Waiting Assessment and Struggling

[sheep_lemons_cats]

Hi, everyone. I feel like crying, finally finding people to talk to about all of this.

A few months ago I started watching a YouTuber. They're a female aspie and I wanted to learn more about what that's like. Turns out, I relate to aspie symptoms way more than is comfortable.

Now I'm on a wait list for the official adult autism assessment. Predictably, it will take about a year. But I feel like I'm being dipped in a hot tub and then an ice pail and back again, back and forth between doubt and certainty.

Thinking back on my life I'm now starting to see all of these small incidents, accidents, rejections, disappointments, misunderstandings in a new light. I didn't realize until now that I was waiting for an explanation for those things. The worst part is, if I'm right, all of those things people told me when I was a kid... They'll mean something different now.

I'm trying to un-learn all of the things I thought I needed to do. You know I feel afraid when I become interested in something new? I feel like I'm choking myself to keep from learning more about it. I keep track of how long I'm talking, how long I'm looking at someone, whether or not they can tell I'm not looking in their eyes or that my irises are shaking. I rewrite emails because the way I want to talk sounds like I'm writing an academic paper. I only need to run the sink and put a plate in to do the dishes, but I still can't figure out how I'm supposed to start doing them.

I'm really hoping that in finding this community I've found people who can remind me why I'm waiting for an assessment, rather than believe the narrative that I'm making things up, I'm exaggerating, I'm too "high functioning" to be an aspie. I look forward to meeting everyone, and thank you so much for clicking on this sad thread.

Sheepy

 

[tree]

 

[AngelaS267]

I went through the exact same thing in the exact same order that you did. I went on YT, and found an aspie girl channel and it hit be like a brick. It feels liberating to know why you've felt different for all these years, but its a little soar because then you start to hyper focus on all of the ways that your traits show up in your life. I was just thinking about this the other day, I feel like my symptoms have gotten worse since finding out in 2018 that I was on the spectrum. But it's an illusion. You are just really aware now of how you are, but it's always been there. You are still you. I welcome you to the community, and I hope you can find support here. I think you're going to relate to a lot of people on here.

 

[Sarah S]

Hello and warm welcome to the forum

Try to not stress to much about this you either have this or other or even multible diagnosis and if so the evaluation will determan this ( & note i said possible multible or any other diagnosis , What i ment was DONT get stuck in you defenetly have autism/Aspergers /ASD you could also just as well have non or any other diagnosis as well as non at all )

And also stop comparing youre self to others (incl in here ) with said diagnose ,this kind of NP diagnosis are all highly individual and hardy anyone has all the same Criterias as the others. + what you also have to concider is both Gender Us females show our "tics " more suptle and in diffent ways then males .And also you have to concider the severety or level of said diagnose as well. And last in many cases there is often multible co morbid diagnosis as well.

 

[Thinx]

Hi and welcome. Plenty here are self diagnosed, as an adult you can evaluate whether you have high autistic traits or not, many people do, and yet might not get a diagnosis because either not quite high enough or didn't seem to meet all criteria etc etc.

As a female, with the criteria predicated on males, you may also be less likely to be behaviourally seen to fit criteria, and currently research is underway to 'prove' what has been already noticed and described by women with Autism and clinicians about the different female phenotype that means we can go undiagnosed far more than males.

Stick around and learn more, see if experiences and strategies of others here seem useful. Look at the resources. I also recommend the Jessica Kingsley publishers catalogue for texts by women with Autism and clinicians about this. I hope you enjoy it here.

 

[Alexej]

HI @sheep_lemons_cats

Welcome to the Forum,
While you are waiting for your assessment do have a read of the threads that come up in here as well as some of the older ones; where there is a lot to be learned.

 

[menander]

I hope you can learn a lot here. Welcome! Look over the DSM requirements carefully and see if it is indeed the case. That is the only way, a full assessment. But you can get clues.

