Were you forbidden to make art?

[ilovebeingtheworst★]

Has anyone had the experience of being forbidden to do their special interest? How did that make you feel? Did you continue to do it? How do you feel about it now?

My story is that I spent most of my life drawing/painting, starting when I was about 3 until I was 16 (as a teenager I spent about 8-9 hours a day doing it, often skipping school just to draw; one piece of art took me about 2 days). My parents were ok with it at first, but when I told them I was going to be an artist they told me not to do it. At that point I was already depressed, my mother was an alcoholic with more than 10 years of experience, and my father hated "useless" people and didn't live with us. I am not from America, so parents in my country allowed to be much more cruel and brutal without consequences in society, every day I was abused. In general, I was very scared of them (most of my father) and I did not have the strength to stand up for myself. At 16 I already was forced to have a job for my family, but I also had no clue what people should do in life and why. I just didn't think about future, but I knew I was good at arts. I didn’t planed any escape.
At that moment, I took all my anger out on painting, accusing it of having no sense, since art is so easy to destroy (you can burn it, rip it up, and so on). It was a very simple and primitive idea, devoid of any logic. I think it was a projection of my own feelings (my art was a part of me, and that situation destroyed me so easy). When I was 16 I had no image of myself in my head. I also suffered from depersonalization and derealization, due to which I still have different states of consciousness, between which I can switch by willpower or from stress, such as:
my personality
an imaginary world with no real people (including me) or object,
void or lack of ego (if you imagine that there is nothing and nobody at all, but some ability to exist, without experience feelings)
and evil mind/voice (not mine or anyone's in particular, just unpleasant negative impulses that accompany me in my daily life)

I feel much more stable now, I have more experience and can afford to do whatever I want. I have and have had other interests since then, but I've never been as successful at them as I was at painting (mostly because I had to work, deal with relationship issues, etc.), but I feel scared and stressed by it now. The problem is also that now I'm afraid to do things similar things, though I like the idea of them. I wanted to make tattoos or design, but it feels like I'm ashamed and paralysed. For some reason I can't make the effort, I get my arms twisted. Does that mean I'll never be able to do it like I used to? Have you been able to go back to past favorite activities or are they already bad for you after a while? I love art and still plan to do art in my life, but this situation makes me uncomfortable. It's like some kind of block or ban on self-expression in general. How have you struggled with this, if you've faced it? Or have I just lost my talent and need to move on?

Share similar experiences, please. Does your work match your interests?

 

[Rodafina]

Thanks for sharing your story here. It sounds like you have such a deep understanding of the tumultuous childhood you had and the suffering that you had to endure because of your parents.

My first thoughts are that you are an artist at heart. You discovered this when you were young and it was like a survival tool for you. I don’t think that goes away, even though it can get buried and damaged through the trials of life.

I can only imagine that this is still very much a part of you and so, no, your talent is not lost and gone forever. Your passion could possibly be yours again if you can continue to sift through the feelings that you are having as repercussions of your difficult childhood.

My story is much different than yours, but I have had experiences of feeling mad at art because of some kind of self hatred. Art is a deep part of me and how I experienced the world, and when I cannot turn my own art into what I want it to be or I don’t have the creative energy to make it, I can get mad at art and that myself, even though it doesn’t make sense.

Perhaps you can fall in love with art again. Perhaps you can free yourself from this notion that it is no longer a powerful, useful, and critical tool for you to survive in the world.

Perhaps some kind of new art could revive the channels and get your creative mind Attached to making things again. Like messy collages, huge abstract paintings, sculpture, Crafting or building things. Perhaps creating some art for others could make it feel more useful at first and then you will remember her why it is so important to you.

I think you can repair your relationship with art even though some of the relationships in your life have been difficult.

 

[Misery]

I wasnt forbidden to do artistic things or anything like that, but there was something that put me off of it for a really long time: School. Which honestly was the case for a lot of things.

For a place that was supposedly all about learning, it really stifled creativity. Art classes were all about "make this exact thing" and whatnot, do it the "right" way, and I dont exactly gel with that well. And they dragged it out and just... ugh. It sucked. Just like math and all sorts of other topics it entirely killed my interest.

