Was I wrong to argue with the IEP team about being placed in Special ed during an IEP meeting?

[TranPhatQuoc]

I turned 5 in April 2005, months before the cutoff date, and despite the fact I was already reading and doing addition/subtraction by 5 and was learning the times tables, 9 planets (now 8 as Pluto is a dwarf planet), 43 presidents, 50 states/capitals, several major world countries, and the 24 time zones by 6, I was still being redshirted and had to "repeat" Preschool. I was also thrown on an IEP due to an autism diagnosis at 4 (a year after immigrating to America), and I was placed in a self-contained special ed classroom during Pre-K and the first half of kindergarten, spending half the day in a gen ed class. In the second half, even though I remained on an IEP, I was effectively 100% mainstreamed and from there, my behavior, social skills, and grades improved, and most importantly, my autism symptoms improved.​

Fast forward to the third grade, I received very high MAP scores (99th percentile for math and 94th percentile for reading). I took the MAP test 9 times and my math scores consistently straddle around the 99th percentile for my grade and 98-99 for the grade above, and my english scores fluctuate between the 60-95 percentiles for my grade and the 40-80 percentiles for the grade above (average is 65/80 percentile). I was learning material at 2-3 grades ahead of my grade level (including 7th grade math at 4th grade, chemistry/quantum physics at 5th grade, read a lot of Wikipedia, Encyclopedia Britannica, and history textbooks as an 8-9 year old, and self-taught myself programming at 10), and my grades were generally good, receiving an A in every class except English (where my grades range from B to A-). English is not my first language. During the 3rd grade and until the end of 5th grade, I was in an above-grade classroom for math (spent time in the 4-6th grade homerooms).

My behavior is decent, despite being a bored student as I learned most of the material from 1-2 years prior. However, even though my social skills improved, it was still bad (I couldn't relate to many of my classmates, who were more than a year younger than me), and I thought "skipping a grade" would improve my social skills more as I was and still am mostly gregarious towards older people (I later found out in college I should have been grade skipped and my social life was far better in college). Due to me being with younger students, I never properly learned how to socialize until college and I was bullied, mainly by younger peers, with me mostly talking with students in higher grades, during middle and high school. Case in point, between the 3rd and 5th grade (when I left the district), I received an A in conduct and effort in every single class, every single quarter.

Lunch Bunch and the IEP were both hindrances due to me being lumped in with behaviorally challenged students (I was in the same homeroom as many lunch bunch students and many were called to the principal's office monthly), and I wanted to be lifted off the IEP to be more like normal people. Lunch bunch never helped me socially, and they have never taught much. I told my parents I wanted to be lifted off the IEP and even ripped the IEP papers due to me hating it, but my parents told me the school forced me to be on an IEP, so they are not willing to lift me off.

Now fast forward to the middle of 5th grade, I was attending a Tet performance and saw my 6th grade math classmate sing a Vietnamese Lunar New Year song I hate. Due to the fact I hate her, I don't want to be in the same classes as her. I asked the principal on whether or not I could switch to another math classroom but she rejected. In April of that year, my teacher even forced me to sit next to her and work with her, and it infuriated me and that was the turning point. Coincidentally, even before this saga, my parents were actively looking for a new house just a town over. In May, there was an incident where I verbally harassed her and said some derogatory stuff (called her mentally retarded) at a temple and was suspended despite having no behavioral issues at school. I apologized for the incident and when I moved to the new town in July, I started to rebuild myself. Little I know would this affect my entire education trajectory. I know I am totally wrong on that aspect, but due to me being burdened by IEPs and special ed and the fact I was in a lower socioeconomic neighborhood, I never even thought of a therapist/psychologist as they are quite stigmatized (now I am meeting at least 2-3 therapists weekly to process my frustration about special ed during middle school and how it derailed me from my path to success).

In August, days before 6th grade started, I moved to another town and I still remained on an IEP. My parents and I were called into the IEP meeting, and they suggested that I be placed with a special ed teacher. I cried in the meeting as I understood that I had adverse experiences with special ed during Pre-K and Kindergarten, and I wanted to protest against it. I argued to the IEP team that I had bad experiences with the special ed teacher after interacting with her during the open house and didn't want to be in her class. She was extremely condescending and micromanaging. But then, the IEP supervisor tried to lure me in, stating that she would help accelerate me in math, but the opposite happened (you will see why). I then argued no, but still, I was still forced in.

In September, I started 6th grade, and despite receiving an A in 6th grade math from the year prior, I repeated 6th grade math, but this time, in a special ed setting. There was 1 teacher, 5 aides, and 12 SPED students (5 in 6th, 5 in 7th, and 2 in 8th). Half of the day was spent in special ed (reading, math, Tutorial/resource) and the other half in regular classes (science, social studies, gym/art/music, lunch). All 5 students have the exact same schedule and are followed by 2 aides. Both of the aides were micromanaging, and for some reason, if I interact with girls at school, I would be given a red card from the aides.