 

[Pats]

When I was first diagnosed, I told my siblings - they grew up with me, I was hoping they could be helpful with remembering how they viewed me growing up and stuff. None of them would accept the diagnosis and every one of them would say that's just who I was and am. YES - and that that is just who I was and am fits the description of autism. Funny thing, though - all 4 of my kids was more along the "I can see that" lines and weren't totally surprised. They used to say things to me like I wasn't like other moms. Well, guess I wasn't - just didn't know why.
Anyhow - you are who you are and, as I tell everyone, you are the best at knowing what's going on inside of you.

 

[Magna]

Welcome. You're doing the right thing by joining a forum comprised of people that you identify with whether or not you have autism provided you find comfort, affirmation and encouragement in your participation.

Going for an adult assessment was a very positive choice in my life. I respect the decision of those who self-diagnose and leave it at that. I was not one of those kinds of people. I had to know for sure. According to my assessor/therapist I scored "off the charts" (her words) and then she showed me the exact results.

Being diagnosed has also been a game changer for me and in very positive ways. It all makes sense to me. I have a sense of peace and understanding of myself that I never had before. I also have higher self esteem. I'm not defective after all those years of believing I was. I'm just different. I'm autistic and I'm very happy to be so.

 

[Giraffes]

Hi and welcome to the forum, I was late diagnosed and funded this myself as my doctor and other professionals failed to take me seriously, I only found this forum recently and have found many stories and experiences that have echoed my own, supporting me to no longer feel so alone, there are many interesting links To improve knowledge and try strategies and I hope you find support and understanding.

 

[Len Huppe]

Welcome Sheepy! I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. There is life after realization / diagnosis, and I can assure you that It gets easier with time. How do you suppose I know this? Here you are not alone. Feel free to ask questions and seek answers. I hope that you can find some peace of mind.

 

[sport]

I found out late that had mid intellectual disability which answered a lifetime of questions.

 

[sport]

Thanks for thumb's up.

 

[Len Huppe]

Hi, everyone. I feel like crying, finally finding people to talk to about all of this.

A few months ago I started watching a YouTuber. They're a female aspie and I wanted to learn more about what that's like. Turns out, I relate to aspie symptoms way more than is comfortable.

Now I'm on a wait list for the official adult autism assessment. Predictably, it will take about a year. But I feel like I'm being dipped in a hot tub and then an ice pail and back again, back and forth between doubt and certainty.

Thinking back on my life I'm now starting to see all of these small incidents, accidents, rejections, disappointments, misunderstandings in a new light. I didn't realize until now that I was waiting for an explanation for those things. The worst part is, if I'm right, all of those things people told me when I was a kid... They'll mean something different now.

I'm trying to un-learn all of the things I thought I needed to do. You know I feel afraid when I become interested in something new? I feel like I'm choking myself to keep from learning more about it. I keep track of how long I'm talking, how long I'm looking at someone, whether or not they can tell I'm not looking in their eyes or that my irises are shaking. I rewrite emails because the way I want to talk sounds like I'm writing an academic paper. I only need to run the sink and put a plate in to do the dishes, but I still can't figure out how I'm supposed to start doing them.

I'm really hoping that in finding this community I've found people who can remind me why I'm waiting for an assessment, rather than believe the narrative that I'm making things up, I'm exaggerating, I'm too "high functioning" to be an aspie. I look forward to meeting everyone, and thank you so much for clicking on this sad thread.

Sheepy

Dear Sheepy,

Please allow me to try and ease your mind some. You have a lot going on and you are justified in having some strong feelings along with a number of serious concerns. That is a completely normal human response. However, worrying yourself sick will accomplish nothing. I submit to you that a much better use of your mental energy would be to learn how to live with and manage your condition, whatever it is. Remember what I said in my welcoming post - there is life after diagnosis. What really matters is how you treat the person in order to improve his or her quality of life.

Joining this community was a good move on your part. It certainly was for me. In your case I think that it would be very helpful to talk about your concerns. Begin with what worries you the most. We will always be here to lend an ear and just listen if that is what you need. When the time comes that you are ready to talk about things, we are ready to be engaged in conversation. Over time you will learn that we all have a lot in common.

I hope to hear from you soon so that we can share experiences. Its very therapeutic I assure you.