It wasnt until only just this last year that I finally got back to it, and even then it only really happened because I was inspired by a particular artist (Martin Walls, creator of The Walten Files, my favorite series on Youtube). So many artists try to mimic a particular style or whatnot, he's just like "screw it, I'll do whatever I feel like, thanks" and he makes it work. Kinda showed me that, you know what, I can do the same thing. I dont have to learn some traditional style. I'll make whatever screwball weird thing I want and dagnabit I'll make it work.

Also I discovered fractal art, and boy is that a deep and twisted rabbit hole.

Frustrates me though, just how much damage school can do in that way.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Has anyone had the experience of being forbidden to do their special interest? How did that make you feel? Did you continue to do it? How do you feel about it now?

My story is that I spent most of my life drawing/painting, starting when I was about 3 until I was 16 (as a teenager I spent about 8-9 hours a day doing it, often skipping school just to draw; one piece of art took me about 2 days). My parents were ok with it at first, but when I told them I was going to be an artist they told me not to do it. At that point I was already depressed, my mother was an alcoholic with more than 10 years of experience, and my father hated "useless" people and didn't live with us. I am not from America, so parents in my country allowed to be much more cruel and brutal without consequences in society, every day I was abused. In general, I was very scared of them (most of my father) and I did not have the strength to stand up for myself. At 16 I already was forced to have a job for my family, but I also had no clue what people should do in life and why. I just didn't think about future, but I knew I was good at arts. I didn’t planed any escape.
At that moment, I took all my anger out on painting, accusing it of having no sense, since art is so easy to destroy (you can burn it, rip it up, and so on). It was a very simple and primitive idea, devoid of any logic. I think it was a projection of my own feelings (my art was a part of me, and that situation destroyed me so easy). When I was 16 I had no image of myself in my head. I also suffered from depersonalization and derealization, due to which I still have different states of consciousness, between which I can switch by willpower or from stress, such as:
my personality
an imaginary world with no real people (including me) or object,
void or lack of ego (if you imagine that there is nothing and nobody at all, but some ability to exist, without experience feelings)
and evil mind/voice (not mine or anyone's in particular, just unpleasant negative impulses that accompany me in my daily life)

I feel much more stable now, I have more experience and can afford to do whatever I want. I have and have had other interests since then, but I've never been as successful at them as I was at painting (mostly because I had to work, deal with relationship issues, etc.), but I feel scared and stressed by it now. The problem is also that now I'm afraid to do things similar things, though I like the idea of them. I wanted to make tattoos or design, but it feels like I'm ashamed and paralysed. For some reason I can't make the effort, I get my arms twisted. Does that mean I'll never be able to do it like I used to? Have you been able to go back to past favorite activities or are they already bad for you after a while? I love art and still plan to do art in my life, but this situation makes me uncomfortable. It's like some kind of block or ban on self-expression in general. How have you struggled with this, if you've faced it? Or have I just lost my talent and need to move on?

Share similar experiences, please. Does your work match your interests?

I'm sorry to hear of your experience; it sounds saddening. You weren't treated fairly. I'm glad though that you're in a better place now.


My parents were very supportive of my older sibling and myself in terms of our creative endeavors (they are a visual artist, and myself a musician). However we were endlessly pressured to do well in school, as 'grades equal money'. As far as praise...well, it's almost as if my parents cared about the fact that I'm a musician but not caring what I actually do? They only cared that I got my degree but didn't really spare much conversation for what I do. Then again, I've moved out and essentially removed them from my life due to my dysfunctional childhood (emotional/physical abuse).

I do hope to reach a state where I'm supported by my craft, but it's been a long, difficult road. I'm still working on it. I just feel so confused about my parents because I can't tell if they were truly supportive or helicopter parents or semi-ultra-controlling. *shrugs confusedly*

 

[Metalhead]

My mother demanded that I stop writing death metal lyrics when I was in third grade. I think it was the song about how I did not like walking the dog, so I cooked the dog and served her to the family for dinner that night.