Special ed has exacerbated my autism symptoms, and worsened by school behavior, social skills, and grades. Many of my neurotypical classmates bullied me harshly. I protested to leave the IEP multiple times during 6th, 7th, and 8th grade only to have a NO response. When I switched to a regular math class (6th, not 7th grade math) midway through the year, I found out I was chapters behind the mainstream student. Everybody in the homeroom had far more severe symptoms.

In the 7th grade, we are still in a special ed homeroom, albeit we are mainstreamed in every class, but still, all 5 students in the special ed have the exact same course schedule. I learned French on my own due to SPED students not being allowed to take foreign language (every regular student has to take a foreign language class) and only entered during the 8th grade after parental pressure, and was even barred from algebra despite passing the placement test. I only got in during the 2nd quarter after parental pressure.

TBF, Special ed exacerbated my symptoms and caused a ton of social issues and mental anxiety for me during this time.

TL;DR: AITA for advocating for myself during the IEP meeting? I know I am the asshole for the problem with a girl, but special ed has exacerbated my autism symptoms, and worsened my behavior and social skills and caused me to be bullied whenever I want to interact with regular students.

I am currently making 85k as a contracted IT administrator and I am looking to pursue a masters at OMSCS. Later, I am going to join my very close friend and become a CTO at his tech startup.

 

[Crossbreed]

Hello & welcome.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

The short answer to your question is "NO".

However, you do have to understand the context and perspective here. They were the adults and you were a child. There is a hierarchy there. There is also the cognitive bias on both your parts. Their bias being that you don't know what you don't know yet, and therefore might not have all the information needed to make a well-informed decision. Your bias, at the time, being that you knew what was best for you. One or both of those biases may have been right or wrong.

It is not uncommon for those of us with higher intellect to not fully grasp the level of social and communicative disability we may have. In many ways, we recognize that we are clearly functioning, intellectually, on a higher level than many of our peers, and this helps us with our ego and self-esteem. However, most humans function on an emotional, social, and communicative level in everyday life, and this is were they operate on a higher plain than we do. We only have our own perspective and we may be thinking to ourselves we get along just fine, but others, especially trained professionals will interpret our behaviors as rather dysfunctional. For example, I wasn't diagnosed until I was 50, and in terms of my social and communication skills, I was in the "severe" category. I could sense that my life and my social interactions may have been off a bit, but I had no idea that I was "severe". That opened my eyes.

At any rate, we can only play the cards given to us. We can only play to our strengths and try to make something out of them. The past happened. Use it as a learning experience and gain some wisdom, but it serves no purpose in ruminating about it. As they say, "water under the bridge". Eyes forward, not backward.

 

[TranPhatQuoc]

I started college in January 2018 after online school.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AsianParentStories/comments/1fdp0lc/my_asian_parents_forced_me_into_special_ed_and

Sorry if this is a lot longer

 

[Cutesie]

However, you do have to understand the context and perspective here. They were the adults and you were a child.

Your bias, at the time, being that you knew what was best for you. One or both of those biases may have been right or wrong.

Absolutely. It becomes even more challenging when this pattern continues as an adult. Both of my disabled brothers heavily resent the need for others to be involved in their care. The need is real, though. Especially for Ikey, he convinces himself that what he wants in the moment, not what is best for himself and those around him, is what should be done.

I, on the other hand, now long for someone to have more control over my decision-making. Being independent isn't working.

Your current success, @TranPhatQuoc, points to the possibility that all of that extra help in school may have been beneficial after all.

The past happened. Use it as a learning experience and gain some wisdom, but it serves no purpose in ruminating about it. As they say, "water under the bridge". Eyes forward, not backward.

True, but talking about it here can still be helpful. The OP clearly struggles with these memories of what happened and what could have been different. Confronting and discussing them is good - so long as one does it as a means of getting past them.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

True, but talking about it here can still be helpful. The OP clearly struggles with these memories of what happened and what could have been different. Confronting and discussing them is good - so long as one does it as a means of getting past them.

This is going to come off rather callous, but I just don't think on an emotional level. Just my perspective, but talking about childhood events, especially considering as a child, we were not in control of our lives, serves little purpose. It's not a situation where we somehow could have learned something in order to change our ways. There's no guilt, as we were victims of our situation and in no way in control. Nothing was going to be different, so no sense discussing it. There's no lesson to be learned. It just comes off as another "autistic rumination" cycle. Rumination tends to worsen our mental health. Best to avoid it altogether.