Wedding Anxiety

[mrjones2022]

Hello, new to the forum and wanted to share something coming up in my life with hope of some advice from people. I suspect I have autism but haven't been diagnosed. I also have problems with social situations and get anxiety. My teen daughter has been diagnosed with Autism and doesn't like social situations. I have a family wedding coming up soon and my wife and I continue to have arguments over it. We're attending as family but it's going to be a long day with events starting at noon and going on till 9pm plus, depending when we want to leave.

I respect the fact it's my wife's family and we want to support her in that, however, I've addressed several concerns with her such as having lunch before hand as the actual "lunch" isn't until 4pm or later, as we have young kids.. I mentioned bringing snacks and drinks and she's been told this isn't allowed by the venue.

I asked her for times of the day so I can be prepared, i.e what time the wedding starts, the lunch, dinner etc... so I can prepare this in my head.. i've raised this with her multiple times but she hasn't found out.. and we keep arguing about what time we will stay to. I said I don't want to be sat there until 10pm / 11pm at night just because she doesn't want to appear rude and leave early.

Both my daughter and I don't like being in large rooms of people.. and I've put forward the case that we will be there for 8+ hours and our young kids will also get bored... Do you think I'm asking too much?? I can go out in public.. but if we go on holiday for example, I like to look up everywhere we're going online and make a detailed list of rough times and how we get to places...

Any thoughts and comments welcome.

 

[Tom]

Your not asking too much for one on the spectrum in my opinion. I do exactly the same things. And it is good to work out these issues in advance. Sounds like you and your wife need to find a good way to talk about and work out mutually fair compromises. I am not formally diagnosed, but we both always knew I was different and when the lightbulb went off neither of us was surprised. Having it already on both sides of the family we had learned some things about it previously.

 

[Aspychata]

Is it possible to rent a hotel room near the venue? Truthfully, you don't want tired hungry kids ruining the wedding venue. Then you and kids can leave, get some down time, eat some food, maybe swim in the pool or watch TV, then go back to venue. It's unfair to younger kids, to expect them to not get stir crazy at a function. Any age will tend to get bored. Then your wife can stay on, and you will get a break. Or you will just have to come up with an excuse, and take off for a hour or two, and get the kids out of there, and go sit in the park, or something else. Just a suggestion. If the wedding is at a hotel, then you could just get a room there.

 

[mrjones2022]

Is it possible to rent a hotel room near the venue? Truthfully, you don't want tired hungry kids ruining the wedding venue. Then you and kids can leave, get some down time, eat some food, maybe swim in the pool or watch TV, then go back to venue. It's unfair to younger kids, to expect them to not get stir crazy at a function. Any age will tend to get bored. Then your wife can stay on, and you will get a break. Or you will just have to come up with an excuse, and take off for a hour or two, and get the kids out of there, and go sit in the park, or something else. Just a suggestion.

Thanks for your reply, yes we do have a hotel room, this was actually another problem between us. The Bride's venue recommended a nearby hotel (I think they own it or have a cut of it) and after looking at the tripadvisor reviews declined to stay there... I'm not a snob or anything but the reviews were really really bad and I tried to advise the bride of the reviews but it fell on deaths ears.. The problem is it starts about 12 and it's non stop from there onwards.. It was one of the main issues I put forward in the first place.. I said it's starting at 12 which is lunch time so when are we eating.. then we have to go into a bar area while they change the room over for lunch, which is starting at about 3 but there's around an hour of speech's first.. so we won't actually eat until 4 or something... then after that it's going straight into a disc with a buffet... I said at the start the timings are awful... I said a morning wedding with lunch at 1pm then a break so people could shower and come back at 6pm would have been better but it's not my wedding so can't really say much.

 

[1ForAll]

No you are not being unreasonable. Many with Autism would not even attend such if it was up to them unless it was close immediate family involved perhaps. The fact you show up and stay as long as you can, in the best frame of mind as you can, that should be respected. I feel it is realistic if you feel promises cannot be made and that exiting early may need to occur, or disruptions may happen, if the planners do not think all things through, relay that to the guests, or assumed all attending have the same tolerances and needs.

What is unreasonable is not to know at least generally what the important events will be, what it involves, and when they will happen, as if the bride and groom know this so should the guests. And if the latter does not know this, they perhaps are rushing the wedding without planning and without making sure those attending are on the same page, to make sure the best decisions are made and who to bring, and what to expect and bring, to make things as smooth flowing and comfortable for all, etc.