 

[Rodafina]

My mother demanded that I stop writing death metal lyrics when I was in third grade. I think it was the song about how I did not like walking the dog, so I cooked the dog and served her to the family for dinner that night.

Art can definitely be a dramatic outlet for very strong feelings. Especially for children.

 

[ilovebeingtheworst★]

Thanks for sharing your story here. It sounds like you have such a deep understanding of the tumultuous childhood you had and the suffering that you had to endure because of your parents.

My first thoughts are that you are an artist at heart. You discovered this when you were young and it was like a survival tool for you. I don’t think that goes away, even though it can get buried and damaged through the trials of life.

I can only imagine that this is still very much a part of you and so, no, your talent is not lost and gone forever. Your passion could possibly be yours again if you can continue to sift through the feelings that you are having as repercussions of your difficult childhood.

My story is much different than yours, but I have had experiences of feeling mad at art because of some kind of self hatred. Art is a deep part of me and how I experienced the world, and when I cannot turn my own art into what I want it to be or I don’t have the creative energy to make it, I can get mad at art and that myself, even though it doesn’t make sense.

Perhaps you can fall in love with art again. Perhaps you can free yourself from this notion that it is no longer a powerful, useful, and critical tool for you to survive in the world.

Perhaps some kind of new art could revive the channels and get your creative mind Attached to making things again. Like messy collages, huge abstract paintings, sculpture, Crafting or building things. Perhaps creating some art for others could make it feel more useful at first and then you will remember her why it is so important to you.

I think you can repair your relationship with art even though some of the relationships in your life have been difficult.

Thank you very much for sharing your opinion.

I appreciate your idea that art was a method of survival for me. It occurred to me that I might feel a fear of creativity because of the suggestion that I could not survive relying on it. It's a negative compulsion that my family taught me, especially when they took it of me. I don’t really blame them for it, because I believe I could have stood up to them and chosen not to quit. I always wonder why I didn't have the strength to do it and mostly blame myself.

I guess if I'm still afraid to do that or am I just a fool who is trying to win a fight that's already over and to prove something by wasting his time?
It was nice to hear, that you think it’s not over for me.

Perhaps since I no longer need to survive for food and safety it’s getting worse. I had to find other ways to survive that didn't involve making art and concentrate on trying to fit into society as a normal person. In my early 20s I stopped living with my parents and my life became dependent on relationships with other people and suitability for regular work, which I also failed at, but was able to establish at an acceptable level. I didn't risk taking a different, more protesting path.

It was important for me to hear if it worth it, trying to became an artist again. I will try to fight evil thoughts and make something creative until I like it at least a bit.

Thank you

 

[Rodafina]

I don’t really blame them for it, because I believe I could have stood up to them and chosen not to quit. I always wonder why I didn't have the strength to do it and mostly blame myself.

Keep in mind, that you were a child when it was taken from you. There was no reason for you to have the strength to stand up to the world back then. Perhaps now is the time to find the strength.

 

[Lysholm]

My mother demanded that I stop writing death metal lyrics when I was in third grade. I think it was the song about how I did not like walking the dog, so I cooked the dog and served her to the family for dinner that night.

First off, this is so metal it's beyond metal or something.

Secondly, I will never understand why people can't see expressions such as this as coming from something deeper, and then look for those things. I don't mean just parents (who are arguably in the best position to mentor their kids), but also professional. I have a buddy that is in school to become a psychologist, and his kid will not take off this dog costume. I said something about the behavior predicting the kid's future personality and catering a learning environment toward that end, and my friend's mind was blown. SMH.

 

[Lysholm]

Keep in mind, that you were a child when it was taken from you. There was no reason for you to have the strength to stand up to the world back then.

This is a crucial concept to understand when healing. So often trauma happens when we are weak and have no agency that we carry that helpless self-perception throughout life. In reality, kids are easy targets for bullying by pretty much everyone. Anger should not be directed inward, but toward those opportunists who took the easy way out by abusing the only people they saw as lower than themselves.

