I always took it as criticism; so he just learned to clam up. That's not good for anybody.

I didn't realize that your gf wasn't aware of your suspicions about the spectrum, that you had only recently started reading up on it and had an ah-ha moment. I work in mental health so I'm familiar with PTSD. It's tough to discern what's what. Trauma could cause a lot of the things you've commented on with regard to her behavior (esp the intimacy thing), but it does sound like more than just anxiety-related (the result of you feeling unattractive, for example).

With regard to seeing her ex, it's hard to say what would trigger an anxiety attack versus not. She may feel very safe in the gym and she could have been in a good place at the time, mentally. Sounds like she spends a lot of time there. Also, the anxiety of seeing him could hit her after the fact. It may not occur right in the moment. It's impossible for us to know what's going on in someone else's reality, even if we are pretty good at mind-reading; which leads to me another challenge I've had with my bf. (I'm sitting here thinking "this guy is going to think 'shut the hell up about your relationship. I've got my own problems'". LOL). I'm very good at reading people and that really threw me for a loop with Rich. I've misread him many, many times. One example is my interpreting his tone as angry, when he denied being angry.

With regard to her following through on therapy- my bf will engage with me to discuss our relationship and ways to make it better but he also has a lack of follow through. Sometimes I feel like we've made a breakthrough but when I bring it up in the future, it's like we never discussed it. That's an unusual experience for me.

That's why I've taken the initiative to be the executive, so to speak, in making sure things don't fall through the cracks when it comes to working on our relationship. I sort of see it as I am more flexible and more relationship-oriented so it falls on me to drive the effort. That's not to say he doesn't have his role or his responsibility to the relationship, but I assume you get what I mean.

That's really excellent about her anxiety decreasing and being more engaged in activities and such. Sounds like overall you've been a positive and calming presence in her life.

Well, maybe you don't have to make any decisions right now about going forward with or without her. Seems you've just fallen into all this new information and it's a bit overwhelming right now. Let it sink in and process it. Maybe the break from the intensity of the relationship problems will help you gain clarity. There are so many moving pieces with your situation (PTSD symptoms, possible ASD, intimacy issues, mixed feelings about the relationship, grief) that a break is probably a good thing. Ultimately, you may decide a permanent break is due but only time will tell. You do raise a good point, that you have to really consider whether or not you can get your needs met. I think we can get some of our needs met in ways we’ve never considered. We are used to relationships going a certain way. You expect that when you say "A", she'll naturally respond "B", but it never goes down like that. You never get back what you expect. I’ve been reading a book called Troubleshooting Relationships on the Autistic Spectrum. It breaks things down in a way of thinking I’m not accustomed to. It takes a more logical perspective, which ironically demands some creativity (on our part).

About her seeming more motivated after you broke up… Something similar happened to me. It wasn’t until I broke up with my boyfriend that he took me seriously about his comments that sounded judgmental and critical. It was after that that he truly listened and stopped doing it. He said he didn’t intend to hurt me, but he finally understood how it sounded to me and he stopped. He also agreed to go to counseling with me and read a book, which was a shocker. I didn’t break things off so that he would do these things, but when he came back willing to do these things, it made me realize that he really was committed and loved me a lot (has trouble convincing me in other ways) and was willing to do some uncomfortable things in order for our relationship to work out.

I suspect the reason your gf didn’t come around until you broke things off is she didn’t understand what your needs were. You don’t know how to communicate them in a way she would understand. That might sound unfair to you- that all the work is on you, but we are the ones with the cognitive flexibility (I'm assuming here that she is on the spectrum), so naturally certain things will fall on us. I think it was the reality of the break up that made her “hear” your concerns, though she probably doesn’t entirely get it. In my case, my boyfriend heard me about the criticism but he didn’t entirely get it because his solution was to stop giving me feedback of any kind because he couldn’t discern what I would take as criticism and how to express a legitimate need or request without me taking it as such.

Sorry to blab on so much but I'm good at it. LOL.

How do you think your gf would feel if you broached the subject of possibly being on the spectrum, or is that just too much right now?

 

[PatSharp]

I'm crying a lot at the moment it seems... Everything is setting me off. Went for a walk to clear my head earlier and broke down when I got back. Went on a route where we used to walk together during the summer, and it hit me so hard. What a stupid decision that was.
I've never found breakups an easy thing, I tend to devote a lot of time and effort into relationships, which means when hey they go wrong, it can take a very long time to get over them.

This is my issue, she is undiagnosed... She did score highly in an online autism test we both took as a bit of a joke, which made her cry actually, bless her.
But, as you say, we can never guess what's going on in someone else's head. So, as far as the PTSD issue goes, I only found out about that after I split with her, so I've not had much chance to understand and get my head around that at all.
Whatever she has been through clearly affects her day to day life, and I hate that. She seems to have a handle on things at the moment, but then I went and spoiled it all by ending things.
I was at the end of my tether with everything really... Work has been stressing me out a lot recently, we've been spending less time together due to her current diet... I should have asked her to move in years ago, but could never quite bring myself to do that either, and that played on my mind a lot. "Why couldn't I ask her to move in?" I would think that a lot.
It gets a bit embarrassing too, I was embarrassed for her, and felt a bit stupid at family functions... Why hadn't we started living together after all this time?
I do think this has put a big spanner in the works for everything really. She was quite expectant after around 6 months of seeing each other, that we begin thinking about her moving into my place. I was taken aback slightly... And hit panic mode. I knew she desperately wanted to leave home (she moved back in with her mum and step-dad after her split from her ex and had been there a few years.)
I thought she wanted to move in for the wrong reasons really. She was fed up at home, with a new and exciting partner and I think she got carried away. Anyway... 4 years later and I still didn't ask her to move in, so I'm just as guilty for not showing her the affirmation she was after. I think that was always an issue, and I could sense that always.

Unfortunately, I struggle to move in with someone if I have any doubts at all. Small niggles are fine, but intimacy and anger problems bothered me a lot.
As you said, your man does the angry thing when he's not actually angry. She does this too, and I struggled with that. I found it hard to deal with and had never seen anything like it before.
On the flip side though, she has misconstrued things I've said to her as angry, when I definitely wasn't. She caused a scene last week when I said to her to be careful of the jug on the table as her jacket was dragging it off towards the edge... I wasn't loud, or angry, or making it obvious but it bugged her a lot. So, clearly there are lots of communication issues, whether she has ASD or not.

You're totally right about the changing until you break things off... She didn't change a thing. She listened, and made comments, but she didn't "hear" me. Although things were better for a week or two, it declined very quickly and I was back to square one again. I'm not a very confrontational person, I struggle to tell girlfriends what I want, and like I said, this is an issue in any relationship I suppose, people aren't mind readers, how are they supposed to know?

Don't apologise for blabbing, I'm enjoying reading it all. I'm super impressed that you are coping with your relationship and doing all of the right things, I wish I was as good a person as you. Totally selfless and very positive about everything.

As for broaching the subject of being on the spectrum, that definitely won't happen now. She doesn't want to meet to talk unless it's about trying to sort stuff out and get back together. Otherwise she wants me to drop her remaining things back at her front door and then leave it. She's on complete closure mode right now, and that's that I suppose, unless I decide I want to give things another chance.
She did admit, and I can't remember if I said this, that she had taken my affection for granted and she was very sorry. She never thought I would leave her. This makes my heart break so badly.