What is unreasonable is expecting children with lots of energy and needs to have the patience for extended time at even play places much less these formal places, and to enjoy the things offered which may contrast with their desires and needs. These persons may need less or more, or something different than what is being presented or offered because of personality, developmental and/or sensory issues.

In general though, I think the op seems reasonable in their concerns, and with regards to needs to plan themselves or with regards to not staying longer than tolerated. I do not think anyone should be pressuring any Autistic to act and think like neurotypicals, even if it is on someone else's one wedding day. Imagine a dinner reception where most all in attendence including the bride and groom were on the Spectrum, but a few invited NT guests who were asked to eat only a few select foods or that they disliked, for instance, or if some pressure was put on them to avoid speaking to many there. Would they grin and bear things for numerous hours? They could want answers too in advance to know what to expect, to determine what to do. They may see more stress than benefit coming, or need to leave early.

Although I am a believer in politeness, I feel politeness sometimes can be shown by not showing up to such big occasions (with a nice reason why) or by quietly leaving early if not doing so could cause more problems.

Expecting ones with Autism and children to not get bored, feel overloaded and wanting answers for any shorter event much less longer when many person's are there is unrealistic. So, if they are invited, the planners need to please them too if cooperation and their enjoyment is desired too. Yes, the invited could reject the invitation, but that assumes they have details in advance or are not getting or feeling pressure to show up. Otherwise, the non-typical invitees who attend could assume some flexibility was allowed, or feel like they were general rules for just neurotypicals.

I remember going to a wedding long ago as a young teen, if not younger, that was for not close family and I was bored and stressed after a few hours and needed out. Had our family been given answers before, we could have been prepared better or decided not to come. But my parents were so in their own fantasyland thinking that other family cared if we attended or not. I bet they regretted that decision inviting us when we likely were squirming to get away, looking at watches, and getting antsy, with tired eyes and bored or unhappy faces. They should not have invited kids, ND type persons if they expected total political correctness, rules adherence, patience and/or formality.

 

[Aspychata]

Just send your wife. Get sick that day, and stay home with kids. Seriously, the timing is horrible. Or find a hotel near the venue. Skip lunch, then show up at 3:00 is another idea, however your wife could attend lunch. Or put your foot down, and say you don't want to go.

 

[VictorR]

Welcome!

I'm in concurrence that if your wife is the one wanting the family to attend, that it would be on her to get a copy of the schedule so that your family can plan your participation in a manner that works for your family.

Also, unless it's someone really close, you may wish to consider the possibility of attending perhaps the dinner only, and skipping the other parts (or sending one or two representatives).

 

[Aspychata]

That's good idea @VictorR , get a babysitter. Then your wife and you get a little we time, maybe even hotel time, without the peanut gallery. Lol. Better yet, skip the wedding, and just have fun.

 

[Lisa1970]

Poppet, you clearly don't want to go. If it means that much to you, politely put your foot down and say no

 

[Rodafina]

@mrjones2022, do you frequently have difficulty communicating to your wife your capacity to tolerate social situations? Is she aware of how you experience these types of social situations? Could you try explaining to her the impact that this sort of social situation has on you, rather than fighting?

The things that you described would cause panic, pain, and total confusion for me. Anxiety leading up to it would be all consuming, and the day of the event would most likely cause meltdowns for me. Can you get some understanding from your wife what your own experience is so that she can have more tolerance for accommodating your needs?

Also, if you have young children, I think the rules about no outside food are probably more flexible than you guys are imagining. If you have a baby bag, stick some snacks in it, nobody’s going to take them from you at the door.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

You may find there are ways to be there, but also somewhat separated or insulated from the sensory experience. There are people that are "social butterflies" and will find you. We all have those "overly friendly" relatives, so you don't have to feel obligated to walk around and do the whole meet and greet thing. Grab a little food, sit at a table, and observe. If the kids start getting "antsy", then pick your moments to take them out for a bit of a walk and explore. Been there, done that, several times. As a parent, you can sometimes use your kids as an excuse to leave the situation for a few moments. Just "play it by ear" and "go with the flow". If it gets to be "too much" then, again, you can use your kids as an excuse to leave early.

 

[Progster]

I take earplugs to weddings, if I have to go to them (I usually avoid them).