I find a good mental exercise is to put my adult self into the adult roles of my childhood traumas - every single time I've done this I (as the adult) immediately see how unfair and cruel these incidents are. They have almost nothing to do with the child, save the child was an easy and available whipping post.

 

[1ForAll]

Has anyone had the experience of being forbidden to do their special interest? How did that make you feel? Did you continue to do it? How do you feel about it now?

My story is that I spent most of my life drawing/painting, starting when I was about 3 until I was 16 (as a teenager I spent about 8-9 hours a day doing it, often skipping school just to draw; one piece of art took me about 2 days). My parents were ok with it at first, but when I told them I was going to be an artist they told me not to do it. At that point I was already depressed, my mother was an alcoholic with more than 10 years of experience, and my father hated "useless" people and didn't live with us. I am not from America, so parents in my country allowed to be much more cruel and brutal without consequences in society, every day I was abused. In general, I was very scared of them (most of my father) and I did not have the strength to stand up for myself. At 16 I already was forced to have a job for my family, but I also had no clue what people should do in life and why. I just didn't think about future, but I knew I was good at arts. I didn’t planed any escape.
At that moment, I took all my anger out on painting, accusing it of having no sense, since art is so easy to destroy (you can burn it, rip it up, and so on). It was a very simple and primitive idea, devoid of any logic. I think it was a projection of my own feelings (my art was a part of me, and that situation destroyed me so easy). When I was 16 I had no image of myself in my head. I also suffered from depersonalization and derealization, due to which I still have different states of consciousness, between which I can switch by willpower or from stress, such as:
my personality
an imaginary world with no real people (including me) or object,
void or lack of ego (if you imagine that there is nothing and nobody at all, but some ability to exist, without experience feelings)
and evil mind/voice (not mine or anyone's in particular, just unpleasant negative impulses that accompany me in my daily life)

I feel much more stable now, I have more experience and can afford to do whatever I want. I have and have had other interests since then, but I've never been as successful at them as I was at painting (mostly because I had to work, deal with relationship issues, etc.), but I feel scared and stressed by it now. The problem is also that now I'm afraid to do things similar things, though I like the idea of them. I wanted to make tattoos or design, but it feels like I'm ashamed and paralysed. For some reason I can't make the effort, I get my arms twisted. Does that mean I'll never be able to do it like I used to? Have you been able to go back to past favorite activities or are they already bad for you after a while? I love art and still plan to do art in my life, but this situation makes me uncomfortable. It's like some kind of block or ban on self-expression in general. How have you struggled with this, if you've faced it? Or have I just lost my talent and need to move on?

Share similar experiences, please. Does your work match your interests?

I relate and have a at least somewhat similar story.

As a child I always loved to create things with my hands using a variety of materials like wood, metal, plastic, paper, cardboard, wires, batteries, styrofoam, clay, and so forth. Sometimes the item to be made was a replica of an existing small object, fully or partially functional, but sometimes it was an item that I felt was never thought of before, that I felt could be seen as cool or desired by others, if it was seen or mass produced.

And so when I felt I had no chance to work after high school because of my severe shyness and anxiety issues and inability to concentrate around persons, I felt forced to go to a local community college, as my parents said if I did not do one of the two I'd be on the streets. My father was an alcoholic, neglectful, physically abusive and set those rules, but my enabling mother had a domineering and controlling side--and don't make your dad upset side--so they were in agreement.

So, I looked into the programs offered in a local community college. By rare chance, they had a Modelmaking major offered there, where we could use various materials like mentioned to create replica models, full size or reduced. My first project for that first Modelmaking 1 course I created a full size fan made of various allowed materials, with at least one functional part. I was proud of how it looked so real. After my negative mother saw it she said sarcastically, "What type of job are you going to get with that. Cannot you do something else?" I then became deflated.

So, I showed up on the day I was to orally present that item I made to the class feeling like a failure, not only because I knew I was a social outcast and would again waiver my speech, have red face, look down, and say at most a word or two because of extreme fear in all social attempts, but because I knew I could never work based on my interests there as we were brought up that mother was never wrong and to not dishonor her. After a dozen or more snide comments from her the next few months, relating to that field of study, I quit that major and blamed her through outburst.

