sheep_lemons_cats
New Member
Hi, everyone. I feel like crying, finally finding people to talk to about all of this.
A few months ago I started watching a YouTuber. They're a female aspie and I wanted to learn more about what that's like. Turns out, I relate to aspie symptoms way more than is comfortable.
Now I'm on a wait list for the official adult autism assessment. Predictably, it will take about a year. But I feel like I'm being dipped in a hot tub and then an ice pail and back again, back and forth between doubt and certainty.
Thinking back on my life I'm now starting to see all of these small incidents, accidents, rejections, disappointments, misunderstandings in a new light. I didn't realize until now that I was waiting for an explanation for those things. The worst part is, if I'm right, all of those things people told me when I was a kid... They'll mean something different now.
I'm trying to un-learn all of the things I thought I needed to do. You know I feel afraid when I become interested in something new? I feel like I'm choking myself to keep from learning more about it. I keep track of how long I'm talking, how long I'm looking at someone, whether or not they can tell I'm not looking in their eyes or that my irises are shaking. I rewrite emails because the way I want to talk sounds like I'm writing an academic paper. I only need to run the sink and put a plate in to do the dishes, but I still can't figure out how I'm supposed to start doing them.
I'm really hoping that in finding this community I've found people who can remind me why I'm waiting for an assessment, rather than believe the narrative that I'm making things up, I'm exaggerating, I'm too "high functioning" to be an aspie. I look forward to meeting everyone, and thank you so much for clicking on this sad thread.
Sheepy
A few months ago I started watching a YouTuber. They're a female aspie and I wanted to learn more about what that's like. Turns out, I relate to aspie symptoms way more than is comfortable.
Now I'm on a wait list for the official adult autism assessment. Predictably, it will take about a year. But I feel like I'm being dipped in a hot tub and then an ice pail and back again, back and forth between doubt and certainty.
Thinking back on my life I'm now starting to see all of these small incidents, accidents, rejections, disappointments, misunderstandings in a new light. I didn't realize until now that I was waiting for an explanation for those things. The worst part is, if I'm right, all of those things people told me when I was a kid... They'll mean something different now.
I'm trying to un-learn all of the things I thought I needed to do. You know I feel afraid when I become interested in something new? I feel like I'm choking myself to keep from learning more about it. I keep track of how long I'm talking, how long I'm looking at someone, whether or not they can tell I'm not looking in their eyes or that my irises are shaking. I rewrite emails because the way I want to talk sounds like I'm writing an academic paper. I only need to run the sink and put a plate in to do the dishes, but I still can't figure out how I'm supposed to start doing them.
I'm really hoping that in finding this community I've found people who can remind me why I'm waiting for an assessment, rather than believe the narrative that I'm making things up, I'm exaggerating, I'm too "high functioning" to be an aspie. I look forward to meeting everyone, and thank you so much for clicking on this sad thread.
Sheepy