Her reply was, 'You loser. I knew you would never amount to anything,' even after I told her that I'd temporarily major in something else instead. From that day forward my focus was on getting good grades and just any other degree there and transferring to a university then to major in Math. 'At least I won't have to talk much in such required classes there, and maybe my parents will lay off for a few more years,' I thought. But, I hated Math. I was good at it but hated it, but it helped me solve complex problems out, I reasoned.. I just knew I had a creative side, and would be bored doing some repetitive tasks Math job, but I knew I would finish getting that degree if I majored in that.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I graduated, still could not work long term because of my conditions, refused to create 3-D models and items again with my hands after the traumas experienced from my mom there and the class presentation severe embarrassment and failures, but attempted then some self-employment through selling reproductions of my landscapes and seascapes I painted after learning to do that after being inspired by an artist on PBS I watched weekly. This came easy to me too, but again, my mother blasted me for that after seeing my works and my intents, telling me, "That's sissy stuff. Cannot you work at a stable factory job or something?" despite my degree.

I am not sure how I felt then, as we were told all our years how to think and feel, and we had to mostly feel numb to things then, but I was trained to do as she said. So I tried factory job after factory job and quit them all in a few days because of feeling like my head was going to explode there from the stress, as I stood out like a sore thumb there, from avoiding all others, mistaking after mistake from persons watching, and from processing things there in those environments too slow. Had I majored in Modelmaking, as it was my strongest interest then, I later learned with that just 2-year A.S degree I could have been employed by now, as the major was rare and jobs high in demand then.

It's OK though. I never look back, but forward. I don't regret things, as I never know how things would have turned out, for better or worse. I had no choice but to get disability benefits, which upset my parents greatly, but at least I did not care as I wasn't going to die over them. I focused then just on writing and assisting others and improving myself some in terms of more positive thinking, worrying less and having more self esteem. This helped me date, and to get married, and to have children, helping them with their education and our oldest son's musical talent, and to see many positives there, but to deal with any stress and responsibilities there too from choosing that path.

So, yeah, I went through that too where I stopped some things I loved doing. I feel for you there and hope you can find peace with that, if not return later to find some joy with that..

 

[ilovebeingtheworst★]

I'm sorry to hear of your experience; it sounds saddening. You weren't treated fairly. I'm glad though that you're in a better place now.


My parents were very supportive of my older sibling and myself in terms of our creative endeavors (they are a visual artist, and myself a musician). However we were endlessly pressured to do well in school, as 'grades equal money'. As far as praise...well, it's almost as if my parents cared about the fact that I'm a musician but not caring what I actually do? They only cared that I got my degree but didn't really spare much conversation for what I do. Then again, I've moved out and essentially removed them from my life due to my dysfunctional childhood (emotional/physical abuse).

I do hope to reach a state where I'm supported by my craft, but it's been a long, difficult road. I'm still working on it. I just feel so confused about my parents because I can't tell if they were truly supportive or helicopter parents or semi-ultra-controlling. *shrugs confusedly*

Thank you, I’m alright as much as possible now.

I understand how it feels. My father also is very controlling person and also obsessed with money and success. He was always checking to see if I was trying hard enough to get good grades and trying to get me to do "useful" things with threats and intimidation. He treated me like a robot and always told me that I wasn't good enough at everything, even if my results were excellent. He wanted me to get an economics degree, but I dropped out of economics school and he got mad at me for years. He also always compared me to other people who made more money or had more prestigious jobs. I felt like he only needed me so he could tell his friends that I had accomplished something. At the same time, any demands I made and any successes I had, he rated very low and said it wasn't bad to begin with. He hates me for turning down many opportunities that other people would like and for not using my good intellect to make as much money as possible. He doesn't know anything about me as a person, I'm just part of his image to him. But it's not just him, my whole family acts like that. It's like they over exaggerate your capabilities, get too excited when you do the right thing and it may seem supportive, but at the same time they don't care how it affects your soul.

I get a similar feeling when people say for example "why did you quit, you'll lose so many years" as if those years of life are only important because you worked at some “good” place or went to some “good” university, but you also just lived, thought, grew up, had feelings and stuff like that....

I think you have a right not to feel emotionally connected to your parents if they have always avoided interaction with your "real" part. In fact, how can you be attached to them if you've never been yourself around them? Maybe this successful picture is not how you really feel about yourself, and the other part of you they don't want to know about…

I'm glad you're doing what you love. What is your musical instrument? I recently bought a guitar, but I haven't learned to play it yet. I don't have a musical background and didn't as a kid, but I admire people who do. How long have you been doing this?
I like the Two Set Violin YouTube channel, even though I can't play the violin.
I wish you good luck

 

[ilovebeingtheworst★]

I relate and have a at least somewhat similar story.

As a child I always loved to create things with my hands using a variety of materials like wood, metal, plastic, paper, cardboard, wires, batteries, styrofoam, clay, and so forth. Sometimes the item to be made was a replica of an existing small object, fully or partially functional, but sometimes it was an item that I felt was never thought of before, that I felt could be seen as cool or desired by others, if it was seen or mass produced.

And so when I felt I had no chance to work after high school because of my severe shyness and anxiety issues and inability to concentrate around persons, I felt forced to go to a local community college, as my parents said if I did not do one of the two I'd be on the streets. My father was an alcoholic, neglectful, physically abusive and set those rules, but my enabling mother had a domineering and controlling side--and don't make your dad upset side, so they were in agreement.

So, I looked into the programs offered in a local community college. By rare chance, they had a Modelmaking major offered there, where we could use various materials like mentioned to create replica models, full size or reduced. My first project for that first Modelmaking 1 course I created a full size fan made of various allowed materials, with at least one functional part. I was proud of how it looked so real. After my negative mother saw it she said sarcastically, "What type of job are you going to get with that. Cannot you do something else?" I then became deflated.

So, I showed up on the day I was to orally present that item I made to the class feeling like a failure, not only because I knew I was a social outcast and would again waiver my speech, have red face, look down, and say at most a word or two because of extreme fear in all social attempts, but because I knew I could never work based on my interests there as we were brought up that mother was never wrong and to not dishonor her. After a dozen or more snide comments from her the next few months, relating to that field of study, I quit that major and blamed her through outburst.

Her reply was, 'You loser. I knew you would never amount to anything,' even after I told her that I'd temporarily major in something else instead. From that day forward my focus was on getting good grades and just any other degree there and transferring to a university then to major in Math. 'At least I won't have to talk much in such required classes there, and maybe my parents will lay off for a few more years,' I thought. But, I hated Math. I was good at it but hated it, but it helped me solve complex problems out, I reasoned.. I just knew I had a creative side, and would be bored doing some repetitive tasks Math job, but I knew I would finish getting that degree if I majored in that.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I graduated, still could not work long term because of my conditions, refused to create 3-D models and items again with my hands after the traumas experienced from my mom there and the class presentation severe embarrassment and failures, but attempted then some self-employment through selling reproductions of my landscapes and seascapes I painted after learning to do that after being inspired by an artist on PBS I watched weekly. This came easy to me too, but again, my mother blasted me for that after seeing my works and my intents, telling me, "That's sissy stuff. Cannot you work at a stable factory job or something?" despite my degree.

I am not sure how I felt then, as we were told all our years how to think and feel, and we had to mostly feel numb to things then, but I was trained to do as she said. So I tried factory job after factory job and quit them all in a few days because of feeling like my head was going to explode there from the stress, as I stood out like a sore thumb there, from avoiding all others, mistaking after mistake from persons watching, and from processing things there in those environments too slow. Had I majored in Modelmaking, as it was my strongest interest then, I later learned with that just 2-year A.S degree I could have been employed by now, as the major was rare and jobs high in demand then.

It's OK though. I never look back, but forward. I don't regret things, as I never know how things would have turned out, for better or worse. I had no choice but to get disability benefits, which upset my parents greatly, but at least I did not care as I wasn't going to die over them. I focused then just on writing and assisting others, helping our oldest with his musical talent, and improving myself some in terms of more positive thinking, worrying less and having more self esteem. This helped me date, and to get married, and to have children, and to see many positives there, but to deal with any stress and responsibilities there from choosing that path. that.

So, yeah, I went through that too where I stopped some things I loved doing. I feel for you there and hope you can find peace with that, if not return later to find some joy with that..

Thank you for sharing your story and I’m really sorry for what your mother told to you.. you are great and strong person ‍ I'm glad things have worked out well for you and that you are living life to the fullest. I too have been exploring positive thinking lately.

 

[ilovebeingtheworst★]

My mother demanded that I stop writing death metal lyrics when I was in third grade. I think it was the song about how I did not like walking the dog, so I cooked the dog and served her to the family for dinner that night.

As I grew up, I started to think about what I might have done in the past. For example, I could spray-paint on my father's car "art is not easy to destroy" so he couldn't erase it and would have to pay to have the car washed. Lol

 

[kityoume]

Thank you very much for sharing your opinion.

I appreciate your idea that art was a method of survival for me. It occurred to me that I might feel a fear of creativity because of the suggestion that I could not survive relying on it. It's a negative compulsion that my family taught me, especially when they took it of me. I don’t really blame them for it, because I believe I could have stood up to them and chosen not to quit. I always wonder why I didn't have the strength to do it and mostly blame myself.

I guess if I'm still afraid to do that or am I just a fool who is trying to win a fight that's already over and to prove something by wasting his time?
It was nice to hear, that you think it’s not over for me.

Perhaps since I no longer need to survive for food and safety it’s getting worse. I had to find other ways to survive that didn't involve making art and concentrate on trying to fit into society as a normal person. In my early 20s I stopped living with my parents and my life became dependent on relationships with other people and suitability for regular work, which I also failed at, but was able to establish at an acceptable level. I didn't risk taking a different, more protesting path.

It was important for me to hear if it worth it, trying to became an artist again. I will try to fight evil thoughts and make something creative until I like it at least a bit.

Thank you

you can be an artist again because you never stopped being one. This is not a losing battle because this is not a battle at all and not a competition, this is not a way to prove anything to anyone
it's just something you love

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Thank you, I’m alright as much as possible now.

I understand how it feels. My father also is very controlling person and also obsessed with money and success. He was always checking to see if I was trying hard enough to get good grades and trying to get me to do "useful" things with threats and intimidation. He treated me like a robot and always told me that I wasn't good enough at everything, even if my results were excellent. He wanted me to get an economics degree, but I dropped out of economics school and he got mad at me for years. He also always compared me to other people who made more money or had more prestigious jobs. I felt like he only needed me so he could tell his friends that I had accomplished something. At the same time, any demands I made and any successes I had, he rated very low and said it wasn't bad to begin with. He hates me for turning down many opportunities that other people would like and for not using my good intellect to make as much money as possible. He doesn't know anything about me as a person, I'm just part of his image to him. But it's not just him, my whole family acts like that. It's like they over exaggerate your capabilities, get too excited when you do the right thing and it may seem supportive, but at the same time they don't care how it affects your soul.

I get a similar feeling when people say for example "why did you quit, you'll lose so many years" as if those years of life are only important because you worked at some “good” place or went to some “good” university, but you also just lived, thought, grew up, had feelings and stuff like that....

I think you have a right not to feel emotionally connected to your parents if they have always avoided interaction with your "real" part. In fact, how can you be attached to them if you've never been yourself around them? Maybe this successful picture is not how you really feel about yourself, and the other part of you they don't want to know about…

I'm glad you're doing what you love. What is your musical instrument? I recently bought a guitar, but I haven't learned to play it yet. I don't have a musical background and didn't as a kid, but I admire people who do. How long have you been doing this?
I like the Two Set Violin YouTube channel, even though I can't play the violin.
I wish you good luck

I'm glad you're doing much better!

That's awful to read. I...I can see myself in some of your anecdote about parents seeing their children as extensions of themselves. I feel if I admitted to them of my autism, they'd be in absolute denial. I wish that your parents had been more understanding of you.

It's weird because even now...I don't know what my real self is sometimes. Is that a 'me' thing, or a general autistic thing?

Oh, I play keyboard (harpsichord, pipe organ) but I love the sound of the guitar! And violin. And strings, really, but I never had the opportunity to learn them. I've been involved in music for about half my lifetime--since my teens.

I like TwoSet too!

Best of luck to you too

 

[ilovebeingtheworst★]

I'm glad you're doing much better!

That's awful to read. I...I can see myself in some of your anecdote about parents seeing their children as extensions of themselves. I feel if I admitted to them of my autism, they'd be in absolute denial. I wish that your parents had been more understanding of you.

It's weird because even now...I don't know what my real self is sometimes. Is that a 'me' thing, or a general autistic thing?

Oh, I play keyboard (harpsichord, pipe organ) but I love the sound of the guitar! And violin. And strings, really, but I never had the opportunity to learn them. I've been involved in music for about half my lifetime--since my teens.

I like TwoSet too!

Best of luck to you too

I also didn’t tell it to my family. I’m not diagnosed, because in my county autism and adhd aren’t disease, maybe just kids “temporary” issues lol. Only kids can be diagnosed. My little brother, a son of my father, was diagnosed with autism at maybe 4 years old. They were absolutely terrified by that and now they deny that he is autistic, they believe they cured him of it with homeopathy and just think he has a bad temper. They really blaming USA that their vaccines made their son "defective", that’s ridiculous. They also deny that I ever have struggled from abuse or I may be not normal.

I understand you, I also don’t really feel connection to my ego sometimes.

Because of my derealization and depersonalization I sometimes reached really strange states. I was also into absurdism when I was a teenager, and I loved the ideas described in "La Société du spectacle" and "Simulacres et Simulation». The most impressive book for me was the work of unknown author Jed McKenna, "Spiritual Enlightenment: The Despicable Thing" which I found by chance while trying to figure out what I was. It is the best description of how I really feel about myself. Perhaps these books will help you feel more comfortable about this question.

My previous response to your situation was not really about that, because it’s already too much complicated. I meant that when you see your parents ignoring things about your feelings or motives, it feels like you're forced to communicate with them as an actor. I do that too. I play the role of myself to them, the way they want to know me. It will be confusing for them to know the true motives behind my actions and they will try to make me good again as quickly as possible. They will talk some nonsense until I just give up and keep pretending that I'm the best version of myself they've made up. Sometimes it gets really ridiculous. I just let them think of me the way they want so they don't bother me a lot. I also mask my autistic behavior in the same way.

And from that perspective, it can be really hard to establish attachment with them, because I am not that clear, adequate, simplified version of myself when I don't need to communicate with them and constantly acting like that. It all comes from their denial…

 

[ilovebeingtheworst★]

you can be an artist again because you never stopped being one. This is not a losing battle because this is not a battle at all and not a competition, this is not a way to prove anything to anyone
it's just something you love

Thank you a beautiful soul

 

[Sherlock77]

I don't recall showing much artistic interest as a child, but when I was in my late 20's (about 2004) I remember a conversation with my dad in the hospital, it was just the two of us...

I was just getting into photography at the time... I still remember my dad being quite negative about it, almost suggesting it was worthless... Within a couple years he passed away, I still kept doing photography (and still do it), but sometimes I think back on that conversation, and for a long time that one conversation did have an impact on me, in terms of my self esteem around my photography... I'm pretty much over this now though

 

[Sherlock77]

@ilovebeingtheworst★

One more story to encourage you as relayed to me from a friend, he is NT friend but this applies

He is from a family of creative people, but at some point in his teens he had a teacher at school tell him that his art was terrible... For many years into his 40's he took that to heart and didn't do any art at all because of an association with that teacher

During Covid he just simply starting doing sketches, felt the inspiration really out of nowhere, has told me that the sketching was part of his journey through that time of his life... Now that we are more back to normal, he basically stopped sketching, but at least he got the inspiration... Lately he's pursuing a doctorate in history, that's his new adventure...